in training and i made a mistake

[heckle]

If you are in training and he is training you, you should try to apologize. Seeing how you are/were in week 1 of training (in a non-24/7 situation), he should have taken care of the situation right then and there. Even though people are "being trained", there shoudl still be time taken out to address real life issues. There should have been a discussion (both of you talking) to figure out what was wrong. Once that was finished, then the training issues of behavior should have been addressed.

I am involved in a 24/7 relationship. While we live the lifestyle, we both realize that we will have bad days and when this happens, we "step out of role" so we can discuss what is happening. But, that is the way we do things. Others may/will have differing views on handling these types of situations.

 

[Kajira Callista]

if she did something wrong and was told to stop but continued whats the problem? i dont at all find that abusive. she knew the rules, agreed to them, and made a choice to break them, then had to deal with the punishment. where is that abusive. punishment like that is effective while a sub is being trained imo *shrug*
simple question.... did you learn something from the whole deal michelina?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Kajira Callista]

what I mean is that being a sub is a very vulnerable thing to be. And there are assholes out there who will use you rather than cherish you for being who you are. No way in HELL would I sub to a man who had not earned it first- especially not 24/7. And earning it would involve looking out for my best interests- thus making sure I was well educated as to what the fuck I was getting into and D/s in general. If you didn't even know what 24/7 refered to why the hell is this guy expecting 24/7 behaviour from you?

you are making assumptions about her and her Dom without any facts darlin'.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Kajira Callista]

she submits all the time to him. (her words) I guess I feel wierd about someone with as little knowledge as she has said she has submitting "all the time". Maybe that's my issue and not a problem here, but it feels to me like a not healthy Master/sub thing. *shrug*

you dont know that...you are not there in it with them. dont jump to conclusions and scare the hell outta the poor girl, she came here to learn not to become jaded.

 

[michelina]

did i learn something?

I learned that I am not to talk to him like that ever again. I also learned that he will allow me to vent and hear what i have to say as long as I don't direct my anger at him.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Re: did i learn something?

I learned that I am not to talk to him like that ever again. I also learned that he will allow me to vent and hear what i have to say as long as I don't direct my anger at him.

then i dont see where the problem is, we all make mistakes when we learn and he seems to understand that

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[michelina]

I want to please him. I just lost control of myself that day. He does understand that,however, I know that I will be punished. I am willing to take my punishment as he sees fit. Like I said earlier, I am new at this and I am learning.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I don't mean to scare her. I've read a lot of being careful to avoid asshole/poser stuff lately and I worry about asshole/posers. If it works for them great, but it would twitch me to see a relationship based on just what she's posted. I'll stop twitching about things I don't have the full story on.

you need to read what she just posted... it says alot.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Kajira Callista]

I was typing while she posted and yes it does.

 

[michelina]

thank you

Thank you for all of you that have posted. I will be seeing him later tonight and I understand that I will be punished. I am not perfect and I do make mistakes. However, I will not make this mistake again.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I have quoted what I consider key portions of michelina's posts into one area, and italicized certain portions for emphasis, with my responses following.

I just started my training 1 week ago today and i have already made some huge mistakes. It almost costed me the whole relationship. See, I became very testy with him and I wouldn't listen and I gave him alot of attitude because I had a really bad day at work. I took out my frustrations out on him verbally. He was so surprised that I acted like that. This happened last Tuesday and he wouldn't speak to me until yesterday. He is still very angry with me and he told me I will be punished for what I have done. Any advice?

"...wouldn't listen ... gave him alot of attitude...." Yep, that's cause for punishment in my book. Advice? Acknowledge the improper behavior, apologize, accept the punishment, and learn from it.

I also forgot to mention that I have huge guilt complex because he has been nothing but nice to me while during this training. When I spoke with him last night, I could still here the displeasure in his voice. So far he has been a fair yet stern dominant. He told me not to call him, that he would call me tonight and that we will discuss this behavior further. The last words he said to me last night were this: you need to think about the way you talked to me and you need to think about your behavior. He went on to say that neither one of those will ever be tolerated again. I dont know what to do from here, I feel so numb inside.

"...nothing but nice..." "...fair yet stern..." Sounds abusive to me - not.
"...you need to think about the way you talked to me and ... about your behavior." Yep. Thinking about how one has erred is a good way to learn not to err in the same way again.
"...neither one of those will ever be tolerated again." Fair warning. You screwed up, you're going to pay for it, and don't do it again. (And presumably, once the discipline for the offense is over, it's dropped - unless the same thing happens again.)

It is not that I think that he will leave me. He usually is very caring and concerned about me and he always ask me about my job and how the day went. Last tuesday when he asked me how my day went,

"...caring and concerned..." Damn him for an unfeeling bastard!

I took my frustrations out towards him, by being very disrespectful towards him and being down right bitchy. He did tell me a couple of times to tone my voice down and to stop cursing and yelling so loud at him. I am not allowed to curse, especially at him. I was so furious about what had happened at my job that I wasnt even hearing anything that he had said.

Lessee now ... anyone who thinks it's okay for a pyl to be "very disrespectful toward" and to curse and yell at their PYL for something that does not directly involve him or anything he has done, raise your right hands. Wow, what a forest of hands I {don't} see!

Once he became angry with me is when I realized that I had made a huge mistake. I want to please him. I am to ask permission before I do anything and I have a bachelorette party coming up this saturday evening and I know I need to ask his permission to go to it. However, at this point , because I acted the way that I did, I am not sure if I should ask him(not for the fear of him telling me no)but for the fact of the way that I treated him.

If you want to go to the party, then ask him. My analysis of what you have said thus far indicates (IMNSHO) that he is a strict but fair PYL, and that he will not likely extend his discipline for your misbehavior indefinitely. To be afraid to communicate with him is one of the greatest errors you can make, IMO.

He also told me that he understands that I am sorry for what I have done, but, he will not tolerate being talked to like that. He also said that I may vent to him about my day, but, i need to learn how to talk to him without the attitude and bitchyness.

Understanding is important - working to understand one another even moreso. That, in turn, will help you learn (and remember) how to treat him with respect and courtesy.

I have noticed that some of you mentioned about "abuse" I am confused. I thought the reason he didnt talk to me until yesterday was because of the way I treated him. I thought I was being a good submissive by doing as I was told by not calling him and waitng for him to call me. He told me not to call him and I was to wait until he called me.

The length of time he didn't speak to you to me is a little long. I prefer to have discipline closely tied (in time) to the offense that requires it. However, if (1) he needed that time to consider your relationship and whether or not he believed you were capable of correcting your behavior before engaging in active discipline, and/or (2) that lack of contact was part or the entire discipline for the offense, then I can understand it. To me, withdrawal - lack of contact - is a very serious disciplinary tool, and any pyl who didn't consider it so would likely not suit me.

I submit all the time to him. I have had very little knowledge and I am learning along the way. I told him that I was very new to this lifestyle and very curious about this lifestyle. He does allow me to yell(vent) about things that are bothering me as long as I don't direct the yelling at him. However, I am not allowed to cuss at anytime, never at him or at any other time. He will discipline me if I do.

Gee, how cruel! He will let you yell and vent, but only as long as it's not directed at him. I have known a number of PYLs who barely allowed their pyls to speak unless directly addressed, and then only in specific response to what was said to them. As far as cussing, if he does not allow it, he does not allow it. Where's the question?

I learned that I am not to talk to him like that ever again. I also learned that he will allow me to vent and hear what i have to say as long as I don't direct my anger at him.

It seems to me that you have learned the lesson he intended, without bruises or scarring either physical or emotional. Ye gods, what an abuser he must be!

And that's my $.02 worth. YMMV

 

[RJMasters]

Re: thank you

Thank you for all of you that have posted. I will be seeing him later tonight and I understand that I will be punished. I am not perfect and I do make mistakes. However, I will not make this mistake again.

michelina,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your situation. As I read what you posted and where you are at, I think you learned that communication is a special thing to be able to do.

I find the punishment you were given an acceptable one, and is not abusive at all, despite what others may have claimed in this thread.

Your contrite words shows me you realise it was you who first abused communication between you and your Dom, and he took that right away from you to teach you that form of communication will not be tolerated.

The fact that it has brought about a right attitude in your heart and a promise of learning from this mistake, says to me that your Dom knows you well enough to know how this type of punishment would have effected you. It shows me he cares about you and the relationship you two have, and not allow this type of behavior to continue, which if allowed to continue, would eventually destroy that relationship.

It is possible to use this form of punishment as a means of abuse, but in this case, I tend to think it was used appropriately to lay an important foundation for proper future communication between you two.

My advice is to kneel at his feet and confess what you did, admit you know what you did was wrong, and have learned your lesson. I would thank him for caring enough to teach you such a lesson, and ask that he would forgive you after he admisters what ever punishment he deems neccessary.

I do not know your Dom, but should my submissve take such an attitude and action after such a wrong, my heart would be opened to her and forgiveness would come gladly. I would put the matter into the past.

I wish you the best and to your Dom.

 

[NCShin]

what i question is not speaking with her for a week.

that is not a punishment in my book. If it is a punishment, and I was the dom who wanted to be with this woman, it would be a punishment to me just as much as her.

I see it as abusive to do that to someone.

If my sub did something similar, i would let her finish venting. I'd calmly take a deep breath to ensure I wasn't angry. Then I'd explain to her what she did wrong and tell her what the punishment would be.

Maybe the punishment would be not speaking to anyone unless spoken to for the rest of the night together, or maybe a spanking, hell even washing her mouth out with soap, I'm not sure just sitting here without hearing what was actually said...But what I am sure of is that I would not send her home telling her not to call me unless I called her, then not call for a week.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Bandit58]

what i question is not speaking with her for a week.

that is not a punishment in my book. If it is a punishment, and I was the dom who wanted to be with this woman, it would be a punishment to me just as much as her.

I see it as abusive to do that to someone.

If my sub did something similar, i would let her finish venting. I'd calmly take a deep breath to ensure I wasn't angry. Then I'd explain to her what she did wrong and tell her what the punishment would be.

Maybe the punishment would be not speaking to anyone unless spoken to for the rest of the night together, or maybe a spanking, hell even washing her mouth out with soap, I'm not sure just sitting here without hearing what was actually said...But what I am sure of is that I would not send her home telling her not to call me unless I called her, then not call for a week.

I have been through that sort of abuse, with my ex husband. It is cruel and makes you feel worthless. He would walk in and just not say a word......because I had "displeased" him He would hardly even look at me, it was like I didn't exist This could go on for days......it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

If I am ever punished, I would much rather take it as soon after the infringement as possible......

 

[Kajira Callista]

ya all need to stop reading your feelings, wants and not wants into her relationship and read what she has written.

 

[dolf]

ya all need to stop reading your feelings, wants and not wants into her relationship and read what she has written.

gotta agree with you on this one. she seems happy enough and if he chooses ignoring her over caning her that's thier business.
xx

 

[rosco rathbone]

ya all need to stop reading your feelings, wants and not wants into her relationship and read what she has written.

kasey is wise

 

[Kajira Callista]

kasey is wise

yes...that is why she asked you oh so nicely to change your av TWO WEEKS AGO! (it scares me uncle rosco)

 

[rosco rathbone]

yes...that is why she asked you oh so nicely to change your av TWO WEEKS AGO! (it scares me uncle rosco)

Lead has turned my head to pudding. I don't even remember two days ago.

La la la la

 

[Daddyslilpet]

The thing that I noticed was that the not talking to her for almost a week was NOT the punishment folks. She said that the punishment was still to come. Soooooo as far as what her punishment actually turned out to be hasn't been told yet.

I am a HUGE advocate for communication, ESPECIALLY when it is a newbie sub just starting out.

Did she make a mistake? You betcha!

Does she deserve punishment? Well that's up to her Dom, but I say you betcha!

Does she deserve two punishments for the same mistake? NO.