Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Help the Rabbi

A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.

There is a hush, no one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!" The congregation applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" The congregation cheers again.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

 

[DG Hear]

Indian Ride

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady,' the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
�

 

[Isid]

Indian Ride

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady,' the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
�

that made me laugh... and I continue to laugh at the silliness of it all...

 

[DG Hear]

Sorry if you are a drunk and this offends you.
DG

15 Signs You Are a Drunk

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

 

[DG Hear]

Alcohol and Hot Dogs

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Those for wehom Star Wars is not a mystery:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2CtkmR6b4o&feature=related

Had me in stitches.

 

[Handley_Page]

Eight Words With Two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[DG Hear]

Skunky

A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"

 

[DG Hear]

Dressed in Black

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[Safe_Bet]

WARNING:​

This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate others.

They also often attempt to pass themselves off as “Christians.”, but are no more “true” Christians than is Fred Phelps.


If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20

lmao... what!!!!?!?! and lose out on the fun of seeing her explode with apoplexy.. I kinda got used to her and will surely miss that ranting lunatic if she goes quiet..
even if she does not sleep with me, she sure fucks around with us on the thread.. so she;s not a real proud lezzie after all.. in fact,, she shows a flair for all the usual foreplay nagging wives give their hubbies.
i ain;t gonna iggy the squealing piggy.. in fact. can't wait for her to crank that broken record again.. lol
Am glad u r back at posting... that was quite a dry spell you left us in during the time you stayed off... just keep posting DG.. never mind any sick puppies or pussies in the background

Thanks Crude. It was funny for awhile but then the same shit over and over. It's like having a cat outside your window screeching over and over, having sex. Finally you get tired of the noise and dump water on it.

I know the bible says love your brother but you don't have to love their actions and constant crying and bickering.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Puppies

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"

"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"

"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.

"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!"

 

[DG Hear]

Wine Tasting

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."�

"Thank God,"� says an elderly nun in the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."�

 

[DG Hear]

Suck an Orange

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted.

 

[DG Hear]

Elephant at the Zoo

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

His mother replies "That's his trunk".

The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."

His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."

 

[DG Hear]

Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave.....
Dave.....
Dave, you sick bastard
You're a vet."

 

[DG Hear]

Topless car wash

Click on the link below

http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Misc/toplesscarwash.html

 

[Handley_Page]

WARNING:​

This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate others.

Of course it isn't. It merely highlights some quirk of existence.
Humour is like that.

 

[DG Hear]

3 Old Ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but still cute

Old Folks

An older couple goes to the doctor wanting a baby. The doctor says take cup & bring back a sample.

The husband went back to the doc after a few days and said, "I tried it with my right hand then my left, then she tried with her dentures in & out. But we just couldn't get the bottle open!"

A Lot of Balls

Q: What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies?

A: Bingo

 

[DG Hear]

Elderly Customer

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

 

[Crudebug]

Q: What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo

So you think if anyone LAID a Safe Bet, Bingo would screw that too?
Does Bingo come with a strap-on with all those add-on balls?

 

[dropkickacid]

True story!

I used to work in a hardware/home improvement store, and can honestly say that I have never left work without a funny story. Although the list is endless, this story is my absolute favorite, hands down:
I was working the cash register one day when an attractive, well-dressed Asian woman came up to my register with three carts full of odds and ends. For full effect, you have to imagine what she looked like: she looked to be in her 30's, about 5'2", slim, and professionally dressed. She was wearing a cream, silk, button-down top under a perfectly tailored, pinstriped navy blue blazer with a matching knee-length skirt (complete with a tasteful, but sexy slit up one side), black stockings, and black heels that *clicked* just enough to make you look up when you heard her walk by. Conservative, approachable, sexy.
The three carts were filled with, like I said, odds and ends. Lightbulbs, batteries, trash cans, drain stopper, picture frame, flashlights, tape, cleaning products...you get the idea. After working at the store for three years, I came to learn that when customers come up with carts full of such random items, (and since I live in Hawaii), it usually means that they've just moved to the islands. So I struck up a conversation with her.
Me: Wow, that's quite a collection you've got there...I'd hate to see your shopping list!
Her: *laughs*
Me: So, where did you move from?
Her: California...how did you know?
Me: Experience...you're buying all the basic stuff that you can find in any house. So either you like to buy the same stuff over and over again for fun, which is silly in my opinion, or you're trying to furnish a house that has nothing in it. Since you don't seem like the "silly" type, I figured you must be moving in.
Her: But maybe I was moving from another part of the island?
Me: Nah, or else you would have just dumped everything from your old place into a van and moved it to the new place.
Her: Hah! You're a smart one! I like you, you're a great cashier. I hope you're working later, I'll be coming back with my husband.

At this point, I go on with my usual assumptions, leading to the greatest line I've ever heard:

Me: Yep, I'm closing tonight, so I'll be here. So I guess I'll be seeing you in the Decor section while your husband goes and gets lost in the Hardware/Home Repair section, huh?
Her: Him? Home Repair? Please...honey, my husband can't nail, pound, hammer, or fuckin' screw to save his life! I do it myself, because at least I know I'll be satisfied!

*Pause*

Her: Oh holy fucking Christ. Did I just...
Me: Yes, maam, you did.
Her: I didn't mean it to sound like...
Me: Of course Ma'am...

At this point, I lost it. Customer service, whatever. I started laughing so hard that I fell over, and slammed my head on the edge of the counter, giving myself one hell of a bruise. Deciding that she had a sense of humor, I replied:
"I'm sorry, but I can't help but ask: seeing as how you do all the fixing, and I've managed to bang myself a good one against the counter, I was wondering: Are you any good at fixing an aching and throbbing head?"



To top it off, both her and her husband came back and they each sent in separate customer service comment cards for being an awesome cashier, which scored me a paid day off from work as a reward.

Like I said, true story!

 

[Handley_Page]

I cannot recall seeing this one, so if you've heard it before, just pass by.

The TV studio was working well, the weather man had been predicting bad snow the night before and there'd been none.
"So," said the lady presenter looking at the Weather man, "Where was that 6 inches you promised last night ?"

There was pandemonium.

 

[redpaint]

"10 Rules For Dating My Daughter"

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided... movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[redpaint]

"Talking Centipede"

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"