Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Fugleeeeeeeeee

* It's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Alright.
Problem is ... so is ugliness.

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she went camping, the bears built a fire to keep her away

* At least you know ugly people aren't two-faced
If they were, surely they'd use their other face

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
At her "coming out party", they made her go back in

* It's said that beauty is only skin deep. Alright.
Does that mean if we skin ugly people they'd look better ?

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she goes into a bank, they turn off the surveillance camera

* It's said that the beauty of a woman fades with time. Alright.
Then, what the hell happens to an ugly woman ?

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she sat for her portrait, the artist keep breaking his brush

* There are no ugly children in Columbia Maryland
The cats bury them all in their sandboxes

* I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she went to the Ladies Room, the attendant asked for ID

 

[Crudebug]

You're Grounded

Which American Airline likes to be grounded?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
DELTA
.
.
Why?
because it...
>
>
>
>
>
.Doesn't Even Leave The Airport

 

[Crudebug]

Pandemic In The Computer World

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #1: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin or error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1: The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

NEW YORK JETS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

O.J. VIRUS: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

PETA VIRUS: Turns all your files loose on the network.

SPOTTED OWL VIRUS: Effectively eliminates several hundred batch-files that are important only to a small region of the network.

KKK VIRUS: Turns your color monitor to white (just white).

ROBIN WILLIAMS VIRUS: So effective, other virii refuse to follow it.

WILLIAM SHATNER VIRUS: Will not become effective unless it can direct. Even then, it's not effective, but writes volumes of trash to your hard drive.

 

[Crudebug]

Church Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

 

[Crudebug]

Delta

LMAO... Talk of timely Arrival...
I barely posted one on DELTA, and I just got this list in the mail, including the one I had posted earlier..

Damaged Engines Limit Take-off Ability
Departures Extra-Late, Tardy Arrivals
Directed Everybody's Luggage To Atlanta
Doesn't Even Leave The Airport
Doesn't Ever Let Terrorists Aboard
Doesn't Experience Like This Andrenalize?
Don't Even Let Them Aboard
Drunken Engineers Land Too Abruptly

 

[Handley_Page]

This Ad. Was Posted (???) in the New York Times Personals
Note: Wishful thinking perhaps ?


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

 

[DG Hear]

If you had any (Common Sense) this wouldn't be funny......
Good luck twit...................

See A/H humor readers, We allow anyone to post here. Sorry you have to take the time to pass his bullshit to get to the humor. I guess it's a 'He', with a name like dragonlips it conjures up quite a few pictures, none pretty.
DG

Hey, Crude, you posted some really cool stuff.
Thank you

 

[DG Hear]

This really Works!!

WHO IS YOUR REAL FRIEND?​

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, JUST TRY THIS EXPERIMENT.

Put your dog and your spouse in the truck of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is happy to see you?

 

[DG Hear]

Life in pain

A psychiatrist walks up to a man who is limping and making noises of pain.

He asks," Umm, excuse me but,whats the matter?"

The man stares at him and says," I feel so damn awful that , I can't work anymore."

The psyche says," Don't worry you will overcome your pain and be back on your feet sooner or later."

The man curiously asks," When?"

"Whenever you feel up to it, just tell your self, 'When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade'.

Then man coughs, and says", What do I do if life threw me a watermelon right into the ballsack"?

 

[DG Hear]

10 Things Not to Say to a Guy Watching Football

A girl who appreciates the ramifications of a fourth-and-long Hail Mary on Super Bowl Sunday is an amazing find, like a head coach who doesn't wear pleated khakis. So when a girl's as excited for pigskin season as we are, we're looking forward to sharing boneless wings and broken remotes.

But if you're just along for the snacks, we can appreciate that too -- just be sure you don't rack up penalty yards by making one of the following calls, guaranteed to send you to the bench.

10. "I only watch them when they're winning."
Nothing grinds the gears of a diehard fan more than a fair-weather game watcher. Sure, it's more fun when they're dominating the division, but showing love for your team when they're down in the dirt is the same thing as showing love for your man when he's not at his best. That sort of unconditional support goes a long way.

9. "Football is so confusing!"
Not sure about a rule, term or ref's call? Ask us! Any conversation that places us in the role of expert is a touchdown, so don't be afraid to inquire. (But only if you're going to listen and not ask again. Plus, the basics aren't that hard to grasp.)

8. "Come on, don't paint your face. It's so lame."
Ironic, isn't it? You prefer that we abstain from makeup, yet won't let us see you without it?

7. "This is barbaric."
No more barbaric than a Prada BOGO sale on Black Friday. At least with football you can eat nachos.

6. "Brett Favre seems nice."
His performance in "There's Something About Mary" notwithstanding, general guy DNA coding has mutated in the past two years to regard him as a selfish, attention-seeking, legacy-stomping, fan-abandoning douchewhistle. In 2007, Favre "retired" as a hero in Green Bay, Wis., then signed with the New York Jets for one season, "retired" again, then returned for one more season as the QB for the Packers' longtime archrivals, the Minnesota Vikings. And that's why we'll never buy Rayovac batteries, Wrangler jeans or Prilosec again.

5. "Why do you play fantasy football?"
Because, for some reason, the NFL refuses to acknowledge our 40 time of 15.5 seconds as impressive.

4. "I don't care who wins."
Then why are you watching the game? Even if you're rooting against our team, having an opinion is part of the fun!

3. "I want one of those pink jerseys."
Girls in football jerseys are hot; they show that sexy tomboyish side, demonstrate loyalty, and are ready to have a good time. Girls in pink football jerseys, however, would rather look cute than enjoy the game. Choose the former team.

2. "You're obsessed!"
Don't think of it as an obsession; think of it as a display of unbridled passion. Sexy, right?

1. "It's just a game!"
This statement is the single-most offensive assertion you can make to a fan because, quite simply -- and this goes for baseball, basketball, hockey, and the like -- no, it's not.

 

[Crudebug]

See A/H humor readers, We allow anyone to post here. Sorry you have to take the time to pass his bullshit to get to the humor. I guess it's a 'He', with a name like dragonlips it conjures up quite a few pictures, none pretty.
DG

Hey, Crude, you posted some really cool stuff.
Thank you

lmao.... not a prob,. my pleasure... both in posting and plugging up a leaky anal aperture...
For a moment I thot his verbal diarrhea would turn chronic and we'd have to put up with his stinking dysentery.. luckily he appears to have constipated pretty quick.. phewwwwww.
I was about to order a truck load of deodorizers..

You just post whatever words fit the joke right..
the turds who can't tolerate will get flushed away after floating around for a while...

 

[DG Hear]

The Economy Is So Bad

The Economy, How Bad Is It?


The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them...

The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal... Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

 

[Crudebug]

People are like Potatoes

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do.
They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things.
They're called "Comment Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin. They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing.
We call them "Hezzie Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like someone else. They're called "Emma Tators."
Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators."
Then there are pricks who turn into tyrants. They are "Dick Tators."

 

[Crudebug]

An 80-year-old guy marries a 20 year old beauty.
She, of course, is thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way.
She may even speed along the time that this inheritance arrives by giving the old guy a very active sex life.
So, imagine her distress when, on the third day of their honeymoon, she finds her new husband in bed with a 45 year old lady.
The young woman finally blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?"
Her spouse replies, "Lots of patience."

 

[Crudebug]

What Men really mean - # 1

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
="Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
= "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
= "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
= "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
="Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
= Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
= "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
= "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
= "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

 

[Crudebug]

What Men really mean - # 2

"It would take too long to explain."
= "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
= "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
= "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
= "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
= "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
= "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
= "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
= "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
= "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
= "You want me to stay awake."

 

[Crudebug]

What Men really mean - # 3

"It's a really good movie."
= "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
= "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
= "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
= "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
= "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." *g*

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
= "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
= "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
= "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
= "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
= "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

[Crudebug]

What Men really mean - # 4

"I can't find it."
= "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
= "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
= "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
= "She refused to make my coffee."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
= "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
= "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
= "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
= "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse with anyone else."

"You look terrific."
= "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
= "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

 

[Crudebug]

What Men really mean - # 5

"I missed you."
= "Our time apart wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
= "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
= "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
= "I like you more than my new car."

"I recycle."
= "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
= "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
= "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
= "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
= "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
= "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
= "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
= "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

 

[TE999]

Random Thoughts to Ponder

1. I think part of being a friend should be to immediately clear a friend's computer history if they die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment in an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was a kid.

4. There is a truly great need for a sarcasm font...and a smiley.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive writing really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes that moment at work when you know you're not going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all agree to ignore what comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to rebuild my collection again.

13.I'm always terrified when I exit from MSWord and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my twenty page research paper that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

14. 'Do not machine wash or tumble dry' means I will never wash this...ever.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer, drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house looking good and feeling confident and not see anyone of importance all day. What a waste.

17. I keep some peoples phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My four year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?

19. I think the freezer needs a light like the fridge.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Budweiser than Kay.

 

[DG Hear]

Don't say this to a cop, Top 20

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 

[JackLuis]

Government Largess?

NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, *

*PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT*



Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR
16 July 2009



Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too.. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill

 

[Handley_Page]

This lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane. She knew
she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the
clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"

Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

 

[DG Hear]

Pregnant with my child

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but makes me laugh!
DG

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"