Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

1. Open a new file on your computer
>>>>>>
Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

rotflmao...
I bet some of the detractors of this thread are already doing hat to DG today..
Tomorrow they will start with me..
Or.. will the dildo wielding dykes who damn us each time we post... try a cyber version of the voodoo doll.. lol
hey DG,, if you feel a cyber prick. you know whom to blame for giving them the ideaaahhhh
good one !!

 

[Crudebug]

Cults


Cult that shuns scissors and razors: Hairy Krishnas.

Cult that specializes in men's hairstyles: Himdus.

Cult that specializes in finding things: Seeks.

Cult that worships the stock market: Dowists.

Cult that specializes in marquees: Signtologists.

Cult specializing in maps: Chartists

Cult that trains astronomers: Universalists

Cult that takes advantage of everyone: Opportunists

Cult that worships bedsheets: Muslins

Cult of European Pagans that sells furniture made from willow shoots: Wicker (Nat)

Cult that sells table accessories: Shakers.

Cult of Jamaican hookers: More, Mon?

Cult of main-street "cruisers": Moonies.

Cult that trains actors: Methodists

Cult of sub-literate pickpockets: Loot-runs.

Cult of Horn & Hardart customers: Press-biterians.

Cult that sells do-it-yourself deities: Assemblies of God.

Cult for people with only five ribs: Pentacostals.

Cult that specializes in lingerie: Panty-costals.

Cult for people with one of everything: Unitarians.

Cult that worships derrieres: Booty-ists.

Cult that vows to get even: Avengalists

Cult that prays standing in running water: Creek Orthodox

Cult that worships vegetables: Carrotsmatics.

Cult that uses everyone else's churches: Roamin' Catholics.

Cult that specializes in crowds & mobs: Congregationalists

Cult that specializes in certain hair-care products: Jojoba's Witnesses

Cult that specializes in certain male toiletries: Mennenites

Cult that specializes in drooling: Salivation Army.

 

[DG Hear]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese :
' Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
' Lord, if you can ' t make me a better boy, don ' t worry about it.
I ' m having a real good time like I am.. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
' That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
' And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
' And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? '
One bright little girl replied,
' Because people are sleeping. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
' If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
' Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait. '
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus ! '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
' Daddy, what happened to him? ' the son asked.
' He died and went to Heaven, ' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
' Did God throw him back down? '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
' Would you like to say the blessing? '
' I wouldn ' t know what to say, ' the girl replied.
' Just say what you hear Mommy say, ' the wife answered..
The daughter bowed her head and said,
' Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? '

 

[DG Hear]

Where's the Post Office?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the Post Office."

 

[JackLuis]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.



Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'But tell me, how can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'



Remember this story whenever you get advice from a government official!

 

[Crudebug]

Advanced Chinese Speaking

Way back in July, I had posted a list of stock phrases o help those interested in learning Chinese...
Now with China posed to jostle America out of the top spot.. it is time you brushed up your Chinese and increased your vocabulary to deal with your future masters. Here is an expanded list which includes the previous ones..


Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu:
Let's sleep together

Ai Bang Mai Ne:
I bumped into the coffee table

Ai No Pei:
I got this for free

Ar U Wun Tu:
A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat:
You need a face lift

Chow Mai Dong:
Blow me

Dum Gai:
A stupid person

Dung On Mai Shu:
I stepped in excrement

Fat Ho:
An unattractive woman

Gun Pao Der:
An ancient Chinese invention

Hia Dei Kum:
They have arrived

Hu Flung Dung:
Which one of you fertilized the field? / Pew! does this bathroom stink!

Hu Man Go!:
Your body odor is offensive

Hu Yu Hai Ding:
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Hao Long Wei Ting?:
Has your flight been delayed?

Jan Ne Ka Sun:
A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia:
Approach me

Kum Hia Nao:
See me A.S.A.P

Lao Ze Sho:
Gilligan's Island

Lao Zi:
Not very good

Lei Lo:
Stay out of sight

Lin Ching:
An illegal execution

Ne Ahn:
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

No Bai Dam Thing!!:
Your price is too high!!

No Pah King:
This is a tow away zone

Shai Gai:
A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be:
A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne (Tai Ni Po Ni):
A small horse

Ten Ding Ba:
Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung:
A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan:
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah:
Cleaning an automobile

Wai Hang Mi?:
I am not guilty

Wai Go Nao?:
Please, stay a while longer

Wai So Dim:
Are you trying to save electricity? / It's very dark in here

Wa Shing Ka:
He's cleaning his automobile

Wai U Shao Ting:
There is no reason to raise your voice

Wel Hung Gai:
Is that a banana in your pocket?

Won Hung Low:
Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai

Wai Yu Kum Nao:
Our meeting was scheduled for next week

Wai Yu Mun Ching?:
I thought you were on a diet

Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?:
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?

Wai Yu So Tan?:
Did you go to the beach?

Yu So Dum:
You are not very bright

Yu Stin Ki Pu
Your body odor is offensive

 

[DG Hear]

Another Blonde Joke

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this.....
Yep, I know you will....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

[DG Hear]

Lots of nasty language for those who don't wnt to read it.

Very long sorta funny joke

A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the goddam, mother fucking manager you cock-sucking arsewipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,"Excuse me, sir, but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the man asks, "Are you the chicken- fucking manager of this bastard joint?"

"Yes, sir, I am," the manager replies, " and could I ask you to refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"Fuck off!" replies the man. " And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of svivelling shit, show us your pissing piano!"

"Aaaah,"replies the manager. " You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man to the piano. " Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the man proceeds to play the most inspiring and honky-tonk blues that the manager had ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the man knows any jazz. The man proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

" I want a wank over the washing machine but my bollocks keeps getting stuck in the soap drawer." The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if the man knows any romantic ballads. The man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's that called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece." replies the man. The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the custumers.

This arrangement works well for a few months until one night, sitting opposite is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her boobs are almost falling out at the top and the skimpy little G-string she is wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping down her chin. It is too much for the man and he runs off to the lavatory to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.He is pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice....

"Where's the bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and - in a fluster - runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk all over your shoes?"

"Know it?" the pianist replies......

"I fucking wrote it!!"

 

[Crudebug]

Rephrase That Fucking Warning

Lots of nasty language for those who don't wnt to read it.
>>>>>>>
"Know it?" the pianist replies......

"I fucking wrote it!!"

W T F...
You should rephrase that Warning to read...
"Inviting all the tight-assed puritan easily offended politically correct holier-holier-than-thou self-righteous motha' fuckers to read this and every offensive joke posted here, till you die of apoplexy and cannot be offended thereafter...
You have the obligation to remain silent and anything you don't like will be held against you.. especially crab infested cracks and nut-sacs oozing with pus like your stinking criticisms.
and... I hope the warning itself has caused some of your apoplectic veins to implode "

Whaddya say DG" should we prefix our sick, racial-gender-sexual-etc-etc biased jokes with this warning?

 

[Crudebug]

Definitions of Philosophical Terms


Discourse:
Talky talky.

Hermeneutics:
What I mean.

Logic:
Why I'm right.

Apologetics:
Why you're wrong.

Fallacy:
Why you don't even know you're wrong.

Epistemology:
How I know I'm right and you're wrong.

Existential:
Don't feel bad: everyone is wrong.

Post-modern:
Who cares if I'm right or wrong.

Systemic:
Your wrongness goes deep.

Neo-:
You're as wrong as those old guys.

Crypto-:
I'm the only one who knows your wrongness.

Paradoxical:
It only looks like I'm wrong.

Hyper-:
You'd be right if you could learn to state things paradoxically.

Grand meta-narrative:
He thinks he's right about everything.

Paleo-:
You're as wrong as that new-fangled stuff.

Phenomenal:
I only seem wrong.

Transcendental:
If anyone's right, I must be.

False consciousness:
Deep down you know I'm right.

Subjugated/subaltern:
They're right, but everyone says they're wrong.

Bourgeois:
They pay good money to be right.

Proletariat:
We're wrong now, but wait for the revolution!

Deconstruction:
w/ri(gh)t(e)

Deconstruction:
If I grind you up I can show that even your molecules are wrong.

Platonism:
I know the very Form of rightness.

Thomism:
It would appear that you are right.

Categorical imperative:
If you're right, let's make it a universal law.

Problematize:
I'll show you how wrong you really are.

Cartesianism:
cogito ergo rectitudo.

Ontological argument:
I am so right that none greater can be conceived.

Epiphenomenon:
This sentence is neither right nor wrong, as it is the product of a chemical reaction.

Post-:
Now we're finally right.

Eclectic:
You are wrong in a lot of different ways.

Synthesis:
You are so wrong that you are right.

Exegesis (cf. hermeneutics):
I know what it means and I can discourse all day about it.

Presuppositional:
I'm right and I won't even discuss it with you.

-istic:
You started with something good and made it really stupid.

Dialectic:
I'm right, but then again, I may be wrong.

Weltanschauung:
How you see the world when your brain has been made into mush by German philosophy.

Bayesian:
I'll give you even money that I'm right.

Teleological:
You've got everything backwards.

A Priori:
We'll just assume that I am right.

A Posteriori:
Having seen who won, I can assure you I was on that side all the time.

 

[DG Hear]

W T F...
You should rephrase that Warning to read...
"Inviting all the tight-assed puritan easily offended politically correct holier-holier-than-thou self-righteous motha' fuckers to read this and every offensive joke posted here, till you die of apoplexy and cannot be offended thereafter...
You have the obligation to remain silent and anything you don't like will be held against you.. especially crab infested cracks and nut-sacs oozing with pus like your stinking criticisms.
and... I hope the warning itself has caused some of your apoplectic veins to implode "

Whaddya say DG" should we prefix our sick, racial-gender-sexual-etc-etc biased jokes with this warning?

That was funny!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Happy Thanksgiving

Just think..........


If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey


instead of a turkey, we would all be having

a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....

 

[silvastormcloud]

Just a note to drop my support behind you DG. keep up the great thread

 

[DG Hear]

Just a note to drop my support behind you DG. keep up the great thread

Thank you! Much appreciated, Please feel free to post here also.
DG

 

[Boxlicker101]

W T F...
You should rephrase that Warning to read...
"Inviting all the tight-assed puritan easily offended politically correct holier-holier-than-thou self-righteous motha' fuckers to read this and every offensive joke posted here, till you die of apoplexy and cannot be offended thereafter...
You have the obligation to remain silent and anything you don't like will be held against you.. especially crab infested cracks and nut-sacs oozing with pus like your stinking criticisms.
and... I hope the warning itself has caused some of your apoplectic veins to implode "

Whaddya say DG" should we prefix our sick, racial-gender-sexual-etc-etc biased jokes with this warning?

If people are going to get upset about strong language, what the fuck are they doing on this site?

 

[phoenixangel]

my niece told me a really cute joke. it might not fit in but i'm telling it anyways!
lol


Q. why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. to get to the other slide!


keep the thread going DG it's the best thread!

 

[wonderingwhy]

These are a bunch of actual headlines that appeared at one time or another and then compiled into a book titled Anguished English.

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Defendant's speech ends in long sentence
* Doctor testifies in horse suit
* Complaints about NBA referees growing ugly
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* Police discover crack in Australia
* Tuna biting off Washington coast
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Men recommend more clubs for wives
* Two convicts evade noose; jury hung
* Chinese apeman dated
* Man held over giant LA brush fire
* Hershey bars protest
* Traffic dead rise slowly
* William Kelly, 87, was fed secretary
* US Food Service feeds 1000's, grosses millions
* Scientists to have Ford's ear
* South Florida illegal aliens cut in half by new law
* Drunk gets nine months in violin case
* Judge acts to reopen theater
* Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
* Thugs eat then rob proprietor
* Robber holds up Albert's Hosiery
* Genetic engineering splits scientists
* Iraqi head seeks arms
* New autos to hit five million
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Connie tied, nude policeman testifies
* Stud tires out
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* City may impose mandatory time for prostitution
* Mrs. Rydell's bust unveiled at nearby school
* Jail guard probe in prison sex
* Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
* Planned parenthood looking for volunteers
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Mrs. Corson's seat up fro grabs
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Cause of AIDS found - Scientists
* Illiterate? Write today for free help
* Eye drops off shelf
* Dealers will hear car talk Friday noon
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Lawyers give poor free legal advice
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Stolen painting found by tree
* Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
* Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
* Half of US high schools require some study for graduation
* If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

 

[DG Hear]

my niece told me a really cute joke. it might not fit in but i'm telling it anyways!
lol


Q. why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. to get to the other slide!


keep the thread going DG it's the best thread!

phoenixangel; This humor thread is for all who want to post here. Thanks for being a part of it.
DG

These are a bunch of actual headlines that appeared at one time or another and then compiled into a book titled Anguished English.

Thank you wonderingwhy; made me smile! I like to smile.
DG

 

[Crudebug]

Happy Thanksgiving

Just think..........


If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey


instead of a turkey, we would all be having

a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....

lol.. If they had landed in China they would have carved up some cats and we could have had a good excuse to eat pussy

 

[Crudebug]

If people are going to get upset about strong language, what the fuck are they doing on this site?

makes u wonder, doesn't it...??? lol...
and they keep coming back for more.. some kinda masochistic compulsion, I guess

 

[Crudebug]

my niece told me a really cute joke. it might not fit in but i'm telling it anyways!
lol


Q. why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. to get to the other slide!


keep the thread going DG it's the best thread!

Hi cutie.. wanna play on my slide?.., ya sexy lil chick..

 

[Crudebug]

These are a bunch of actual headlines that appeared at one time or another and then compiled into a book titled Anguished English.
>>>>

Loved them all.. thanks for sharing

 

[MoeDick]

MEN!!!

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


















I didn't see this one coming











So, they buried Susie..

 

[DG Hear]

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!​

 

[DG Hear]

It was fun being a baby boomer - until now.

Just received this from a fellow poster.
DG

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits.

They include;
Hermans Hermits - Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack - First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon - 50 ways to lose your liver.

The Commodores - Once, twice, three times to the bathroom.
Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the hearing aid.
Procol Harem - A whiter shade of hair
Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping.

The Temptations - Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba - Denture Queen
Helen Reddy - I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore - It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to.
And my favourite...
Willy Nelson - On the commode again.

DANCE while you still can.