How to make people laugh

[Quoll]

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

 

[blue112]

Best I ever saw, was first line on the cover letter "I think I went to Iona High school"

How do you not know what high school you went to!

 

[smoothdevil]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

LMAO............

 

[smoothdevil]

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of mad cow disease.

Lady: "Good evening sir, we are here to collect info about what causes mad cow disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said "Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well sir, that's a interesting piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and mad cow disease?"

Farmer: "Well madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?"

Lady: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I AM getting to the point, madam. If I was playing with your tits four times a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

 

[Quoll]

Bread is Dangerous

Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:
More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
No sale of bread to minors.
A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

 

[everblast]

I haven't read ALL the jokes on this thread to see if this one has been posted.

Guy comes home drunk again from an afternoon drinking with the boys with a duck under his arm.
Throws open the kitchen door where his wife is cooking dinner.
He shouts " This is the pig I've been fuckin' !"
His wife turns around and says to him " Your so god damm drunk you can't tell the difference between a pig and a duck!"
He says " I was talking to the duck!"

 

[Quoll]

More "true" quotes

Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the 'seat belt' sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."



"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."



"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

 

[smoothdevil]

I haven't read ALL the jokes on this thread to see if this one has been posted.

Guy comes home drunk again from an afternoon drinking with the boys with a duck under his arm.
Throws open the kitchen door where his wife is cooking dinner.
He shouts " This is the pig I've been fuckin' !"
His wife turns around and says to him " Your so god damm drunk you can't tell the difference between a pig and a duck!"
He says " I was talking to the duck!"

LMAO.............

 

[everblast]

After studying all evenig with his son Johnny his father can't wait to see how he did on his math test.
Johnny comes home from school with an F on his test.
His father asks how this could happen.
Johnny says the teacher asked me how much 2 times 3 is?
I answered 6.
Father says So?
Then she asked me how much 3 times 2 is?
Father says " that's the same fuckin' thing!!
Johnny says that's what I said!

 

[Saucyminx]

ooooh! luv duck jokes and johnny jokes!

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

 

[Saucyminx]

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here".

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch

A man sits down at a bar. No one is around so he waits patiently. As he is waiting for the bartender he hears: "My that is a nice tie."
He looks around and there is no one there. A few minutes later, he hears: "Hey, did you lose weight?" Still no one.
The bartender comes strolling up. "Hey did you hear that?" the man asks.
The bartender says, "Oh yeah, that's the peanuts. They are complimentary."

 

[Quoll]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and
glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the
length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of
the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin
bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man
standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the
ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's
having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy
the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye
of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking
for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is
really going to have to try this bread for herself!!

Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring
at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing
amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a
trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No," croaks the old man...."But it's startin' to quiver."

 

[Saucyminx]

"No," croaks the old man...."But it's startin' to quiver."

OMG! LMAO Thought you were off bread after the Bread is dangerous one.

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

 

[Saucyminx]

and another one

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

 

[smoothdevil]

OMG! LMAO Thought you were off bread after the Bread is dangerous one.

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

LMAO ... great

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I hope this hasn't been posted, I didn't read through them all.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.


One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing? "Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold (Lit's Weird Harold ) popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."


As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again!"

 

[grungalunga]

what do toy trains and breasts have in common?

they are supposed to be for kids, but dads like them more.

 

[Quoll]

A rat or two or three, Hmm now I am hungry?

In an extraordinary new scientific study which answers the question,
"are we giving scientists too much money to investigate this kind of
stuff?" researchers have determined that providing rats the equivalent
of six cups of coffee enables them (the rats) to be one percent more
productive.

Several questions immediately leap to mind. First, what, exactly, makes
a rat more "productive?" The mice my son had (until he left the door to
the cage open, and then the cat had them) "produced" only tiny black
pellets. Did scientists count these pellets and find there were
slightly more of them after six cups of coffee? If so, they may have
inadvertently discovered a job for which my brother-in-law is
qualified. As long as counting pellets doesn't involve (a) showing up
for work on time or (b) showing up for work, I can see him rising to the
top of his profession.

Second, what is the "equivalent" of six cups of coffee? Maybe the
scientists stuck the little rat paws into an electric outlet. In that
case, heck YES there were more black pellets, probably left there by
rats awaiting their turn at the socket. Do the People for the Ethical
Treatment of Rodents We Would Otherwise Exterminate know about this?
I'm picturing rats sitting around with tiny cups and saucers, reading
the equivalent of the morning newspaper, watching the equivalent of the
Today show, getting ready for the equivalent of the morning rush hour so
they can get to their little rat offices and start producing one percent
more pellets. The scientists studying this must feel they are doing the
equivalent of contributing to society.

Finally, if I drink the equivalent of 600 cups of coffee, does this mean
I will be 100% more productive, thus able to stay home and do nothing
while my more productive self goes off to work? How the heck can I be
more productive if I am in the bathroom all day unloading 600 cups of
coffee? If Al Gore drank 600 cups of coffee, would he change
expression?

I have a suggestion: maybe next time the scientists should drink the
coffee themselves, and then they could come up with a better idea for
something to study. Like, if you gave my brother-in-law the equivalent
of six cups of coffee, would he find a job?

 

[Quoll]

LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS

AP--The federal government today released the findings of a four year study
that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in
laboratory rats.

The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when
all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.

Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the possible
link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of colon cancer.
The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force fed three quarts
(roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a
perfectly reasonable amount. The control group consisted of twenty rats who
lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our
surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months."

Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control rats
contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group than
the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about
condemning whatever we were testing at the time."

Mr Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being
invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: "Yeah,
we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go though
when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society; you know,
conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker, always asking questions
like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give anyone cancer?' We just
didn't need that kind of a negative influence. The last thing you want in a
research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions."

When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr. Smith
replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it's been the
cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking, even
radiation are perfectly harmless!"

Mr Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to
recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This
says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted
cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend
extended periods inside the animal's cages."

When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr Smith
responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things we
have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the middle of a
two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the cost
is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats from
breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the control
rats get cancer than test rats."

When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied: "Huh,
what? You talking to me?"

 

[Quoll]

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a
specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from,
of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some
insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This
proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He
filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and
proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before
the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he
completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts
and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking
penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the
department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she
stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report.
You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one
essential step: you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says,
"You don't mean..."

"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."

 

[Quoll]

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

Artery------------------------The study of fine paintings.
Barium------------------------What you do when CPR fails.
Cesarean Section--------------A district in Rome.
Colic-------------------------A sheep dog.
Coma--------------------------A punctuation mark.
Congenital--------------------Friendly.
Dilate------------------------To live long.
Fester------------------------Quicker.
GI Series---------------------Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Grippe------------------------A suitcase.
Hangnail----------------------A coat hook.
Medical staff-----------------A doctor's cane.
Minor operation---------------Coal digging.
Morbid------------------------A higher offer.
Nitrate-----------------------Lower than the day rate.
Node--------------------------Was aware of.
Organic-----------------------Church musician.
Outpatient--------------------Person who has fainted.
Post-operative----------------A letter carrier.
Protein-----------------------In favor of young people.
Secretion---------------------Hiding anything.
Serology----------------------Study of English knighthood.
Tablet-------------------------A small table.
Tumor-------------------------An extra pair.
Urine-------------------------Opposite of you're out.
Varicose veins----------------Veins which are very close together.
Benign------------------------What you be after you be eight.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Cars & What Their Names Mean

oOh, great jokes people! Tons of kudos!

ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead

AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW - Bavarian Money Waster

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony

FORD - Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

JEEP - Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly

KIA - Korea's Incompetence Amazing

MAZDA - Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually

MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents

LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually Every Road

PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

PORSCHE - Pity Only Rich Snobs Can Have +Em

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Autos Always Breakdown

SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile

VW - Virtually Worthless

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

 

[smoothdevil]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9 The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[Xectxny19X]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9 The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Guilty of #s 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 & 10. *looks down shyly*

 

[everblast]

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar

after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from

him said,



"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will

give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat"



Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."



The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"



Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.