Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Funny Sayings

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[DG Hear]

Girlfriends' Lunch Out

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there were very good looking.

Ten years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[DG Hear]

A man was on the $64,000 question and they asked him, what were the
first words Eve spoke to Adam?
"That ones too hard for me," he replied.
"You're right! the emcee announced."

What were the first words Adam spoke to Eve?
"i don't know how big this thing gets."

"What did Eve do when Adam came home late?
"Counted his ribs."

What computers did God put in the garden of eden?
Eve had an apple and Adam had a Wang.

 

[Handley_Page]

Lear From My Failure

Never assume that your parents are asleep at 2AM and creep into their bedroom to borrow the laptop. You will see your mom from an entirely new angle. #LFMF

 

[DG Hear]

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
When eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.



What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.



Why do women like hunters?
They always go deep into the bush, shoot twice, and eat what they shoot.

 

[Weird Harold]

Another funnie day at Arcamax

Funny Signs, Part I
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

Funny Signs, Part II
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."


Conducter
A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

 

[DG Hear]

Great stuff Harold, thanks for making my day.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach....

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the Lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

 

[DG Hear]

Who had the earliest recorded case of pms?
Mary. She rode Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem.


You think your shit don't stink but your farts give you away.


A man went to bed with a stiff proposition and woke up with solution
in hand.

 

[Handley_Page]

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.."

 

[Handley_Page]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment...'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

 

[Handley_Page]

A: "I just got as flyer in the post informing me I can have sex at 75"
B: "Really ?"
A: "I'm quite happy because I live at 67 so it's not far to walk home afterwards"!

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Three blonds are hiking through the wood when they come upon some tracks.

The first blond says "Those are deer tracks."
The second blond says "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blond says, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

An hour later all three are still arguing when the train kills them.

 

[DG Hear]

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.

"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

[Handley_Page]

Conspiracy Theories Right Here In Our Own Country!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognise me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Bear in the Woods

A man decided to go hunting one weekend. He stocked up on supplies and headed out. Stopping at a beautiful spot, he set up camp. In the middle of the night he heard a noise and decided to check it out. Grabbing his gun, he stepped out of his tent only to discover that a bear was approaching. The man shot, missed, shot again, and missed again. The bear was so angry that he charged at the man, grabbed him and began sodomizing him. The man was so frightened that he packed up his camp and left.

A couple weeks later, the man decided to try going hunting again. This time he found a lovely spot on a mountain, and so he set up camp. In the middle of the night again, he heard a noise, and grabbed his gun before checking it out. He had been practicing and was sure he'd be able to shoot whatever was out there. Stepping outside he saw the same bear as before. He shot, missed, shot again, and missed again. Again, the bear snatched up the man and began sodomizing him. Once again, the man packed up and left.

Three weeks later, the man decided to try hunting one more time. He found a fantastic spot near the river, so he set up camp. He heard a splashing noise in the middle of the night and decided to check it out. He'd been lifting weights and was sure he was strong enough and focused enough to shoot whatever was out there. He grabbed his gun and stepped outside. It was the same damn bear! The man shot, missed, shot again, and missed again.

The bear stood very still as a grin spread across his face. He walked slowly over to the man and said,

"You don't really come here to hunt, do you?"

 

[Bebeslut]

I don't really like being a wet blanket, but I believe prostitution is illegal in both those places. That doesn't mean they don't have cat houses, of course, but I don't know why people would visit one when there are legal cat houses a short distance away.

There are escorts all over Las Vegas. I guess some guys would rather it came to them.

 

[DG Hear]

There are escorts all over Las Vegas. I guess some guys would rather it came to them.

This was odd, I couldn't find the quote from Box? Thanks for posting on this thread anyway. Keeps us on the front page.
DG

 

[Zeb_Carter]

This was odd, I couldn't find the quote from Box? Thanks for posting on this thread anyway. Keeps us on the front page.
DG

That's 'cuz it was made back in 2008.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
I don't really like being a wet blanket, but I believe prostitution is illegal in both those places. That doesn't mean they don't have cat houses, of course, but I don't know why people would visit one when there are legal cat houses a short distance away.

There are escorts all over Las Vegas. I guess some guys would rather it came to them.

Prostitution is illegal in Clark County, including Las Vegas:

http://www.lasvegaslogue.com/prostitution

Nevada has local option, meaning individual counties can make it legal or not.

Personally, I would rather visit a legal brothel than an illegal one, but I would prefer a call girl come to my hotel room than either of those choices. You can order one online. The site where you would order one includes stories, including many I wrote, that they have pirated.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks for clearing that up Box. You take what you can get when you're old like me. LOL

 

[DesertPirate]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[DG Hear]

What do you call it when a man puts his penis in a hotdog or
hamburger bun?
a manwich.

What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
the wrinkles.

What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
her legs.

 

[LadyGreyFortress]

Funny Sayings

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

I LOVED this...thank you so much for posting

 

[TE999]

Did you hear the one about the fireman whose wife bore him twin sons? He named one Jose and the other Hose B.
***

My wife's a light eater. When it gets light, she starts to eat.
***

Two men are sitting at a bar and strike up a conversation. "I can't seem to make friends," says one. "Gee that's a shame," replies the other. "Yeah," the first one replies, "My mother says it's because I'm too frank with people. Know what I mean, baldy?"
***

A priest is out walking one morning when he happens upon a little boy stamping on the ground and saying "These goddamn ants. These goddamn ants." "For same, son, for shame," the priest admonishes him. "Cursing and stepping on those poor insects. They're God creatures as we are and he put them here for a purpose. I wager you can't name three things on this earth that serve no purpose."

"Aw, that's an easy one Father," the boy replies, "A nun's tits, a priest's balls and these goddamn ants."
***

A sheltered debutante is being driven to her hairdressers for a formal dinner at her parent's house that evening. When they stop in traffic she sees the word 'FUCK' spray painted on a wall. Curious, she asks the chauffer what the word means. Flustered, he replies that it means 'to serve'.

That night at dinner, she's asked by her parents to tell the butler in which order the guests are to be served. Proud of her new vocabulary word she says to the butler "Please fuck the Carsons first, then the Andersons, then the Bradys, then the Daniels, then the Morgans..." at which time a man says "I like this kind of dinner. Does anyone mind if stick my pecker in the mashed potatoes."