Humor Thread

[Zeb_Carter]

Some good ones there Zeb, By the way, I wish I did know her.

Like they say, "I might not be able to do her much good, but she could do me a hell of a lot."

She is married and like I say, "The more they're married, the better they are!"

 

[Crudebug]

New Elements

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light.
Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it.
Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest.
When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do.
Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of brass. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

Kryptonite S
Kills Superman. That's it. That's all it does.

 

[spicecajun]

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa
and his poorly behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming
for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same
for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a
controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long; easy boy.'

Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'It's OK
Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here;
hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the
cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert,
Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five
minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading
the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir,
it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your
composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,
you just calmly kept saying things would be OK.
Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' replied gramps, 'But I'm Albert . . . the little
bastard's name is Johnny.'

 

[spicecajun]

Old one but I still think its funny.




A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a s s -holes.

 

[spicecajun]

Daddys going to eat your fingers

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said,'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

 

[spicecajun]

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says
to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science
has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did
in the 'beginning.'"

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt
and form it into the likeness of you and breathe
life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and
starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

 

[Crudebug]

Thanks for sharing the laffs spicecajun... hope u stick around...

 

[Crudebug]

The husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife, "What's for supper?"
"WHAT?!? You sit in the air conditioning all day while I'm out here working?!? I can't believe you have the nerve to ask me about supper right now! Tell you what -- imagine I'm out of town. Go inside and figure out dinner for yourself."
The husband went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread and a tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally finished the lawn and walked in about the time he was finishing up. "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town!"

 

[DG Hear]

Funny stuff Spice and Crude. Makes for some nice smiles.
Thanks
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Men Vs Women

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

 

[DG Hear]

One-Liners

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

more to come...

 

[Crudebug]

The LA School District set of rules of conduct for FEMALE TEACHERS in 1915 . My how times have changed.
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.

 

[Crudebug]

New Medical Terms....


AFROPHOBIA
Fear of the return of the Jackson Five.

PSEUDONYMHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

DEJA FLU
The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA
Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY
Canine feeding disorder.

SONSTROKE
An attack during the reading of a will

RUMBATOID ARTHRITIS
Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida Loca."

OREOPOROSIS
Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME
Excessive displays of affection.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long
Syndrome.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
herbal-tea addiction.

 

[DG Hear]

MORE ONE LINERS

15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

a few more to go... or would that be come?

 

[DG Hear]

More one Liners

31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

 

[spicecajun]

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

 

[Crudebug]

MORE ONE LINERS
a few more to go... or would that be come?

Just let yourself go and keep 'em cuming

 

[Crudebug]

Curious monk needs fresh Air - Only a True Story could be this funny

http://img0.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/4910/4910980f86073ab0db1f022ba16262a35f99c40.jpg​

I'm still trying to imagine the looks on the faces of the monk, the crew and the fellow passengers.. lol

A Myanmarese monk grounded an Air India plane taxiing for take-off at Calcutta airport on Monday morning by “unintentionally” opening the emergency exit next to his seat. Waza Thunga, allotted seat 11A on the Airbus 320 bound for Yangon, set off an alarm in the cockpit the moment he pulled the lever of the emergency exit to his left “out of curiosity”, airport officials said. The alarm prompted the pilot to immediately abort the scheduled take-off at 10.10am and take the plane back to the parking bay, where all 139 passengers were asked to disembark. A befuddled Thunga and the rest of the passengers were escorted back to the transit lounge, where they were stranded for seven hours as the emergency door was put back in place and the plane put through safety checks.

Full story can be read here...
http://www.telegraphindia.com/1091124/jsp/calcutta/story_11778222.jsp

 

[DG Hear]

Getting Old

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ....
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

 

[DG Hear]

ICE CREAM

a blond walks into the ice cream parlor and she says
*ill have the chocolate please*

the ice cream seller says
*there is no chocolate*

the blond says
*Okay then ill have the chocolate*

the ice cream seller says
*THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE*
the blond says

*okay then ill have the chocolate*
the ice cream seller says

*Okay Spell Straw as in straw berry*
confused the blond spells straw
*S-T-R-A-W*

the ice cream seller says
*good.. good now spell fuck as in chocolate*

Confused the blond says
*BUT THERE IS NO FUCK IN CHOCOLATE*

the ice cream seller says
*THATS WHAT IVE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!!!*

 

[DG Hear]

Puns for fun

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘ No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

[Handley_Page]

Tiger Woods' Car jokes.



One:

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

Two:

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

Three:

Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

Four:

What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing

Five:

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron

Six:

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

Seven:

This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards

Eight:

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Nine:

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though

Ten:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

 

[Crudebug]

Puns for fun

PUNTASTIC

 

[Crudebug]

optimistic firefighter

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/misc/images/zzzzzzzzz_thatshoulddoit.gif​