How to make people laugh

[MagicFingers]

LJOTW

MercyMia, thanks, that was good. Here's a quickie follow-up to it.

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,

"Mommy, are these my brains?"

Mom said, "Not Yet."


And the LJOTW:
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

"Now that we've got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

 

[xDonkeyxPunchx]

heres a few good ones, now im not racist, but these jokes are..

what would martin luther kind jr be if he was whit?
alive

why did god give black men such big dicks?
because he felt bad for putting pubes on their heads

what does FUBU stand for?
Farmers useta beat us

why do black people have such big noses?
beacuse thats what god hung them by while he spray painted them

how long does it take for a black woman to take a shit?
9 months.

Why was the black kid affraid to take a shit?
He thought he was melting.

whats the difference between a pair of pants and a black man?
a pair of pants only has one fly on them.

whats the difference between a black man and a pizza?
a piczza can feed a family of five.

why is asprin white?
because you want it to work.

how do you save a black man from drowning?
take your foot off the back of his head.


and thats all i got.

 

[Honeysucklevine]

Big Smiles

]Originally posted by MagicFingers
I was beginning to think no one out there liked to smile. ...
I try to surround myself with funny people. I find a sense of humor super sexy! Thanks for starting this thread!

 

[Kissophile]

xDonkeyxPunchx, I wish you had not posted that last batch of short jokes. I found them to be in excessively poor taste. The members who post in this forum usually hold themselves to much higher standards than this.

 

[xDonkeyxPunchx]

xDonkeyxPunchx, I wish you had not posted that last batch of short jokes. I found them to be in excessively poor taste. The members who post in this forum usually hold themselves to much higher standards than this.

meh take them how you want, its only a joke not ment to be taken seriously.

 

[xDonkeyxPunchx]

top ten pickup lines for a pirate:

10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

 

[MagicFingers]

Confucious Say

Confuscious say


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* !
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best th!ing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

[juan tractor]

Never argue with an asshole:

People might not know the difference...

 

[BeachLovers]

Two Classic Subjects -- Nuns and Golf

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"Mother Superior, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line over the fairway and straight down to the ground after only 100 yards."

"And that's when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"And THAT'S when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior impatiently.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole...."

The young nun looked down, and the two of them sat in silence for a moment.

Mother Superior sighed, and said:
"You missed the f*#&ing putt, didn't you?"

 

[MercyMia]

Three Eskimos

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.

"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FAAAARRRRTTT". The third Eskimo won.

 

[Honeysucklevine]

Re: Confucious Say

Confuscious say


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* !
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best th!ing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ooooo, thanks for the qiggles. Those are funny.

 

[MagicFingers]

You're welcome Honeysucklevine

Hmmm, makes me remember when I was growing up, sucking the honey out of those little buds, one little bit at a time on my tongue. Yum.

LJOTW
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

 

[ReadyOne]

Naughtily ever after.....

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, ... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

 

[bobsgirl]

 

[kinky_str8_guy]

JOKE: An elderly man isn't feeling well...

This is one of my favorite jokes... not just because it's very funny... but because it was told to me by my wife's grandmother: she must have been 80+yo when she told me this joke but she still had that twinkle in her eye and a love of life... she's gone now but she'll always be one of my favorite ladies.

______________________________

An elderly man isn't feeling well... he feels progressively worse each day but he's absolutely terrified about going to see the doctor.

The illness is becoming a serious concern to the man affecting his health even more... his wife of 62 years finally persuades him to go to see a doctor... but he'll only go if she'll accompany him and if following his exam/tests she'll talk to the doctor and get the prognosis and break the news to him in her own gentle way.

She agrees.

They go to the doctor... they explain to the doctor how they want the prognosis to be revealed to the wife who will then inform her husband... the doctor agrees saying that because he has lab facilities in the same building and the tests are relatively simple that they can get the progonis within an hour of the exam if that would help... they both agree that this is the best way to proceed. The man submits to all of the indignities of medical exams and then retires to the lobby where his long-suffering wife awaits him... they wait together and just as was predicted, and hour later the lab results arrive and are delivered directly to the doctor... within 15 minutes the doctor comes out and invites the woman into his office. The man looks loving at his wife as she disappears into the doctor's office.

Once the doctor and the old woman have been seated, the doctor starts... he says "your husband is a very sick man... but he's a very lucky man to have been born when whe was... 5 years ago there wouldn't have been anything that we could do for his condition and he'd have been gone in just a few months. Today we have medicine that will alleviate the symptoms of his disease making it almost as if he had never been taken ill... unfortunately, the medicine is expensive and double unfortunately no insurance plan covers it... the medicine only works if the patient is fed 3 hot home-cooked meals a day, if he has sex at least twice a day, and if he sleeps on newly laundered linens each night and has a completely new set of clothes each morning... we don't quite understand why these additional things are required but testing has shown them to be essential... in fact absolutely necessary if the medicine is to have any effect."

The old woman says nothing and leaves the doctors office.

Upon entering the lobby her husband excitedly asks about his condition... his wife replies "you're gonna die".

 

[MercyMia]

ReadyOne, that was hilarious!

 

[MercyMia]

A Bit of Toilet Humor...

***********

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL!" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the
drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."

The drunk replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."

 

[ReadyOne]

One night a cop was patrolling a well-known parking spot when he saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. As he got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and knocked on the window.

The young man lowered his window and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a PC magazine."

Pointing toward the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged. "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night, doing nothing but reading and knitting!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks, ReadyOne

That was funny. Good thing you posted it here on the HT forum. In some other ones, you'd have been flamed for posting about underage girls and told to wait 20 minutes to post!
OK, no more political comments.

Gentle Thoughts...

Birds of a feather flock together.........
and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle............
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself .

If you can't be kind............... at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL".

 

[MagicFingers]

Bear in Bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."


..........You're gonna love this..........


The bartender says, "You are now.. That was a barbitchyouate"

 

[TempWife]

Husband and Wife have been married for 30 years and for 30
years the husband has insisted on having sex with the lights out.

The Wife thinks this is ridiculous and is determined to make some changes.

The next night husband and wife are having sex with the lights out, in the midst of having sex the wife suddenly turns the light on.

To her surprise she looks down and realizes that her husband is using a dildo on her!

In utter shock she says " I want an explanation and I want it NOW!"

The husband calmly looks at his wife and says:



"I'll explain the dildo, if you'll explain the kids"

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks, TempWife

Made me smile.
That AV is hot - you look good enough to eat.
Just wondering, do you have a husband-in-law?

And now, this is for and by MercyMia. Thanks.
Here is the joke I wanted to post. Would you mind posting it for me?
Thank you.

Mexican Marriage
Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry verysoon.
She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said,
"Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling.
Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your
half-brothers."
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "My darling, do what makes you happy.
Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa.
__________________

 

[MercyMia]

Thanks for posting the joke for me, Magic Fingers That bumped this thread back into my line of vision.

 

[ReadyOne]

A Wall Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband......

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

She say "Wow!" and goes on to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me! So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and
have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Wall Mart's Husband Store - have a nice day.

 

[four]

Great thread, ill add a joke. I hope it hasnt been told yet

okay lets start:

Joe's life was ruined by Carl. Joe once was a succesful businessman, but carl bankrupted him and ran him out of business. Now Joe is a poor homeless bum on the beach.

So one day Joe was walking down the beach and he saw a shiny object. He picked it up and found out it was an old fasioned lamp. No sonner did he touch it than a huge genie poped out.

"For freeing me fromt his lamp i will grant you three wishes, but be warned anything you wish for will be granted two fold to your worst enemy"

Joe thinks for a while and says "Okay, for my frist wish i want to be rich and have a huge mansion"

"It is done" and before his eyes a huge mansion appears on the beach. "Your enemy Carl now has a mansion twice the size of this" said the genie.

"OKay, for my second wish i want to have twenty beautiful women to serve and pleasure me"

"It is done" And suddenly 20 beautiful women appear near his new house waving at him. "Now your enemy Carl has 40 women to please and serve him" said the genie

Joe then took a moment to think, and then said "For my final wish I want you to remove one of my testicles"