Humor Thread

[redpaint]

In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."

 

[redpaint]

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

 

[redpaint]

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three.

The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".

When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.

She was startled.

The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, **** bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".

Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.

The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.

The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".

Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.

The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"

"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".

 

[redpaint]

START EACH DAY
WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you:
'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! -
Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

 

[redpaint]

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbour,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed.
The neighbour said: "You bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread."
The young girl looked puzzled: "Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?

 

[redpaint]

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate
music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen."

 

[redpaint]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a
> holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
> life, that is, until the ship sank.
>
> He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
> only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach
> one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
>
> In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She
> replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my
> cruise ship sank.'
>
> 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
> you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
> material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
> branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
> from a Eucalyptus tree.'
>
> 'But, where did you get the tools?'
>
> 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
> island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
> fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I
> used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
>
> The guy is stunned.
>
> 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
> docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
> off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
> painted in blue and white.
>
> While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
> man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
> casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you
> like a drink?'
>
> 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
>
> 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,'
> winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
>
> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
> on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
> announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
> like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
> cabinet.'
>
> No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
> the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
> a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
>
> 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
>
> When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
> positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
> down next to her.
>
> 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been
> out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
> really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She
> stares into his eyes .
>
> He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
>
> 'F**king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

 

[TE999]

Apple announcement

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can record, store and play music. Called it iTiT, it will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, as women are always complaining that men stare at their breasts and are not listening to them.

 

[TE999]

When Bubba and Luther were in the bait and tackle shop, they each bought five tickets for a charity raffle.

The following week each learned they had won a prize.

Bubba won first prize, a years supply of Beany Weenies.

Luther won eighth prize, a toilet brush.

Three weeks later they met again at the bait shop.

"So, how's you like yer prize Bubba?"

"It's great. I don't haveta cook and I love Beany Weenies. How 'bout you?"

"Not so good. I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' toilet paper."

 

[TE999]

Talking clock

A drunk was showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night. He led him to the bedroom where there was a large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's the gong for?" The friend asks.

"That's not a gong," the drunk replies, "It's a talking clock."

"A talking clock, geddadda here."

"I'm serious."

"So how's it work?"

"Watch."

The drunk picks up the mallet and whacks the gong; the sound is deafening.

Someone in the adjacent apartment hollers, "You fuckin' asshole, it's quarter after three in the morning."

"See?' says the drunk proudly.

 

[DG Hear]

Who says Blondes are dumb?

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A blonde driving down the highway pulled over. She asked the man what was wrong.

‘I feel terrible,’ he explained, ‘I accidentally hit this hare and killed it’.

The blonde told the driver not to worry as she has just the thing to revive it. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can walked over to the dead rabbit and sprayed the contents onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved his paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astounded. He ran over to the blonde and demanded, ‘What was in your spray can?’

Triumphantly the blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said, ‘Hair Spray. Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave.’

 

[DG Hear]

Hey! To Red Paint and TE999. Just a big thank you for being big contributers to the Humor thread. I believe you have put smiles on a number of faces.
With respect
DG

 

[DG Hear]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone (not me but I do agree with a lot of them)

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass

 

[TE999]

"Mercy Hospital, good morning."

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient's doing?"

"I'll be glad to help ma'm. What's the patients name and room number?"

"Gladys Finley, Room 305."

"Let me put you on hold and I'll check with her nurse."

"Oh, thank you."

"Ma'm?"

"Yes."

"I have very good news. Her nurse just told me Ms. Finley is progressing quite well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Brooks, has her scheduled for discharge on Thursday."

"My, that is good news. I was beginning to worry. Thank you so much."

"Are you Ms. Finley's daughter?"

"No. this is Gladys Finley in 305. No one tells me shit around here."

 

[TE999]

Question and Answer Time

Q. What's the difference between a crack dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new BMW.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and crying out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A. Men always look for a golf ball.

Q. How do you know New Zelander's practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint an X on sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie but you can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. Both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?
A. The balls are just for decoration.

Q. What's the difference between "Oooohhh" and "Ahhhhhh"?
A. Three inches

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A. 45 pounds.

Q. What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why do men have difficulty making eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmies?
A. Pygmies are a cunning bunch of runts...

 

[redpaint]

1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter 'I' is called a 'tittle'.



4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.



6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.



7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.



9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.



10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small-sized dog

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper'! and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.'

 

[redpaint]

Many of us are over 50, WAY over 50, or almost 50 ½ and are quite confused about how we should dress and present ourselves.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following
combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all times:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate in what counts as 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'Older folks'....................

14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.



Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!!!!

 

[redpaint]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up,
that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps
you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called
a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch'

 

[redpaint]

I'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh at this ....

So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that

famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:

'I have outlived my dick.'

 

[redpaint]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,

'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,'
the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car ...again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:





'Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.'

 

[DG Hear]

Sunday School Lessons

LOT'S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
'My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
Roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
Fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning
How powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher
Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School.

'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
Lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When
He got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
People walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
Of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER?The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.
What does she say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!'

TIME TO PRAYA pastor asked little Billy if he said his prayers every night.

'Yes, sir,' Billy replied.

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.

'No sir,' Billy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,

'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' Said his mother

'I don't have to,' The boy replied.

'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house'

'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

 

[DG Hear]

Hillbilly Gas Station

There was this gas station in "Hillbilly Country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "Hillbilly" customer pulled in, filled up his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The customer guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close, the number was (7), sorry, no free sex this time, but maybe next time."

A week later the same man, along with his buddy, pulled in again for a fill-up. And once he filled tank with gas, he again asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (7) this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

 

[TE999]

Chuck and the Donkey

Chuck is a city boy who's learning how to farm. He buys a donkey from a neighboring farmer for $100.00 and pays up front. The next day the farmer calls and tells Chuck the donkey's dead. Chuck asks for his money back and the farmer says he's spent it already.

Chuck asks the farmer for the dead donkey. The farmer asks why Chuck wants a dead animal and Chuck replies, "You'll see."

Two weeks later, the farmer sees Chuck in town and asks what he did with the dead donkey.

"I raffled it off and didn't say it was dead. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a profit of $998.00. The guy who won complained when I told him it died, so I gave him his $2.00 back."

ps. Chuck now works for the government.

 

[DG Hear]

The way it should be.

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and
meet with President Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside
here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not
President and doesn't reside here.'

The man thanked him and again walked away . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President
Obama.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama
is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your
answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

'See you tomorrow Sir.'

 

[DG Hear]

Butt Dust?

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost? '

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea ? '

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
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The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'