How to make people laugh

[Xectxny19X]

Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

 

[Quoll]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


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What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."

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A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

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A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

 

[Northernman069]

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for present Canadian Prime
Minister, Paul Martin and past Prime Minister, Jean Chretien to come to
his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As
they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and motioned
for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands,
sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one
said anything.

Both Martin and Chretien were touched and flattered that
the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication
that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, Chretien asked, "Fodder, what for did you hask de two of huss
to come 'ere?".

The old priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly,

"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go also."

 

[Munachi]

Let me tell you a true story from my youth...

When I was a kid, I had this strange gift, I think I could see the future.

Like, one time I had a dream about that my aunt is going to die. I woke up really scared and I told my dad about it. Of course he laughed it off, and told me it was just a dream, but an hour later the phone rang and they told him his sister had just died.

Some weeks later I had another dream - this time I dreamed my father is going to die. Now when I woke up I really was scared, and I told my dad again. But he again said that it is just a dream - but I could see he was worried.

Now, he had to go to work though, and I could see when he left the house how he was constantly looking around, and really jumpy. The whole day he kept believing that something bad is about to happen, and of course when you are nervous you much easier have accidents.

But finally he made it home well, though pale and sweaty. He said to my mom "You won't believe what a crappy day I had..."

Before he could continue, she said "You think you had a bad day? Mine was horrible - I was just in the kitchen working, when suddenly the milk men dropped dead just in front of our house!"

 

[Quoll]

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Re: How to make people laugh





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*sticks tongue out*

 

[Xectxny19X]

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

wait...wait...but I'm pretty sure I have 3-4 like that in my life and I didn't marry them or give birth to them! *curious look and giggles* Thanks for the usual laughs quoll.

 

[Quoll]

wait...wait...but I'm pretty sure I have 3-4 like that in my life and I didn't marry them or give birth to them! *curious look and giggles* Thanks for the usual laughs quoll.

Perhaps that should include roomates and siblings.


So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

 

[Eilan]

Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how
you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size
as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.

 

[smoothdevil]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how
you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size
as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big gator, What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.

LMAO .... super

 

[Eilan]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. He said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

-----------------------------

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

-----------------------------

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He asks, "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She responds, "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 

[Quoll]

...................snip

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He asks, "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She responds, "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

PML

 

[smoothdevil]

The Australian way...

"Hello, is this the police?

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood"

"Thank you very much for the call"

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaate!!!!"

 

[smoothdevil]

The Irish daughter

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot!Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million.For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the CountryClub... (takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant".

 

[Quoll]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Those who jump off the dam wall in Egypt are in denial.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well read.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted.- It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

[Quoll]

FINDING IT HARD TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT ???? ...NOT ANYMORE!!!!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. Save the best till last..........He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER
OPERATOR.

 

[Quoll]

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a
diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The
Canadian
ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The
American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole
bread?"
The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and
replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the
States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada. The
American had a smirk on his face. The Canadian listened in silence. The
American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the Canadian
replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American
said,
"We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them
into jam and sell it to Canada." The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex
in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The
Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it
was
the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
the United States."

 

[Saucyminx]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

 

[Saucyminx]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[smoothdevil]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

LMAO...........great

 

[Quoll]

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Lmao

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.


Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.


When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

 

[Quoll]

Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John, said "Oh Mr.Jones, I am sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Then Joe spoke up saying "well, I'm not the least bit sorry, she was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelt like a dead fish and even the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I had ever seen. She has a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything. But this is what finished her. Four guys from the other side of town looking for a good time, asked if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools all tried to to get into her at one time and it was to much for her. She cracked down the middle."

The old lady dropped to the ground in a dead faint.

 

[Saucyminx]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

 

[Saucyminx]

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

 

[Saucyminx]

and one more for good luck

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."