Is the "spark" needed in a long-term relationship? Advice sought please.

[Limely]

Yes, this is a long post. You can scroll down to the red here below if you don't want to read everything.

Hi all! For the past 8 months, I've been dating a great woman. She's not what I had usually gone for looks wise in the past. I have a BIG thing for redheads with fair skin and lighter eyes. Or really any girl with fair skin and nice hair. She's Hispanic and has tanned skin, very tight curly hair, brown eyes, SUPER soft skin, and a hot body. It doesn't hurt that she's super kinky, too. We have a lot of similar interests, never run out of things to talk about, and have a ton of fun together (not just sexually).

It was complicated when we met. She was just starting to go through a separation. Due to that, we had a "casual" relationship at first. As we grew and developed feelings, we decided to date. About a month after that, all the stress of the separation caused her to have a bi-polar episode. Normally, she takes meds and is absolutely fine, but they didn't seem to work in this case. This was terrible! She was acting so out of sorts and kept saying extremely hurtful things. I wanted to take a step back to see how things would go. Since then, we've been dating without really defining the relationship. We were both free to go out with others if we so chose (although neither of us so chose).

While there are a lot of positives, there are also negatives. We tend to bicker a lot. We've had few BAD arguments. The worst was a few weeks ago during a trip in Florida. She's really bad about saving money as she likes to spend. I like having a "nest egg" for emergencies and saving for things I really want. She complains about people living with a set schedule, yet she lives by one herself due to (like most people) her job. She has a child with her ex whom she sees very often (I have NO problem with that and encourage it). However, she doesn't think her child should have a set bed time and allows the five year old to stay up until 11PM. He is starting kindergarten in the Fall. I think it would be good for him to get used to going to bed at a more reasonable time so he won't be zombified and cranky. I suppose that isn't any of my business, but I hate to see the kid have problems because of that. She also can be quite pessimistic, which I find annoying as I like to try to look on the bright side. She also has some social anxiety and will avoid doing things at convenient times if it means avoiding crowds. That one comes and goes, but when it comes, it's usually at a really annoying time, e.g. right before we walk into the movie theater to see something we both really want to see. And of course, I have plenty of flaws, too! My stubbornness is one of the worst. It makes me seem controlling.

Currently, she and I are deciding if we want to keep going or just be really good friends.

Here
Then there is the "spark." In the past, I've had dates with women where we end up kissing. Sometimes I would get the "sparks," fireworks, tingly sensation, take my breath away feelings. I don't know if it's just a chemical reaction, infatuation, or something more. I've never had that with the girl I've been dating. Yes, it feels really good and turns me on when we kiss/make out. I've asked many friends if they have that with their spouse/bf/gf. Every single person except one said that they have it. Some said it was there at first and now not as often, which seems typical (I had that in my last relationship).

Is it bad that the "spark" isn't there for me? What's your experience with it been like?

Here's an interesting post I found: http://www.aish.com/d/a/48905882.html The first question and answer apply. What do you think?

Currently, she and I are deciding if we want to keep going or just be really good friends.

Thank you for any advice or words of wisdom!

 

[ivantheterrible]

looks? eh, you never know what will spark your interest. i know a woman who has severe acne scars, and i think she is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. its what is inside that really gets your interest for some reason. or is it chemical?
the bi-polar thing. if you are able to deal with it, it isn't a problem.
the spark? for me, if there is no spark at first.i couldn't get interested in the person. but losing it later in a relationship is just natural. you just get comfortable and used to the person.
by what i read, you already have problems. but what is decided is if you can deal with it all.

 

[Bert Notorius]

run away while you still can.

 

[islandman]

Someone else click on the OP's link and report back.

Thanks.

 

[atmas]

Someone else click on the OP's link and report back.

Thanks.

Right, I'm with you.

I may have missed the details, but I did some research a few years ago in the midst of a relationship and it turns out that neurotransmitters change after about 18 months of a relationship, from orgasmically exciting to boringly stable.
I was utterly, completely in love but guess what? She may have been at one time, but she no longer was. This proved to me that the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. I'm still stupidly, ridiculously in love with someone who not only vastly abused me (vastly), but also conformed perfectly with that 18 month thing.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

Funny. You're on the fence with this woman about staying together or being "friends" over serious incompatibility ish and you're worried about sparks? If you can type all that guff out then you already know what's wrong!

If it ain't there no mo', baby, it ain't there. The end is already in sight, but if I wuz you, I'd try to get in as many selfish fuck sessions as possible before she closes up that well for good and you go back to famine after having an eight-month-long feast. Cuz you know y'all ain't gonna be "friends." The only man she's gonna let into her life that feels he can tell her what to do with her life will be the next daddy to her kid.

And I ain't clicking on that link, either!

 

[Limely]

I can see how a couple of you might post negative responses (big bag of salt needed for that). I neglected to post the positives about her. It's the usual stuff you hear: she's kind, generous, intelligent, has a great sense of humor, works hard, is parent friendly, has good taste, is incredible in bed, is really fun to be around, is great to talk with about anything, is open-minded, and simultaneously drives me crazy and makes me happy.

The link is to a dating advice column about the "spark" people feel and whether it even matters. If you're that worried, Google the URL and use AVG Safesearch and it'll show a giant green check mark next to the URL, indicating that no threats were detected (hover your mouse over the check to confirm). You can do all that without even going to the site. And FYI, it's not like I'm new here. I'm just looking for good, honest, reasonable advice. Thank you to those who gave it and those who are going to give it.

 

[BoobsNBrains]

If I don't feel "the spark" during the first real, passionate kiss, the relationship is not going any further. Period.

Don't settle. Find someone who gives you goosebumps and butterflies and hold on tight. Hope that she feels the same or there might be a restraining order in your future, depending on how tight your grip is.

 

[HB1965]

What most people don't understand is that when it comes to a long term relationships the attraction should, over time, start taking a back seat to the relationship itself. The general rule of thumb from what I can gather from most of the reading I've done (I'm a psychology student) is that the attraction provides the initial draw but after about 2 years the centerpiece of the situation is what does this relationship mean in my life? What do I get from this person that enriches or makes my life better. The attraction will always be there at some level but as long as the needs the relationship fulfills are being met becomes more to the point. This can differ for a lot of couples depending on where they are at in their lives but generally that is what the psychological world will tell you. I personally think that once the relationship establishes itself and is maintained in someway (whether it be by your own need to continue getting whatever the relationship offers or a mutual need) then the love can last for quite sometime. I also know from personal experience that you can remain in love with people that are no longer in your life and fall in love with someone else.

If after 8 months you are already questioning whether or not you want to be with someone (especially since you are doubting your attraction to her) then I think you already have your answer, as Zumi pointed out.

 

[Lizbot]

Did not plan on posting but I have to comment here. I definitely do not believe in the 'spark'. I think it's ridiculous and unrealistic to rely on one to maintain a relationship and you'd really be missing out if you dismissed one for that reason.

Edit: I agree with HB except for the doubts being your answer. I had doubts much earlier than that in my relationship. We have now been together 5 years and I grow more in love with him over time. I'm very grateful I stuck it through.

 

[CountCunninglvr]

Weigh things...

It appears to me that this woman's physical attractiveness is a primary reason for staying with her. There is clearly a lot of arguing and disagreement in this relationship, which is a definite negative aspect. You appear to be fed up with her bipolar and anxiety related issues. There are also many unanswered questions.

How compatible are your personalities?

Have you examined whether you have anything in common with this person on a mental or emotional level?

If there is anything you can think of, what do you find to be positve about her personality?

These are things you may want to come to a conclusion about before you end up coming to a decision. Those are my thoughts.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

If after 8 months you are already questioning whether or not you want to be with someone then I think you already have your answer, as Zumi pointed out.

8 months is a damn long time to start wondering where things are headed. After even three months of steady sex and socializing, the seams are showing and you should be able to see what the future would be like. Well, that's my time limit, anyhoo.

All I see going on here is that both parties know that the strictly boyfriend/girlfriend thing is approaching its twilight days and it's gonna have to evolve into some serious new potential husband/baby daddy realm in order to continue. If both can't move on to the next level and aren't satisfied with just keeping it on the simple, low-impact boyfriend/girlfriend thing, they knows what the answer is.

 

[HB1965]

8 months is a damn long time to start wondering where things are headed. After even three months of steady sex and socializing, the seams are showing and you should be able to see what the future would be like. Well, that's my time limit, anyhoo.

All I see going on here is that both parties know that the strictly boyfriend/girlfriend thing is approaching its twilight days and it's gonna have to evolve into some serious new potential husband/baby daddy realm in order to continue. If both can't move on to the next level and aren't satisfied with just keeping it on the simple, low-impact boyfriend/girlfriend thing, they knows what the answer is.

My experience based on what I've seen with myself and other people has been that 2-3 months is about the time that people say "Hey, I want to focus in on this one". Then you spend another 6 months to a year looking at the person and trying to figure them out. Depending on the couple that can be as long as two years or it can be as short as 6 months. The OP I think is past wondering where things are headed. I think he knows that it's to a long term relationship. I think the question he's asking at this point is can I be with this person. To me, if he's already asking that at 8 months, then there have been some pretty big things up front that have been a turn off and that things are doomed especially if he doesn't necessarily feel attracted to her (what I think the "spark" is). And let me say that to me there is "I just want to fuck this woman/man because he/she meets my general idea of hot" attracted and "I just want to fuck this man/woman because there is something about him/her" attracted. I feel that the OP's attracted is the later.

I think you make a point though about the speed at which couples reach this point.