How to make people laugh

[MagicFingers]

Condom Slogans

Girls and ladies, tell him one of these:

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection! Protect your erection!
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, no love!

 

[MercyMia]

LOL, MagicFingers, how poetic!

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

[mr_burns01]

A couple is lying in bed reading when the husband reaches under the covers into his wifes PJ pants and slips his finger inside her. The wife looks over at him and smiles but then he takes his finger out, turns the page and carries on reading. His wife assumes he changed his mind and so she carries on reading her book.

10 Minutes later she feels his finger slide back inside her but then again he stops turns his page and carries on reading. The wife is now confused but again just carries on reading.

After another 10 minutes she feels his finger slide into her PJ pants and then into her pink purse. And she gets excited and thinks he's finally decided, but when he takes his finger out turns the page and carries on reading she can't take it anymore!

"What are u doing!" she asks angrily.

"What u mean ?" he asks.

"You start fingering me then u stop, then u start again and stop, you're making me horny and driving me crazy!"

"Oh sorry love, I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page"

 

[mr_burns01]

A man is going away on a buisness trip and is worried that his wife will cheat on him while he's away and so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied.

He stops by at a sexshop on his way home the day before his buisness trip and asks the guy behind the counter for something that will keep his wife satisfied while he's away. The shop owner suggests a dildo.

The man looks at it for a while and eventually tells the shop owner.

"Im a big guy, and I think this might be too small, do u have anything else ?

The shop owner then hands the man a slightly bigger vibrator, but again the man is'nt satisfied.

"I need something that will stop her from cheating!"

The shop owner stares straight at the man then looks around and when the shop is empty asks the man to follow him into the back room.

The man walks through the beaded curtain and sees the shop owner standing on a little step ladder. He then climbs down with a big dusty wooden box with detailed carvings. He tells the man, "This is a VooDoo Dildo!"

"How does it work?" the man asks.

The shop owner opens the box and says "Voodoo Dildo the Key hole!" and immediately the dildo jumps out the box and flies straight at the keyhole where it starts banging away at it with unbelieveable speed and power.

"Wow thats amazing! How do u get it to stop?" asks the man

"Voodoo Dildo the box" says the shop owner and the dildo stops turns around and glides back to its original position in the velvet lined box. The man decides to buy it and pays the shop keeper.

That night after one last shag before his buisness trip he presents his wife with the Voodoo Dildo and explains how it works careful not to say the actual words. She is very pleased but is too tired to use it and puts it on her bedside table to use later.

He husband leaves the next morning and she goes off to work and when she gets home she remembers the dildo and immediately goes to her bedroom where she undresses and lies spread eagle on the bed.

"Voodoo Dildo my pussy" she whispers nervously.

The voodoo dildo jumps out the box and flies to her pussy where it slips in and starts banging away. She is so amazed and excited she has he first orgasm straight away and then another and another and another, eventually she is exhausted and wants to stop but in her state of bliss cant remember how to get it back in the box.

After at least an hour of orgasms she decides she'd better get to a hospital and see what they can do. So she puts on a skirt and shirt and staggers to her car with incredible orgasms washing over her all the time.

When she manages to get in the car she is moaning and groaning at the unbelievable pleasure this big Voodoo dildo is giving her. She then sets off for the hospital swerving all the way trying to keep the car on the road while she cums again and again. Its not long before a policeman sees and flips his lights and siren on to give chase. She decides she'd better stop and tell the policeman her situation and maybe he can help. The policeman get out of his car and walks up to her window where she is moaning and grinding her hips into the seat cumming all the time.

"what the hell is going on here!" he asks with a shocked look on his face.

"I can't help it officer its a Voodoo Dildo and its making me cum and I cant get it to stop, I'm trying to get to the hospital!"

The policeman looks at her suspiciously for a moment and then replies,


"Voodoo Dildo, my ASS!"

 

[mr_burns01]

Since i posted such a long one last time, i'll post a short one this time

A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down but the barman says
"I'm sorry we dont serve vegetables"

And the mushroom replies,
"But I'm a fun guy?"



(fun guy = fungi.... get it ?)

 

[MercyMia]

Hi, I don't have a joke today but I came in and read the last few posts and have chuckled so much! Laugher really is medicinal!

Thanks everyone!

 

[mr_burns01]

Panda

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich eats it then stands up takes out a revolver and fires 2 shots into the ceiling before walking towards the door.

The waiter stops him and asks "what did you do that for ?"
The panda hands him a wildlife manual and says "read this"

The waiter opens up the manual and reads

" Panda: Large black and white mammal, member of the bear family, eats shoots and leaves."

 

[ReadyOne]

The nature of Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

[ohmyyeah]

On December 24th at eleven o' clock p.m., a girl with a bathrobe on and a bikini underneath it comes downstairs to find Santa delivering presents to her and her family. Santa looks at her.
The Girl:
"Santa, will you please stay?"
Santa:
"Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."
The girl takes off her bathrobe.
The Girl:
"Oh, Santa will you please stay?"
Santa:
"Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."
The girl takes off the top part of the bikini.
The Girl:
"Santa, please?"
Santa:
"Ho, ho, ho. Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta deliver all the presents before it snows."
The girl takes off the bottom part of the bikini.
The Girl:
Oh, Santa, please?"
Santa:
Hey, hey, hey. Gotta stay, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with this pricker in the way!"

 

[ohmyyeah]

Did you hear that Santa is getting a divorce?

He got caught laying a doll under the tree last year.

 

[Gothgal]

Omg...I haven't had such a laugh in ages...these jokes are WAY cool!

 

[ReadyOne]

A chuckle for you computer literates out there in cyber space.

Eric asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at the cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've got MALE!!"

 

[Gothgal]

Once a upon a time there was a woman named A and a man named B. Their story was quite straightforward; they met each other, and fell in love, and had great sex afterwards. But they met their first problem at just three months into their relationship. B was a dog-lover you see, and naturally he had a Golden Retriever --wait a minute, is it spelled that way?-- called Lycan. B had him sent to his mother's house for keeping during his courtship of A because he didn't want anything to interfere in his pursuit. Now, with that over and done with, he got his dog back from his mother. But from that minute onwards, A discovered that she received less and less of B's attention. So, a plan for revenge formed in her mind. Bent on seeing it through, she went to the pet shop near their house and bought a Siamese cat. Then , whenever B wanted to talked to her, A pretended that she din't heard him and played with her cat. B put on with this treatment until one day, he finally snapped and yelled at A, "If you don't throw that bloody cat out, I'll break up with you!" But A merely stroked her cat and smirked at him. "What, don't you like my pussy?"

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks Gothgal

You've got a cute pussy there!

Ok, here's a quickie I got today:

Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week, courtesy of "sleroux":

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me THE EXACT WORDS that were used to put the curse on you."

Without hesitation, the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[Gothgal]

Re: Thanks Gothgal

Ok, here's a quickie I got today:

Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week, courtesy of "sleroux":

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me THE EXACT WORDS that were used to put the curse on you."

Without hesitation, the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife." [/B]

LOL. Good one, MF...

 

[Gothgal]

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

 

[MagicFingers]

Merry Christmakkah

And Fleas On Your Dad (Felis Navidad)

May you get everything your heart desires for Christmas.
See attached:

 

[MercyMia]

Ha ha ha! Thanks for the silly jokes, people!

Merry Christmas to us all

 

[MagicFingers]

Christmas presents

Reminds me of the girl who asked her mother for Barbie and GI Joe dolls for Christmas.

Her mom replied, "OK, but doesn't barbie come with Ken, not GI Joe?"

Daughter says, "No, Barbie PLAYS with Ken. She CUMs with GI JOE!"

 

[MagicFingers]

Serious scam warning--Don't ignore!!!

I usually don't like these pesky "warnings", but this one is important!

I hope I'm not too late.

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

 

[collegeguy7231]

Thanks

Thanks for the laughs... just spent an hour laughing and reading all 8 pages.... keep 'em cummin!!!

 

[MercyMia]

DIfferent Version of Old Joke

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[Guest]

 

[ReadyOne]

Subject: 10 Times A Virgin

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it is supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!"

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

 

[Guest]