Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

An Old Joke But Still Funny

This Is A Story About A Couple Who Had Been Happily Married For Years.

The Only Friction In Their Marriage Was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly Every Morning When He Awoke. The Noise Would Wake His Wife And The Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And Make Her Gasp For Air.

Every Morning She Would Plead With Him To Stop Ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her Sick. He Told Her He Couldn't Stop It And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She Told Him To See A Doctor, She Was Concerned That One Day He Would Blow His Guts Out.

The Years Went By And He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One
Thanksgiving Morning As She Was Preparing The Turkey For Dinner
And He Was Upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The Innards And
Neck, Gizzard, Liver And All The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought Came To Her.

She Took The Bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband Was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling The Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The Elastic Waistband Of His Underpants And Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into His Shorts.

Some Time Later She Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual Trumpeting Which Was Followed By A Blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of Frantic Footsteps As He Ran Into The Bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control Herself As She Rolled On The Floor Laughing, Tears In Her Eyes!

After Years Of Torture She Reckoned She Had Got Him Back Pretty Good.

About Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband Came Dowstairs In His Bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of Horror On His Face. She
Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him What Had Happened.

He Said, 'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years You Have Warned Me And I Didn't Listen To You'.

'what Do You Mean?' His Wife Asked.'

'well, You Always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up Farting Myguts Out, And Today It Finally Happened. But By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And Two Fingers, I Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.’ :d:d:d

 

[DG Hear]

Interesting

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,
but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina"

 

[DG Hear]

Koala Bear

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ' What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'=

 

[DG Hear]

Kitty Cat Stutterer

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are the Only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked The girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next Door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" And before he could say ' SHIT ,' the Rottweiler ate him!"

The teacher wet her pants laughing.

(It could Happen)

 

[DG Hear]

No Pun intendid

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal ? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

 

[DG Hear]

The Farmer's Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw:

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less



Now, enough of that crap...

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

THE REAL MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

I LOVE THIS SAYING!

Reality turns me on, but my imagination gets me fuckin' hot

 

[rgraham666]

One Sunday a lawyer finds out his water isn't working. He needs it working and starts phoning around for a plumber. Since it's Sunday he has a lot of trouble finding one, but finally, one plumber agrees to attend to the lawyer's problem.

The plumber pokes around, does something with a wrench and the water starts up again. Fifteen minutes work. He then hands the lawyer a bill for $500.

"What?!" exclaims the lawyer. "Even I can't charge $500 for fifteen minutes work."

"Neither could I when I was a lawyer," the plumber tells him.

 

[DG Hear]

Navajo Wisdom

A woman is driving home to Flagstaff in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking along the side of the interstate. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stopped the car and picked up the Navajo woman.

During their small talk as they neared town, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Hmm, good trade."

 

[redpaint]

545 PEOPLE

By Charlie Reese



Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them. Have you ever wondered why, "If both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?" Have you ever wondered why, "If all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?"



You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.



One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices. 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.



I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.



I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.



Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party. What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No Normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits.



The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it. The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes.



Who is the speaker of the House? Nancy Pelosi. She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it it over his veto if they agree to.



It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people.



When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Army & Marines are in Iraq, it's because they want them in Iraq.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.



There are no insoluble government problems. Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power.



Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.



Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible. They, and they alone, have the power. They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

 

[redpaint]

A Straight Shooter...

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the manslug one down, then the next, then the next,and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "Wow, what do you have pal?" The man quickly replies: "I have a dollar.

 

[redpaint]

A blonde was "dispatched" to Heaven.


On arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we've been forced to devise an entrance exam for new arrivals, to ease the burden on Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of'?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is - which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is - 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is - 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer was indeed correct.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second question?'


St Peter went on, 'How many seconds in a year?'

The blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said,

'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision' and he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, But you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'

..... the blonde entered Heaven .....

 

[redpaint]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Tony"
"Well Miss, I just saw one of your suspenders."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny John?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your suspenders."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the chalk when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Nick leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
_____

 

[redpaint]

Obama & His Thought Police



A Lufkin, Texas woman received a surprise visit from the Secret Service last week because of a “death threat” comment she reportedly made about Sen. Barack Obama to a campaign volunteer asking for her support of the presidential candidate.





Jessica and Micah Hughes say two Secret Service agents showed up on their doorstep Thursday after a campaign volunteer for Sen. Barack Obama accused her of making a 'death threat’ during a phone conversation a day earlier.

Here is the email Jessica sent shortly after
the incident Wednesday Ocotber 1, 2008.

On Wednesday the 1st of October I received a call on my cell while in the car with my husband. It was a woman who identified herself as calling from the Obama Campaign. The phone # she called from was 903-798-6020 which lists as ‘Obama Volunteers of Texarkana’ (Texas).



She asked if I was an Obama supporter to which I replied:



‘No, I don’t support him, your guy is a socialist who voted four times in the State Senate to let little babies die in hospital closets; I think you should find something better to do with your time.’ I hung up.



Thursday, October 2, I answered the front door to find the Secret Service. Immediately I thought of the call and was furious that apparently you are not allowed to call Obama a Socialist without the Secret Service coming to investigate. Instead, they asked me about the following comment, relayed by the Obama Volunteer of Texarkana who called me, unsolicited on my cell phone: ‘I will never support Obama and he will wind up dead on a hospital floor.’







My husband laughed and told them “No, she called him a socialist but she never said a word about him dying.” I gave them my actual quote. The woman asked insolently “Oh? Well why would she make that up?”





I replied that I supposed she wasn’t happy about what I said about her candidate and the Agent said “That’s right, you were rude!” The last time I checked being rude wasn’t a crime in America.





Luckily the big file they had gathered on me didn’t indicate mental instability or a past life of stalking/crime, however they did want to know how I felt about Obama. That was my limit. I told the Agent in no uncertain terms that my thoughts were not pertinent to their investigation, that this was America and the last time I checked I was allowed to think whatever I wanted without being questioned by the Secret Service. In fact, even if I had said what she claimed, that isn’t a threat. I told them (again) and my husband verified that the statement reported by Obama’s volunteer was a lie. I asked them if there was a tape of the call and they said no. I said, ‘So on the word of a ticked off Obama supporter you are on my porch with no other evidence and you want to question me about my THOUGHTS!?’





They informed me that there was no evidence she was an Obama supporter…someone calling from his campaign…are you kidding?





I was not allowed to know the name of my accuser at which point they informed me that it wasn’t like I was in a court of law, YET, as if this was a good thing. I recognized this as a veiled threat. I told them I would happily go to court since I did nothing wrong and at least then my accuser would have to face me rather than sending the thought police to my house.






They then said they were trying to do me a favor, that they came to me first before “embarrassing you by going to all your neighbors and family”, another threat? I told them to be my guest and talk to whomever they wanted but they weren’t going to investigate my thoughts on my porch.





They also informed me that it would be easier if the next time a supporter calls me I just say ‘Yeah sure count me in, or just hang up’ apparently so she won’t get her undies in a bundle and give them more useless trips. Yeah right. I said ‘Look, someone calls me unsolicited on my cell phone to ask me to support their candidate and I can’t tell them why I don’t?’ I said I was sorry they made a wasted trip but if they had a problem with some made up lie they needed to go talk to her about it because it wasn’t my fault they had to drive from Houston for nothing.





At one point I went inside and got a notepad to record their badge numbers and they refused to show me their badges. They had done the quick flip when they arrived. I asked for a card and the female Agent refused to give me one stating “You’re not going to get a card.” The male Agent gave me a card and told me I could contact Houston with any questions.





The fact that the volunteer lied, the fact that the Secret Service came to my house to question me about my thoughts and feelings and threaten to embarrass me to my neighbors and go to court if I didn’t cooperate is not really the tragedy here. Because that girl on the phone doesn’t have the pull to send the Secret Service to my home. Someone high in the ranks of a campaign working for a man who may be the next President of the United States of America felt comfortable bringing the force of the Federal Government to bear on a private citizen on nothing but the word of a partisan volunteer.





I want to file a counter complaint that false charges were made, that a false report was given to a peace officer. The Secret Service told me I cannot because they will protect the identity of the complainant. I also want the file they have on me destroyed and I want to know that my phone isn’t tapped, etcetera. I am hearing a lot of “Out of my Jurisdiction”.




Do I also hear jackboots?



Jessica



Note: I have contacted several news organizations, Rep Gohmert, Sen Hutchison, the Atty General, Local Police. Will keep you updated, pass it along.





So TexarkanaBaby says "Please watch what you say to campaign volunteers and remember to take a note from the Democratic Playbook on election day and ...

Vote Early,

Vote Often!

"-)

 

[redpaint]

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America .......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ....


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for Lethal INJECTIONS?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

[redpaint]

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still .

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[DG Hear]

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster.........


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/Drinking.jpg

I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking?

 

[DG Hear]

Who wants to be a millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

 

[JackLuis]

Redpaint;
Thanks for putting this on line it isn't funny but it needs to be sent to every member of Congress with the message, I vote for no incumbent until the economy is fixed, taxes are equitable and the budget is balanced.

 

[redpaint]

Redpaint;
Thanks for putting this on line it isn't funny but it needs to be sent to every member of Congress with the message, I vote for no incumbent until the economy is fixed, taxes are equitable and the budget is balanced.

Thats the way I plan to vote and have for the past few years. if only morer people would join in then . maybe they would get the message.

 

[DG Hear]

Acts Of God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.

 

[kimbalee]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.

hahah! got to love the little old ladies, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

Solve The Problem

Calling all math's genius to try this... and prove the logic...

The Mom is 21 years older than the child is.
In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child will.

Question: Where's the father?

It is not a trick question. It has a valid answer.

ANSWER BELOW, TRY TO SOLVE IT FIRST
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

IF YOU SAID;
The father is lying next to the mother after making the baby. LOL

 

[DG Hear]

hahah! got to love the little old ladies, DG.

GOOD MORNING LOVE: GOT TO LOVE THE YOUNG ONES TOO. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
DG

 

[kimbalee]

GOOD MORNING LOVE: GOT TO LOVE THE YOUNG ONES TOO. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
DG

such a sweetie.

 

[DG Hear]

The Joys Of Marriage

You have to click on the links

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22809-joys_of_marriage01.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22810-joys_of_marriage02.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22811-joys_of_marriage03.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22812-joys_of_marriage04.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22813-joys_of_marriage05.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22814-joys_of_marriage06.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22815-joys_of_marriage07.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22817-joys_of_marriage08.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22818-joys_of_marriage09.jpg

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//22819-joys_of_marriage10.jpg

:caning: Bad DG :caning: