Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Don't try this at home...*snerk*

Damn, that was some explosion.
DG

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Damn, that was some explosion.
DG

Who knew wine could be so...explosive!

 

[DG Hear]

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is....
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

 

[Weird Harold]

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

I'm not sure about the rest of the titles, but your source got this one wrong:

"Charlie Walker: I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight lyrics"

My friend he fixed me up with a girl he said he knew
He guaranteed we'd get along just fine
And when I went to pick her up I found out what he meant
He knows that strange and weird things are a hobby of mine

I wouldn't take her to a dog fight or any other place I've ever been
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight not even if she had a chance to win

Curiosity they say killed the cat
And I've been the curious sort all of my life
I hung around convinced she couldn't really look that bad
She got me drunk and when I woke up I had a wife

I wouldn't take her to a dog fight...

Well now the years have passed and our daughter's in her teens
Her boy friend comes and hungs around the place
He never takes her anywhere I don't dare ask him why
Cause she's the spittin' image of her mama in the face

And I wouldn't take her to a dog fight...
I wouldn't take her to a dog fight...

​

PS: to report a post, look for the warning triangle with an exclamation point

-- under the poster's name/avatar in the skin I use.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Top Ten Country Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is....
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

You forgot the top of the heap:

#1 with a bullet: Take Your Tongue Out of My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye.

 

[DG Hear]

PS: to report a post, look for the warning triangle with an exclamation point

-- under the poster's name/avatar in the skin I use.

Thanks Harold, I knew it was there somewhere.
As far as the songs go, I didn't even know they were real. Someone sent them to me and it made me laugh. So, I posted them.

I always say, my favorite Country song is, " I used to Kiss Her on the Lips, but it's All Over Now."
DG

 

[Weird Harold]

Thanks Harold, I knew it was there somewhere.
As far as the songs go, I didn't even know they were real. Someone sent them to me and it made me laugh. So, I posted them.

The person who created that list probably just made up the titles; that one was just very close to an actual song.

OJ: If you play a country song backwards, you get your truck back, your dog back, and your wife back.

 

[Boxlicker101]

The person who created that list probably just made up the titles; that one was just very close to an actual song.

OJ: If you play a country song backwards, you get your truck back, your dog back, and your wife back.

You could come up with a pretty strange list without making anything up. For instance:

The Girls All Get Purtier at Closing Time
Drop Kick me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life
If Ah Said You Had a Beautiful body, Would You Hold It Against Me

I could probable come up with more if I tried hard enough.

 

[DG Hear]

7 Kinds Of Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex .
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex .
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex .
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex .
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[DG Hear]

Unemployed?? Need a job? Try this one:
Gynecologist Assistant

An unemployed man went into the Job Center in Minneapolis, MN , and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.


Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, gently lay them down, and carefully wash their private parts, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair. Once that is done, you then rub in soothing oils so that the ladies are ready for the gynecologist's examination."


"The annual salary is $65,000, but you will have to go to Chicago, that's about 525 miles from here."


"Good grief, is that where the job is?"


"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."

 

[Handley_Page]

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a Gynaecologist!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Children ...

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children..

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young..

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but it's worth another read.
DG

PRICELESS!!!!!!

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one.
DG

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

 

[Freefall_mc]

I love your thread. But re-tailing? lol..hm Not sure why that hit me so funny.
*looks at wine glass*

 

[Handley_Page]

Nude Runner


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.

'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others; about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping for air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved alongside. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

There was a pause:-






'Nope....... ..just when it's raining.'

 

[DG Hear]

Good stuff HP: Thanks for posting.
DG

Things that I found helpful by living this long:

The purpose of fighting is to win.

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.... The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.


1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'

7. Beware the man who only carries one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, it can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, “No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too”.

 

[Handley_Page]

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

 

[Handley_Page]

He heaved him self up onto his pillow and looked at his attractive wife. "Good Morning, my Love", he said. "You look well rested"

She opened one eye, looked at him and mumbled :"You look like I need a drink".

 

[DG Hear]

Great Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year--"In ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!"

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at
the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.
Guess I won that stupid argument--I bet he felt like an idiot.

Babette

 

[DG Hear]

Computer Joke

Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[JackLuis]

If I only had a dame, you-tubed

 

[paco55mi]

funny

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis."
They work great but they don't come cheap . It's $1000 an inch.

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want." But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five

incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.


The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
Yes" says the man."
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[DG Hear]

Here are some Yo Mama Jokes I remember so many of them from when I was a kid.
DG

So Cross Eyed

Yo mamma's cross-eyed, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!

So Old

Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.

Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.

Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.

So Poor

Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.

Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.

Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.

 

[DG Hear]

More of Yo Mama

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!

Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!

Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?

Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!

Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!

Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.

Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"

Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.