"Issues" We all have issues.

[MissTaken]

When does having "issues" or facing life's challenges become an excuse for bad behavior on line or real time?

Do you forgive a co worker for raising your ire if you know they are going through a divorce etc?

Do you forgive a poster for being insensitive, aggressive and hostile if you know they are having a hard time or have had a hard time?

Is having "issues" and excuse, or possibly an explanation?

Do you tend to ignore or minimize otherwise unacceptable behavior for those who are struggling?

To begin, I do think my approach to this is a bit different on line as opposed to real life.

 

[LadyG]

I think having "issues" may be an explanation, but not an excuse.

There is no excuse for being rude or nasty to someone, without a good reason.

If I know of the problem, I'm less likely to take offense and will let it slide for a bit, but if it becomes habitual, I'd have to pull them to the side or in a PM and say "WTF????"

Having said that, I shall pound my chest and scream "PMS PMS" if I do that

 

[Lost Cause]

I understand "Issues"...

They used to be called, "Baggage" "Beefs" and "Skeletons."

If someone is displaying a tantrum, I let it shine, if it's cruel or violent, I'll issue an "attitude check" on or off the Lit.

 

[MissTaken]

Here, I am less tolerant of this sort of behavior, regardless of what the excuse is.

There is a delete button and an edit button. Having been guilty of snappy replies myself, a well placed apology or quick edit with hopes no one quoted me, seems to work.

In real life, I might be more inclined to let a few little things slide and then encourage whomever it is to check themselves or deal with whatever the "Beef" is.

 

[bluespoke]

Here, I am less tolerant of this sort of behavior, regardless of what the excuse is.

There is a delete button and an edit button. Having been guilty of snappy replies myself, a well placed apology or quick edit with hopes no one quoted me, seems to work.

In real life, I might be more inclined to let a few little things slide and then encourage whomever it is to check themselves or deal with whatever the "Beef" is.

Unless you actually know the poster concerned there is very ittle likliehood of your knowing whether the have issues.

In general I take posts at face value and react accordingly. If I already know the poster and know there is a problem, I'm likely to PM.

 

[Bluesboy2]

I have found everyone I know on this board has a story. Usually there is quite a bit of sadness in it. So I tend to give people the bennifit of the doubt. Everyone has bad days.
Those that are hear solely to be an asshole are VERY quickly put on my ignore list. I have no use for bullshit and drama. I come here to get away from that.


Damn Bluespoke, I'm a Texan not a punching bag!

 

[LukkyKnight]

When does having "issues" or facing life's challenges become an excuse for bad behavior on line or real time?

You said it already: it's never an excuse, though an issue (or several) can serve as an explanation.

 

[ozraven]

typically on here you are not going to know about the issues, and would react as if they weren't there.....I do.

In r/l, if I know about it and think its reasonable, yes I will take it into account, how much rope they get depends on both the issue and their behavior........

 

[Cheyenne]

typically on here you are not going to know about the issues, and would react as if they weren't there.....I do.

In r/l, if I know about it and think its reasonable, yes I will take it into account, how much rope they get depends on both the issue and their behavior........

Ditto.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Issues. Now there's a "issue." I was thinking about this very thing last night as was reading my favorite board. When and where do you draw the line?

I consider myself a very understanding and empathetic person. I am an RN, and my whole career is built on helping people in need. Hell, my whole life has been spent trying to fix this and that, mostly to my detriment, I believe. It took a long time for me to learn to stop trying to fix people who couldn't be fixed, or more importantly who really didn't want to be fixed.

Let me say that again, just so I can get it clearly entrenched in my head. Some people can't be fixed, even by a miracle; and some people don't want to be fixed.

Of course, I'm not perfect, so I ocassionally stick my nose in where it's not wanted, and sometimes it gets snapped at, or bitten.

Sometimes the person is someone that I can't stand to watch go down in flames, so I speak out...and they listen, and are open and willing to hear what I have to say.

Most of the time I just say nothing at all, and watch. That's the hardest thing of all. It goes against every fiber of my being. But it keeps me sane.

~Anelize

 

[Calamity Jane]

It took a long time for me to learn to stop trying to fix people who couldn't be fixed, or more importantly who really didn't want to be fixed.

Let me say that again, just so I can get it clearly entrenched in my head. Some people can't be fixed, even by a miracle; and some people don't want to be fixed.

Most of the time I just say nothing at all, and watch. That's the hardest thing of all. It goes against every fiber of my being. But it keeps me sane.

~Anelize

A heartfelt ditto.

Yes, having 'issues' can be an explanation for the occasional bout of poor judgement or behavior.

Eventually though, I start wanting to scream at the people to get over their shit already. It's only an issue as long as you let it be one.

 

[J.B.]

You know, I’ve never really thought about it. It might be that if I know they’re having some REAL problems, not I lost my favorite pair of shoes and I was late, it’ll take me longer to become angry with someone. I’m not sure. I’ve never stopped to think about it. One thing I do know though; You piss me off I’m kickin’ your ass issues or no.

 

[april-wine]

Life can be a bitch, so can I....But life's struggles doesn't give me an excuse.....

 

[naudiz]

Everyone has issues. Some of us have the entire subscription with the commemorative boxed collector's set and free travel mug.

I'm pretty much willing to cut people slack for any reason up to the point where they're stepping on my toes. Then it's time to for them to back off, and I don't care if a meteorite just hit your house -- don't make your problem my problem.

The thing with an online community is that coming here is strictly voluntary. If you're having a bad day and feel like being nasty at everyone, why come here to do it? Log off, take a walk, buy yourself a hot fudge sundae and relax a little. In case it isn't obvious, let me clear something up for you: most people doing enjoy being a punching bag, and your bad day isn't a ticket to abuse and vent on some innocent bystander.

I can understand being in a RL situation you can't get out of (i.e. being at work) and having to muddle through as best you can, and nerves wear thin after awhile. Things might get said, etc. In an online chat, or a board like this, there's no excuse.

 

[Vulnavia]

"Let me say that again, just so I can get it clearly entrenched in my head. Some people can't be fixed, even by a miracle; and some people don't want to be fixed"

I wish someone else I know would read this thread. You have to want it, and you have to not be afraid of it. Issues tend to be magnified on the net like this because everything is compacted together. Lifetimes of experiences are compressed into bulletpoints and not every one responds in the same way. However, just because you had this bad thing happen to you, you should not let it rule you. Especially here where everything is magnified. When it comes right down to it, many of the women, and a few men on this board can say they were raped. How they handle it, and continue to handle it, is part of their growth (and therapy) process. This is not an excuse for being a shit however. This does not give you carte blanche to take your rage, grief, selfishness,and plain old abuse out on someone else. There are many compassionate people in the world, some who have dealt first hand with the aftermath of such horrors. They should not be abused for their compassionate natures. I don't post here much anymore because I see a lot of whining going on. "Oh poor pitiful me! I have had such a wretched life! I'm so abused! "
Well, so has everyone else. What are you gonna do about it?

Here's a hint: Don't take it out on those around you. Don't let the anger rule you. Get real help if you need it. Don't use it as your excuse and your justification. Grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your actions. I survived. I am not the greatest showcase of it, because I too have my weak moments. I survived. You can too.

 

[mbb308]

All of us seem to have issues at one point in our lives. It seems to be what we do with them that separates the adults from the children.

My building-mate just moved out yesterday. He has been depressed since last fall. We discussed it. I explained to him my theory of continuing to put one foot in front of the other, no matter how little fun it may be, or what a waste of time it might feel like.

We have no leases here - it's all done on a handshake. My landlord found out Friday that he won't be collecting any rent for that apartment in April. And I found out Sunday that I'm getting stuck for his share of the last utility bills. He used his last money to rent the truck to move home to Texas.

I have concluded that other people's issues are relative. If they act cranky, that's not about me. If it costs me money, that does affect me, and I don't like it.

In the end, this affects my quality of live. It doesn't have any bearing on whether I live or not.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

<snip>The thing with an online community is that coming here is strictly voluntary. If you're having a bad day and feel like being nasty at everyone, why come here to do it? Log off, take a walk, buy yourself a hot fudge sundae and relax a little. In case it isn't obvious, let me clear something up for you: most people doing enjoy being a punching bag, and your bad day isn't a ticket to abuse and vent on some innocent bystander.

I can understand being in a RL situation you can't get out of (i.e. being at work) and having to muddle through as best you can, and nerves wear thin after awhile. Things might get said, etc. In an online chat, or a board like this, there's no excuse.<snip>

Words of wisdom. Well said.

~Anelize

 

[Jimi]

I'll add my boring "Ditto"!

We all have "Issues" - how we handle them is where it's at, IMHO.

If I behave in a churlish manner - I expect my lit. friends to let me know that I have been rude to an "innocent".

Great thread, Sweetie!

No excuses.

 

[MissTaken]

I love threads like this, because after having spewed my POV and then letting the thread go, I returned to read responses. Uh huh. there is more to it than I originally placed with this issue! *pun intended*

My original point was that your having a bad day or a lousy life does not give you license to come here and beat the crap out of people who would otherwise befriend you, given a chance. I still go by that. I have typed really nasty posts and then deleted or edited as I realized it was my bad talking and the other poster didn't deserve my sharp tongue. And yes, there have been times where I haven't watched myself as well as I should. And worse yet, times when my words were taken as churlish when they weren't intended that way.

Okay...now if a poster is posting "out of character" I will pm them, if it seems fitting and tell them I noticed they seem to be having a tough time today. There is some tolerance for not editing and deleting, more than i originally posted.

Now, if someone is constantly churlish and then throws out a piece of news that suggests they have faced challenges in their life, my response is a cool, "so, the fuck what?" We all have had our challenges and the older we get, the more baggage we carry. How we deal with it is more important that that we had to deal with it. How we deal with it is what most impacts our future, our productivity and our life circumstances.

I don't agree that we dont' know who has baggage and who doesn't. By and large, if you read a poster over and again without ever pming them, you will get a sense for some of their life experiences, regardless of how open they are on the board. When you extend a hand to them, in friendship, you soon find out what their struggles have been as well as their triumphs.

That is part of community, no?

Now in real life, I will be more tolerant. I may give someone space to make their own mistakes or step in. It depends on the situation, safety and how much of myself is involved in the relationship. I do tend to be a caretaker by nature, but still expect an apology for a snide comment made in frustration.

I think this thread is more about taking responsibility for your life and your actions rather than another LitAnaylsis thread.

Thanks everyone for making the grey matter roll around and get some excercise.

 

[morninggirl5]

I'm at the point that i don't really care what your issues are. Having issues does not excuse bad behavior.


I'm even more disgusted with those people who will excuse bad behavior because of someone's issues. I'm all for helping someone through a bad time, but having a bad time doesn't give someone a blank check to be rude, disrespectful, and defiant.

 

[littlekateyes]

Everyone has bad days, and no it does not give anyone the excuse to be an “asshole”. Each person deals with life in a way they understand, and sometimes they feel better IMHO if they bring others down with them. Still having a bad day, or issues it is still not a reason to be an “asshole”.