Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.


Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are

 

[Weird Harold]

Clearing Way?
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

---

Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet,he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

---

Facts of Life
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -- then start worrying)

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 -- Women, 2 -- Fractions

 

[Miss_Pixie]

There were 10 people hanging from a rope on a cliff,
9 were men
1 was a woman.
The rope could only safely hold 9 people.
So the woman declares, "I'll let go!" and gives this inspiring speech...
All the men clap for her.

Laugh if you get it...

 

[DG Hear]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elev ator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you
choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be happier and better off .. in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I w as here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today .. you voted."

 

[DG Hear]

This was sent to me, thought I might try it.
DG

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today and
we all could use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you've started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a
pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of prozic and Valum pscriptins,
the res of the chesescke and a chox of bocolets.


Yu haf no idr ho fxxkin gud I fel.

 

[DG Hear]

Somewhere in the hills of Tennessee!!!!!!!!!!!

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

 

[DG Hear]

Thought you'd get a kick out of this one....

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives

(!?!), read on....


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared

the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,



'If FORD had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,

we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'


In response to Bill's comments, FORD issued a press release

stating:


If FORD had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be

driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just

love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6 The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road, and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-apart.

8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas, and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh No pun in ten did.

 

[Weird Harold]

Eat Chocolate?
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

---

Thanks A Lot
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern........

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and it eats the paint off of cars.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

---
Thanks A Lot, Part II
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your stinking chain letters over the past years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern........

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer use my cell phone because I could spontaneously combust at a gas station while refueling my car.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 5,000 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will poop on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a...etc...

(Editor's Note: This last statement is sarcasm -- not to be taken seriously. In other words, please don't send an e-mail to 5,000 people and claim ArcaMax Publishing told you to do it....Thanks!)

(Additional note: The editor's note also applies to blaming Weird Harold or Literorica. )

 

[Weird Harold]

Day Care
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."

---

Doctor's Help?
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Aviation Quotes

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -- General Douglas MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." – USMC Gunnery Sergeant

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." -- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -- Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies"

“Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "Oh S***!"

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." -- Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." -- Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." -- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

 

[DG Hear]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . . '
My wife ' s going to have her baby in the cab. '
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady ' s dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient 's anterior chest wall.

' Big breaths, ' . . . I instructed.
' Yes, they used to be, ' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a ' massive internal fart. '

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient ' s two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I ' m running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn ' t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how ' s your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can ' t seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I ' m sorry Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . '

Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name....

1 MORE


Baby ' s First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor ' s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby ' s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don ' t have any milk. '

I know, ' she said, ' I 'm his Grandma,

But I ' m glad I came

 

[OzDave]

All good'ns

 

[Weird Harold]

It's that time of year again -- old, bad, turkey jokes.

Turkey Survival
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"

---

Breeding Turkeys
A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
---

12 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird!
Salmonella won't be a concern.

Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

No one will overeat.

The smoke alarm was due for a test.

Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

---

Turkey Riddles
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

---

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?

'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

---

What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?

The Butter Ball

---

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?

Plymouth Rock!

---

When is a turkey most like a ghost?

When it's a-gobblin'

 

[Handley_Page]

Do they ever get it right ?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/11/16/fox_news_beatles_manchester_gaffe/

 

[DG Hear]

Spread the stupidity

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Why do we leave cars worth thousands of Grands in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

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EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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[Weird Harold]

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

---

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."

 

[DG Hear]

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury.

"Why is the injury not covered?" he asked.

"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."

That made me laugh Harold. I know a few people like that. LOL

 

[Weird Harold]

A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

---

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

---

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway.

---

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

 

[DG Hear]

You've added some great humor to the thread Harold and help keep us on page one. I thank you and I'm sure our readers do too.
With respect
DG

 

[Weird Harold]

You've added some great humor to the thread Harold and help keep us on page one. I thank you and I'm sure our readers do too.
With respect
DG

Arcamax has a million of 'em and I try to cherry pick ones that haven't been posted here -- or not been posted often enough to be annoying

The best of today's four jokes from Arcamax:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

 

[JackLuis]

"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert ,
in five years there’d be a shortage of sand.”

~ Milton Friedman​

 

[Dianthus]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light."

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[Weird Harold]

I Love polack jokes, no matter how they're repackaged.

(I Love polack/lower slobovian jokes, no matter how they're repackaged -- even if they're repackaged as blonde or redneck jokes.)

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

 

[meathead96]

I'm from the mountains, so before you say anything, I include myself in this joke:

What did one mountain man say to another mountain man when a prostitute fell in front of him?

Hoe-down!