Humor Thread

[spicecajun]

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

 

[DG Hear]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my control we will not hath a thermon tewday."

 

[DG Hear]

Leroy sees the preacher

Leroy and L'Quiesha go to the San Leon Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't ‘til next Wednesday."

 

[oggbashan]

William Tell Overture etc.

I was searching YouTube for the opening song of the William Tell TV series.

I found it: Here

It is as bad as I remembered it to be, and so are the studio settings.

I also found the William Tell Mom Song.

Og

 

[Handley_Page]

I was searching YouTube for the opening song of the William Tell TV series.

I found it: Here

It is as bad as I remembered it to be, and so are the studio settings.

I also found the William Tell Mom Song.

Og

The only thing I remember about that series was Jennifer Jayne,
and the song by David Whitfield.

 

[TE999]

Q. What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

 

[DG Hear]

I was searching YouTube for the opening song of the William Tell TV series.

I found it: Here

It is as bad as I remembered it to be, and so are the studio settings.

I also found the William Tell Mom Song.

Og

Thanks Og. It something how they always use the old classics for cartoon music and old westerns. For those who haven't watched the William Tell Mom song, please take the time to listen to it. This woman is really good. (and funny)
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets the rabbi who is supposed to perform the ceremony. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

The rabbi answers, "No way! "Men and women always dance separately!"

The man then asks, "So after the ceremony you mean I can't even dance with my own wife?"

The rabbi replies, "It's forbidden!"

The man asks, "Can we finally have sex?"

The rabbi replies, "Of course! Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have many children!"

"What about different positions?" asked the man?

"No problem," says the rabbi, "It's a mitzvah!"

"Well then, how about a woman on top?" the man asks.

Rabbi replies, "It's mitzvah!"

"How about Doggy Style?"

"Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno film?"

"It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Well, why not?" asks the man.

Rabbi answers, "Could lead to dancing!"

 

[oggbashan]

Printers' Errors

From a series of 1950s books by Denys Parsons:

Weddings etc.

The bride wore an ivory georgette dress with a Brussels net veil. The bridegroom wore the D.S.O. South London
(Og's note: a small medal of the Distinguished Service Order)

Miss Yolande Lessard, sister of the bride, was maid of honor and wore a white ninon skirt, matching ostrich plumes in her hair and carried a royal blue brother of the bride, and Marcel. The bridegroom was attended by his velvet muff covered with pink roses. Portland Press Herald

Students who marry during their course will not be permitted to remain in college. Further, students who are already married must either live with their husbands or make other arrangements with the dean. Ohio college

The marriage of Miss Anna Bloch and Mr Willis Dashwood, which we announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct. Colorado paper

WEDDING. At St Mary's Church. Captain B___ to Violent Vera, daughter of Mr and Mrs J B L______ . Calcutta paper

A huge collar of white fox fur successfully concealed the greater part of Mrs David T____'s face. Gossip column

The Fitzhenrys had come to South Africa in the forties. At that time he was forty and she was twenty-seven. He was now fifty and she was twenty-nine. South African Weekly

More later.

Og

 

[Zeb_Carter]

"If you inadvertently lock your wife and your new dog in the trunk of your car for three hours, only your dog will be happy to see you when you open the trunk."

 

[DG Hear]

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses - until they stop running.

2. Strike while the - bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of - termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but - How?

6. Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.

7. No news is - impossible

8. A miss is as good as a - Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new - Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust - Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the - pigs.

13. An idle mind is - the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's - pollution.

15. Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is - not much.

17. Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than - Pregnant

 

[TE999]

Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Happy Meal?

You order whatever you want and the people behind you in line pay for it.

 

[DG Hear]

Grandparents: These are great!!!

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many
times before.

After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I
will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking
about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor
She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun
for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct
him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure,"
said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought
the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find
the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get
her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her
back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas
leaks, and they blame their dog.

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie that was sent to me by a friend, Yes, I do have a few friends.
DG

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

 

[DG Hear]

Mother Knows Best:

At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her.

So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother.

So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

 

[DG Hear]

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.


Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill dough


Q: What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
A: Cash and carry.


A blind man goes into a whorehouse and asks for a girl. The madam figures, since he's blind, she'll just give him an inflatable, lifesize doll -- he won't know the difference. So the man goes in the room with the inflatable girl and comes outfive minutes later. The madam asks him what happened and he says, “I slapped her ass, she farted and blew out the window.”

 

[DG Hear]

Amen

Dear Lord,

In the past year you have taken away
my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze,
my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett,
my favorite musician, Michael Jackson,
my favorite salesman, Billy Mays and
my favorite athlete, Chris Henry.

I just wanted to let you know,
my favorite President is Barack Obama.

Thank you, and Amen.

 

[DG Hear]

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them into a tire and call it a good year.


Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
McDonalds Condom: One Billion Served.
Energizer Condom: It keeps going and going and going...
Bandai Condoms: Action Satisfaction.


Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.


Q. What does Kodak film and a condom have in common?
A. They both capture the moment!

 

[DG Hear]

Walks Into a Bar... String Style

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot.

 

[DG Hear]

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

 

[SweetWitch]

The Bottle Of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish we weren't married; this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

 

[DG Hear]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish we weren't married; this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.

Just seeing your name on the humor thread made me smile. Thanks for posting

 

[Zeb_Carter]

This is for you youngsters to ponder.

When your mother kisses you good night did you ever think that she might have just given your father a blowjob? You will now.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Best Used Car Advert - EVER

Used Car Advert. "2005 RENAULT CLIO DYNAMIQUE 16V BLUE"
​

[ For those of an uncertain disposition, I'd better explain that the car is a small french hatch-back, 1200cc. ]


Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves

If you think you've saved enough 'benefit' from your 4 children before you're 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.

A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran's idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain't gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I've made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already.

Dig out yer favourite unwashed "Umbro" hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the "Street Pharmacist" and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. (Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way.)
What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket.

Worried about the Babylon spotting ya ?, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and no-one'd see 'em. Doesn't get much better boys ?: Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you'll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran's inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new "wheels" then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn, them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible "Drum & Bass" CD and the throbbing out the 6x9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time.

To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in "Air Max" white it really doesn't complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You'll also enjoy the totally pointless but ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn't get where you are today by being helpful, did you?

I'm quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of shit and look a complete prick. I'd much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you've made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram's of smack or coke, but ideally I'd need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I'm easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier.

For any female buyer I'm offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaningless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven't already got your "Tramp Stamp" that is.

If you're an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn't going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all; you'll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If you're driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic own-brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain't never gonna take you alive in this.

The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don't forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this "fanny magnet". You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD's as well. You're gonna get a proper bird with this motor.

For the disqualified driver I'll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO?

Don't let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some documentation from as little as fifty quid.

Nuff said, innit.