How to make people laugh

[grungalunga]

Q: What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

 

[grungalunga]

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

 

[grungalunga]

Q: Why haven't women been to the moon???
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

 

[grungalunga]

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.

 

[kayte]

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.

LMAO grungalunga!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm as these exchanges were actually taking place. Be sure to read
the last one!
> >
> > Q: Are you sexually active?
> > A: No, I just lie there.
> > __________________________________
> >
> > Q: What is your date of birth?
> > A: July 15th.
> > Q: What year?
> > A: Every year.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of
> > the impact?
> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
> > your memory at all?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > A: I forget.
> > Q: You forget? Can you give us an example
> of something that you've forgotten?
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > A: Forty-five years.
> > ____________________________________
> >
> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
> > woke up that morning?
> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > A: My name is Susan.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
> > voodoo or the occult?
> > A: We both do.
> > Q: Voodoo?
> > A: We do.
> > Q: You do?
> > A: Yes, voodoo.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________
> >
> > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> > ____________________________________
> >
> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: She had three children, right?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: How many were boys?
> > A: None.
> > Q: Were there any girls?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > A: By death.
> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
> > people?
> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people..
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
> > What school did you go to?
> > A: Oral.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
> > an autopsy.
> > _____________________________________
> >
> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > ______________________________________
> >
> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
> > a pulse?
> > A: No.
> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > A: No.
> > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > A: No.
> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began the autopsy?
> > A: No.
> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> > practicing law somewhere.

 

[Munachi]

lightbulb jokes

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fish.

How many students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Don't bother, we're moving out in July.

How many women with PMs does it take to change a light-bulb?

One. Because it just does, OK?

How many psychiatrists?

One, but the light-bulb must want to change...

 

[Eilan]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?"

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is!"

As the couple passes, he says to them,"That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

 

[Xectxny19X]

Comebacks

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

 

[Quoll]

^^^^^^^^Love the hamster one

Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which went great, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog."

 

[Quoll]

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says if you can convince over 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail. So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing. I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?''
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...

 

[Quoll]

Decoding the types of drinks

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has
very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's
interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is ... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been
blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.





THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!

 

[Quoll]

WHAT WOMEN MEAN.....




FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.


FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.


NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.


GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.


GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.


LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.


SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

 

[Quoll]

Men's Speech Patterns


1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you Marry me?"
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing . "
MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

 

[smoothdevil]

> >Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
>
> A man and his wife were having some problems at
> home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
>
> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
> would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
> early morning business flight.
>
> >Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
> (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
> "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
> >knew she would find it.
>
>The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
> it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
>
>Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
> hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
> of paper by the bed.
>
> >The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
>
> >
>
> >Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
>

 

[cymbline]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a
grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what
he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like
this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She
sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I
grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself." BUT, your Honor,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear
Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

[Saucyminx]

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman just loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted to the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

A cowboy stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...

He whispers...."Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

 

[Saucyminx]

and one more

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

 

[Quoll]

whew it`s a long one

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men.

Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOM:A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready
to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup..

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats with all their might, then giggle their heads off!!!

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man
is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on
TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings & funerals, period. And only if a woman makes him do so.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

THE WEDDING: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Fat-Ass and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Teddy Savalas' head.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for
directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

TIME:When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.","Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc.

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos", "Got any more beer?", or "Look at that chick!!"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to
each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

 

[Quoll]

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him,

"Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer.

She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

 

[MercyMia]

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

LOL, quoll!!! I almost peed in my pants at this one! Thanks for a great hearty laugh!

 

[Xectxny19X]

roflmao!!! OMG...my stomach hurts now! *giggles still* Thanks for the jokes! Nice way for me to start the morning!

 

[smoothdevil]

bigamy is having one wife too many --- monogamy is the same !!!

 

[smoothdevil]

old is when


Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot

when you cancel your satellite TV and realize that you are content with getting only three TV stations

Your surgical scar wins the "Longest Zipper" contest.

Your sweetie says, Let's go upstairs and make love,
and you answer, Pick one, I can't do both!

A beautiful woman offers you Super Sex and you ask...
"So, what's the soup?"

When you watch porn and you think it's an educational documentary

People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today

 

[Quoll]

LOL, quoll!!! I almost peed in my pants at this one! Thanks for a great hearty laugh!

Hey, I found Jed and Luke.