How to get over fear/shame around sex?

[PantsAndPencils]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

 

[12oclocktales]

Rule No. 1: Don’t start off by apologizing for something you haven’t even done yet. At least wait until you screw something up.

Rule No. 2: Screw those brain goblins, just kick them right the hell out of your thoughts right now. No sexy babe worth her salt ever had a friggin brain goblin, EVER.

Rule No. 3: Forget Rule #2, at least for the time being, and just be yourself. Yeah, you’ve heard that a million times already, and now a million-and-one. Confidence comes with making mistakes and how you deal with them; it’s great to be wary, but not outright fearful. Keep looking forward. Stay true to yourself, know exactly where you draw the line for the situations you’re seeking, and have fun.

 

[J_Bone]

First, don't beat yourself up over what you're attempting to overcome as it's all too common and you're certainly not alone. Second, just try to come to the realization that there's nothing wrong with sexual urges/desires and physical as well as mental pleasure derived various sexual stimulation despite whatever hangups might stem from upbringing, religion, etc. That part, I understand, is probably easier said than done, at least on a whim, but should be able to be achieved over time by just slowly changing your mindset in regards to sex and the pleasure it brings.

Then also, communication is vastly important, sharing with a lover your thoughts, reservations/boundaries, as well as those sexual desires you know you have as well as those you may find along the way. Having a patient, attentive lover who is willing to listen and learn with you along the way helps tremendously. Letting a lover know through not only actions and cues, but through actual words what works, what doesn't, what feels good, what you want to try, what you want more of, whether during or pre/post sexual activity, not only helps, but is sexy as hell.....especially during!

Lastly, build your confidence, whether it be regarding your body or just being confident overall in your sexuality. I can't reiterate what a turn-on a sexually confident woman who is comfortable with her body and sexuality despite any imperfections, perceived or otherwise. You mention loosening up (AKA letting go). And realizing that you're desirable and sexy and losing any inhibitions will help a ton in that regard.

Finally, have fun! Like many other things in life, our sexual awakening and/or growth is a journey, albeit a really, really fun one. Good luck!!

 

[yukonnights]

My advice is to take the words of J Bone above and run with it.

To my way of thinking, there is nothing sexual that can be wrong or taboo so long as the participants are in agreement.

 

[AchtungNight]

Read more stories about the subject. Hookup stories online. Polyamory manuals like The Ethical Slut in the mainstream. Not the popular mags like Cosmo or Playboy, they increase the angst more than erode it in my experience. See sex as a pleasure, not a chore. Best of all, find the right partner to ease you into it.

 

[fire_breeze]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

Nothing to apologise for, and welcome to Lit

You have received some solid advice from the posters above: there is nothing wrong with having sexual desires and to be sexual, however form that takes. Also, what does being sexual mean for you at this time? For some people, it’s exploring with various partners, experimenting with different techniques, or even just relaxing and spending time with one single partner. If you feel pressured to be sexual with multiple people when you aren’t hardwired to sleep around, or if you are being pressured to be tied up when that isn’t your kink, or whatever, then that’s not being sexual. So, ask yourself what being sexual means to you and what are you comfortable with doing and entertaining, and what squicks you?

I’d also like point to the fact that you have mentioned that one of those brain goblins—excellent term, by the way—is caused by personal baggage. Have you sought insight and help, preferably professional, to address said baggage? All the confidence in the world and flipping societal and cultural norms won’t amount to much without navigating personal baggage. It’s kinda important. I get some people shy away from therapy, but a good therapist will work with you and your style to help you fill your toolbox with the necessary resources, tools, and support to equip you to handle any baggage.

I’d also like to reiterate the point made by @J_Bone Communication. Communicate communicate communicate. This may be the hardest part to learn, but it’s also crucially important in your exploration and your sexual life. If a partner doesn’t want to communicate or makes you feel uncomfortable with communicating, or any of the above: sprint away. Seriously. Don’t walk or run. Just sprint.

Good luck

 

[PantsAndPencils]

Nothing to apologise for, and welcome to Lit

You have received some solid advice from the posters above: there is nothing wrong with having sexual desires and to be sexual, however form that takes. Also, what does being sexual mean for you at this time? For some people, it’s exploring with various partners, experimenting with different techniques, or even just relaxing and spending time with one single partner. If you feel pressured to be sexual with multiple people when you aren’t hardwired to sleep around, or if you are being pressured to be tied up when that isn’t your kink, or whatever, then that’s not being sexual. So, ask yourself what being sexual means to you and what are you comfortable with doing and entertaining, and what squicks you?

I’d also like point to the fact that you have mentioned that one of those brain goblins—excellent term, by the way—is caused by personal baggage. Have you sought insight and help, preferably professional, to address said baggage? All the confidence in the world and flipping societal and cultural norms won’t amount to much without navigating personal baggage. It’s kinda important. I get some people shy away from therapy, but a good therapist will work with you and your style to help you fill your toolbox with the necessary resources, tools, and support to equip you to handle any baggage.

I’d also like to reiterate the point made by @J_Bone Communication. Communicate communicate communicate. This may be the hardest part to learn, but it’s also crucially important in your exploration and your sexual life. If a partner doesn’t want to communicate or makes you feel uncomfortable with communicating, or any of the above: sprint away. Seriously. Don’t walk or run. Just sprint.

Good luck

Hah, I feel like the point about therapy is good advice that keeps coming up for me. I do already talk to someone in that regard, about general stuff, but she hasn't exactly been the most in-tune when I've brought up things about sexuality. Idk, maybe I should seek out someone separate for that.

 

[AchtungNight]

Hah, I feel like the point about therapy is good advice that keeps coming up for me. I do already talk to someone in that regard, about general stuff, but she hasn't exactly been the most in-tune when I've brought up things about sexuality. Idk, maybe I should seek out someone separate for that.

Sex therapy is a specific field. A therapist has to be qualified in it to be comfortable with discussing sexuality. And the official ethics prohibit a therapist actually having sexual relations with their clients. Ruleskirters exist, of course. Good luck finding one, it’s worth it. You can also become one yourself.

 

[Marshmallow_Lit]

I dealt with some issues of shame and it helped me to think of myself as a friend/lover. If a friend or lover confided in me they felt shamed to enjoy sex -- If they were ashamed to move in certain ways, or make sounds... what would I say to them? Wouldn't I want them to feel good and express themselves? Then I applied that to myself.

It's a workaround that might not help everyone, but it did help me. <3

 

[anythymeofday]

I think so many of us can identify with your post. I came to Lit so many years ago because I couldn’t (or was too afraid) to express my sexuality in the everyday. I am still learning and working on that part. I am a recovering good girl Catholic, so shame has been a stronghold as I’ve learned how to express myself sexually.

Continuing to learn how to embrace my body, my pleasure, what sexuality means to me and “meeting”/talking openly with likeminded people has helped me work through the guilt piece and helped me to find my voice. I’ll echo what others have said about communication. Finding genuine connections was a crucial part of that for me - and there really can be genuine connections made here.

Be kind to and patient with yourself. And keep reaching out - with professionals and the community here, many available helping hands. (Innuendo intended, if you so choose. )

 

[jehoram]

I am a recovering good girl Catholic, so shame has been a stronghold as I’ve learned how to express myself sexually.

I think there are a lot of Catholics in recovery here. In my own social circle, I'm surprised to find how many "lapsed" Catholics in there.

All I can say is, God/Goddess gave each of us a penis or a clitoris, and deriving pleasure from it must have been part of some divine plan. So how can we be dishonoring that plan by taking advantage of what it can give us?

 

[LarryTee50]

Lit is an excellent place to allow your kink flag to fly. I agree with all the above that consent everything. After mutual consent, the sky's the limit for the kind of fun one can have.
One more very important rule: don't take yourself or any of us too seriously.

 

[curioustxn]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

Introspection - - you need to do some soul-searching and decide who you want to be, and what you want out of life. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, (including yourself), and you are happy with who you are as a person, there are no wrong paths in life.

As far as social/cultural hang-ups? Do you really want society telling you how to live your Life? It's your life, not theirs.

As far as personal baggage? Personal baggage that is of no benefit to you, let it go. And baggage that you can't let go, put things in perspective.

Life is rarely as complicated as we want to make it.........

You appear to be female. If that is the case, a bit of male advice: Don't fight battles that you can't win. Let the hurt go, and move on with your life. All the past can do is drag you down.

 

[SloBlo69]

Easy does it, don't rush into anything ur not comfortable with, however most importantly, grow lots of self confidence, kind of c urself as a primadonna. You know, nobody was good at anything until trying & playing around with ideas. Also, a gr8 open minded partner adds enormously to the fun you have in mind. Have casual convo about ur likes, dislikes, desires - this helps an awful lot also let's u know if the partner ur with is on the same page as you. Always good to speak to someone, however if they not giving added, helpful or positive advice, what's the use chatting to them trying to find a solution. Life's sexual choices is always YOUR choice, YOUR pace, YOUR enjoyment ..... ALWAYS

 

[BackwoodsMama]

Hah, I feel like the point about therapy is good advice that keeps coming up for me. I do already talk to someone in that regard, about general stuff, but she hasn't exactly been the most in-tune when I've brought up things about sexuality. Idk, maybe I should seek out someone separate for that.

If you’re not feeling like your therapist is showing up for your goals around sexuality, it’s probably time to find someone new. A sex therapist could be helpful but not necessary. There are plenty of qualified folks who can handle helping you work through whatever you’re wanting to. Before going to someone new, specifically ask them if they are comfortable with that.

There are a few great books out there that I think all people who have sex should read. The best one is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It’s phenomenal and I think speaks to a lot of what you’re looking for. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat more. I love taking to people about shedding the bullshit society puts on us women.

 

[LarryTee50]

Getting through the guilt shame crap has been a long journey for me. At 73 I finally feel like I'm somewhat erotically in tune.
My spiritual path is Paganism and our primary mantra is "And you harm no one, do what you will." My sexual panorama is vast and beautiful and vibrant.
I have a couple of friends on Lit who enjoy "shame play". It's fun and healing , but may not be for everyone.

 

[cdstefi]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

I'm no therapist, but my 2c worth would be to ask if you masturbate and enjoy your body for yourself first?

I'm a guy so obviously have masturbated since I could first maintain an erection, but getting over a sense of shame about having kinks that turned me on took longer, as in most of society crossdressing is still regarded as somewhere between outright perversion and a joke and unmanly. It took a lot of looking at myself in the mirror and actively visualising myself as a self-possessed, sexual and sexy human to get over that feeling of shame and seediness, but I did and am fortunate to have a life partner who accepts and enjoys me as that kinky sexy person now.

 

[AchtungNight]

Another tip I will give is to write stories about people getting over their shame and guilt related to sex. Getting emotional hang-ups out of your head through your characters works. At least it has for me.

In a pinch, write about the most disturbing sexual experiences in your past and how they made you feel. The therapy can calm you down.

 

[NancyPan]

IMHO: To overcome shame we need to realize that there are others who feel like we do and who have sexual needs, desires, and fetishes like ours. We need to be able to express these desires to another human being and feel acceptance, understanding, and hopefully even love. As long as we think our fantasies are too horrible to be verbalized and accepted by someone who loves us, we will hold them in shame.

 

[Alwayshope]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

Great question. I too have hang ups. I just want to have sex with no strings. Purely for enjoyment.

 

[CuttingEdge]

@PantsAndPencils A lot of people may say, "Just go for it", and while they mean well, personality types come into play a lot here. A rather shy person cannot just suddenly be bold because they are told by someone who is, to be bold. It just does not help.

I believe to be more sexual, you should feel more sexual, and the good news is, you can really do that easily where you are now.

Maybe you came from a religion where a lady has to wear skirts down to her ankles, well try wearing one at the knees. If you already do, then try a miniskirt, or wear a skirt without leggings! What lady needs an excuse to buy shoes, get some sexy ones like high heels, or tease with some Keds and get a girl-next-door look thing going! Or wear a top with an extra button undone.

My point here is not really "do this, and get that", but in trying to let you see, no matter where you are at, just be a bit bolder! It will do wonders in making you feel more sexual, and that will build confidence, but in a way that you feel you are in control. You need not blazingingly get naked in public, or do crazy things sexually right off the bat in the bedroom. Just ease towards boldness more.

You got this! (Just in baby steps and that is okay)

 

[Superfungurl]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

Here's how from someone who did that, massively. You need to make yourself understand...and I do at a level you would never imagine but so can you...and this is not a philosophy or belief system, this is pure knowledge...you need to make yourself understand exactly how predatory, how exploitative, how dangerous, how reptilian, and how so evil in so many ways, just the process of gaining that knowledge turns you (quite necessarily) into something no longer human...not better than humans, but not at all worse than humans...just not. Then and maybe only then...maybe there are other means...you become invincible NOT because of anything that can be perceived by any outside agency...meaning not a single entity will ever see it unless you choose to reveal it to them...but because you've gone where few dare tread.

For instance, tonight...tonight is going to be HOPEFULLY the most important moment of my existence...I hope...because I am having The Conversation, or will attempt to nothing is predictable, there. This is not something you walk into lightly and if you have one microgram of fear, I'm sorry. It's one thing to even go there, but there are many...not a huge percent in terms of the population but many in terms of mere numbers...who have gone there at least once and a decent percentage go back. But...nothing of anything is ever equal...except photons...and I am going to have...The Conversation. And the method of launch? 50 mg DMT, and this time I'm finally going to ask the entities what I really want to know, what they've been dancing around and....20-30 minutes later (using spacetime measurement), I will know more on the exact date, time, and manner of my own....personal midnight and learn the last bit on why they said last time it would change millions which is why it has to be so...damn...violent. Not to any other thing, but...that's the last piece required to you know...make sure everything goes correctly which is...needless to say....duh, critical. And after that you're going to feel..."shame" or "fear" about...anything!? Not anything OF or NOT OF this Earth, my friend! I mean, I am NOT God, but I understand God...and it's nothing that is explainable by myself...THEY can explain it if you ask but, you might want engage in some "creative thinking" before just asking question because you WILL get an answer. You will get THE answer. If I could tell you more, I would and the "if" isn't permission...it's outside my capabilities.

 

[Wishes78]

Some really good advice here already but I just want to add this.

Don't feed the brain goblins.

Really, they are like internet trolls, if you feed them, give them attention, they will grow. It's a medatitive/CBT type thing to master. I used to wrestle with mine, tell them they were wrong, try to banish them. This seems very hard and feeds them, they still throw thoughts my way that I have to work through in order to refute them.

Now I handle them differently, I tend to try acknowledge the thought, and write it off... "Oh that's just goblin x again" "Oh it's just radio doom and gloom". I find by not fighting them, and not giving them any more thought than that, they have much less power over me. This interrupts them, it allows me to treat these thoughts as background noise that doesn't require attention.

 

[newhere2learn]

(First time posting something so sorry if I get it wrong.)

I want to learn to be more comfortable in expressing myself sexually and engaging in sexual activity. I can tell that I have an honest desire to be sexual, but I’ve got these awful brain goblins (societal/cultural hang-ups, as well as personal baggage) that get in my way and make it hard to enjoy myself and actually go after what I want.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to loosen up, to shed my fears and self-consciousness, and to feel comfortable and safe in exploring my sexual side?

My GF is exactly the same as yourself, to the point she puts a pillow over her face during oral. And lights dim/off.

Open and honest discussion has improved things, and she also has counselling for the generic MH issues/hang ups.

By all means pm if you want specifics.

 

[CalebZhass]

Hah, I feel like the point about therapy is good advice that keeps coming up for me. I do already talk to someone in that regard, about general stuff, but she hasn't exactly been the most in-tune when I've brought up things about sexuality. Idk, maybe I should seek out someone separate for that.

As someone who has their own demons to fight, I can only tell you this:

It sounds cliche, but it's all rooted in childhood trauma. At the core of our behaviors are "patterns/schemas", that we learn between the age of 3 and 7 IIRC. These patterns then get refined between 8 and 14 or so and finally burned in by the time we reach about 20. If we are exposed to the wrong stimuli during this time, we can learn bad patterns, or have good patterns be distorted. This can then later manifest in things like: fear of the other gender, inability to form personal connections, unwillingness to open one's self to others, fear of rejection, etc...

A therapist can help identify these malformed patterns and more importantly, they can help find ways to overcome/unlearn them.

Obviously something that's engraved into our brains from a young age, we can't just turn off overnight, so problems like this are simply things we can learn to control, but they never really go away. I've beaten some of my demons already, but they are still there, I just learned to consciously suppress them. Doing that on your own is possible, if you are good with self-reflection and have a very supportive environment for the kind of problem you have. Thing is, what you need depends on the problem. I've beaten demons of self-esteem and the thought of always being judged through being exposed to an environment with lots of positive feedback, that allowed me to put two and two together and suppress the negative thoughts.

When it comes to something else, say the fear of making intimate relationships, the same environment is no help there, so that'll need a different approach.

If someone is afraid of being rejected, there's no way around it, but going out there and trying, but damn.. that's a big thing to ask of someone, and telling you that "you just have to go out and take the risk. you'll get rejected, but that's okay, you just try again" is pointless. If someone is afraid of heights, no amount of talking is going to get them to go up to the top of a tall and frightening tower. They have to reach a point, where they can reduce their fear enough to make the first steps and once there, they can hopefully (if they keep getting positive feedback, like not falling and breaking their legs) gradually improve from there, taking it further and further.

Having people with whom you can openly and freely discuss this is an absolute necessity and if you have those people in your life, then that's cool, but a therapist can still help by not just providing an understanding ear and supporting / motivating voice, but also by having an actual understanding of what it is you are going through and why.

Point of the rambling above: definitely find a sexual therapist, if you feel that your problems are rooted in your thoughts. The difference between the two really is that a sexual therapist is more qualified / focused to solve problems surrounding sexuality and intimacy, whereas a regular therapist is more about the general life stuff, like burnouts and the likes. At least that's my understanding of the difference