Humor Thread

[Weird Harold]

Juvenile giggles rom Arcamax

Doctor Doctor...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well pull yourself together then .

---

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.

Next please!

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.

One at a time please.

---

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.

You're too tents.

---

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible.

Who said that?

---

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!

Hmmmm...Let's hope nothing develops.

---

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.

Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

---

Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!

When did this happen?

When did what happen?

---

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.

I'll deal with you later.

---

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?

Use a pencil 'till I get there.

 

[DG Hear]

Great stuff Harold. Thanks for sharing.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

It all began with an iPhone . . .

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started ...

 

[Weird Harold]

Two lists we've had before, but still snerk-worthy

New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

---

Working Man Blues

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

 

[Handley_Page]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sits and waits, and waits. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled 'Yes,' He informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' says the couple, 'But we
were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!! 'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer??'

 

[Weird Harold]

A good day at arcamax -- three of four worth a snerk or two

Procrastinator's Creed
You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

---

Banking Error...
A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America

---

Temperature
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."

 

[TE999]

Little Willie took a mirror
Licked the mercury right off
Thinking in his childish error
It would cure his whooping cough
At the funeral, Willie's mother
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown
"It was a chilly day for Willie
The day the mercury went down."
***

Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Well, don't do that.
***

A sexually naive girl marries her Greek boyfriend and they're very happy. Then one day she appears at her mothers house sad and crying.

"What's wrong dear?

"Oh, Mother, we've been trying to have children but I can't get pregnant."

"Don't worry dear, I'm sure you'll be pregnant soon."

"I don't think so Mother, I can't stop taking a shit afterwards."
***

A census enumerator knocks on the door of a house and a man opens it. He introduces himself and asks "What's your name?"

"McCoy."

"What's your profession?"

"I'm a sock tucker."

"What's that?"

"I tuck socks back in the packages as they come off the line at the factory."

The enumerator goes next door and another man appears. "What's your name?"

"McCoy."

"What's your profession?"

"I'm a cork soaker."

"What's that?"

"I soak the corks so they swell up when I put them in the wine bottles."

Next door, another man "What's your name?"

"McCoy."

"What's your profession?"

"I'm a Coke stacker."

"What's that?"

"I stack the cases of Coke in the trucks that go to the stores."

Enumerator goes next door, knocks, a man answers.

He introduces himself to the man and asks his name.

"McCoy"

The census enumerator's amazed and says "It's the darndest thing. Your neighbors have the same name as you and have unusual jobs. One's a sock tucker. one's a cork soaker and one's a Coke stacker, that's weird."

"Yeth it is," says the man with a smile, " But I'm the real McCoy, sweetie."

 

[Handley_Page]

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.

My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

 

[DG Hear]

A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog, while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks into a big store, and looks like a normal man in a big shop; a bit lost. One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.
"Urrm, yes, could you tell me where the women's department is please?"
"Certainly sir, it is on the first floor, the escalator is over there"
"Thank you"

On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical. Another assistant comes over.
"Hello sir, can I help you?"
"Is this the women's department?"
"Err, yes sir, what is it you are a looking for?"

"A Vacuum Cleaner"

 

[TE999]

A cowboy walks into a store selling women's lingerie, sees a salesperson and says:

"Howdy, Ma'am, I need ta buy ah brassiere for mah girlfriend."

"Of course, do you want a Playtex?"

"I surely would like to, missy, but mah hoss is double parked."

 

[meathead96]

Bank Heist

During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”

The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exits.”

"I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance"

 

[sadangel]

Alex went to his doctor, Dr. Santa and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I`ve ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can`t stand it anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"

Dr. Santa answers "Well, I`ll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure."

So Santa puts Alex through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what`s causing your stuttering."

Alex excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da- da-doctor?"

"It`s your privates. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large privates - It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."

Alex asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Doooo it!" Alex replies.

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later Alex comes in for a follow up appointment.

Alex says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don`t know how to thank you. But I`ve only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn`t like it anymore with my new, shorter privates. I`ve thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."

Dr. Santa says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal`s a da-da- deal!"

 

[Weird Harold]

Sea Mammal

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

 

[Handley_Page]

20 Fun Things To Do On Halloween

1.Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2.Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3.Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4.Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5.Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6.After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7.Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8.When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9.When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10.Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11.Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12.Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13.When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14.Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15.Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16.Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17.Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18.Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19.Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20.Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

 

[DG Hear]

Last week, a woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beachand was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised
in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."


She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical
skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the
right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his
well oiled butt.... You get the picture.


She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.


"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, she felt he sounded
sooo sexy!


Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I
hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and
I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything baby. Now how does that sound?"


He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need
to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[DG Hear]

What's brown and sounds like a doorbell?
Dung.

What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart
pygmies?
The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts.

How can you tell when your girlfriend gets too fat?
When she sits on you and you cant hear the stereo anymore.

 

[Weird Harold]

A good crop at Arcamax today.

What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part I

Ground floor opportunity

-Lousy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company

- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player

-Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personalities

-Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential

-There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public Relations Receptionist, Professional appearance important

-$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

Salary range $24K to $32K

-The salary is $24K

Will train

-Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

BA required, MA preferred

-Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil service

-This job was filled from the inside six months ago

---

What The Job Ad Says; What It Means, Part II

Outstanding benefits package

-Health insurance

Tons of variety

-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top notch communication skills

-Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale

-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary

-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary

-The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated

-You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate

-We'll pay you whatever the we feel like

Salary negotiable

-We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary

-We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!

Competitive starting salary

-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere

-A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere

-Zombie pod people

Self-starter

-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means

---

Reality T.V.

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

---

The Lawn Mower

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Enjoy"

 

[sharkandpen]

knock knock

1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Interrupting cow
2: Interrup--
1: Moo

That's all I got.

 

[DG Hear]

1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Interrupting cow
2: Interrup--
1: Moo

That's all I got.

Thanks for posting, keeps the thread on page 1. Some A/Hers don't want us here at all.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the string.

What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.

Wwhat are the 5 reasons for not wanting to be an egg?
1. you only get laid once.
2. you only get eaten once.
3. it takes you 7 min. to get hard.
4. you have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. the only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

 

[Tarakin]

Mickey Mouse is in Divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I can't grant you a divorce because she's crazy. In fact, Minnie seems quite sane to me."

Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one in my e-mail. Had it before but it's cute.
DG

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[Weird Harold]

Chowder
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

[Reader's Digest.]

---

Investor
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

---

Real Teachers
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

---

Screenwriter
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says.

"My agent called?"