Is it difficult to ask permission?

[Siren]

 

[SexyChele]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

All of the above?

Actually, that is more true than not with me. And it also depends on what it is that I must ask permission for. If it is for something I really want to do or buy or go, I can feel my stubborn streak begin to kick in. Sort of like, "Hey, I'm my own person, I can do or not do what I want." To which, a good Dom would say, "Yes, you can, but I won't be here."

So, in that respect there is a sense of excitement that might build. Pushing down the urge to disobey, to push his buttons or limits, but not wanting to find out just how far he would take it. Plus, there is the idea of being controlled - that is a huge factor for me. I know that sometimes, asking permission might entail humiliation, but I'm just not that into it unless it is for certain circumstances.

It definetely builds desire. Knowing that he can control anything he has a mind to, thus fulfilling my fantasy, is certainly going to rock my boat.

Willing would almost be a last thing for me. Knowing that I had accompished what I was supposed to do and pleased him. But then, it does depend on what it is that I would need to ask permission for. There might be some things that by asking his permission would make me feel more willing to bend to his will, and therefore be more submissive.

Hmmm...it's late and I'm wondering if any of this made any sense!

 

[A Desert Rose]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

I don't ask for permission, but I do ask for advice. This of course, relates to my daily relationship with a Dom.

During sexual play, I rely on Him and then it is exciting and desireable and does make me very, much more willing. Permission comes into the relationship at this point.

 

[Siren]

 

[artful]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

Only because my slave does not have my permission to post in the BDSM Forum, (as yet), I feel a need to express what I know is true for her, and attempt to partially explain her feelings.

There are many things where she feels insecure in our relationship. Mostly because she has suffered abuse, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), in her past relationships with men.

Her ALSO being new to, (SSC BDSM), and being in an LDR with me, causes her fears to work overtime. She is in *training*,...and often she doubts the validity of what she is told to do.

She questions a lot AND,...is stubborn to the Nth degree on occasion. Often, she resents remarks made by me, or takes things out of context, and explodes in a fury of unleashed emotions.

In real time,...she submits willingly. In real time,...she does become highly excited, and takes comfort in my Domination. In real time,...she becomes wet, by my only giving her a certain *LQQK*. In real time,...she is more than willing to do as I command.

 

[maddi]

Re: Is it difficult to ask for permission?

I always have a problem with that. Mainly because I know I can get away with being angry at even the suggestion that I need his permission and sometimes he will not follow through. I am very independant in the vanilla world - its a habit.

But when he is firm and on certian days I know not to cross him I ask permission for everything because otherwise it will end up hurting me.

I need to work on my submission just as my master/husband is working on his domination. I guess I am like a child and trying to test the limits. Once the follow through is greater I am sure that "Master, May I" will come swifter.

Maddi

 

[cellis]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

Like Chele I would have to answer all of the above.

For me it is part of the head space, that mental domination that I need and crave. Himself knows how difficult it is for me to ask for things so he makes me do it when He things it is necessary.

I am stubborn, I can balk with the best of them... but to ask permission for the little things... like going to the bathroom or to leave the room for something or to touch myself... all of that is a huge turn on.

 

[zipman]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

Great thread Siren. I think the all of the above answer is probably going to be the most common one from my experience.

However, that leads to the next question which is why is it all fo the above?

There are so many dynamics involved in a BDSM relationship that it is easy to have conflicting feelings and emotions about any act or command.

Consider all of the factors that can come into play when a sub gets a command. What kind of day is the sub having? How good is the sub's relationship with their Dom/me? Is the sub tired? Does the sub have other things on their mind at that moment? etc. etc. etc.

Relationships are complex, and BDSM relationships can challenge a submissive in many ways, especially with regard to the societal stigmas relating to submission. Often, even if a sub has a "perfect" relationship with their Dom/me, there still may be times when they struggle to submit.

Of course, if they are in the mood to submit, or in a good place mentally, the same command that they struggled with the day before can now make them excited beyond belief. Such is the nature of people, and that is why there are no simple answers to good questions.

 

[SexyChele]

Zipman,
I think there is another spin to it as well.

By asking permission to do something, if I've had a bad day or am tired or am not feeling particularly submissive, asking permission to do something is refocusing my attention back to the relationship. And isn't that where it needs to be?

Granted, I would expect my Dominant to ask how I feel, what kind of day I've had, etc. It's all a part of it. I don't think very many Dominants would be good at what they do if they expected their subs to "just start doing" without first knowing where their sub was at.

However, insisting on certain "ask permission for" situations, ones that are easy to remember and follow through on, might help a sub realize that his/her Dominant is the person they can escape to, talk to, and help minimize a less than terrific day.

 

[Ricckk]

Zipman,
I think there is another spin to it as well.

By asking permission to do something, if I've had a bad day or am tired or am not feeling particularly submissive, asking permission to do something is refocusing my attention back to the relationship. And isn't that where it needs to be?

Granted, I would expect my Dominant to ask how I feel, what kind of day I've had, etc. It's all a part of it. I don't think very many Dominants would be good at what they do if they expected their subs to "just start doing" without first knowing where their sub was at.

However, insisting on certain "ask permission for" situations, ones that are easy to remember and follow through on, might help a sub realize that his/her Dominant is the person they can escape to, talk to, and help minimize a less than terrific day.

Wow! That is very insightful. I couldn't agree more.

 

[Siren]

Re: Re: Is it difficult to ask permission?

 

[bunny bondage]

it does depend on the situation. if i'm asking permission to go to a club for the night (or something like that), then i think it's sweet and kind of cute that i have to ask Him. it gives me the sense that He is in every aspect of my life and always looking out for me. if it's something sexual, like i'm asking permission to suck His cock or something then yes, it turns me on GREATLY. i get wet at being so embarrased about it. He often makes me say things outloud that i want Him to do, and while i turn the most remarkable shade of red while doing it, i do it and love it.

 

[Cirrus]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

I consider having to ask permission a form of humiliation, something which is a limit for me, so I've never experienced this.

My ex did have one "exception" to that though...I had to ask permission to masturbate. I really didn't mind that, because it was a SENSUAL type of control, yes slightly humiliating, but if he said "no" I kind of actually reveled in the frustration.

 

[li'a-wahine]

When told you can or may do something, but you must ask permission first.........

does it make you stubborn.......

does it make you excited.........

does it make you desire.........

or

does it make you willing?

I would have to say it makes me humble. Depending on the thing I am asking for, I may feel excited, or desisire. mostly it is just a calming thing, and does help to keep me in my space.

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: Is it difficult to ask permission?

I consider having to ask permission a form of humiliation, something which is a limit for me, so I've never experienced this.

My ex did have one "exception" to that though...I had to ask permission to masturbate. I really didn't mind that, because it was a SENSUAL type of control, yes slightly humiliating, but if he said "no" I kind of actually reveled in the frustration.

I have to agree. I find it the same way, when the asking has to do with something outside of the bedroom,which is where my d/s relationship is.

Sometimes,he forgets,and wants to dictate to me,as a man is wont to do at times,and yes it makes me mad,and I can blow up. Especially when it comes to my kids.

But to give him credit,once he understands the why I am upset,(sheesh he loves to talk deeply), then everything is okay.

 

[Siren]

 

[artful]

Siren

When you have a relationship, particularly one involving BDSM, the delicate balance is so fragile.

For me,...in my relationship,...I don't see a delicate balance being fragile,...nor do I even see a need, for trying to balance the power.


If one has too much power over another, there is no balance........and the relationship will eventually disinegrate into a 24/7 scene.
And that is not healthy for anyone involved. [/QUOTE]

The power is balanced as the relationship is entered into, and continues throughout the relationship. *Control*,...now THAT is a different issue.

 

[serijules]

The humilation factor...........is that because in everyday activities you feel that it demeans you to ask permission to do things that any self assured and self confident person should be able to do without seeking permission?

Does it make you feel like you are weaker, or perceived weaker by being made to request or ask permission before acting?

In my very first BDSM 'relationship' (which was an online collar), my dom told me a few days after collaring me that I was to ask for permission any time I wanted to leave the chatroom or my desk to go to the bathroom, etc. I remember balking at that, thinking how utterly rediculous it was, and there was no way I was going to be able to follow through with that order. That was not a level of submission I was ready for at that time. I discussed it with him and he ended up retracting his order, but the memory of how I felt when he ordered that still makes me shudder.

It didn't make me feel weaker, but it did make me feel controlled...and not in a good way. I like being controlled, I get a thrill out of being controlled in certain ways (ex: sexually)...but not in a way that makes me feel as if I am not even capable or allowed to do the simplest of things without asking his permission on something non-sexual. To me, it implied that he didn't trust me, and needed to have such a tight hold on me to ensure that I always had it on my mind that I was under his control. It was, overall, a very negative feeling.

However, I have played with many dom/me's that have required me to ask permission to do various sexual things...permission to cum, permission to touch, permission to touch them...these things excite and thrill me a lot. Sometimes if it's something I really want but am denied, I can get very stubborn, but most of the time the frustration that comes with that stubborness is thrilling too, and I like struggling with that frustration and obeying despite my own desires.

I love giving up control of my sexuality to another. I do not like feeling like I have to give up my individuality to another.

And I'm not say that people that like that sort of control are not individuals. If I was in a long-term relationship with someone I truly did trust, I might very well feel very very different about it than I do now. In fact, I'm pretty sure I would feel much differently and actually enjoy the security of giving up control that much. (feeling that way if told to ask permission for simple things, would be a sign to me that I really DID trust him) So far, I've never been in that situation/relationship, so I speak of what I know. Being required to ask permission for something that is non-sexual makes me feel smothered.

The same said dom I mentioned above also required me to ask permission before playing with anyone else. We met in person for the first time at a party...and I completely understood his reasoning there. Asking permission to play with others wouldn't work for me at all in current relationships, but in a long-term/committed relationship, the security of such a rule would be very beneficial.

So I guess for me, the level of humiliation or enjoyment I feel, and the reactions I have to being required to ask permission, entirely depends on who is giving the order, what my relationship is with them, and what their intentions are.

 

[cellis]

serijules I hear what you are saying...

But those very things that you find offensive... I find very exciting and erotic...

Of course I am not talking about on line... I am talking about skin to skin...


Maybe that is the difference... I like Himself to control my ever move... It has nothing to do with whether or not I am capable of making a decision about any of that... It has to do with my relinquishing control to Him for that period of time...

 

[serijules]

serijules I hear what you are saying...

But those very things that you find offensive... I find very exciting and erotic...

Of course I am not talking about on line... I am talking about skin to skin...


Maybe that is the difference... I like Himself to control my ever move... It has nothing to do with whether or not I am capable of making a decision about any of that... It has to do with my relinquishing control to Him for that period of time...

*nods* My only experience with being requested to ask permission for something non-sexual was in my one (and only) online relationship, very new into my 'discovery' of bdsm, with a man that I later realized I really didn't trust much. So I definatly think there is potential for it to be exciting and erotic...in the right situation with the right person. A newly discovered sub two days into a collar relationship with a man she'd never met was definatly NOT the right situation LOL.

I hope someday I'll have that opportunity to explore that level of control, because I think it's very exciting to overcome something I used to hate/dislike/whatnot and have it turn into something I love or find erotic.