Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

An Oldie but still cute.

To SubSarahh, I'm done with posting on the political thread but I did want to say "Peace to you too"
DG


Watch us Have Sex

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. Embassy Suites charges $ 147. We do it here for $50, ....and get $43 back from Medicare.”

 

[glynndah]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'

 

[DG Hear]

Cute one Glynndah, one of my favorite witch's. Always glad to hear from you.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

This is bad, but funny

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One cowboy says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'"

"Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

 

[DG Hear]

Poem, I didn't write it.

I received this from my niece. It's not funny but it sure is beautiful
DG

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME.

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, 'This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.'
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart '

 

[DG Hear]

More poems I didn't write.

Sex Is A Temptation
Caused By A Sensation
When A Man Puts His Dictation
In A Womans Ventilation
Do You Get My Conversation?
Or Do You Need A Demonstration?

Sky Is Blue
Water Is Wet
I'll Make You Come
I'll Make You Sweat
Pressed Against My Body
Movin Up And Down
Slowly But Firmly
We Will Move The Ground

 

[DG Hear]

These nursery rhymes didn't make it...

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
to have a little fun
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread

LITTLE MISS Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumb ass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
all the kings horses and all the kings men
had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock,
The little dog laughed to see such fun
when it died of electric shock

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
who had a little curl!
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good,
she was very very good
but when she was bad
she got a fur coat, jewels and a cad


Mary had a little skirt
With slits right up the sides
All the boys would sit and stare
At Mary's lovely thighs

Mary had another skirt
With a slit right up the front

But she never wore that one.


SEX IS LIKE MATH
YOU SUBTRACT THE CLOTHES
ADD THE BED
DIVIDE THE LEGS
THEN MULTIPLY!!!!!!!

ROSES ARE RED
GRASS IS GREEN
OPEN YOUR LEGS
AND I'LL FILLYOU WITH CREAM

 

[kimbalee]

"SEX IS LIKE MATH
YOU SUBTRACT THE CLOTHES
ADD THE BED
DIVIDE THE LEGS
THEN MULTIPLY!!!!!!!"

Gosh sakes, DG... this one's hitting close to home... I've already made it well known that I like math in my sig... did ya have to go and link the other thing with it??? Now everyone will know! Oh, wait a minute... does everyone here like math? (I'm pretty sure they all like sex...)

 

[Chantilyvamp]

my daughter....

Mama and daddy I have something to tell you...

my fart steam is invisible and can't be seen!

 

[redpaint]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and reaching thru the bars, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.



A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,

"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."



"Why, it was nothing, really,.... the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."



"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the FRONT page!!!

So tell me,.....

What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?

It's that time of year, you know."

"A Harley Davidson,... and I am a Republican."

The journalist jots down some notes and leaves.



The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

'REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!'

 

[redpaint]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.



Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.



If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.



To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "You received a very strange post card today."



"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

 

[redpaint]

hell- One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting With the devil. Satan: 'Why so glum?' Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot Of fun down here. You a drinking man?' Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.' Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness,wine coolers, Tab, and Pepsi. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you Don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because You're dead anyway.' Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!' Satan: 'You a smoker?' Guy: 'You better believe it' Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke Our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're Already dead, remember?' Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!' Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.' Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.' Satan: 'Good, 'cause e Wednesdays you can gamble all You want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you Go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead Anyhow.' Guy: 'Cool!' Satan: ' What about drugs?' Guy: 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't Mean...?' Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke A joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs You want. You're dead so who cares.' Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool Place!' Satan: 'You gay?' Guy: 'No...' Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

 

[redpaint]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska. For some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly. As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.... the other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

 

[SeaCat]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska. For some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly. As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.... the other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

ROTFLMAO

Cat

 

[only_more_so]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[TE999]

Interesting statistics

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 550 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks.

117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 Have been arrested for assault

71 Cannot obtain a credit card due to bad credit histories

14 Have been arrested on drug related charges

8 Have been arrested for shoplifting

21 Are current defendants in lawsuits

84 Were stopped for drunken driving (that's just in 1998!)


Can you guess which organization this is?


Give up?


It's the 535 member United States Congress.

The same group that writes the laws that keep us peons in line.

 

[DG Hear]

Coma patient

I've posted so man, don't know if I or someone else posted this. If so, here it is again.

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband

 

[DG Hear]

Up Or Down

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.’

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown"

 

[DG Hear]

Good, Bad & Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

 

[DG Hear]

Advertisng for Insurance

4 insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan:
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The 2nd one tries to improve on that with:
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the 3rd one comes up with:
"From the sperm to the worm."

The 4th insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with:
"From the erection to the resurrection."

 

[DG Hear]

Mens balls

An Amazing Fact About Men's Balls

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

An Amazing Conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your
balls become.

 

[TE999]

New Golf Terms

Here's some lingo to use when you're out on the course...

A Rock Hudson - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

A Saddam Hussein - out of one bunker and into another

A Yasser Arafat - butt ugly and in the sand

A John Kennedy Jr. - didn't quite make it over the water

An Elephant Ass - high and it stinks

A Rodney King - over clubbed

An O.J. Simpson -got away with one

A Princess Grace - should have used a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have used a driver

A Condom - safe, but didn't feel very good

A Brazilian - shaved the hole

A Rush Limbaugh -too far to the right

A Al Franken - too far to the left

A Pat Buchanan - way too far right

A Nancy Pelosi - way too far left

A Barbara Streisand - ugly, it still works

A James Joyce - a putt that's impossible to read

A Ted Kennedy - goes in the water and jumps out

A Pee Wee Herman - too much wrist

A Sonny Bono - straight into the trees

A Heidi Fleiss - straight into the bushes

A Mickey Mantle - a dead yank

A Paris Hilton - a very expensive hole

A John Edwards - disqualification for not counting all his strokes


See you on the links!

 

[DG Hear]

Everyone has a right to change their mind

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

 

[DG Hear]

What a coincidence!

While the man savored a double martini at the local bar, an attractive
women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice.


The man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."


"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.


"What are you celebrating?" he asked.


"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today
they're finally fertile."


"How did it happen?" she asked.


"I switched cocks."


"What a coincidence," she said

 

[DG Hear]

A scientist was working one day trying to invent a new kind of fuel, made only from vegetables. So far it had been a disaster. The peas had exploded, the sweetcorn had achieved meltdown, and the cauliflower had turned into a number of bright red sticks.

Just then, his wife came in with his morning coffee. She looked at the results of the cauliflower experiment and asked him why he had lipstick in the lab. He explained, and she asked could she try it on her lips.

They decided to give it a go. The first stick crumbled in her hands, as did the second. They handled the third much more gently, and she spread it on her lips. It was fantastic. It added moisture, the colour was superb and it glistened in a very seductive pouty kind of a way. It survive many kisses from the scientist. In short, the best lipstick ever.

There was one tiny problem. Up close, it smelled really bad. Nose-curlingly awful. But they reckoned they could sell it anyway. So they marketed it as....



Super Cauli Fragile Lipstick Expect Halitosis