I have a friend...

[Mischka]

I have a friend that I don't know how to help. I'm hoping someone here can give me some insight, because this just baffles me.

I'll start with the financial problem. She's in a dead-end job, and laments that if she could afford to go back to school, she could finally get her dream job. She can't afford to go back to school, however, because she's $125 dollars/month short on the tuition payments (after factoring in loans, grants, etc.). In the next breath, she tells me that she just spent $150 for an ionic breeze machine. And right now she's out shopping for cloth to reupholster her outdoor furniture. For the deck that's not yet constructed. In the yard that's half finished.

She spends money like most people breathe. She owes another friend $1,500 and her psychiatrist $2,000 (on top of all the standard bills). She's clinically depressed and already on medication. She's been seeing pychiatrists for almost two decades now, and tried every anti-depressant short of lithium, but she seems to be getting worse. She's increasingly late for things because she said the clock just doesn't matter.

We both know that she shops because it makes her feel better in the short term, which in turn makes her feel worse in the long term. Whenever I try to get her to confront that fact and stop wasting money, she gets defensive and sullen.

It is just so overwhelming seeing my friend like this. What on earth can be done?

 

[IrishWolfhound]

Mischka hun, it's great that you want to help your friend. She obviously has a serious depressive disorder, and all the things you talk about are symptoms of that. Medication and the counseling she is receiving are what will help.

As for you...if you try to help I'm betting you will get mangled in the process. Be supportive without condoning her self destructive habits. But keep your perspective.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

 

[lickerish]

Let her hit rock bottom, no matter how ugly it gets. She can only help herself.. it's an addiction, like drugs.. seriously.

It's tough to watch someone go through that.

 

[sexy-girl]

my sister is like this some ... she is incapable of saving money although i dont think its because of depression ... but she is meant to be going on holiday soon and she has to pay a friend of hers for the air ticket ... shes going to need someone to bail her out although she hasn't asked but in the mean time shes going out and spending hundreds of pounds every weekend and getting in more debt

she has a shelf stacking job at the moment at a supermarket she left a £25,000 a year computer job because she wanted to move down to london to be nearer friends ... she is "kind" of looking for a new computer job but not very hard


she already owes me £500 my father about £1000 and my mother £200 ... i dont exactly earn a lot of money so £500 is a huge deal for me ... i think she'd borrow money off my girlfriend also but i wont let her do that


anyway to cut a long story short i think because she's never had to save in her life before she is just incapable of doing it at the moment shes very smart but seems blind to how she is messing up her money i dont know how to make her see this even when i've confronted her about it


im sorry i can't offer better advice mischka but i guess my only advice is that its going to have to be a big shock and a big talk for your friend to understand what she is doing and i think it will be the same for my sister maybe you could help her do a budget ive found that even if you lend money my sister just spends it instead of saving it for her holiday

 

[TN_Vixen]

someone who truly wants to help him/herself will sacrifice almost anything to reach that goal. As long as any short-term gratification is being met, the goal is no longer the issue.

Step back and help this person to realize this.

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[ma_guy]

Sounds like my ex-wife.

As several people have already said, it's an addiction. The "shopper" sees their own self-worth in what they buy (or the ability to buy something to begin with..).

If she IS at that stage then the only thing to can do is let her bottom out. She's may not be willing to seek help herself until she doesn't have money or access to credit.

My ex and I fought over this for years. We finally had a HUGE blow-out when I found out she had 10 or 12 additional credit cards (in my name no less!) that she had been hiding and then tried to take out a 2nd mortgage on the house to try to pay them off. 4 years later I'm just now catching up on my half of the bills.. (which totaled over $300,000...).

If your friend is still seeing a shrink CALL them and let them know what is going on. She may not be telling them this side of her life.

 

[Guest]

Do a humane thing.

Take her to the vet and put her to sleep.

 

[Guest]

Let her hit rock bottom, no matter how ugly it gets. She can only help herself.. it's an addiction, like drugs.. seriously.

It's tough to watch someone go through that.

Lickerish, gets some sleep will ya?

you got eyebags.

Msicika, i can give you good advice contact me via e-mail ok

 

[Mischka]

Thanks, all. I know this is a problem with no easy solution, and I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice.

 

[Guest]

You shud be a good friend to her and support her emotionally. obviously, she is an emotional wreck. Perhaps she was physically abused by her dad when she was young and that is why she spends so much on quacks??