How to make people laugh

[Quoll]

Quoll, that is hysterical! If it's not true, it should be.....and even if not, it should be a cautionary tale for any traveler who blusters and bullies to get his/her way at the expense of others.

There is something very satisfying about seeing arseholes getting what they deserve, and in public it is just sooooo much better.

 

[smoothdevil]

A lady lived in a small town had two pet monkeys that she was very fond of.

One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other died of a broken heart. Wishing to keep them, the lady took them to the taxidermist.

The man asked if she would like them mounted. "Oh, no," she replied, "Just have them holding hands."

 

[smoothdevil]

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off atthe wrong house.

 

[smoothdevil]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while still making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F. You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that as well."

super ... she should get a medal ...

 

[Xectxny19X]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

*giggles* Funny kitty! I LOVE the airport story as well!

 

[smoothdevil]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached."

To which the first replies, "Wow, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting Women's T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

3. DAMN RIGHT I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT

5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.

7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

8. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?

9. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

10. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE

11. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

12. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

13. KEEP STARING. I MAY DO A TRICK.

14. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

15. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

16. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

17. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE

18. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

19. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH

20. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR

 

[Xectxny19X]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached."

To which the first replies, "Wow, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

oOh! LoL! omg. *shakes head in disbelief*

 

[smoothdevil]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[grungalunga]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out,"I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs
on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Bragger

Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out
into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,

"What's >that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled
that woman."

 

[Saucyminx]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"
As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

LMAO............

 

[Saucyminx]

A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Kansas City International Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Kansas City. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Kansas City."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in KC?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take
that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get
a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts
to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

 

[Saucyminx]

one for the road

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[Quoll]

Just a quickie

The sheriff arrested the brown paper cowboy, he had a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper saddle, and a brown paper hat.
"We don`t allow rustlers in these here parts."

 

[Xectxny19X]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding
cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

LoL! *shakes head in amazement and disbelief*

 

[Quoll]

Oky doky, cowboy jokes at 20 paces.

This old timer is setting on the porch of a saloon. A cowboy comes riding up and hitches his horse to the post, walks behind the horse and kisses its ass. The old timer looks in amazement and says, "Hey Cowboy why the hell did ya' kiss your horse's ass?"

Cowboy: "Well, I have chapped lips"

Old Timer: "So are ya' sayin' that will cure chap lips?"

Cowboy: "Nope ... but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

 

[Quoll]

You would have heard of the gay cowboy?


He always pulled his chaps on backwards.

 

[Quoll]

There was this cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both him and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.

He grab this young indian who just happen to be walking by told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it awake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed.

After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. AS the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front. The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?" Well replied the cowboy you left your INGIN' RUNNING......

 

[Quoll]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, quietly stirring the coals with his penis.

 

[Quoll]

Last one for now.

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking." He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good." He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking." He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

LMAO ... super

 

[smoothdevil]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

[smoothdevil]

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.