Humor Thread

[TE999]

* this is my own humor, from recent happenings in my life...

Ten things you (can) learn from a chimney fire...

1. When you walk into your little girls closet and see bright orange, gently flaming coals piled up threatening to spill out the access door of the chimney, everything you have learned about staying calm, collected and focused in a "situation" kinda goes all smushy and leaks (hopefully invisibly)out your gaping mouth...

2. Screaming "ANSWER THE PHONE! ANSWER THE PHONE!" into a cell phone: (a) doesnt make the person your calling answer faster (or at all), and (b) seems to upset the peoplearound you.-especially children.

3. Every one that comes to the scene will ask you the same thing,..."Hey, How's it going?"

4. After about the third person, you get sick of answering that question and lose all civility towards it.

5. When you say "chimney fire" and "they" arrive and there are not flames shooting out of every available exit point in the building, every man there will think you are a woman who is just, "losing it"....and give you "the look."

6. This will tick you off so much you actually DO, "lose it."

7. Firemen in full gear can't outrun a ticked off woman who has "lost it;" -must be the boots.

8. Your teenage son will: (a) tell you that you are losing it, (b) call all his freinds and tell THEM, you are losing it, (c) recount, numerous times throughout the rest of the day, how you lost it, AND what you looked and sounded like while you "lost it" ...and (d) never, ever, let you live it down.

9. You will remind him that it would be a fairly simple task to "make another one that looks just like him."

10. Big, Burly firemen in full gear, crouching in your little girls hot pink closet, next to a large doll house, cloistered about with frilly dresses, dollies, and girl stuff, will cause a very strong and odd urge in you to offer him a cup of tea....

Yeesh! No wonder Santa uses the front door.

 

[DG Hear]

Bush at a Bar

President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that President Bush
sitting at the end of the bar?"


The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says,

"Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, "I'm planning WW III."


Then the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"


Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."


The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you.

No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

 

[DG Hear]

Never Cheat On A Southern Woman !

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and
cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the
stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the
barn.

She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed
the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop!
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?'

The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm
gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.

 

[DG Hear]

Funny story

Enjoy this one!!!


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.................................................................................






It's coming.





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[DG Hear]

Signs To Make You Smile !

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

Time Wounds All Heels.

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels **************************

At a Proctologist's door:

To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

We Repair What Your Husband Fixed **************************

On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber! **************************

On a Church's Billboard:

7 days without God makes one weak. **************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout. **************************

At a Towing company:

We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows. **************************

On an Electrician's truck:

Let Us Remove Your Shorts **************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. **************************

On a Maternity Room door:

Push. Push. Push! **************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. **************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

We really know our stuff.

**************************

On a Fence:

Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************

At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. **************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! **************************

At the Electric Company

We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************

In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in

and get fed up.
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

Best place in town to take a leak **********************

 

[WearMeWell]

Yeesh! No wonder Santa uses the front door.

*giggles~...*curtsey...

Enjoy this one!!!


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.................................................................................






It's coming.





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

LMBOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*sobers suddenly...*ew.

 

[redpaint]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for prayers which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

 

[redpaint]

One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.
"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

''Some things you just can't explain."

''Try me.''

"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''

"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

 

[redpaint]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

[redpaint]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.



'Who was that?' asked his wife.



'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.



'Did you help him?' she asks.



'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'



'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'



'Yes,' comes back the answer.



'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.



'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.



'Where are you?' asks the husband.



'Still over here on the swing,' replied the drunk...

 

[redpaint]

Three old Mischivous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Granmas yelled out saying,'we bet we can tell exactly how old you are" The old man said,"There 'aint no way you can guess it, you ol' fools!" One of the old Grandmas said," sure we can!" 'Just drop your shorts and underpants and we can tell your exact age!" Embarressed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,'youre 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,' How in the world did you Guess?" Slappin their knees and grinnin' from ear to ear, all three ladies happily yelled in unision," WE WERE AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY YESTERDAY!"

 

[redpaint]

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS:

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygri p close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighb ors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(This was sent in large type so you can read it.

 

[redpaint]

11 Phrases MEN Use

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgJvM_TZjf8

 

[redpaint]

9 Phrases Women Use: (aka ~ 9 words women use)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OOD7VwGmdk

 

[only_more_so]

Should I feel bad that I really did laugh out loud to this one?

President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that President Bush
sitting at the end of the bar?"


The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says,

"Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, "I'm planning WW III."


Then the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"


Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."


The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you.

No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

 

[DG Hear]

Carnation Milk Contest Winner

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/CarnationMilk.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Actual 911 calls

Not sure if I posted these before.

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and t ired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

[redpaint]

A Real Pain!





After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, the Lord came to visit Eve. "How is everything going?" he asked.



"It is all so beautiful", she replied with delight. The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I have just one problem ........



It's these breasts you've given me, the middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain!



"Having just two breasts might be a better idea, Lord, and it would make my body more "symmetrically balanced."



"That's a fair point," He replied. "But it was my first shot at this, I gave the animals six breasts and I figured you would only need half of that, but I see that you are right. I'll fix it right away"



Then He reached down and removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.



A few weeks later, God once again visited Eve in the Garden. "How's my favorite creation?" He asked.



"Fine," she replied, "except for just one thing. I'm getting very lonely here all by myself. All the other animals have mates and I don't have one."



The Lord thought for a minute and then said, You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You DO need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.



Let's see..............where did I put that useless boob?"



Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that nonsense about a rib?

 

[redpaint]

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
---Billy Crystal

 

[redpaint]

3 KIDS FISHING
Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland'

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's shoes.

'Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.

'The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!'

 

[redpaint]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes
it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, 'I can really use
a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
'What's the name of your wee wee?'

The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that, all I
want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you
until you tell me the name of your wee wee. Mine for instance is called
Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the
bar calls his Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him
he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is
sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?' The man looks
back and says with a smile 'Timex,' and the thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why
Timex?'
The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin!'

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his
right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what
do you guys call yours?'
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD,
because Quality is Job One.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford
lately?'
The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY, 'Like
A Rock.' and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment
before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, 'The name of my wee wee is
'SECRET.'
Now give me a beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with
a puzzled look asked, 'Why Secret?'

The cowboy says, 'Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

 

[redpaint]

NUDE RUNNER

.

.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

.

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

.

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. 'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

.

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

.

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

.

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

.

.

.

'Nope..

..

..

..just when it's raining.'

 

[DG Hear]

Liver and Cheese

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee -an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy. They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks.
Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."

So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."

The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."

The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"

Then the Chinese guy steps up very agitated and yells ..... "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

 

[DG Hear]

Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma
came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."


The policeman fainted.

 

[DG Hear]

Innocence

MOM: Didn't I tell you that if a guy touches your ASS, say DON'T.
And if he touches your BOOBS say STOP!

GIRL: But mOm, he touched both so i said: DON'T STOP...!!!

***

Sex is math: Add 2 bodies, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs and multiply!!!

***

Daughter: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!

MOM: You mean it's small?

Daughter: No it's salty!!!