How to make people laugh

[Saucyminx]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.

 

[Saucyminx]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

lol .... great ... i like quick minds

 

[Lynxie]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night...

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now,"she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[smoothdevil]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


"Now,"she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

LMAO ... great

 

[Quoll]

PML Lynxie.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill
out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level!

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for
last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[kayte]

PML Lynxie.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill
out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level!

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for
last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

LMAO!!

 

[Saucyminx]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

 

[Saucyminx]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

 

[smoothdevil]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

LMAO ... this might come in handy ... lol

 

[smoothdevil]

thought for the day.............


Q: What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

 

[smoothdevil]

thought for the day


if your wife yells for you to open the door from the front door, and your dog barks to be let in at the back door, whom do you let into the house first?


the dog, at least he's gonna shut up once he's in the house.

 

[MagicFingers]

Quoll, about those aricraft fixes

like:
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

I used to work of fighter aircraft. All our equipment was in the rear cockpit.
I did some debriefing. Many of the problems were non-sensensical or some even made up to abort the mission.
My favorite response by a fellow tech was:

Found loose nut in rear cockpit!

I like the IT fixes like:
ID - 10 - T error
(squeeze them together to see the fix)
or
Equipment exceeds user capability.

 

[Saucyminx]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in.

"P....E....N....I....S.."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****

 

[Saucyminx]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

 

[smoothdevil]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring
and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I
want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
>
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated
by "check." I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write
now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[smoothdevil]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger
than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy . . . you explain the kids

 

[Quoll]

like:
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

I used to work of fighter aircraft. All our equipment was in the rear cockpit.
I did some debriefing. Many of the problems were non-sensensical or some even made up to abort the mission.
My favorite response by a fellow tech was:

Found loose nut in rear cockpit!

I like the IT fixes like:
ID - 10 - T error
(squeeze them together to see the fix)
or
Equipment exceeds user capability.

Tech support, gotta laugh.

A call to the technical support line for a cell phone company:

Customer: "The numbers on my caller ID are going blurry!"
Tech Support: "Sir, I think you might just need a new battery."
Customer: "Well, can you tell me how to change it?"
Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "How am I supposed to change this battery?"
Tech Support: "Sir, all you need to do is replace the battery. It's not that hard."
Customer: "Can you send out a repairman to do it for me?"

What? He had to be kidding.

Tech Support: "We normally don't send out repairmen to change batteries."
Customer: "What? I can't change this battery by myself!"

After a few more minutes of angry yelling on his part that we would not be sending a repairman to go change the battery for him, he got on the phone with supervisor and demanded I be fired.

Needless to say, I wasn't.



Customer: "I have a message on my screen that says: 'Disk Full'. What can that be?"
Tech Support: "Maybe your disk is full."
Customer: "Hmmm. OK."



I'm a tech support engineer for a software company. I had a guy call up rather annoyed that the disks we'd sent him containing the latest version of our software didn't work.

Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"

 

[smoothdevil]

on the theme of tech support ....

true story ....


a woman calls Microsoft tech support and complains that the software is not working ..... this is true ....


TS.......what is the error message madam ?

Customer ....... it just says to close the window ????

TS .... so did you close the window and what happened ?

Customer .... well I got up and went over to the window and closed it , and still the same problem ... the message stays there ....


true story......

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Money

It can buy a House But not a Home

0It can buy a Bed But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock But not Time

It can buy a Book But not Knowledge

It can buy a Position But not Respect

It can buy Medicine But not Health

It can buy Blood But not Life

It can buy Sex But not Love

Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend
I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHEQUES,
CASHIERS CHEQUES, BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC.

PLEASE: NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS. THEY WILL BE RETURNED

 

[kayte]

Subject: Money

It can buy a House But not a Home

0It can buy a Bed But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock But not Time

It can buy a Book But not Knowledge

It can buy a Position But not Respect

It can buy Medicine But not Health

It can buy Blood But not Life

It can buy Sex But not Love

Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend
I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHEQUES,
CASHIERS CHEQUES, BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC.

PLEASE: NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS. THEY WILL BE RETURNED

LMAO!!!!

 

[Saucyminx]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that!"

 

[Saucyminx]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

 

[Quoll]

Congratulations

 

[Xectxny19X]

oh my...*ponders and starts giggling too loudly for it to be a giggle*
Thanks for the funnies you guys.