Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Fresh

Tiger Woods' Car jokes.

Jokes don't come FRESHER than these...
Can;t wait to forward them... lol..
Thanks for sharing..

 

[DG Hear]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie, haven't read it for a long time.
DG

69ing

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69"

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets
go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on."Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,you're crazy!

 

[DG Hear]

A Guy Walks Into a Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?" A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

 

[DG Hear]

A Guy Walks Into a Bar Jokes II

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

 

[DG Hear]

A Guy Walks Into a Bar Jokes III

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.

 

[YoursSINSerely]

DG, You had to know that I would get a one-legged kick out of these bar jokes. Cheers, honey! Thanks for posting them.

 

[DG Hear]

DG, You had to know that I would get a one-legged kick out of these bar jokes. Cheers, honey! Thanks for posting them.

Always a pleasure Sin. Here's a Christmas joke for you:
DG

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

[DG Hear]

'LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'

Had pics of Ducky but to much trouble to post. Just picture a cute little Duck saying these things.
DG

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!


Wouldn't you know it.....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question!!!!


Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
This is a very special statement!!!!!!!!!


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

 

[DG Hear]

Just recieved this from a friend.
DG

It was the night before christmas and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Dad at the whore house mom smokin grass and I'd settled down for a nice piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter! He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell I knew right away that fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer! He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight piss on u all and have one hell of a night! MONEY IS SHORT TIMES ARE HARD HERE'S YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARD!!!

 

[phoenixangel]

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says
to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the 'beginning.'"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt
and form it into the likeness of you and breathe
life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and
starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

being the good christians we are, (lol) my family LOVED this joke. it was mailed to every relative and friend we know. can't get enough of this thread DG. Thank You.

 

[DG Hear]

being the good christians we are, (lol) my family LOVED this joke. it was mailed to every relative and friend we know. can't get enough of this thread DG. Thank You.

Thank you, you are always welcome here.
DG

Just recieved this one from another friend.

A man walks into a bar and asked what does a man have to do to get free drinks?

The bartender said, "see that horse at the piano? if you can make him laugh, drinks are free all night."

The man goes over to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse bursts out laughing. the man drinks free all night.

The next week end the man walks back into the and asks again about free drinks again. The bartender says, "if you can make the horse cry, your drinks are free all night."

The man walks over to the horse and again whispers in his ear. The horse breaks down sobbing. The man goes to the bar for his free drinks.

The bartender baffled and curious says to the man, "in all the years I've been here, no one has been able to do what you did. what did you say to the horse?"

The man sipping his scotch said, "last week i told him I had a bigger dick then he did. Tonight I showed him."

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Always a pleasure Sin. Here's a Christmas joke for you:
DG

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Fa, la, la, la, la. Merry Christmas, DG!

 

[Zeb_Carter]

An Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Then there is the laptop steering wheel desk...????? What's funnier is the pics the customers sent in.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

The Tiger Woods jokes have started...

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

 

[JackLuis]

The Darwins are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped... Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies..
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.
To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[DG Hear]

Construction Worker

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[DG Hear]

Santa isn't connected

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,

"Didn't you get my E-mail?"

 

[TE999]

In honor of Tiger Woods...

A husband comes home from his usual Saturday golf game several hours late.

"Where have you been?" says his wife. "What took you so long?"

"It was terrible," he replies. "Ol' Fred died on the ninth hole just after he sunk his putt for a bogey."

"Oh my goodness!" the wife says. "That must have been difficult."

"You're darn right. It was tee off and drag Fred, tee off and drag Fred."

 

[TE999]

A cowboy rides up to the town saloon, ties up his horse, then lifts the animals tail and plants a big wet kiss on it's asshole.

Another cowboy sees him do this and says "Why'd you do that pardner?"

"I got me some chapped lips."

"Does doin' thet help any."

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

 

[DG Hear]

To All My Democrat Friends:

>Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
>for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,
>non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice
>holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
>persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
>respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of
>others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
>at all.
>
>I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
>medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
>accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the
>calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society
>have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is
>necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the
>Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race,
>creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
>preference of the wishee.
>
>
>To My Republican Friends:

>Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
>

 

[DG Hear]

How Marriage Works..

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife..

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.... You know... I would have loved to take you with me to the bar so that you can see what I mean but there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it,
Asshole?'

So he stayed home........
.........and, they lived happily ever after.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Click it...you know you want too!

Go ahead and click it!

 

[DG Hear]

Click it...you know you want too!

Go ahead and click it!

Funny Zeb, I get a lot of PPS's but can't post them here. Thanks for the post.
DG