Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

"Male Perspectives on Marriage"

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this from a fellow A/Her. Good Stuff
DG


Where did "Piss Poor" come from?

Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery...

..if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even
afford to buy a pot... they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all, the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start again the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:
"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; "of holding a wake".

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer".

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

multiples

Not sure this will exactly fit here but it was a very humorous experience.

Several years ago I wanted to be recognized by other lesbians around town but not necessarily broadcast it to all and sundry so I purchased a sticker to put on the back window of my van.

It had the medical symbol (Caduceus) and said “multiple orgasm donor” below it.

I was at the local wally world loading purchases into my van one Saturday afternoon, when a little old lady walked up to the car beside mine with a cart full of stuff and she noticed the sticker.

She said “Oh, honey I need to get one of those I'm an organ donor too!”

It was all I could do to keep my cool and just smile and agree with her. She had to be 70 years old or better and I damn sure didn't want to explain what it really said to her.

 

[DG Hear]

Saxon Stonedyke :
It made me smile. We welcome you to our humor site. Feel free to post whenever you like. The more posters we have the better.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Pipe


1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, Centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.

NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available
in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or a short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10.When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those in pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded together or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

17. Certain Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.

-----------------------------

Submitted to the Journal of the Institution of Diagnostic Engineers

 

[Dianthus]

Zen Humour

A Zen monk walks into a pizza parlour and says "Make me one with everything."

The proprietor makes him an all-dressed pizza, which costs $11.95. The monk pays with a $20 bill but receives no money with his pizza. He says to the proprietor, "I would like my change, please."

The proprietor says "Change comes from within."

************************

Two Zen monks were walking down the road.
First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
The second monk slaps him across the face.
First monk: "Why did you do that?"
"I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird stuff like that."

 

[DG Hear]

Dad Approved

I’d been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to my very protective father. My mother thought he’d take it better if she explained to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely.

"A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders."


The Worst Part

My two daughters were discussing the less than desirable physical attributes they had inherited from their father.

The older one: "I hate my freckles from Dad."

Her unsympathetic younger sister: "At least you got his freckles. I got his eyebrow."

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

My father had to have steroid injections placed in his cervical spine recently. In order to ensure he wouldn't move during the procedure they knocked him out.

After it was over and he came around the nurse brought him out to me. She had all sorts of instructions about watching the injection site for signs of infection etc. Then she told me he could have a light lunch immediately and a regular dinner later.

Dad was still about half stewed from the anesthetic and comes out with the following.

“yeah, she's taking me to Joe's tonight!”

The nurse seemed a little confused.

“Oh, really? Where is Joe's do they have good food?”

I'd heard him joke about Joe's place before and I tried to shush him but it was too late and he was too stoned on whatever they gave him.

“Food? They don't have food at Joe's. I'm talking about Joe's whorehouse!”

The nurse turned and looked me up and down as if she could not figure out why his daughter would take him to a whorehouse. I blushed ten shades of red and Dad just would not shut up.

“Yeah Joe's is having a two for one special this week but since I am so old now I can't take two at once anymore so I'll just send my spare over to her she can handle three of em!”

By this time I'd signed all the papers to get him out of there and several other nurses had wandered in from various areas and everyone was giggling. I could not get him out of there fast enough and I don't think I have ever blushed that much in my life.

It is great that he has such confidence in me and wonderful that he seems to be proud of me being a lesbian but damn!

*note* There is no Joe's whorehouse he just likes to joke about going to it.

 

[DG Hear]

Funny Misprints

Mark Twain warned: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts:

"The patient is married but sexually active."

"When standing with eyes closed, he missed his right finger to his nose and has to search for it on the left side."

"She does indeed have a fear of frying and mental problems that she attributes to deep-fat fryers."

"The patient is a 53-year-old police officer who was found unconscious by his bicycle."

"Her father died from a heart attack at age 12."

 

[topace]

Some funny one-liners from the web.

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

But cucumbers are close---especially when you catch a naked woman doing pushups in the cucumber patch.

 

[topace]

But cucumbers are close---especially when you catch a naked woman doing pushups in the cucumber patch.

LOL! That's what I call hilarious!

 

[DG Hear]

THE ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

As he was trying to drift off to sleep, the man's wife asked, "Honey? If I was to die in my sleep, do you think you would remarry?"

"Maybe," the man said. "I mean, not right away, of course. I'd be heartbroken, but you wouldn't want me to go through the rest of my life alone, would you?"

"No," his wife admitted. After a long pause, she asked, "So, if you did remarry, would you let your new wife drive my car?"

Just wanting to sleep, the man said, "Maybe. I don't know. It's a nice car. Why not?"

"What about our bed? Would you let her sleep in our bed, too?"

"I'd probably buy a new mattress, but why not? We just bought this bed. I like it. It matches the decore."

"Oh, and I suppose you'd let her use my golf clubs, too, right?"

"No, she's left handed."

 

[DG Hear]

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

 

[Handley_Page]

The bridegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into their honeymoon suite.

They had taken off all their clothes, when suddenly the sweet young thing begins to tremble uncontrollably.

"What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice.

She was now shivering all over.

"I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance," she said.

The groom thought about it for a few moments, then picked up the phone and called the bell captain for help.

Four bellboys came rushing into the room.

"Quick! You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them.

To the other two, "Grab her legs and hold her tight."

He leaped into the bed on top of her, slid his penis inside her, and then
shouted to the bellboys, "Okay, fellows, let her go!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Just recieved this one

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from t hese accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of
our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

 

[topace]

Some more funny one-liners:

If all is not lost, where is it?

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 

[DG Hear]

Getting old in FLORIDA

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Longboat Key, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Anna Maria Island reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************


A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
**********************************************************


Two elderly people living in Lido Beach, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
**********************************************************


A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
**********************************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
**********************************************************

Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably.
And never regret
Anything that made you smile
The best things in life are free until the government
finds out and taxes it.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A woman walks in the phamacy and asks where to find the talcum powder. The sales clerk says, "Walk this way."

"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."

(ba-dum-dum)

 

[DG Hear]

Security System

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside:

"Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."


Beware of Dog

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That’s him," comes the reply.

"He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Two buddies were sharing a park bench when a stray dog trotted by, plopped down in the shade across from the two men, and proceeded to lick his balls. "Wish I could do that," said the one guy.

"Go ahead," said his buddy. "But he might bite."

 

[Handley_Page]

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said:
"The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's.

What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same damn dog!"

 

[OzDave]

Two buddies were sharing a park bench when a stray dog trotted by, plopped down in the shade across from the two men, and proceeded to lick his balls. "Wish I could do that," said the one guy.

"Go ahead," said his buddy. "But he might bite."

20 years ago a live to air TV variety show was broadcast in Australia. They were doing a live ad for pet food with a labrador eating from a bowl. When he finished his meal he licked his balls and the main guest said "I wish I could do that" to which the presenter replied "Well you can but I'd pat him first".
I love Aussie TV

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Dirty Little Johnny

The teacher was working through the alphabet, asking each of her students to come up with a word that started with each letter. She started with the letter A and Dirty Little Johnny immediately began waving his hand in the air with an answer. Wise to his ways, the teacher thought of all the dirty words she knew that started with A ass, asshole, arse; no way am I calling on Johnny!. She called on Little Sally who proudly answered, "Apple."

"Okay," said the teacher. "Who can do the letter B?" Again, Dirty Little Johnny waved his hand most enthusastically. The teacher thought balls and bitch and passed over Little Johnny for Little Bobby who proudly answered, "Bat."

The list continued. C = cunt, cock. D = dick until finally the teacher reached the letter R and came up blank. She couldn't think of a single swear word that started with the letter R, so she finally called on her most enthusiastic hand waver, Dirty Little Johnny.

"Rats," D.L.J. proud announced. "Big rats, with big fucking dicks, this damn long!"