How to make people laugh

[Xectxny19X]

hehe, I LOVE this thread!

 

[MagicFingers]

Older & Wiser

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of
his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,


"I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old men can still think fast.

 

[Xectxny19X]

Re: Re: Re: I hope you have not SAID or HEARD these!

Yep
Cute poem, NaughtyLil

Man, Ostrich, Cat:
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same" And the cat says "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll
have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it", says the cat. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.

" That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

OMG, I love this thread. That was FUNNY!

 

[blue112]

A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor."
The husband replies, "That's not possible."

The wife insists, "Well, there is water in the carburetor."

"You cannot have water in the carburetor," says the husband.

"Well," says the wife, "my car has it."

The husband gets up and sighs, "Okay, fine. Where is the car?"

The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."

 

[MercyMia]

A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor."
The husband replies, "That's not possible."

The wife insists, "Well, there is water in the carburetor."

"You cannot have water in the carburetor," says the husband.

"Well," says the wife, "my car has it."

The husband gets up and sighs, "Okay, fine. Where is the car?"

The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."

LOL!!!!!!!

 

[MagicFingers]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

(No, I'm not prejudiced. I like mexicans, italians, blondes, bikers, old people, yuppies, hillbillies, etc. So don't get in a huff. Enjoy!)
(Lawyers and judges- well, their record speaks for itself.)

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

[MercyMia]

Hello Everyone!

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

[MercyMia]

(No, this didnt happen to me but I'm passing it on from some one else)

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan.
I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to
friends on the job.
How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked
the second most stupid question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that
paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and
answered, "Yes."

 

[Lynxie]

Re: (No, this didnt happen to me but I'm passing it on from some one else)

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan.
I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to
friends on the job.
How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked
the second most stupid question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that
paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and
answered, "Yes."

I'm curious... what's the first most stupid question you've ever heard?

Well...I just noticed you're just passing this one on...damn.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

From Richard Prior...

Honey? I want some pussy I've never had before.

Dear? If you had three more inches of dick you'd have pussy you never had before.

 

[MercyMia]

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.

Words of wisdom

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never
know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[MercyMia]

Kids!

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in
a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance,
falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife
hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the
bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A little girl
raised her hand and said,

"To draw out all his savings?"

 

[blue112]

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?"

 

[Raimondin]

Fairy Tail

How can you make a gay man scream?
Fuck him real hard.
Then wipe your dick on his curtains!





(Please. Meant in good humor as I'm gay myself)

 

[ReadyOne]

ON MARRIAGE

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

 

[MercyMia]

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have eight to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?"

Hey, these jokes should come with a warning! I just about drowned my laptop with a mouthful of water when I read this one!!!

 

[Bobmi357]

Once upon a time there was this drunk sitting in his car in an alley behind a playboy club. As the drunk watched, this white lincoln continental drove up to the rear entrance of the club and a tall black man dressed in a white tux stepped out and walked over to the entrance. He was sharp looking, tux, top hat, even a white carnation in his lapel.

A few moments later one of the bunnies came out of the building. The black man approached her and asked "Tickle your ass with a feather?".

The bunny sputtered indignantly and demanded he repeat himself. The black man points skyward and replies "Particularily nice weather!". The bunny looked confused for a moment, then shrugged said "Yah it is" and walked off.

The drunk watched as the black man repeated this three more times with bunnies coming off duty until one replied "Your place or mine?". At which point they hopped into his lincoln and drove off.

Now the drunk thinks "ive gotta get me sum of dish!". So he stumbles from his car, shoves a cubs baseball cap on his head and pulls out a dandylion from between some nearby crack and stuffs it in his shirt pocket. With a stumbling gait he makes his way to the rear entrance door to await the next bunny coming off duty.

A few short moments later a bunny appears at the door. The drunk stumbles up to her and says;

"Tic tic hic tickle yer ash wif a featha?"

The bunny looks at him and hisses. "What did you say?"

The drunk replies;

"Partica... pratics partica.. lookit da fuckin clouds!"

 

[Bobmi357]

Christmas is cancelled this year. They found Joseph's confession.

 

[Bobmi357]

Once upon a time there was a small village where the people lived peacefully and happily.

This continued for several years until a religious order of Friars from a nearby monasty decided to open up a florist shop in the town. Several of the towns children broke into the florist shop and were eaten by a man eating plant kept in the back of the shop.

The townspeople were outraged. They called upon the town blacksmith, Hugh to help them chase out the Friars.

Hugh led a huge crowd to the florist shop and the friars, in fear for their lives, fled the town never to be seen again.

The moral of this sad tale is Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

 

[Kissophile]

Once upon a time there was a small village where the people lived peacefully and happily.

This continued for several years until a religious order of Friars from a nearby monasty decided to open up a florist shop in the town. Several of the towns children broke into the florist shop and were eaten by a man eating plant kept in the back of the shop.

The townspeople were outraged. They called upon the town blacksmith, Hugh to help them chase out the Friars.

Hugh led a huge crowd to the florist shop and the friars, in fear for their lives, fled the town never to be seen again.

The moral of this sad tale is Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

Bobmi, this makes me think my work here is done.

Might I suggest an emergency supply source: http://www.badpuns.com/

Enjoy!

 

[MercyMia]

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard,
and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

 

[MercyMia]

bumpity bump

(Came in looking for something to laugh about...sigh)

 

[MagicFingers]

What kind of sex do YOU get?

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it
over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

I hope you all have the kind of sex you WANT to have!

 

[ReadyOne]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[MagicFingers]

circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around, scratching his
crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to phone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room. She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom." she
screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that
if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and
pick me up from school."