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The Amazing Scotsman'​




A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket
and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his
kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three
mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing
Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still
doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd
went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after
the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
 
The Obamessiah and his magic! (By KIMBERLEY A. STRASSEL)
And now, America, we introduce the Great Obama! The world's most gifted political magician! A thing of wonder. A thing of awe. Just watch him defy politics, economics, even gravity! (And hold your applause until the end, please.)

To kick off our show tonight, Mr. Obama will give 95% of American working families a tax cut, even though 40% of Americans today don't pay income taxes! How can our star enact such mathemagic? How can he "cut" zero? Abracadabra! It's called a "refundable tax credit." It involves the federal government taking money from those who do pay taxes, and writing checks to those who don't. Yes, yes, in the real world this is known as "welfare," but please try not to ruin the show.
For his next trick, the Great Obama will jumpstart the economy, and he'll do it by raising taxes on the very businesses that are today adrift in a financial tsunami! That will include all those among the top 1% of taxpayers who are in fact small-business owners, and the nation's biggest employers who currently pay some of the highest corporate tax rates in the developed world. Mr. Obama will, with a flick of his fingers, show them how to create more jobs with less money. It's simple, really. He has a wand.


Next up, Mr. Obama will re-regulate the economy, with no ill effects whatsoever! You may have heard that for the past 40 years most politicians believed deregulation was good for the U.S. economy. You might have even heard that much of today's financial mess tracks to loose money policy, or Fannie and Freddie excesses. Our magician will show the fault was instead with our failure to clamp down on innovation and risk-taking, and will fix this with new, all-encompassing rules. Presto!


Did someone in the audience just shout "Sarbanes Oxley?" Usher, can you remove that man? Thank you. Mr. Obama will now demonstrate how he gives Americans the "choice" of a "voluntary" government health plan, designed in such a way as to crowd out the private market and eliminate all other choice! Don't worry people: You won't have to join, until you do. Mr. Obama will follow this with a demonstration of how his plan will differ from our failing Medicare program. Oops, sorry, folks. The Great Obama just reminded me it is time for an intermission. Maybe we'll get to that marvel later.


We're back now. And just watch the Great Obama perform a feat never yet managed in all history. He will create that enormous new government health program, spend billions to transform our energy economy, provide financial assistance to former Soviet satellites, invest in infrastructure, increase education spending, provide job training assistance, and give 95% of Americans a tax (ahem) cut -- all without raising the deficit a single penny! And he'll do it in the middle of a financial crisis. And with falling tax revenues! Voila!


Moving along to a little ventriloquism. Study his mouth carefully, folks: It looks like he's saying "I'll stop the special interests," when in fact the words coming out are "Welcome to Washington, friends!" Wind and solar companies, ethanol makers, tort lawyers, unions, community organizers -- all are welcome to feed at the public trough and to request special favors. From now on "special interests" will only refer to universally despised, if utterly crucial, economic players. Say, oil companies. Hocus Pocus!

And for tonight's finale, the Great Obama will uphold America's "moral" obligation to "stop genocide" by abandoning Iraq! While teleported to the region, he will simultaneously convince Iranian leaders to peacefully abandon their nuclear pursuits (even as he does not sit down with them), fix Afghanistan with a strategy that does not resemble the Iraqi surge, and (drumroll!) pull Osama bin Laden out of his hat!
Tada!

You can clap now. (Applause. Cheers.) We'd like to thank a few people in the audience. Namely, Republican presidential nominee John McCain, who has so admirably restrained himself from running up on stage to debunk any of these illusions and spoil everyone's fun.We know he's in a bit of a box, having initially blamed today's financial crisis on corporate "greed," and thus made it that much harder to call for a corporate tax cut, or warn against excessive regulation. Still, there were some pretty big openings up here this evening, and he let them alone! We'd also like to thank Mr. McCain for keeping all the focus on himself these past weeks. It has helped the Great Obama to just get on with the show.As for that show, we'd love to invite you all back for next week's performance, when the Great Obama will thrill with new, amazing exploits. He will respect your Second Amendment rights even as he regulates firearms! He will renegotiate Nafta, even as he supports free trade!
 
Nine words women use.



(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').



8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!



(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-
busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced
and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made
the jiggle even that more apparent.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably
- especially the men. The very proper church ladies were
appalled. They said something had to be done about this or
they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her
breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her
to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they
are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you
won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the
pulpit and said, 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol
we will not hath a Thermon tewday.'
 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.




He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.




A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?





He answers, ' You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.



So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
 
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.



The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
 
One For The Ladies

This picture is worth the e-mail even if you don't take the time to read the story below.

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/Paul.jpg
Paul Newman​

Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this... True story.

(If you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it!)

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store:
Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.

Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight..

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."

Thank you for the great movies Paul, Good bye and God Bless.
DG :rose:
 
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy! goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Damn, the kid got it right! :eek:
 
A little boy became separated from his grandfather in a busy shopping mall.

He approached a security guard and asked, "Can you help me find my Grandpa?"

"Sure son," the guard replied, "What's he like?"

The boy thought for a moment and said "Seagram's Crown Royal and girls with big tits."
 
Bubba calls his pal Zeb, who's a lawyer.

"Zeb, are it true folks is suin' them cigarette companies cuz they done got cancer from smokin'?"

"Yep, sure nuf' is true, Bubba."

"Is folks suin' them fast food places cuz they done got fat and their arteries been clogged from eatin all them burgers, fries, pizza and chicken nuggets?"

"That's true."

"How 'bout that lady who got burnt by the coffee she bought at McDonald's and sued 'em fer millions?"

"Yep."

"How 'bout that football player suin' thet university cuz he gradiated and still couldn't read or do cipherin'?"

"That's right. Say there Bubba, why you askin' me 'bout all this?"

"Wull, I was a'thinkin. You reckon I could sue Budweiser fur all them ugly women I done slept with?"
 
The Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’’

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, an the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." :)
 
Is the Honeymoon over?

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend, "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!'' :confused:
 
The cost of a woman

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, ‘What is wrong with you?’

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, ‘This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.’

Adam asked God, ‘what will a woman like this cost?”

God said, ‘An arm and a leg’.

To which Adam replied, ‘What can I get for just a rib?’

The rest is history.
:eek:
 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several
> attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had
> always been occupied.
>
> A nurse noticed his predicament.
>
> Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you
> promise not to touch any of the
> buttons on the wall.'
>
> He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
> noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
>
> Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
>
> Who would know if he touched them?
>
> He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was
> sprayed gently upon his bottom.
>
> What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't
> have nice things like this.
>
> Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
> button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently
> drying his underside.
>
> When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
> powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent
> of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The
> ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
> loving pleasure.
>
> When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
> ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
>
> Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
> hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
>
> 'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I
> remember was pushing the ATR button.
>
> 'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
> penis is under your pillow.'
 
The Ant & The Grasshopper (revsied)

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

——————————————-

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool, and laughs, and dances, and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.



CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.



How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so ?



Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper ,and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’



Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing kum-by-ya. and ‘We shall overcome.’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.



Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.



Hillary and Barack go on national television agreeing that the plight of the grasshopper is the fault of George Bush. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.



The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.



Obama gets his old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.



The ant loses the case.



The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in,which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.



The ant has disappeared in the snow.



The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.



MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be very careful how you vote in 2008
 
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well," she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won; so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again; so I bought it
with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.
"How could you afford that car?" her husband asks.
You guessed it.... her share of the lotto winnings!
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she
gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in
the bath to cover the plug.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet..... do we?"
 
Pecans at the cemetery.................................................. On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.' Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.' They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the Kid on the bike.
 
Honesty

A man was shopping in the men's department at a supermarket when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"

"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly... But what I came to buy is a new tie."

:)
 


HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's, used, size
14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:


Bubba,
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, & me went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.Don't mess with the pit bulls - they went after the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

'Cooter'


 
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