How to make people laugh

[everblast]

Child Support

Today's my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last
child
support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn
payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when
she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo
momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from
me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear
what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression
on yo face.

 

[everblast]

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my
brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."

 

[everblast]

Let's get ethnic!
Italians


Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds,
shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit
two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles
into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant,
travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your
grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9," it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.

You know how to pronounce "cappicola", "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

And you understand "bada bing"

(before you try and find my real idenity I'm Itialian too so just shut ya face!)

 

[grungalunga]

whats the difference b/w a sorority girl and a bowling ball?

you can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball

 

[grungalunga]

whats the difference b/w a frat house and a condom?
you can only fit one prick in a condom

 

[grungalunga]

whats the diff b/w a sorority girl and a 747?

not everyone's been inside a 747

 

[smoothdevil]

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 

[Macdaddy23]

being funny comes naturally

 

[cymbline]

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied,
"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day
long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The
comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little
boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied,"Ye! ah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

 

[Saucyminx]

in honor of my 36th

A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see." said the, doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change."

 

[Saucyminx]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

 

[smoothdevil]

> Subject: A little amusing
>
>
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped a
card and when he bent under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Bill's
wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear!
> >
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
> >
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well yes,
indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
>
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral
costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
> >
She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday
afternoon.
>
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned
time with Sue at 2:00 pm sharp. After paying her the agreed sum of
$500,they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue
had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
> >
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering said...
"Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat
when her husband curtly asked,"And did he give you $500?"
> >
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after
mustering up her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."
> >
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
> >
*** NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER

 

[Xectxny19X]

omg...the jokes...ROFLMAO.

 

[Saucyminx]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

 

[smoothdevil]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. ....................................................
............................................................................................................

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

LMAOF ... great

 

[Leeleigh]

Warning......you will be laughing out loud when you read this.....just so you know.........................True story. (but not mine)

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now .. .The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer! And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.

After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain! ....... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've
managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And
RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where Could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am
touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby."

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now Covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school So surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's ever good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call The number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.

"While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming,,,
"It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the Hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know when a moustache might start to come in.

 

[smoothdevil]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one friend told another.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked."

 

[Tap-Out]

One fine spring day there was a fish in a lake. He was looking up at a fly hovering three inches above the water. The fish thinks to himself "If that fly drops three inches I can jump up, and have him for my dinner"

A bear sees this situation and thinks to himself "If that fly drops three inches, and that fish jumps for the fly I can swat the fish and have him for my dinner"

A hunter sees the bear and thinks to himself "If that fly drops three inches, and that fish jumps for the fly, and that bear swats at the fish, I can grab my gun, shoot the bear and have him for my dinner"

A mouse sees Mr. Hunter and thinks to himself "If that fly drops three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and the bear swats at the fish, and the hunter grabs his gun, I can run up and steal his cheese sandwhich and have it for my dinner."

A cat sees this whole entire scene and thinks to himself "If that fly drops three inches, and that fish jumps for the fly, and that bear swats for the fly, and the hunter grabs his gun to shoot the bear, and that mouse runs for that sandwhich I can pounce on the mouse and have him for my dinner."

Well it all happens. The fly drops down three inches, the fish leaps out of the water going for the fly, the bear swats at the fish, the hunter grabs his gun and takes aim, the mouse scurries for the cheese sandwhich, and the cat dives at the mouse but misses and lands right in the river.

What's the moral of this story you ask?
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Whenever a fly drops three inches, you always end up with a wet pussy.

 

[everblast]

A few weeks before his wedding the young man was approched by his future wife's younger sister. The younger sister was very attractive and had a body that just would not quit.She told him that she had always been attracted to him and found him very sexy. Being that her sister was out of the house working late and they were alone she started to flirt with him. She explained her perdicament and hoped he would help her out by making wild pashionate love to her just this one time before the wedding. He tried to rebuff her advances but she continued to press the issue. As she started to accend the stairs to the bedroom she began removing her blose, then her skirt and before passing into the bedroom he panties throwing them down to him as she passed through the door.
He immdeiatley ran out of the house to his car.
There at his car he was greated by his future father in law, who said" Well son welcome to the family. I'm sorry we had to put you through this test but I had to know you would not cheat on my daughter." They shook hands went inside and had a beer.

The moral of the story.............

alway keep your condums in you car!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

I am sick and tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound so goodie goodie, but never actually come close to reality...most of the time. Here is a series of promises that really speaks to what I think true friendship is all about:

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again I don't want whatever you have.

8.When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge it till the end. Why? you may ask. Because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move the body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

Have a great day.

 

[Saucyminx]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

 

[Saucyminx]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

 

[smoothdevil]

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

lol ... some people have problems

 

[Quoll]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while still making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F. You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that as well."

 

[BeachLovers]

Quoll, that is hysterical! If it's not true, it should be.....and even if not, it should be a cautionary tale for any traveler who blusters and bullies to get his/her way at the expense of others.