Tio_Narratore
Studies
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- Dec 2, 2008
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- 83,010
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine to your brain, and then you get shitty ideas..
Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
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We all know the speed of light. They teach you that at school. But what about the speed of dark?
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Have you never seen this:-
The Darksucker Conspiracy
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.
Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.
As with all man-made devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.
The Darksucker Conspiracy
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.
Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.
As with all man-made devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.
SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2009
- Posts
- 38,862
Re: Darksucker.
Thanks, Mr Page. Funnily enough, I was re-reading Lawrence Krauss’s Fear of Physics recently. He didn’t mention the Darksucker Theory – although clearly he should have. Mind you, my copy of FoP is a 1996 edition. Perhaps there’s a more recent edition that includes this important information?
Thanks, Mr Page. Funnily enough, I was re-reading Lawrence Krauss’s Fear of Physics recently. He didn’t mention the Darksucker Theory – although clearly he should have. Mind you, my copy of FoP is a 1996 edition. Perhaps there’s a more recent edition that includes this important information?
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Grandparents!!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond... I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied.. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond... I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied.. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Rodney's song, "Show them To Me"
Funny, has been around for awhile.
Click link below.
DG
http://www.tagtele.com/swf/embed5.0...tp://www.tagtele.com/videos/playlist/11924/1/
Funny, has been around for awhile.
Click link below.
DG
http://www.tagtele.com/swf/embed5.0...tp://www.tagtele.com/videos/playlist/11924/1/
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old.
Well . . . You'll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice , And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.
I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School ..
'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.
When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.
He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'
You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled Faced,
Fat-assed,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit
Son-of-a-bitch
Asked,
'what Did You Teach???
Well . . . You'll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice , And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.
I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School ..
'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.
When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.
He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'
You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled Faced,
Fat-assed,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit
Son-of-a-bitch
Asked,
'what Did You Teach???
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A five-dollar bill walks into a saloon. The bartender says, "You'll have to leave. This is a singles bar."
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and the owner goes up to them and says, " What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A brain walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and the owner goes up to them and says, " What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A brain walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
monsterrdude
Experienced Guru
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2007
- Posts
- 1,392
SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2009
- Posts
- 38,862
Four Oxford Dons were making their way down the street when they happened to see a group of ladies of the evening.
‘Well, well, what do we have here?’ the first scholar enquired. ‘A jam of tarts perhaps?’
‘Nay,’ the second said. ‘I think we are looking at an essay of Trollope's.’
‘I would have said a flourish of strumpets,’ the third suggested.
‘No, my friends,’ the fourth concluded. ‘I fear you are all wrong. This is clearly an anthology of pros.’
‘Well, well, what do we have here?’ the first scholar enquired. ‘A jam of tarts perhaps?’
‘Nay,’ the second said. ‘I think we are looking at an essay of Trollope's.’
‘I would have said a flourish of strumpets,’ the third suggested.
‘No, my friends,’ the fourth concluded. ‘I fear you are all wrong. This is clearly an anthology of pros.’
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A horse walks into a fun-loving drinking establishment and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve ham sandwiches."
The sandwich replies, "That's okay, I just want a beer."
An astronaut and his buddy bounce into a bar on the moon and the astronaut complains, "The drinks are okay, but there's no atmosphere."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve ham sandwiches."
The sandwich replies, "That's okay, I just want a beer."
An astronaut and his buddy bounce into a bar on the moon and the astronaut complains, "The drinks are okay, but there's no atmosphere."
monsterrdude
Experienced Guru
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2007
- Posts
- 1,392
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Still have a few bar jokes left
Maybe you've heard of the not-to-bright would-be lawyer who walked into a bar and said, "So is this where I take the exam?"
A grasshopper goes into a saloon and hops up onto a seat at the bar. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Harry?"
Maybe you've heard of the not-to-bright would-be lawyer who walked into a bar and said, "So is this where I take the exam?"
A grasshopper goes into a saloon and hops up onto a seat at the bar. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Harry?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please. Oh, and one for the road."
A golf club walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I can't serve you"
"Why not?" asks the golf club.
"Because you'll be driving soon."
A penguin goes into a saloon and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
"I don't know, What does he look like."
A golf club walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I can't serve you"
"Why not?" asks the golf club.
"Because you'll be driving soon."
A penguin goes into a saloon and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
"I don't know, What does he look like."
Dianthus
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2009
- Posts
- 30,434
Ron*, a retired gentleman in Florida, owned a large property with pond in the back.
The pond was good for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, Ron decided to go down to the pond, look it over and enjoy the sunset. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some oranges and limes.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. Getting closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some guys think fast!
*Name has been changed to protect the guilty party.
The pond was good for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening, Ron decided to go down to the pond, look it over and enjoy the sunset. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some oranges and limes.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. Getting closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some guys think fast!
*Name has been changed to protect the guilty party.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Running low on bar jokes
Have a few left. LOL
A pair of jumper cables goes into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A ghost walks into a tavern at closing time. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits at this time of night."
Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?
Have a few left. LOL
A pair of jumper cables goes into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A ghost walks into a tavern at closing time. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits at this time of night."
Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?
Saucyminx
High heels and attitude
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2005
- Posts
- 6,251
That one is my favorite!
But did you hear about the blind guy who walked into the bar and said, "Ouch!"
or
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "'scuse me Captain, but did you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says "Arrrgh, and it's drivin me nuts!"
Last edited:
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
- Joined
- Mar 20, 2006
- Posts
- 20,432
A special birthday
This week Monica Lewinski turns 44.
Seems like just yesterday she was on her knees in the White House putting everything in her mouth.
This week Monica Lewinski turns 44.
Seems like just yesterday she was on her knees in the White House putting everything in her mouth.
SamScribble
Yeah, still just a guru
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2009
- Posts
- 38,862
Reminds me of the dog who was waiting outside the pub for his master when he was run over by a lunatic on a motorbike, lost his tail, and died.
The next day, the dog finds himself at the gates of heaven where St Peter (have I got the right guy?) asks him what happened to his tail.
‘Lost it,’ the dog said. ‘In an accident.’
‘D’you know where?’ St Peter asked.
‘Just outside the Cock & Bull.’
‘Tell you what,’ St Peter said, ‘I’ll send you back for half an hour; you grab your tail; and I’ll get one of the angels to put it back on for you.’
The dog was really happy. (Well, as happy as a dog can be without a tail.) But when the dog arrived back at the pub, it was already closed, and the landlord (who was tidying up) was gobsmacked to see him.
‘I thought you were dead,’ the landlord said.
The dog nodded. ‘I am. Just came back for my tail’
‘Ah,’ the landlord said. ‘Bit of a problem I’m afraid. It’s already past eleven.’
‘So?’ the dog said.
‘Well, if I retail spirits after hours I could lose my licence,’ the landlord said.
monsterrdude
Experienced Guru
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2007
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Driver's License
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,’ the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
If you see someone without a smile today
Give them one of yours
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,’ the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. ‘Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
If you see someone without a smile today
Give them one of yours
mrliterotic
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2009
- Posts
- 16
how to you get a big girl into bed? Piece-o-cake!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A tipsy guy staggers up to a parking meter. He puts in a quater, the needle stops at 60 and he exclaims, "I can't believe it - I lost 100, lbs."
A pony goes into a bar and says, "How about a hot toddy? I'm a little hoarse."
A giraffe goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?"
A pony goes into a bar and says, "How about a hot toddy? I'm a little hoarse."
A giraffe goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?"
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