How to make people laugh

[Saucyminx]

The Seven Dwarfs were all in the bathtub. They were feeling happy. So he got out.



The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare. Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 

[HornyHenry]

7 Dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs were all in the bathtub. They were feeling happy. So he got out.

Reminds me of an OLD joke:
My friends and I were all feeling merry, then Mary got up and went home,
So we all went down to service station and pumped Ethol.
Ethol went home too, so everyone jumped for Joy and a fun time was had by all.

OK, got this great 7 Dwarf joke in the email. Good timing.
The 7 Dwarves of Menopause:

 

[JusPlayBass]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."

 

[Quoll]

Hmm I bet they all felt sleepy after a hot bath

nun funnier

 

[Christina O. Leigh]

LOL, guys! This is great. Laughter is a healer

 

[smoothdevil]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

 

[Quoll]

Just a short one....

Two dwarfs have just been released from prison and are dying for some sex, so they pick up two prostitutes and take them to a hotel and book two rooms A and B. So the dwarf in room A is getting ready to shag the prosi when he cant get a hard on and he can hear is mate in room B going 1,2,3 huh 1,2,3 huh and thinks to himself i cant believe this. So in the morning the bloke in room B goes how was your night i and the bloke in room A goes it was terrible i couldnt get a hard on. The bloke in Dwarf in room B well it wasnt as bad as mine i couldnt even get on the bed!

 

[Quoll]

An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[Elizafairy]

To make ppl laugh you smile at them. Then if they smile you smile more and hug them and they laugh.

 

[Quoll]

To make ppl laugh you smile at them. Then if they smile you smile more and hug them and they laugh.

Or you get locked up for being a pshyco.

 

[Quoll]

Harder to find than I thought.

During the Klondike gold rush, a prospector came down from the mountains into a little one horse town. Finding a saloon, he says to the saloon keeper "Give me a bottle of whiskey and a woman!"

The saloon keeper explains to the prospector that there are no women in this town, but some should arrive soon.

"Well what can I do for some pleasure around here?" inquired the prospector.

"If you really feel you must, there's Old Joe. He said, pointing to a toothless old man sitting near the end of the bar.

"No way" said the prospector "I don't go for that kind of sex." He took his bottle of whiskey and left.

One year later the prospector came back to the same saloon, walking up to the bar he shouts "A bottle of whiskey and a woman!"

To which the saloon keeper says, "No women have arrived yet but Old Joe is still here."

Grabbing the whiskey he storms out of the saloon saying "I don't go for that kind of sex!"

Well it's one year later and the prospector returns to the saloon, nervous and shaky he pleads to the saloon keeper for a bottle of whiskey and a woman. The saloon keeper again explains there is plenty of whiskey on hand, but that no women have arrived in town yet. "But Old Joe is still here," he says motioning towards the old man sitting at the end of the bar.

"I don't go for that kind of sex," replied the prospector.

Exasperated, the prospector starts drinking his whiskey. When about half of the bottle is gone he calls the bartender over and asks "If I should decide to fuck Old Joe, who all would know about it?"

The bartender says "I'll know about it, and so will those six big lumber jacks playing poker at the table over there."

"Why do they have to know?" asked the prospector.

"You will need all six of them to hold Old Joe down.....You see Old Joe doesn't go for that kind of sex either."

 

[Râleclins]

I just hope no one's posted that one earlier in this thread, I haven't had the courage to read it all.

A woman finds a bottle and rubs it ; of course, a genie appears and says "For freeing me I shall grant you three wishes. But be careful : whatever you wish, your husband will have ten times the same thing."

The woman thinks for a minute, and says "For my first wish, I want to be the richest woman on Earth."
The genie answers : "But you should know that your husband will become the richest man on Earth, ten times richer than you."
"Yes, but he's my husband so everything that belongs to him belongs to me, too.", says the woman, and then the genie grants her her first wish

Then she says "For my second wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman on Earth."
The genie warns her : "But then you should know that your husband will be even more handsome and beautiful than you, and all the women on Earth will try to seduce him."
"Yes, but I'll be the most beautiful woman anyway, so it'll be easy to keep him with me.", says the woman, and then the genie grants her her second wish.

Then she says "For my third wish, I want to have a mild heart attack."

 

[cymbline]

Ring-a-ding-ding!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex, would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even nothing too strenuous; simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Râleclins]

A guy tells his doctor : "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with my bowels. When I eat carrots, I shit carrots. When I eat turnips, I shit turnips. When I eat salad, I shit salad. Please help me, what can I do ?"

The doc answers : "There's only one solution : eat shit."

 

[Saucyminx]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

 

[Quoll]

A lady fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

 

[Quoll]

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

 

[Xectxny19X]

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

oOh hahahaha, omg! Funny! Thanks for this one!

 

[smoothdevil]

A lady fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

LMAO.........

 

[Saucyminx]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

[Saucyminx]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"

 

[Quoll]

http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/dentist.jpg

 

[Quoll]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

 

[Quoll]

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

----------------------------------------------------------------------​

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

 

[Quoll]

Did I win?

The Jogging Route
Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.
After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest. Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ... When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death. "Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?" Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass. The old man thanked her, then left. "Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route." With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep. Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying. "Hi," the blond jogger said. "Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked. Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said. "Thanks," they said, then jogged off. Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME' on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep. A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off. Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?" To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's 8:27."

The Joy of Jogging

1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.
2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spending $400 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.
7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.
9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.
10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.