How to make people laugh

[MercyMia]

Top ten comments made by sports commentators that they would
like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk
Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch
this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I
once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely,
truly unique, except for the one behind it, which is exactly
identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,
and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that
serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that
nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of
the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes
out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?"

 

[ReadyOne]

A man is stranded in a snow storm and desperately looking for a place to sleep. He visits all the hotels in town and naturally found the all full.

Finally he finds a boarding house where the manager takes pity and tells him that there is a single unused bed in the house.

"But", the landlord says, "there is another guy in the room who snores increadable loud. The only way I can rent the room next to his is that I have a deaf woman for a boarder. You certainly won't be able to sleep with him!"

The man is exhausted and agrees to share the room with the snorer. The next morning he appears at breakfast brigha nd cheerful obviously haven gotten a good night's sleep.

Amazed, the landlord asked "how could you possibly have slept with that snorer?"

"Well", the man replied, "when I got to the room I went over, called the man 'honey dear', and planted a big wet sloppy kiss on him. The guy then sat up all night watching for me to make another move on him!"

 

[bobsgirl]

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes
out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just
said?"

I remember seeing a clip from the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson where Arnold himself was telling that story.

Johnny's reply? "I'll bet that made his putter stand up."

 

[MercyMia]

Sorry, not a joke here but about laughter

I remember seeing a clip from the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson where Arnold himself was telling that story.

Johnny's reply? "I'll bet that made his putter stand up."

hi bobsgirl

You know...I'd read articles about therapeutic laughter. There's one form of yoga where practitioners laugh for 30 minutes a day, not at anything in particular, but just go through the physical motions of laughter. It's supposed to be very cleansing and supposed to activate endorphins and all that good stuff. This morning, I went for a walk in a nearby park. There was a group of older people (about 6 or 7) standing around in a circle and laughing. They started out by just going ho ho ho, ha ha ha! Then pretty soon, they were really laughing, expelling air from their bellies. It was sort of strange to see but made me wish I had my own laughing group like that!

 

[MagicFingers]

Re: Sorry, not a joke here but about laughter

hi bobsgirl

You know...I'd read articles about therapeutic laughter. There's one form of yoga where practitioners laugh for 30 minutes a day, not at anything in particular, but just go through the physical motions of laughter. It's supposed to be very cleansing and supposed to activate endorphins and all that good stuff. This morning, I went for a walk in a nearby park. There was a group of older people (about 6 or 7) standing around in a circle and laughing. They started out by just going ho ho ho, ha ha ha! Then pretty soon, they were really laughing, expelling air from their bellies. It was sort of strange to see but made me wish I had my own laughing group like that!

I think laughter is very theraputic. That's one of the reasons I started this thread. EVERYONE needs laughter in their lives. We all have way too much seriousness to deal with.
I would love to join a laughing group like that one. Sounds like fun.
Thanks for the good jokes!

Bobsgirl, I believe, if memory serves me, that it was Mrs. Arnold Palmer on the Tonight show when Johnny asked her the famous question and she answered about kissing his balls before every tournament.

Don't remember it this has been posted, but here goes:

Choke

Never choke in a restaurant in the South...


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

" Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

 

[MercyMia]

Re: Re: Sorry, not a joke here but about laughter

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

LOL, MagicFingers. This one caught me off guard!

 

[ReadyOne]

Understanding How Engineers Think:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

 

[MercyMia]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free
sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
3. You were close, but no free sex this time.

" As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged - my wife won
twice last week."

 

[ReadyOne]

How did you diE?

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. " How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first, "says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

 

[MercyMia]

I posted this in a thread by kitiara...my apologies to all nuns...

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she

passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to

classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good

morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning,

Mother Superior, may God be with you."



But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,

"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."



This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.



A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the

Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.



She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica,

may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."



But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the

wrong side of bed today."



Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an

irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.



Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary

approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather

deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on

her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm

so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and

grants you a wonderful day."



"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got upon

the wrong side of bed this morning."



Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I

have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have

said that about me."



Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the

face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're

wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

 

[bobsgirl]

I posted this in a thread by kitiara...my apologies to all nuns...

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she

passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to

classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good

morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning,

Mother Superior, may God be with you."



But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,

"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."



This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.



A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the

Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.



She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica,

may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."



But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the

wrong side of bed today."



Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an

irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.



Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary

approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather

deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on

her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm

so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and

grants you a wonderful day."



"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got upon

the wrong side of bed this morning."



Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I

have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have

said that about me."



Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the

face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're

wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

You naughty girl.

 

[MercyMia]

You naughty girl.

Soweeee, bobsgirl!

 

[Wizard]

Recived this pic in an e-mail at work today.........




It said " I think my wife is fooling around on me but I can't be sure"


All us guys at work saw the pic and busted out laughing.....


Enjoy.....

 

[MercyMia]

Recived this pic in an e-mail at work today.........




It said " I think my wife is fooling around on me but I can't be sure"


All us guys at work saw the pic and busted out laughing.....


Enjoy.....

That's a *great* picture!

 

[Wizard]

That's a *great* picture!

I thought it was pretty good........

Man would it suck to find that on your car.....

 

[bobsgirl]

Recived this pic in an e-mail at work today.........




It said " I think my wife is fooling around on me but I can't be sure"


All us guys at work saw the pic and busted out laughing.....


Enjoy.....

Oops.


Damn, I MEANT to get to the carwash...

 

[ReadyOne]

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in ront of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

[H0wl]

Recived this pic in an e-mail at work today.........




It said " I think my wife is fooling around on me but I can't be sure"


All us guys at work saw the pic and busted out laughing.....


Enjoy.....

I saw that one in a post Craigs List too...*laughs*

Some good text to go with it

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Recived this pic in an e-mail at work today.........




It said " I think my wife is fooling around on me but I can't be sure"


All us guys at work saw the pic and busted out laughing.....


Enjoy.....

Bwahahahaha!!!

 

[MagicFingers]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I just love this one. An oldie but one of the "greats".


Why did the chicken cross the road?


GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision ! a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned tha! t the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

 

[JennyRocks]

Tell some more jokes

 

[ReadyOne]

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

[MagicFingers]

Jenny Rocks!

For you:


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first somewhat-portly mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, wearing an expensive fur coat; "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Mercedes."

He turns to the third Mom, who was somewhat inebriated; "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, who was wearing a skintight leather skirt, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[MercyMia]

A little toilet humor

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL!" and farts
loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the
drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."

The drunk replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."

 

[MercyMia]

Stop me if you've heard this one...

LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?", she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
........
.......
......
.....
......
......
.....


"We're down here."