IHC's Relationship Advice Thread

[IhateClowns]

It is clear that most of the folks on here are in fucked up relationships. I fancy myself a healer and friend of the masses. Let me put my hand on your forehead and allow you to go into convulsions. I wanna heal your heart and put your minds at rest. I want to help you understand why your partner leaves the seat up. I want to help you answer the "Am I fat?" question in a way to ensure you get laid that night.

Help me help you.

 

[Edensgarden]

Umm.....Can you just make me go into convulsions please? I get off on that.

 

[IhateClowns]

Umm.....Can you just make me go into convulsions please? I get off on that.

Are you epileptic? I have a strobe light around here somewhere.

 

[BlackCashmere]

I don't want to hijack the intent of this thread, but...

I saw you online and wanted to pop in and say hi, and to wish you a very beautiful Christmas and Holidays with your new baby...You are a sweetheart and I wish you all things beautiful this coming year...

 

[IhateClowns]

I don't want to hijack the intent of this thread, but...

I saw you online and wanted to pop in and say hi, and to wish you a very beautiful Christmas and Holidays with your new baby...You are a sweetheart and I wish you all things beautiful this coming year...

Thank you BC. You aren't hijacking the thread. I wish you all the best as well.

 

[Edensgarden]

Are you epileptic? I have a strobe light around here somewhere.

I already have a strobe light and a lava lamp around here somewhere.

Here's a relationship question for you Oh Knowledgeable One.....

How can I get him to give me what I want for Christmas this year?

 

[IhateClowns]

I already have a strobe light and a lava lamp around here somewhere.

Here's a relationship question for you Oh Knowledgeable One.....

How can I get him to give me what I want for Christmas this year?

I know it is a shocker but just tell him. Women talk in secret code. We don't want to go on a scavenger hunt to find clues in hopes of figuring out what the fuck you are trying to "suggest" or "hint at". We can't piss in a toilet without hitting the seat and walls and now you want us to try and decipher the drivel coming out of your mouths. We are simple minded people just tell us.

 

[JustEl]

Love the thread, IHC....

 

[IhateClowns]

Love the thread, IHC....

Apparently people aren't ready for such a revealing and cutting edge thread.

 

[janeyl]

It is clear that most of the folks on here are in fucked up relationships. I fancy myself a healer and friend of the masses. Let me put my hand on your forehead and allow you to go into convulsions. I wanna heal your heart and put your minds at rest. I want to help you understand why your partner leaves the seat up. I want to help you answer the "Am I fat?" question in a way to ensure you get laid that night.

Help me help you.

Fuck the forehead...just put your hand up my skirt...

Sorry...did I say that out loud?

 

[Edensgarden]

I know it is a shocker but just tell him. Women talk in secret code. We don't want to go on a scavenger hunt to find clues in hopes of figuring out what the fuck you are trying to "suggest" or "hint at". We can't piss in a toilet without hitting the seat and walls and now you want us to try and decipher the drivel coming out of your mouths. We are simple minded people just tell us.

OMG...you are so right! ! Why didn't I think of that? Come to think of it, mind reader isn't on his resume.

Thanks for the advice IHC! Can I start convulsing now?

 

[IhateClowns]

Fuck the forehead...just put your hand up my skirt...

Sorry...did I say that out loud?

So then I would be epileptic. No?

 

[IhateClowns]

OMG...you are so right! ! Why didn't I think of that? Come to think of it, mind reader isn't on his resume.

Thanks for the advice IHC! Can I start convulsing now?

Glad I could help strengthen your relationship. It's what I am here for.

Do you have fresh batteries? If so then convulse away.

 

[kimbalee]

Apparently people aren't ready for such a revealing and cutting edge thread.

I think they're just intimidated by your mind powers, "Oh Knowledgeable One."

I have two questions for you. Ready?

1. How do I get the husband character to stop his damn snoring? Good grief, you can hear him outside the house!

2. What do I get the husband character for Christmas when he hasn't given me any list or ideas?

Looking forward to your advice in the matters.

 

[MBFemale]

Why does he not ask for directions? Even when the GPS leads him to the wrong place!!

 

[IhateClowns]

I think they're just intimidated by your mind powers, "Oh Knowledgeable One."

I have two questions for you. Ready?

1. How do I get the husband character to stop his damn snoring? Good grief, you can hear him outside the house!

2. What do I get the husband character for Christmas when he hasn't given me any list or ideas?

Looking forward to your advice in the matters.

You might be right.

As for a snorer there really isn't much you can do. I suggest sleeping on the couch. It is clear he needs his sleep. I don't think it is right of you to try and deny that for him. I would either go to sleep before he does or invest in some noise canceling headphones and learn to sleep upright.

Christmas gifts for those who don't give lists are simple. Either give him a blow job with a surprise pinky slip up his heiny. Or don't get him anything and when he whines about it tell him that communication is the key to any relationship and because he didn't say he wanted anything you respected his wishes. Guarantee he will give you some hints next time.

 

[IhateClowns]

Why does he not ask for directions? Even when the GPS leads him to the wrong place!!

Then you win. Who wants to feel like a loser? I would rather take 8 hours to go 30 miles than let my wife be able to say "I told you so!"

Plus he can easily blame the GPS when things go wrong. It is a built in escape goat. Seriously there is nothing better than being lost and hearing the passenger yap yap yap yap yap about asking for directions. Really is awesome to hear the same question over and over. That's why we choose to ignore it and just concentrate on the melodic tone of your squealing.

 

[MBFemale]

Then you win. Who wants to feel like a loser? I would rather take 8 hours to go 30 miles than let my wife be able to say "I told you so!"

Plus he can easily blame the GPS when things go wrong. It is a built in escape goat. Seriously there is nothing better than being lost and hearing the passenger yap yap yap yap yap about asking for directions. Really is awesome to hear the same question over and over. That's why we choose to ignore it and just concentrate on the melodic tone of your squealing.

Thank you old Wise One...think I just pee'd my panties a little laughing so hard

 

[kimbalee]

You might be right.

As for a snorer there really isn't much you can do. I suggest sleeping on the couch. It is clear he needs his sleep. I don't think it is right of you to try and deny that for him. I would either go to sleep before he does or invest in some noise canceling headphones and learn to sleep upright.

Christmas gifts for those who don't give lists are simple. Either give him a blow job with a surprise pinky slip up his heiny. Or don't get him anything and when he whines about it tell him that communication is the key to any relationship and because he didn't say he wanted anything you respected his wishes. Guarantee he will give you some hints next time.

Oh, that's it! I've been trying for years to wait it out, not going to sleep until after midnight and getting up to make his breakfast at 5am. I'm doing it all wrong. Thanks so much! I'll be fast asleep by 6pm every night from now on. But then what do I do when he bitches, "Where's my dinner?" Do I just offer him another bj instead to take his mind off it? I think I might be catching on to your line of advice here.

Well, he gets the first option quite regularly since I am a perfect wife and it's all about him 24/7... so I guess I'll have to go for option number two. I'm sure it will get a huge response.

Thanks so much, IHC. You've gotten me some more sleep, I have no Christmas shopping to do now, and you've also given the Mister more bjs.
Umm... that didn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean.

 

[IhateClowns]

Oh, that's it! I've been trying for years to wait it out, not going to sleep until after midnight and getting up to make his breakfast at 5am. I'm doing it all wrong. Thanks so much! I'll be fast asleep by 6pm every night from now on. But then what do I do when he bitches, "Where's my dinner?" Do I just offer him another bj instead to take his mind off it? I think I might be catching on to your line of advice here.

Well, he gets the first option quite regularly since I am a perfect wife and it's all about him 24/7... so I guess I'll have to go for option number two. I'm sure it will get a huge response.

Thanks so much, IHC. You've gotten me some more sleep, I have no Christmas shopping to do now, and you've also given the Mister more bjs.
Umm... that didn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean.

The perfect wife would cool dinners all day Sunday for the week. Label them for each day. That way he knows ahead of time what he is having for he week. That also leaves more time for evening blow jobs. Then after said blow job you can pop a melatonin and fall fast asleep before him. DVR the news so when you get up at 5am you have something intelligent to talk about with him instead of "Guess what Sally down the street did yesterday"

 

[IhateClowns]

Giving hope to the hopeless, help to the helpless and hap to the hapless.

 

[IhateClowns]

I have only caused two people to sleep on the couch tonight. Not too shabby.

 

[IhateClowns]

Some relationship advice on the house. Pick and choose your battles. Don't point out the meatloaf is so dry it actually made the poof sound when cutting through it with a fork. She knows you won't like it when you make a sandwich at 930pm. Just grin and bear it and drink plenty of water between bites.

 

[BlueEyedGent]

This thread is funny as hell....love it!
Puts the Dear Abby column to shame!

 

[IhateClowns]

When a woman holds your hand in public by interlacing her fingers in yours resembling a knuckle sandwich, don't fret fellas. Simply fake a sneeze and quickly un clasp the vice grip. Then move your hand back to hers holding it in a more comfortable position for yourself. She can't complain because she is too busy sincerely blessing your fake sneeze and you have Jedi mind tricked her because you still end up holding her hand in a way that allows blood to flow through your fingers.