JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[fraankhardy]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

 

[fraankhardy]

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"

The guy replied, "It is 7 pounds and 13 inches!"

 

[fraankhardy]

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin. He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "Doggie Style" on their wedding night.

She didn't know what he was talking about and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the 'Normal' position or not at all.

However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small. They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help.

After hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you too we could have walked to the emergency room."

 

[fraankhardy]

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong - I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By - A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging - On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."

VIDEO SCAM - Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes"
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute - Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
"Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

 

[fraankhardy]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

 

[fraankhardy]

Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it," asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them," says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy, "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw."

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off."

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends` penises," says the devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."

 

[fraankhardy]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up, "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham," he said.

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley'.

"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London..."

'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set About living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s ex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

 

[fraankhardy]

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

 

[fraankhardy]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[fraankhardy]

A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up.

The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"

"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station."

The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride."

She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."

So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder.

The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!"

About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!"

So the driver slammed on the brakes and threw him in back with the chickens! About two more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over.

He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?"

The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, 'No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!'"

 

[fraankhardy]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"

 

[fraankhardy]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet!"

 

[fraankhardy]

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new city outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."

Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"

"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Size 53... tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes."

"What size?"

"Size 15... double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir, what size?"v "Nineteen and a half... 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew... is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money.

She asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."

She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

 

[jacktar48]

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/6/h/F/6/palin-high-school-diploma.jpg

 

[jacktar48]

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/5/d/9/6/cruz-palin-2016.jpg

 

[Mrtenant]

I was almost in a threesome last night! Only needed two more people.

 

[jacktar48]

I was almost in a threesome last night! Only needed two more people.

Keep trying; you're getting really close.

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/v/R/4/government-in-my-womb.jpg

 

[Mrtenant]

Keep trying; you're getting really close.

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/v/R/4/government-in-my-womb.jpg

got a phone number for them? they look prime

 

[jacktar48]

got a phone number for them? they look prime

If I did I'd keep it for myself.

 

[Mrtenant]

Did you know? You are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?

I didn't.....

I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw!

 

[jacktar48]

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/R/9/3/img5.jpg

Governor Bush's response when asked his IQ.

 

[jacktar48]

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/W/w/4/christina-aguilera-hilary-clinton.jpg

Hilary: "Nice rack!"

Christina: "That's exactly what Bill said."

 

[Dream59]

Thanks again everyone. These are great.

 

[jacktar48]

Did you know? You are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?

I didn't.....

I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw!

The noise must have been startling, to say the least. I hope she didn't chew through the mattress.