Humor Thread

[Quinn71]

Old man who is very hard of hearing goes to the Doctor because he is having trouble keeping food down.
The Doctor tells him he'll need a urine sample and a stool sample.
Old man say "What? Speak up Sonny!"
His wife leans over and says, "He needs your underwear!"

 

[DG Hear]

OK, forgive me but I found this really funny!


Did you know this?
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense, 'ate'.

And have you noticed that if you Rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants"and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, raggedy ass bastards with you."

How weird is that?

 

[DG Hear]

This is bad but still kind of funny.
DG

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! Im paralyzed! I cant get up!"

He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. Youre kneeling on one of your tits."

 

[DG Hear]

Receiving Flowers

A blonde and a brunette were talking. The brunette complained, "Everytime my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks, "Dont you have a vase?"

 

[DG Hear]

Blonde learning to Golf

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how shed do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but youre gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husbands penis."

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent! Lets try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."

 

[DG Hear]

This made me smile.

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and hows your cock?"

 

[DG Hear]

Haven't seen this one for awhile
DG

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood.

So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening.

"A police car has just called at the Hamiltons house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchells are having sex."

Hearing this, the boys parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?"

"Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but still funny.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she
looks at the flabbergasted teller and without
missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'

 

[DG Hear]

old man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says "I'm retired and have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day."

The young man says, "Well then why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live."

 

[DG Hear]

Why god?

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

 

[DG Hear]

Dumb, but kind of funny

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find herin the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied:"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered:"But its only been two days what do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

 

[DG Hear]

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least oncea day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

 

[Tarakin]

Vader: Luke, I know what you'll get for christmas!
Luke: Why?
Vader: I felt your presents!

 

[DG Hear]

SENT TO ME BY A FEMALE RELATION!
DG


I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

.
.
.
.
.

I told them to kiss off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

(Now that was funny)

 

[DG Hear]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.



Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.



When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call.

 

[DG Hear]

This just made me laugh!

A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

 

[DG Hear]

A man went into a store to buy some condoms.

"Thats 1 dollar 15 plus tax," said the store assistant."

"I dont need tacks," said the man. "It will stay up all by itself."

 

[DG Hear]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 

[DG Hear]

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything." his mates asked.

"yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

 

[Crudebug]

Was nice to find a slew of laffs after being kept away for a while..
Keep up the good work DG.. and the rest of those who post..

 

[SweetWitch]

It happened at the Denver Airport . This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. All of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth, and said, " F . You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

 

[DG Hear]

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what
Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

 

[DG Hear]

What Day Is It?

"I bet you dont know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?"

With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmedred roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfiedthat he had recovered what could have been a very badsituation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "Ive neverhad a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

 

[Crudebug]

What Day Is It?

I bet she will let him go down on her mound and hog it and make him her Moundhog... rrrrotflmao

 

[Crudebug]

OB/GYN Answering Machine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ-XhuFSQFs