Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Sent to me this morning by a friend. Some are afraid to post here because they don't want to make waves. I don't have that problem.
DG

A Police officer stops at a farm in the Free State, and talks with an old
farmer. He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally
grown drugs." The farmer says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over
there," as he points out the location.

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority
of the Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?"

The farmer nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the SAPS
officer running for his life chased by the farmer's big bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is
clearly terrified. The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your fokken BADGE !"

 

[DG Hear]

The Men's rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping

 

[DG Hear]

She needed assistance ...

I was at the ATM yesterday, and an elderly lady approached me and asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her.

 

[DG Hear]

...And the fight started!

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping
Channels. She Asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

****

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" While we were In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she an swered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, And Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the Van, and Proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was Blowing 50 Mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and Discovered That the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
Into bed. I Cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
And Whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid Husband I s out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the Road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how Sometimes you just Get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't
Believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, Looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are You?"

And then the fight started.....

****

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She
Said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 Seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

****

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her Some place
Expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply For Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to Verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my Wallet at Home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have To go home And come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt Revealing my
Curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof Enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at The Social
Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have Gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept Staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby Table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took To Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I Hear she Hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took My order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

****

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She Was not happy With what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

 

[trysail]

This is a goddamn hoot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEiLgbBGKVk&feature=player_embedded

Brought to you by Minnesotans For Global Warming.

 

[DesertPirate]

History 1 0 1
For those that don't know about history .... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Coors or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history

 

[DesertPirate]

The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With out hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, Sir", began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

[DesertPirate]

Marine: Hey Swabbie, I hear that your dress blue unifrorm has 14 buttons holding a flap closed on the pants.

Swabbie: Yes that's true.

Marine: So what's the purpose for the flap?

Swabbie: Feeding tray for Marines?

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

[DesertPirate]

Rank Recognition, Navy

ADMIRAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

CAPTAIN:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

COMMANDER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

LT. COMMANDER:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT jg:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.

ENSIGN:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

CHIEF:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it,
HE IS GOD

 

[DG Hear]

Four Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

 

[DG Hear]

Turkey Football

A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!

Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

 

[DG Hear]

Any Bigger?

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

[DG Hear]

During a recent password audit in our company - it was found that a person was using the following password :

MickieMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento . . . ..

When asked why such a long password - she said she was told it had to be 8 characters and include at least one capital . . . . . ..

Must be a blond

 

[YoursSINSerely]

I'm done with my baking, DG. The smoke alarm went off. LOL
Happy Thanksgiving to you. I'm on the road tomorrow.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Patriot Micro Chip

The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead of Terrorists.
When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted, to speak with his /her God.

The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, as it comes in a variety of calibres (5.56mm - 0.5").

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,
THE US Marine Corps

 

[Handley_Page]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the
first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a
typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the
open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never
played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my
car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another,
"I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

 

[DG Hear]

Drafting Guys over 60----

This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman-

New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SON of-a- GUN ! ....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!!

You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night !

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it

 

[DG Hear]

http://img5.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/4900/49008055ba6d974a751b28ad7f81aacdf01faeb.gif​

Happy Thanksgiving to all that read the humor thread. Thank you for visiting our thread.
DG

 

[spicecajun]

Sorry if this has already been posted.

They Do It in Europe


After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.


"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."


Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man.

"I have to go, real bad" he said.


"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."


So he dutifully retired to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked,

"Do you have any toilet paper?"

 

[DG Hear]

Sorry if this has already been posted.

They Do It in Europe


"

Very cute, don't remember reading it before. Never worry about posting something that might have been posted before. We have a lot of readers that are new and may have not read it before. Besides, some jokes are worth a second or third read.

Welcome to the Humor thread.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

When Insults Had Class

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

[DG Hear]

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open n stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come all at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/ee2/ZebCarter/4k43ey1258516236.jpg

 

[Zeb_Carter]

http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/ee2/ZebCarter/eh23fa1258341993.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Some good ones there Zeb, By the way, I wish I did know her.

Like they say, "I might not be able to do her much good, but she could do me a hell of a lot."