Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Bobbitt Family Update


In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella
Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate a s Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable
condition, and Louella has been charged with ....
?


?






?






?



A Misdewiener!


You know damn well you're going to send this on to somebody

 

[redpaint]

I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else.

I know what you are probably thinking.

This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out.....
Please don't think that I am gossiping.
Anyway guess who is due in two 'n half months????????????
scroll down.,...





















































Santa Claus
Gotcha!!!

Now get on with your work!!!

 

[redpaint]

It was the first day of a new school year.

Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you late?" the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat."

She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied.

Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer.

As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in.

"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill aslo"

"NO.... I am Blueberry Hill" replied the girl.

 

[redpaint]

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sle eping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

?The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. O nce a gain, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?'


Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing i n me one more time , I'll break it in
half!'

The nun fainted

 

[TE999]

A man walks into the post office one afternoon and sees a middle-aged, paunchy, balding man at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on a pile of bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He finishes applying the stamps, then takes a perfume bottle and sprays each envelope. He's curious, so he approaches the man and asks what he's doing.

"I'm sending a 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who'.

"Why are you doing that?"

"I'm a divorce lawyer and business is slow."

 

[TE999]

A farmer had three young and beautuful daughters that were going on dates.

A young man came to the door and said; "Hi my name is Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty, were going to eat spaghetti, Is she ready?"

"No, wait in the parlor."

A second young man appears and says; "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, were going to the picture show, is she ready to go?"

"No, wait in the parlor."

A third young man shows up and says; "Hi, my name is Chuck..."

The farmer shoots him.

 

[kimbalee]

I don't recall this being posted before, so here it is:


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four
objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he
picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this
month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's
gonna be a politician!"

 

[DG Hear]

This one was just e-mailed to me.
DG

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.

It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

I'm outta here.

 

[kromen]

Three sales execs from a nearby convention were travelling the back roads when a terrible storm broke out. The winds knocked down a couple of large trees, blocking the roads. The salesmen had no choice but to turn into a large driveway where a decrepit farmhouse stood.

They ran from the car to the door and banged on it. An large man answered the door dressed in coveralls.

"How can I help you?"

"We got blocked in and have nowhere else to go."

The farmer scratched his head and replied, "Well, the roads wont be cleared until tomorrow, you can stay in the barn till then."

As they turned to go, the farmer called out. "Hey, my daughter is in that barn and she better not be messed with."

The salemen looked at each other and ran to the barn where they found a beautiful girl, half naked, and laying on the haystacks. Without a word, they took turns having their way with the farmers daughters till the sun came up.

The farmer entered the bar the next to find his daughter drenched in seed and passed out from the late night orgy.

He pulls out a shotgun and screams, "I told you not to mess with my kin, now you're gonna pay."
He lines up the salesmen and one by one interrogates them.

He asks the first one,"What do you do for a living?"
The man replied,"I work in the sales department for a lumber company."

The farmer walks over to the wall and grabs an axe and promptly cuts off the man's dick. Then he approaches the second guy and asks,"What do you do?"

The second guy shakes in his shoes and squeaks out,"I'm a sales rep for a national chain of butcher shops" The farmer grabs a cleaver off the wall and gets to work.

The farmer approaches the third guy who is laughing.

"What's so funny?" the farmer roared. "Didn't you see what I did to your buddies?"

"Yeah," the third man replied. "But I work for a lollipop factory."

 

[DG Hear]

The modern version

DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?

Cyrus says: “Daddy, how was I born?”

Dad says: “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.”

”As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop- Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!”

 

[DG Hear]

Counselling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young
man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try
counseling.

They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was
their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the
counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What
seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.
On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all
the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a
week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, " Ok, I can bring her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

[redpaint]

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

 

[redpaint]

MONEY MATTERS

It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States
than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake
three voyages to and from the New World.

One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than
$200 a year.

Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year.

ANIMAL FACTS

According to tests made at the Institute for the Study
of Animal Problems in Washington, D.C., dogs and cats,
like people, are either right-handed or left-handed
--- that is, they favor either their right or left paws.

A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can.

Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as
long as 3 Greyhound buses.

Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land.
Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you
ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line.
You'll lose him or her every time.

Birds do not sleep in their nests. They may occasionally
nap in them, but they actually sleep in other places.

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue
whale.

INSECT NEWS

Butterflies taste with their hind feet.

Only female mosquitoes bite.

Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as
much as to any other color.

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion,
it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock
their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at
right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall
asleep.

Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to
yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks
of the day.

Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top
of a bee's head and 2 larger ones in front.

The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several
degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done
this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second
period, and add 37 to the total. The result will be
very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This
formula, however, only works in warm weather. (Try it!)

FOOD FUN

In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two
hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.

Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars.
It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico,
in the 1920's.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the
glass to the top.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories
to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to
begin with.

 

[redpaint]

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewellery in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

 

[redpaint]

Important Women's Health Issue:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with

Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

Erotic lustfulness

Loss of motor control

Loss of clothing

Loss of money

Loss of virginity

Table dancing

Headache

Dehydration

Dry mouth

And a desire to sing Karaoke

 

[redpaint]

Amy G The Amazing Kazoo Player R

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSsY5pejO2I

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're s orry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' T o which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

 

[Belegon]

I feel all right putting this here, since while political it takes no sides...

from this dudes LiveJournal: http://somehedgehog.livejournal.com/245807.html?page=1&view=1747503

Adventuring Party Politics: The Campaign is Getting Ugly


GM: OK, the bugbear attacks you. What do you do?

OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.

MCCAIN: OK, seriously. Why does he have so many henchmen? I'm a level 72 ranger and he's only a level 8 paladin.

OBAMA: Well, if you'd bought the Grassroots Organizing and Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that you...

MCCAIN: Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed to be a high level party.

OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty "Matterhorn, son of Marathon" shtick you keep doing. Dude, could you be any less original?

MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new kid.

OBAMA: "My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype. I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one."

MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.

OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

MCCAIN: Whatever, so's your mom.

OBAMA: So's your FACE.

MCCAIN: So's your Mom's face!

HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?

MCCAIN: Hilary, we've been over this.

HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can't even use a sword. Fuck this noise.

KUCINICH: IM A BARD

OBAMA: That's nice.

KUCINICH: MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD

MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

HILARY: C'mon you guys, I've been playing this shit since Gygax was in eighth grade. Why can't I be the party leader with the magic sword for once?

MCCAIN: Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.

OBAMA: Oh dude, BURRRRRNNNN.

HILARY: SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.

MCCAIN: Yeah? Bring it! I didn't spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.

HILARY: WHATEVER, you can't even lift your arms over your head.

RON PAUL: I brought my Planescape character!

OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.

RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil! I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!

MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.

RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and abortions and weed for everyone! WHEEE!

PALIN: Hi folks! Sorry I'm late! I brought caribou burgers.

HILARY: Who the HELL is this?

MCCAIN: It's cool, she's with me.

HILARY: No! No, it's not cool! Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!

MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.

BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.

MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.

GM: You guys, seriously, if you don't knock it off with the bickering I'm going to start docking XP.

MCCAIN: You know what? Fuck it. I'm suspending the campaign.

GM: You can't do that! Only I can suspend the campaign! I didn't suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I'm not going to suspend it now.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP

MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don't even count.

KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS

BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?

RON PAUL: Wait. What happen to tiny Mormon Man?

GM: You find Mitt's lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the broom closet.

HILARY: Oh, God DAMMIT.

MCAIN: Not ok! NOT OK!

OBAMA: What, I didn't even get a detect evil roll for that one?

HILARY: I TOLD you she was a succubus, but did anyone listen? Oohhhhh no, Hilary's just jealous of the beauty queen.

RON PAUL: Pretty Lady screw Mitt lifeless. Ronpaul SMASH!!

MCCAIN: Would you please go light up a spliff and stay out of this? The grown ups are talking.

RON PAUL: Why pretty lady suck life out of Mitt and not Ronpaul? Not fair!

HILARY: I mean, never mind that I'm the one with 17 Wisdom, but does anyone listen to the girl? Noooooo.

RON PAUL: Also Mitt have stupid name. Who name kid after baseball equipment?

KUCINICH: HAY YOU GUYS CHECK OUT MY HEAD OF VECNA TRICK

HILARY: This never would have happened when Tim Russert was our GM.

GM: You know what? Forget it. Rocks fall, everyone dies.

OBAMA: Screw you guys. I'm going to go play Bunnies and Burrows at Jon Stewart's house.

HILARY: Me too.

MCCAIN: Me too.

KUCINICH: GAZEBO!

*********************************

 

[rgraham666]

Snerk. Good one, Bel.

 

[DG Hear]

Wanna Lose Weight?

CALORIES COUNT :-

It has been known since long that sex is a good exercise.
Now here is the result of a research.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES
With her consent...............................12 Calories
Without her consent............................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA
With both hands................................8 Calories
With one hand..................................12 Calories
With your teeth................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM
With an erection..............................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris....................8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.....................4092 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary.....................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................................78 Calories
69 standing up.................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style....................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier.............................2912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real...........................................112 Calories
Fake...........................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging...........................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years...................................36 Calories
30-39 years...................................80 Calories
40-49 years...................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7916 Calories
70 and over....................................Results are still
pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly.........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.....................................98 Calories
When her father knocked at the door..........9218 Calories
When your wife knocked at the door...........33,521 Calories

 

[DG Hear]

In The Beginning

SORRY, THIS MADE ME THINK OF OBAMA

In the Begining was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
and the Plan was completely without substance

and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of Crap, and it stinketh to high heaven."
And the the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very stong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and syeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
and the Directors spoke amoungst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very stong."

And the directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto them,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and these Areas in Particular."

And President looked upon The Plan, and saw that it was good, The Plan became Company Policy.
This Is How Shit Happens

 

[DG Hear]

The Happiness Fairy

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//23848-Goodmorningfairy.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

I'm Just Getting Too Old.

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now a waterspout.

Time was when, on its own accord from my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve a full time job to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave.
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches it sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang it’s little head and watch me tie my shoes!

 

[DesertPirate]

(ring - ring - ring)



'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

¡I¢m calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

¡Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'


'Yeah!'

¡Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

¡Happy Birthday, buddy!'



(Rednecks know how to Git 'r dun)

 

[redpaint]

Forest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed ...


Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates.



These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.



Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.



Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first Forest."