Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

 

[redpaint]

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

 

[DG Hear]

Those were great! hahahahaha Good job Paint and thank you Kimmie!


Train Ticket

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one
of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a
toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after
the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save
some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip
but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket
at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet,
and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet
and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter
than women!!!

 

[redpaint]

A STUDY ON THE AFFECTS OF BEER ON MEN.

Recently, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, required frequent visits to the bathroom, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn`t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

 

[redpaint]

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You`re not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don`t, I`m not going to accept that. It`s late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don`t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don`t care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

 

[redpaint]

A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details.
To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It`s often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."

He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."

The bottle made it`s way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.

Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"

 

[redpaint]

This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.

When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and—bang!—knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden—bang!—the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

Deciding he’s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.

He’s gone for an hour before he returns and—crash!—he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tyre iron—from Target.”

 

[redpaint]

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

 

[redpaint]

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.

5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him...get a good lawyer...keep his/her house
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.

5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him...get a good lawyer...keep his/her house

 

[redpaint]

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

 

[redpaint]

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

 

[DG Hear]

Female comebacks

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like
yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest
dreams.

 

[DG Hear]

Very short story

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/fairytale.jpg

 

[redpaint]

One night, Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his dick.

Immediately, he went to see a doctor.

"I have some good news and some bad news" the doctor said.

"The good news is the red ring is womens lipstick and the bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

 

[redpaint]

A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall. "Why did you do that?" she asked.

"Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we'd need all the room we can get"...

 

[redpaint]

Two guys are stuck in the desert dying of thirst.

As they walk for days and finally see a little hut.

With the last of their strenght they run to the hut and knock on the door.

This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed.

The second man and the women enter the hut, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.

He looks around the hut and sees a table full of corn on the cob.

He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed.

The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water.

The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

 

[redpaint]

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.


3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.


6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.


8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU ARE 100% RED BLOODED MAN!"

 

[redpaint]

The Viking God of Thunder Thor, and his buddy Odin were chillin in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have get laid."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of the night' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him what happened the night before. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had hot crazy sex 38 times.."

"38 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! These mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"

 

[redpaint]

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

 

[DG Hear]

Who says all lawyers are bad?

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'

'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

 

[DG Hear]

Poor Bob

Poor Bob

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby, want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 

[DG Hear]

UPS Pilot humor

I love common sense HUMOR

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget





Laughter is God's sunshine. Take time to laugh for it is the music of the soul.

 

[DG Hear]

Rednecks can be sensitive

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Shit.

 

[redpaint]

Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.

"Thought?" Steve asks.

"What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.

"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "

Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.

"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.

 

[redpaint]

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."