I don't know how to quit

[Etoile]

It has to be done. I have to break up with my Daddy. It's complicated, though.

Some of you may remember my "asking for more" thread from several months back. Well, I never got more. I have been actively trying to make things better for more than a year, but it hasn't worked. The relationship is in shambles, but Daddy doesn't seem to know it. E always thinks everything is fine even when I have been stating (obliquely and explicitly) that I am not happy in this relationship. I keep waiting for it to get better and the months keep passing with no change.

I've never broken up with anybody before. At all. My wife is the first person I had a serious relationship with, and we're still together. The second person I had a serious relationship with was my Daddy, and we're currently still together. I had a non-serious relationship when I was in high school, I hated it, and just stopped returning his calls. But I can't do that with Daddy. But how do I quit?

In addition to not knowing how to break up in general, I don't know how to do it from a sub perspective. I haven't been topped or dominated in ages, so it's not like I need to ask for release, but there's always been a hint of power play even up to now, so I do need to take that into consideration. But I have to do what's right for myself...I have to shake off the things that are making me unhappy.

And then of course there's the poly part of it...I'm not sure what's going to happen in that respect. My wife has told me that I should do what I need to do. But, again, it's complicated.

I actually decided this more than a week ago and I've already told myself "well, I'll just ignore things, I won't go visit, but I won't officially break up" - and yet I'm not satisfied. I need to let go. Maybe doing so will change em so eir next partner won't be so heartbroken by the complete apathy. Or maybe not, and e'll just keep masturbating forever.

I don't know what to do, my friends. How do I let go?

 

[graceanne]

Wow. *hugs* I wish I had something wise to say, or could tell you what to do, but I don't. I've only ever broken up with one person, myself, and I was 17 and . . . well I wasn't real nice about how and when I did it. I'd say you need the closure of actually ending it. It might hurt to call her and say 'it's over', but then you'll be able to go from there and start healing. *hugs*

 

[Kierae]

Just be honest Etoile - it is what I would expect out of you. Breaking up is never easy, no matter the dynamics. Someone is always hurt but in the long run if you are honest, lessons can be learned (hopefully) on all involved parties. It is clear that the relationship has moved on and you two are in different places - it happens sometimes. Folks always don't grow together/follow the same path. Reality is that sometimes partners get an eye opener and who knows...paths cross again when folks learn the lessons (or not).


Take care of yourself - be true to yourself....

~Kierae

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Etoile, my friend, I wish I had a great deal of wisdom to offer you, to help smooth the way. Over the years I have had several relationships fail, some inspite of me best intentions, some because of them... *smiles ruefully & shrugs* Some things simply are not meant to be forever.

Along the way I have found that for me, personally, it is necessary to bring the intimate part of the relationship to a close. A kind of "I love you, but it's time for me to end this because..." approach is how I've done it in the past with those I've cared for but could no longer maintain the relationship with because of x, y, & z reasons. Do not make it a litany of their failures because that will likely cause defensiveness. Keep the list of reasons short, two maybe three things, and keep it focused on your needs.

I do this because it brings closure to _me_. I _hope_ it brings closure for them. The ending does not need to be a drama scene. It can be done quietly, with dignity, with compassion. It can not be done without at least some pain, because that is the nature of all endings, but you can only control your part in this.

How your Daddy responds is out of your hands. Because this has been a downward spiral for you for sometime, I would hope that your Daddy would not react like "Whoa! Were did this come from?" But frankly, from what you've shared in the past, it seems that your Daddy is, at best, apathetic towards your needs. This doesn't mean E won't react badly, but I would hope that being honest now about your needs, as well as in the past, will minimize the dramatics.

Once you've said your piece, leave. And for goodness sake, don't waffle. For your sake and theirs, make a clean break of it. The idea of remaining friends is all well and good, but allow time for anger, for mourning, AND for healing. I managed to remain friends with my ex-wife, but we've had to work through some things along the way. Being motivated to remain partners as parents to our children helped in that situation, but with other ex's, I've had a harder time maintaining the friendship. For me, it seems that when it's over, it's _over_.

Do what you need to do, dear Etoile, for your emotional and spiritual health. If you do not, who will? This may not be easy, but you will survive. And hopefully, grow from your experience.

 

[pinklilone]

I needed to see this. I am in a similar situation; I love my Dom very deeply. However, things for various reasons, are just not what they once were. I know He loves me too---so the pain of ending it will be very difficult to bear---but I know it must be done.

I suck at breaking up. Good luck Etoile.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have no advice for you, etoile. And I would never presume to give you any.

How I would "quit" and how you will end up doing so, will be nothing alike, I'm sure.

Just know that I know how you feel. And I'm sorry you're going through it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry to hear you have reached this place Etoile. It is a journey we all have to make at some time and in it's time. My only advice if you could call it that is to be honest and open, explain your reasons if asked (and I always thinks it minimises hurt in the long term if they know why), and remain firm by reminding yourself if necessary of why you are taking this step. Good luck and happier times ahead I wish for you.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

Etoile I am so sorry to hear this, but i admire your bravery at being honest with yourself and the situtaion.

I agree with ADR that any advice from me would not necessarily be the right advice for you. The good thing about thread advice is you can listen, think about it and decide whats right/wrong or a varation of right for you. You don't have to act on any of it

Catalina, Kierea and EG have made really good points about ending a relationship, Gracie is right about the healing too.

Personally I think you have done the hardest part because you have admitted to yourself that it needs to end.
Your wife makes a good point when E says, you need to do whatever is right for you.


Breaking up can be done in 100's of different ways and none of them are easy.
It doesn't have to be acrimonious it can be ok. It takes two people to end it and as EG said allow time for grieving for whats lost.
I remain friends with my ex husbands, but its not been easy. It works because we don't have any love emotional feelings for each other, just an understanding that we once had something good.

I have no experience of ending a D/s relationship, but I can imagine that, for me, the submissive side would come secondary to my own needs at that time.

Take care Etoile

pinklilone I hope everyones thoughts on this are useful to you and you are able to do whats right for you.

 

[serijules]

Im sorry to hear this Etoile, but I understand completely.

Reminds me of my relationship prior to D. I really cared for L a lot, but it was more so that she was a good "scener" than she was a good "dominant". When it was good, it was great, but when she was in off mode, it was very bad for me.

It took a lot of courage to end that relationship. It's easier to end things when you have reasons that are more clear cut....like when I ended my relationship with LAR because he ignored my safeword and my boundaries. Or when I ended my relationship with C because of the same thing. But with L, those reasons were not there, it just wasn't working for me because she wasn't emotionally supportive or invested on the same level that I was and was unwilling to change. It's hard to let go of something that has the POTENTIAL to be what you need and want it to be, but just isn't happening like you need it to. It takes a lot of courage. I know you have that courage.

Two of the three times I've ended relationships, I've done so by being forthcoming and honest but trying to avoid the "you did this wrong and didn't do this right" method. That just leads to hurt feelings and ruined friendships, and it was always my intentions to try to preserve the friendship (which unfortunately is much harder than you would think). We sat down and I told them that I was feeling this and that and felt I needed more than the relationship was able to give me and that I felt it was best if we moved on, and hoped we could still be friends as they were very important parts of my life, and I hoped that we would be able to preserve that.

The hard part comes after the breakup when you try to remain friends and the anger they may not have expressed originally starts to come out. Time heals some of those wounds though.

Best of luck *hugs*

I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself and doing what you know is best for you.

 

[Guest]

It has to be done. I have to break up with my Daddy. It's complicated, though.

Some of you may remember my "asking for more" thread from several months back. Well, I never got more. I have been actively trying to make things better for more than a year, but it hasn't worked. The relationship is in shambles, but Daddy doesn't seem to know it. E always thinks everything is fine even when I have been stating (obliquely and explicitly) that I am not happy in this relationship. I keep waiting for it to get better and the months keep passing with no change.

I've never broken up with anybody before. At all. My wife is the first person I had a serious relationship with, and we're still together. The second person I had a serious relationship with was my Daddy, and we're currently still together. I had a non-serious relationship when I was in high school, I hated it, and just stopped returning his calls. But I can't do that with Daddy. But how do I quit?

In addition to not knowing how to break up in general, I don't know how to do it from a sub perspective. I haven't been topped or dominated in ages, so it's not like I need to ask for release, but there's always been a hint of power play even up to now, so I do need to take that into consideration. But I have to do what's right for myself...I have to shake off the things that are making me unhappy.

And then of course there's the poly part of it...I'm not sure what's going to happen in that respect. My wife has told me that I should do what I need to do. But, again, it's complicated.

I actually decided this more than a week ago and I've already told myself "well, I'll just ignore things, I won't go visit, but I won't officially break up" - and yet I'm not satisfied. I need to let go. Maybe doing so will change em so eir next partner won't be so heartbroken by the complete apathy. Or maybe not, and e'll just keep masturbating forever.

I don't know what to do, my friends. How do I let go?

This may be a silly question but....
Have you tried sitting down and having the "This just isn't working anymore and this is EXACTLY why" conversation?
It's the one that you have to have while wearing normal clothes, sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee...
And at the end of which, it is usually much (relative I know) easier to be in the "This is over for me" place in your mind.
*sigh*
Breaking up always sucks ...But breaking up without some closure to things tends to suck for a lot longer.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Leaving a relationship is always hard, no matter the circumstances. Even when things get bad, you still care for the other person and don't want them hurt. And the longer you delay things, the harder it will get. But you hang on anyway, hoping that things will change or that you'll figure out a way to break it off without causing pain. Inevitably, it still causes pain. There is no way around that.

Of course, the best breakups are those that happen amicably. But they are few and far between. Sometimes after a break up, distance will heal that so that a friendship may develop. But that doesn't happen often, either.

Honesty about why you are leaving the relationship is always best, but doing it without the other party getting defensive is hard to do, especially when you're leaving because your needs aren't being met. Ultimately, you can't stay in a relationship where your needs are being ignored.

I know this probably hasn't really helped and it's been said before. I wish you luck, Etoile.

 

[boz]

I want to add my supportive thoughts as well, Etoile.

Advice-wise, I think Evil Geoff has already said what I would have said. Be prepared with words and phrases that express as clearly as possible what you need to communicate, so that you can draw upon them when you need them.

 

[FurryFury]

When dealing with difficult people, the kind that ignore you or twist what you've said around so that you end up on a whole different tangent than the one you meant, or people with whom you've talked about the same thing often and gotten no results or changes, I prefer to write.

I can put all of my thoughts on the matter out there without them interfering. They can still choose to ignore my concerns of course but what I needed to say is still on record.

I don't know if that will help you with this difficult task or not.

*HUGS*

Fury

Oh and here are some lyrics to a song I was listening to today, it made me think of your situation while I was driving to my gigs.

Rock In This Pocket Lyrics by Suzanne Vega

"Excuse me
If I may
Turn your attention
My way
One moment
I won't plead
It isn't much
It's what I need

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see

If you turn from me
You darken my sun
You snap that thin thread
I call my horizon
And I'd like to remind you
Of something small
That the rock in this pocket
Could cause your fall

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see

So small to you
And so large to me
If its the last thing I do
I'll make you see

I might be out like a light
Extinguished in the throw
But I'll hit my mark
And you'll know
Because I'm really well acquainted
With the span of your brow
And if you didn't know me then
You'll know me now
You'll know me now

And what's so small to you
Is so large to me
If its the last thing I do
I'll make you see

So small to you
And so large to me
If it's the last thing I do
I'll make you see
Make you see
Make you see"

 

[Recidiva]

I remember this thread, and I'm sorry it's come to this for you, but happy you have reached a point of decision. If you need anybody to talk to, I'm here.

 

[Chicklet]

When I broke up with my boyfriend, it took months to really come to terms with the fact that I even *wanted* to break up with him. After so many years, it becomes habit to stay with someone, especially someone you deeply care about... It's hard to acknowledge that you aren't getting what you want from your relationship with them, and it's an even harder step to actually break away. Sometimes it's easier just imagining that they'll be the one to sever the ties, but that way you could be stuck for a lot longer.

I feel for you, just like everyone else here does.

My own experience involved me just blurting out one day that I wanted to break up. He didn't take me seriously, until I started moving all my stuff out. Even then I think he harbored the idea that we'd get back together for a long time. It was extremely difficult, because I still loved him, and still do love him, and want to spend time with him. After all, if I didn't like him as much as I did, I wouldn't have stayed with him for five years, right?

My only advice to you would be to sit down and tell your Daddy the truth about how you feel, and not to let your heart talk you out of it. It's extremely hard to have this kind of discussion. I don't think anyone can give you the script to the conversation, or even get into your head well enough to tell you what kinds of things you should say. My own experience was just like "get it over with". I don't know if it was best, but it worked for me.

 

[graceanne]

Oh and here are some lyrics to a song I was listening to today, it made me think of your situation while I was driving to my gigs.

I've actually got a song stuck in my head from where Etoile said:

How do I let go?

It's Faith Hill and the chorus goes:

Help me let go, darling won't you
Help me let go!
If this is for the best, why are you still in my hear
Oh, you're still in my soul.
Help me let go.

 

[Netzach]

This is one of those questions to which there is no one good stock answer I'm afraid.

How do you let go?

Slowly, with sensitivity, grace, and love for yourself as well as for em.

 

[FurryFury]

I've actually got a song stuck in my head from where Etoile said:



It's Faith Hill and the chorus goes:

Help me let go, darling won't you
Help me let go!
If this is for the best, why are you still in my hear
Oh, you're still in my soul.
Help me let go.

I love song lyrics. I guess that's pretty clear.

Faith Hill looks hot, btw, I can't say I've listened to her music but yeah, she's a hottie.

Fury

 

[graceanne]

I love song lyrics. I guess that's pretty clear.

Faith Hill looks hot, btw, I can't say I've listened to her music but yeah, she's a hottie.

Fury

So do I. In my next life I'm going to sing for my living. lol I know my kids think I should now, but they might be biased.

 

[FurryFury]

So do I. In my next life I'm going to sing for my living. lol I know my kids think I should now, but they might be biased.

Aww! Lucky you! My kids always hated my singing until a few years ago. Now they think I should go on American Idol but I'm much too OLD. LOL!

If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would be Joss Stone. She's 19 and has a GREAT voice singing songs I LOVE!

Fury

 

[graceanne]

Aww! Lucky you! My kids always hated my singing until a few years ago. Now they think I should go on American Idol but I'm much too OLD. LOL!

If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would be Joss Stone. She's 19 and has a GREAT voice singing songs I LOVE!

Fury

My oldest said the other day "Mommy? Will I sing as good as you when I grow up?" lol Talk about a compliment. She's also asked why I'm not famous. lol

 

[Etoile]

I want to thank everyone profusely for your kind thoughts in PMs and posts. Hearing outside perspectives keeps me from going crazy...and reassures me that I am seeing things as they are, and that it's okay to do this.

My wife has suggested not burning my bridges yet, so for now I am just going to keep quiet and not interact with em much. If Daddy comes to me and says "I miss you, come visit me" then perhaps e is ready to fix what's wrong between us. If not, then the relationship will fade away.

The reason for doing it this way is because I want this to be as amicable as possible. I still love em, I still care about em, I still worry about em. I don't want to lose em as a friend, and I think announcing that it's over would hurt that friendship, and that would hurt me. So I'm just waiting to see what happens.

Part of me wants closure. I want it to be over and done with. But I need to maintain the friendship more than I need the closure, so I will live with it as is for a while, and find my security in knowing that I am free to truly end it at any time.

 

[babiesmiles]

I am thinking of you Etoile , feel me close .
I hope you can find the best way for you to solve that difficult situation without any pain . I really hope all goes second your wishes , needs and desires . *hugs*

 

[WriterDom]

quoting Kahlil Gibran

Joy & Sorrow
Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. "

That's my favorite line. Sometimes making the hard choice carves a lot of sorrow. But it has to be done.

 

[waterkemist]

Here is an ehug "(u)"

If I was close I would hug you for real. I am sorry for your loss.

I can only suggest that you come from honesty and state your feelings. I have read many of your posts, and you are quite a good communicator. For that reason I have faith in your handling of this situation. Make yourself a list of lost or misdirected communications, and then test each item on a positve-negative scale. Cross out the negative ones, and restate them in a positive manner, otherwise you are just bitching.
Hope this helps, and good luck.