I have questions about the effects of fear on the Dom/ly Toply sort of person, please

[snowy ciara]

When I was home last month, I had several encounters with a very nice Domly person whom I've known for a bit. He had never seemed interested in me personally, and he had never been super interested in knife play. Suddenly (or so it seemed to me) he was asking me if I would consent to scene with him and he wanted to do something knifey. While I have seen him play at parties with his sub, the knives were not a big part it. There had been a conversation at a munch my second night back and again, he had not seemed overly excited about them. So last Sunday, at a BBQ, I asked him why the sudden about face.

He said "I'm not into knives; I'm into fear. (big maniacal grin here) At the munch, when knife play came up you (meaning me) turned white and tried to change the subject." I explained that knife play scares the bejesus outta me to the point that I consider it a hard limit. He jokingly asked what else scared me that badly because it was the fear that gave him a woody, not the object that instilled the fear. According to him, there is a difference between the type of rush you get from dominating someone, and the rush you get from 'mere' intimidation and the rush you get when someone's scared to death. (And when a person manages to get participate through the fear it's like winning the Stanley Cup, the World Cup and the Lottery all at once.) I'm wondering what the difference is, but we got interrupted and I never got to really ask him that.

So my questions are...

Does fear itself attract you?

Does fear turn you on? (I know, it's a fine difference between attraction and turn on, so not everyone would separate the two.)

Is there a difference between in the ways that intimidation and fear and Domination effect you, and if there is, would you please elaborate?

Before we got interrupted, he was saying that a gay D/s scene wouldn't attract his interest, because he's hetero, but watching a scene at a party where the Leatherman was preparing to do a butterfly board to his boy turned him on immensely. He said it wasn't the scene, or the butterfly board, it was the boy being scared to point of tears that er, enflamed his desires.

I hope I'm making sense here. If not, let me know and I'll try to clarify things further. I guess it never occurred to me that someone's fear would be enough to inspire interest. Thanks for reading my thread and thanks in advance to Those who are considering answering me.

 

[Netzach]

When I was home last month, I had several encounters with a very nice Domly person whom I've known for a bit. He had never seemed interested in me personally, and he had never been super interested in knife play. Suddenly (or so it seemed to me) he was asking me if I would consent to scene with him and he wanted to do something knifey. While I have seen him play at parties with his sub, the knives were not a big part it. There had been a conversation at a munch my second night back and again, he had not seemed overly excited about them. So last Sunday, at a BBQ, I asked him why the sudden about face.

He said "I'm not into knives; I'm into fear. (big maniacal grin here) At the munch, when knife play came up you (meaning me) turned white and tried to change the subject." I explained that knife play scares the bejesus outta me to the point that I consider it a hard limit. He jokingly asked what else scared me that badly because it was the fear that gave him a woody, not the object that instilled the fear. According to him, there is a difference between the type of rush you get from dominating someone, and the rush you get from 'mere' intimidation and the rush you get when someone's scared to death. (And when a person manages to get participate through the fear it's like winning the Stanley Cup, the World Cup and the Lottery all at once.) I'm wondering what the difference is, but we got interrupted and I never got to really ask him that.

So my questions are...

Does fear itself attract you?

Does fear turn you on? (I know, it's a fine difference between attraction and turn on, so not everyone would separate the two.)

Is there a difference between in the ways that intimidation and fear and Domination effect you, and if there is, would you please elaborate?

Before we got interrupted, he was saying that a gay D/s scene wouldn't attract his interest, because he's hetero, but watching a scene at a party where the Leatherman was preparing to do a butterfly board to his boy turned him on immensely. He said it wasn't the scene, or the butterfly board, it was the boy being scared to point of tears that er, enflamed his desires.

I hope I'm making sense here. If not, let me know and I'll try to clarify things further. I guess it never occurred to me that someone's fear would be enough to inspire interest. Thanks for reading my thread and thanks in advance to Those who are considering answering me.

Not an aphrodesiac for me. I'm a humiliation fetishist when it comes to weird psychosexual sadism.

 

[snowy ciara]

Would it count as self hijacking if I asked why humiliation works for you?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Note to self

Return to this thread with cognizant thoughts at a later date.

 

[snowy ciara]

Thank you in advance.

 

[Netzach]

Would it count as self hijacking if I asked why humiliation works for you?

No real idea. I just likes it.

I think I like it as a Top even more because when I'm experiencing it vicariously I find it even more intense an adrenaline rush than when I was experiencing it directly. I don't know how to explain that better.

 

[Shankara20]

Fear - what a wonderful emotion. It can save your life, or rule it. Over coming it, or rather coming through it, is a great rush. The calm and clarity on the other side of fear is intoxication - after the shaking, the narrowing of vision, the desire to withdraw - to hide - to die, that conquering experience is growth.

I have been told that when facing fear and you sweat - it is an old fear you are confronting, if you become cold it is a new fear you have just discovered.

Caveat time: I am now going to talk about in a negotiated consensual safe scene without going into all the descriptions of those terms that could bog this down.

Being able to bring real fear and assist someone through it to the other side is a huge turn on for me as a Top (or what ever word works for the moment). The trust given to me excites me, the use of my power excites me, the ability to use my craftsmanship excites me, being in control excites me, and frankly experiencing someone else's fear while remaining calm myself is a big boner maker.

As this thread goes forward I may have more to add or clarify, but I gota go away for the evening.

Great question. Thanks.

.

 

[snowy ciara]

Thank you Shankara. So in your case, it seems a bit like the power as the instiller of the fear is a large part of the woody making. So in the situation where you are watching somebody get terrified, but are not the instiller of fear, (like the scenario above) do you still find it arousing?

 

[FurryFury]

There is some great stuff on this thread already.

Great post Shank!

I LOVE seeing fear in his eyes. I have to confess that.

I also love it when I find myself overcoming a fear. It's a huge high for me.

I love seeing that fear edge in other people's demos and play also. It's just hot for me. I don't know why. *shrugs*

Fury

 

[SouthernDom]

To envoke true fear in another through Domination does nothing for me........

To see your submissive partner trust you to venture into fearful areas within a D/s scene or their sexuality that they have never allowed anyone into before is quite satisfying IMO.

Such acts also go a long way in the validation of the bond of total trust that has been built.......truly a beautiful thing to watch blossom between partners.

In the right setting broadening horizons & firsts of any kind have always been high on my list of activities within scenes.

 

[SpectreT]

What SouthernDom said, more or less.

The trust is the rush, not the fear.

 

[FurryFury]

I hear you both.

I'd never go there without the trust first.

Fury

 

[Hester]

 

[lne_iii]

To envoke true fear in another through Domination does nothing for me........

To see your submissive partner trust you to venture into fearful areas within a D/s scene or their sexuality that they have never allowed anyone into before is quite satisfying IMO.

Such acts also go a long way in the validation of the bond of total trust that has been built.......truly a beautiful thing to watch blossom between partners.

In the right setting broadening horizons & firsts of any kind have always been high on my list of activities within scenes.

EXACTLY.
To know that they are scared, but that they trust you enough to allow it to continue...that's the best.

 

[Netzach]

I think a small flutter of uncertainty is not what your friend is talking about though, snowy, right?

I can dig that, I'm talking about some big time "I don't think I want my balls pinned to this board" crying freakout -- another flavor altogether. Pushing through that is another level of sadism that I personally am not drawn to. I don't find a degree of challenge to overcome a problem, but honest to God fear is more uncertainty than I find appealing.

I don't get off playing with fear/edge junkies, I find myself out of my element more than I like to be.

 

[snowy ciara]

I think a small flutter of uncertainty is not what your friend is talking about though, snowy, right?

Right, the little butterflies are cool and don't freak me out and most of the PYL sort of persons I know seem to enjoy them. It's when you start playing with a fear that's so basic and primal that it resolves itself to a flight or fight response that seemed to turn this man on, which I thought was sort of unusual.

Thank you every body for participating, I'll be baqck with more weird thoughts this afternoon.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have told the Domly One here about your thread...hopefully he will add to the discussion.

Catalina

 

[DomRick]

I am more on the side of SouthernDom. I do not relish invoking fear in anyone or anything since I retired from the military. However, I do get a huge rush from seeing someone, or something, through a real fear of theirs. Human example: When I first met my current sub, she was scared to death of walking down stairs. Unstable, sweating, short of breath, small tentative steps. Seems crazy to some, but for her it was a real and present fear. She had a very similar fear of darkness. Probably more can relate to this. Over the last four years, through helping her face her fears head-on, nurturing, rewarding and punishing when necessary, she can navigate my two story house, in the dark, at night or blindfolded with confidence abounding. That is a rush to me and a victory for both of us. Non-human example: I took in a rescued foster Husky in February. Same two story house, and this dog was okay climbing the stairs to the second/main story of the house, but when it came time to go downstairs, he about had a heart attack. Piddled, stuck his tail between his legs and tried to hide behind the sofa. Through firm and gentle pursuasions, not rushing and leading by example, this dog now four months later runs and frolicks throughout the house with abandon. Personally, I love the triumph of overcoming fears and look forward to my own personal accomplishments and helping, assisting or watching others overcome theirs. Now, intimidation, that's a story for a different thread.

 

[FurryFury]

I am more on the side of SouthernDom. I do not relish invoking fear in anyone or anything since I retired from the military. However, I do get a huge rush from seeing someone, or something, through a real fear of theirs. Human example: When I first met my current sub, she was scared to death of walking down stairs. Unstable, sweating, short of breath, small tentative steps. Seems crazy to some, but for her it was a real and present fear. She had a very similar fear of darkness. Probably more can relate to this. Over the last four years, through helping her face her fears head-on, nurturing, rewarding and punishing when necessary, she can navigate my two story house, in the dark, at night or blindfolded with confidence abounding. That is a rush to me and a victory for both of us. Non-human example: I took in a rescued foster Husky in February. Same two story house, and this dog was okay climbing the stairs to the second/main story of the house, but when it came time to go downstairs, he about had a heart attack. Piddled, stuck his tail between his legs and tried to hide behind the sofa. Through firm and gentle pursuasions, not rushing and leading by example, this dog now four months later runs and frolicks throughout the house with abandon. Personally, I love the triumph of overcoming fears and look forward to my own personal accomplishments and helping, assisting or watching others overcome theirs. Now, intimidation, that's a story for a different thread.

Sounds like some good stewardship going on here!

Good for you, your lady and your doggie!

Fury

 

[Netzach]

As Dominants how much credit can we really take for things like this though? I know we love to, believe me.

I've definitely seen and supported my partner through some things. I'm enjoying watching a willingness to be open and even exhibitionistic blossom in a VERY almost pathologically private person, for one thing.

He'd smile and say how great and inspirational I am, but honestly I would say that it's about him being inspired to change and grow, just by being in a relationship and the degree of responsiveness and accountability that's built into that.

I imagine that something snaps, you realize how much your fear of the dark is cutting you off from enjoying and you decide that it's got to go. Having a considerate and patient partner on your side has to help, but I really think we're kidding ourselves when we act like Gods and not cheerleaders.

 

[Shankara20]

Thank you Shankara. So in your case, it seems a bit like the power as the instiller of the fear is a large part of the woody making. So in the situation where you are watching somebody get terrified, but are not the instiller of fear, (like the scenario above) do you still find it arousing?

The power is by far the largest part of the turn on for me. Most of the time when I play I am not looking for fear to be a part of the experience, but if that is the set-up we agree to, then that is where we go - or try to go.

I do not get off watching fear in movies or reading books that use it. If I were watching the butterfly board scene I might very well get the hots for several reasons: I love butterfly boards in general, I enjoy watching others scene, and if I can relate to one of the people involved - that is, place myself in the scenario - I can get going by watching. Actually, as the question is about the fear, if I can relate to Top I can get turned-on, if I start to relate to the fearful bottom it is limp-dick time for me. I'm not saying I won't enjoy it, I'm saying it won't be a sexual turn-on.




.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

As Dominants how much credit can we really take for things like this though?

Recognizing the fear exists rather than missing it, or worse, ignoring it in pursuit of personal "uuuhhh" deserves a little credit. i enjoy twisting a feared "thing" into something pleasureable for both parties in spite of a partner's misgivings. On occasion, you (Netz) might also get the cherry on top for your partner experiencing humiliation at having enjoyed something that frightens said partner.

 

[FurryFury]

As Dominants how much credit can we really take for things like this though? I know we love to, believe me.

I've definitely seen and supported my partner through some things. I'm enjoying watching a willingness to be open and even exhibitionistic blossom in a VERY almost pathologically private person, for one thing.

He'd smile and say how great and inspirational I am, but honestly I would say that it's about him being inspired to change and grow, just by being in a relationship and the degree of responsiveness and accountability that's built into that.

I imagine that something snaps, you realize how much your fear of the dark is cutting you off from enjoying and you decide that it's got to go. Having a considerate and patient partner on your side has to help, but I really think we're kidding ourselves when we act like Gods and not cheerleaders.

Being who I am, I give ALL the credit to he or she that guides and inspires me! What else could I do? Without him or her I would NOT have done these things on my own.

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

Although I am very much into sadism, BDSM is just partly about pain for me. It is more about sensations and needs, mutual needs, it is also about balance and contrast. The contrast of joy and fear and the mixture of pain and orgasm. I enjoy playing with emotions like joy or panic or enhancing the senses using either pain or pleasure.

Fear is just one of many colours (one of my most favourite colours nevertheless) I use on the slave I am using as a canvas for my attempt at art, living art that is. Fear is an interesting emotion, one which highly arouses me. Fear is an emotional response to threats, and different people fear different things. No threat evokes the same response from all people; even within a narrowly defined group like for example the type of slaves I am attracted to.

It is this diversity when playing with fear which partly makes it is so attractive, every person needs to be played with differently; every slave has its own limits and responses. I have found that the levels of arousal in the Dominant and slave a like differ greatly, although in my experience almost all submissives and slaves will get aroused by fear to some degree.

Fear is also an excellent emotional response that can be used to impel changes in attitude or behaviour, it is an often overlooked training aid and a very effective deterrent for certain types of behaviour. Threats induce fear but of course a threat alone can never be enough, a threat is useless if the other party knows that it will only remain a threat. But if your only training tool is fear you should find another diversion or profession.

My main interest in fear is to create sexual arousal, sexual arousal not only for my partner but of course also for me. I also believe that fear play is quite common in what is often considered to be edge-play, however I would go as far as saying that fear in some ways always plays a role in BDSM.

Punishment, humiliation, abandonment, pain, knife play, fire play are all based on some sort of fear we all have inside us, some of us play very specialised fear games and others play a more broader spectrum. But in some minor way we all play with fear. Sometimes I find the fear of pain can be a lot more arousing than pain itself.

Just as pain can create an endorphin rush through our veins, fear can create an adrenaline rush, a rush which for example is also often looked for by athletes, or adrenaline junkies. In BDSM we have the luxury to be able to play with both of those rushes.

Francisco

 

[Netzach]

Recognizing the fear exists rather than missing it, or worse, ignoring it in pursuit of personal "uuuhhh" deserves a little credit.

Yes, very well put.