How to get some flavor in a vanilla bedroom?

[ZfrkS62]

Who managed to get some flavor in their boring bedroom?

Sex is a bare minimum activity and not very interesting.

No foreplay unless I go down on her. Once a year when she finally returns the favor, it's the least inspired, 60 second lick job she can muster.

I'm bordering on a sexless marriage, but she puts out just shit the time my frustration is peaking. Conversations about it are short and full of excuses. Usually ends with "I'm fine being boring"

Who's managed to fix this in their marriages?

 

[BackwoodsMama]

There is so much that contributes to a successful and mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. How healthy, fun and fulfilling is your relationship outside the bedroom?

 

[KatieDoes]

What she^ said.

Women fly our freak flags when we feel safe to do so. What actions are you taking to enhance the emotional connection? How do you ensure that she feels safe and valued and heard when it’s about things outside the bedroom? What sort of fun things do you plan to do together that aren’t sexual?

 

[BackwoodsMama]

Katie nailed it!

Additionally, ideas/beliefs/past experiences all contribute to sexual freedom as well. Lots of folks have lots of garbage to unpack around sex. So many of us (particularly women) are taught to be a certain way. It’s usually not to have fun with sex and embrace sexual freedoms and fun. That is a hard thing to unlearn.

 

[ZfrkS62]

The bedroom was mild at the peak of the relationship, when we would go to MLS games, or playing in her coworkers co-rec soccer league, but the last few years, especially after the pandemic, things have been ok at best. She was more adventurous (pictures, porn in the background, lingerie) and physical when we were dating and long distance, but stopped kissing me with any kind of passion shortly after we moved in together. The other fun stuff slowly disappeared as well. The answer i got when i asked about it last year was "It was new and i was trying."

I don't think sex was ever discussed one way or another in her family growing up, and I am willing to bet that I had a more repressive upbringing.

It was difficult to keep her focused on the moment for awhile and i suggested if she had some form of ADD around sex, the last 5 years I've wondered if she's bipolar to since degree because well have a nice morning before getting out of bed, and then something will set her off an hour later and it's like nothing happened. Even my semi naughty texts are ignored.

She uses work stress as a reason for disinterest a lot, and there's nothing I can do about that.

I try doing more around the house but that doesn't help either. I ask if i can help with diver when i get home, but get waved off. I've tried working on the relationship aspect, but there's not much i can do without feedback.

When she does put effort into it, it's quantity over quality, and I get the feeling it's just to keep me from snapping. When we find a position she sends to really enjoy, I ask her what she liked about it and it's a shoulder shrug.

I've been asking about her fantasies and desires for the better part of 10 years (we've been married 11) but get shoulder shrugs or "i don't really have any". She has one go to fantasy about being rescued from the side of the road and using her body to thank the kind stranger, yet when i work on her car, or I'm in the garage, there's no interest.

It's not like we ignore each other. There's the typical butt grabbing as we pass by, which goes both ways. I crawl back in bed in the morning to snuggle for about half an hour before i go to work. That seems to be the only overlap in our love languages. Compatibility just seems to be gone.

 

[NightL]

Well there is obviously something she does not find overly appealing. People tend to come back for more when they like something.

"I try doing more around the house but that doesn't help either" so you weren't doing this before? You stopped after not getting what you want?

"I ask if i can help with diver when i get home" - a child? You don't ask, you do.

"I've tried working on the relationship aspect, but there's not much i can do without feedback." this really should not be conditional. If you are a loving person you just do it. Again, so you weren't doing this before? You stopped after not getting what you want?

"i suggested if she had some form of ADD around sex" & "I've wondered if she's bipolar" - well that must have endeared her to you. Got her all hot'n'steamy?

"She uses work stress as a reason for disinterest a lot" and maybe she is highly stressed. Just to get this clear, she is working, you have a child together and you tried to do more about the house. Do you believe you should be praised for this? Her stress instantly gone and ready for swinging from the chandelier sex in gratitude? As for "there's nothing I can do about that." perhaps the fist step is to ask about her day and listen, be sympathetic, let her know she is being heard and understood. You arrange the space for her to feel relaxed enough to talk. Don't "try" to do more - actually do it. Without her feeling it is conditional.

Your wife has told you she is stressed - she is the mother of your child - when she gets home from work, pour her a glass of wine and give all the space for her to unwind - don't ask to do anything - just do it. Maybe after you have engaged with your child, cooked dinner, cleaned up, sorted all that needs to be done for that evening and what needs to be prepared for the next day you ask her how her work is going and you listen. Don't try to fix - just listen. If she wants you to "fix" she will let you know.

"I've been asking about her fantasies and desires for the better part of 10 years" seems you have been asking 9 years and eleven months too long. For a certainty she will have them but simply wants them private for herself. I bet you have a lot of thoughts you would never share with her either. Repeatedly asking the same question is not going to make her more endearing.

I strongly suggest that you book an appointment with a sex therapist, initially just for yourself, and take along a copy of your post for them to read - just let that be the starting point.

With you thinking it is all about her and wanting suggestions on how to change her desires and mindset, you may feel some of what I wrote harsh - but there is clearly a breakdown in communication (in areas) in your relationship. That is something you both have to work on before you tackle intimacy issues.

 

[ZfrkS62]

Well there is obviously something she does not find overly appealing. People tend to come back for more when they like something.

"I try doing more around the house but that doesn't help either" so you weren't doing this before? You stopped after not getting what you want?

"I ask if i can help with diver when i get home" - a child? You don't ask, you do.

"I've tried working on the relationship aspect, but there's not much i can do without feedback." this really should not be conditional. If you are a loving person you just do it. Again, so you weren't doing this before? You stopped after not getting what you want?

"i suggested if she had some form of ADD around sex" & "I've wondered if she's bipolar" - well that must have endeared her to you. Got her all hot'n'steamy?

"She uses work stress as a reason for disinterest a lot" and maybe she is highly stressed. Just to get this clear, she is working, you have a child together and you tried to do more about the house. Do you believe you should be praised for this? Her stress instantly gone and ready for swinging from the chandelier sex in gratitude? As for "there's nothing I can do about that." perhaps the fist step is to ask about her day and listen, be sympathetic, let her know she is being heard and understood. You arrange the space for her to feel relaxed enough to talk. Don't "try" to do more - actually do it. Without her feeling it is conditional.

Your wife has told you she is stressed - she is the mother of your child - when she gets home from work, pour her a glass of wine and give all the space for her to unwind - don't ask to do anything - just do it. Maybe after you have engaged with your child, cooked dinner, cleaned up, sorted all that needs to be done for that evening and what needs to be prepared for the next day you ask her how her work is going and you listen. Don't try to fix - just listen. If she wants you to "fix" she will let you know.

"I've been asking about her fantasies and desires for the better part of 10 years" seems you have been asking 9 years and eleven months too long. For a certainty she will have them but simply wants them private for herself. I bet you have a lot of thoughts you would never share with her either. Repeatedly asking the same question is not going to make her more endearing.

I strongly suggest that you book an appointment with a sex therapist, initially just for yourself, and take along a copy of your post for them to read - just let that be the starting point.

With you thinking it is all about her and wanting suggestions on how to change her desires and mindset, you may feel some of what I wrote harsh - but there is clearly a breakdown in communication (in areas) in your relationship. That is something you both have to work on before you tackle intimacy issues.

I'm not sure where you are getting the idea we have kids. We don't. The only other animate living thing in the house is the dog, and i handle most of the things related to him.

No, i haven't stopped working on things, however i find it difficult to work on things when I'm not sure what's broken, or I'm not getting any reciprocation. It's not up to one party to fix things. I can only do so much.

When it comes to meal prep, she knows what she's doing, and i usually get in the way if i try to just jump in and help. I can barely make basic dishes, so typically, when i can do something, it's retrieving something from the fridge.

 

[NightL]

I think you need to read my reply again - very carefully - from start to end

and your response has not changed my initial thoughts that there is so much more you can improve on within yourself

Your - "I am male, I fix things, can't fix things if I am not told what to do. I am inadequate in looking after myself, let alone caring for the person I love the most" is a cope out.

If you love your wife you would learn to cook and look after yourself. Just because your mother pandered you is no excuse for you to expect that from your wife.

If your car needed a repair, perhaps something you have never done yourself before but want to give it a go yourself - you would research the issue and learn what to do. Is your wife less important than your car?

If you decided to take up golf, even if you have never done it before you would know it would take practise to improve. Would golf be more important than your wife.

Your wife should be the most precious person in your life that you would do anything for her happiness and your happiness together - seems you don't hold her in high esteem except to cook and clean after you.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I had the same problem around the middle of our marriage to the end.

My ex never understood the concept that sex begins with the first kiss of the morning.

Springing the idea of sex on her at bed won't do it. Women need to build up to arousal unlike men who can see a breast and are at full mast.

Check in text during the day.
Don't do things for her, do them with her.
And don't expect sex after the first day of this. Purposely ignore the urge. Doing these things will have her craving you.

 

[BackwoodsMama]

I think NightL makes some good points.

I get that it can be discouraging to work at something (though I’d examine how hard you are really working in things) and not see changes. It sounds like a lot of relationships… people don’t realize how hard they have to work at a relationship to keep it functioning well. We become complacent and habits form and then rifts form little by little without us noticing. I think working on your day to day connection is still your biggest asset. Go on dates that are fun, that are freeing and playful. Have conversations that are deep and meaningful. Do something new and different, even as an individual. Surprise her. Learning to cook is a great suggestion.

It will take time to relearn passion and eroticism. But it can happen. I think if you make that the focus you’ll end up short each time though. Build the relationship and the sexual parts will come next.

Read a book. Esther Perel has a great book called Mating in Captivity. I think you’d find it intriguing.

 

[KatieDoes]

The bedroom was mild at the peak of the relationship, when we would go to MLS games, or playing in her coworkers co-rec soccer league, but the last few years, especially after the pandemic, things have been ok at best. She was more adventurous (pictures, porn in the background, lingerie) and physical when we were dating and long distance, but stopped kissing me with any kind of passion shortly after we moved in together. The other fun stuff slowly disappeared as well. The answer i got when i asked about it last year was "It was new and i was trying."

I don't think sex was ever discussed one way or another in her family growing up, and I am willing to bet that I had a more repressive upbringing.

It was difficult to keep her focused on the moment for awhile and i suggested if she had some form of ADD around sex, the last 5 years I've wondered if she's bipolar to since degree because well have a nice morning before getting out of bed, and then something will set her off an hour later and it's like nothing happened. Even my semi naughty texts are ignored.

She uses work stress as a reason for disinterest a lot, and there's nothing I can do about that.

I try doing more around the house but that doesn't help either. I ask if i can help with diver when i get home, but get waved off. I've tried working on the relationship aspect, but there's not much i can do without feedback.

When she does put effort into it, it's quantity over quality, and I get the feeling it's just to keep me from snapping. When we find a position she sends to really enjoy, I ask her what she liked about it and it's a shoulder shrug.

I've been asking about her fantasies and desires for the better part of 10 years (we've been married 11) but get shoulder shrugs or "i don't really have any". She has one go to fantasy about being rescued from the side of the road and using her body to thank the kind stranger, yet when i work on her car, or I'm in the garage, there's no interest.

It's not like we ignore each other. There's the typical butt grabbing as we pass by, which goes both ways. I crawl back in bed in the morning to snuggle for about half an hour before i go to work. That seems to be the only overlap in our love languages. Compatibility just seems to be gone.

#NotAllWomen, but well over 90% of the hundreds of women I’ve known in my lifetime say that they lose sexual desire when the man they live with acts like a child instead of a full partner. Expecting her to take care of the house, the meals, the meal planning, the life planning, the laundry, the cleaning, the mental load of knowing what is in the house, where it is, how soon you’ll run out of it, whether or not there are clean sheets, picking up clutter, etc, etc, etc, etc.

Lit’s incest stories aside, women aren’t sexually attracted to men that they have to parent and pick up after like giant children.

If it’s been a long time, it will take a long time to repair. It might even be too late.

When women stop ‘nagging’ it’s not a good sign that she’s happily accepted doing everything. It’s a sign that she’s given up trying.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

"I've been asking about her fantasies and desires for the better part of 10 years" seems you have been asking 9 years and eleven months too long.

NightL has hit many nails on the head. You've been badgering and pressuring her for 10 years. Stop. Like, yesterday. A woman is allowed private thoughts and fantasies are often not for sharing.

Maybe she has a lower sex drive than you. That's allowed. Live with it. Maybe she's just not into you sexually. Also allowed.

Stop trying to fix things. She's not a car or flat-pack furniture.

 

[Naughtylo]

Invite a third into your bed. Its amazing.

 

[MrDevereaux]

There is great advice here!

there are many points that weave into a message of you want something back that has gone, but wanting it back by doing the very things that will lead to ‘chocolate’ in the bedroom.

in one of your initial messages, you raise the prospect of your wife having bipolar or possible ADD. Have you read up on these conditions? Bear in mind, all we have to work on is what you have said in posts. Read up on both bipolar and ADD. You say there are triggers during the day and her mood flips, please: read up on bipolar, it is a lot more nuanced than a mood change in 24 hour period and the mania that is required for diagnosis of bipolar is not fun.

If you want to ‘fix’ the marriage, it’s a deep dive and doesn’t start with shopping at your local sex shop.

Asking for advice and help is a first step.

 

[IrisAlthea]

but stopped kissing me with any kind of passion shortly after we moved in together. The other fun stuff slowly disappeared as well. The answer i got when i asked about it last year was "It was new and i was trying."

I think that is the answer.
It was new and she was trying.

Not everyone is that interested in sex or they might be interested in it in a way that doesn’t fit very well with their partner.


The fact that you do both like to snuggle and that you are physical with each other, seems to be the good part, so perhaps try working from there. Why is that positive physical interaction while sex is not?

 

[NightL]

"I try doing more around the house but that doesn't help either"

"I ask if i can help with diver when i get home" (which I now realise was a typo for dinner)

“When it comes to meal prep, she knows what she's doing, and i usually get in the way if i try to just jump in and help. I can barely make basic dishes, so typically, when i can do something, it's retrieving something from the fridge.”

"I've tried working on the relationship aspect, but there's not much i can do without feedback."

“i find it difficult to work on things when I'm not sure what's broken, or I'm not getting any reciprocation. It's not up to one party to fix things. I can only do so much.”

"I've been asking about her fantasies and desires for the better part of 10 years"

Her quoted response "It was new and i was trying." = reward, or lack of it, was not worth the effort

And of course when it all fails "i suggested if she had some form of ADD around sex" & "I've wondered if she's bipolar"

and the winning prize for putting the garbage out is A BLOW JOB

When/if they separate she will choose a very different man and no doubt fling those hidden fantasies around the bedroom.

He will be belligerent and blame his wife for the failure of the relationship and will take the very same patterns to the next relationship, which will also fail.

@ ZfrkS62 There is another recent thread with a similar theme, but not so accusatory toward his wife as you are – check out the reply I left there https://forum.literotica.com/threads/how-to-arouse-my-wife.1611621/post-98954929

Re-read through all the other replies here – things won’t change unless you do. What do you really bring to the relationship?

You need guidance. I SO strongly suggest you go to a sex therapist ASAP. Check their qualifications – make sure they are equally trained in couple/relationship therapy. All the better if they are a trained psychologist as well. Start by going yourself. You need to have an idea of what you are wanting to work on before including your wife into the sessions otherwise you will be slamming the door shut with your accusations.

So much of what I quoted above indicates you are perhaps repeating an environment you were raised in. Were/are your parents happy? Not shiny tolerant toward each other happy, but really in love happy?

Your posts reads as if your version of masculinity pre-dates 1950.

Is your gut reaction toward my post of anger or of consideration?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I think that is the answer.
It was new and she was trying.

Not everyone is that interested in sex or they might be interested in it in a way that doesn’t fit very well with their partner.


The fact that you do both like to snuggle and that you are physical with each other, seems to be the good part, so perhaps try working from there. Why is that positive physical interaction while sex is not?

Oh, and I wanted to add that beside resentment (which is what most answers are ”hinting” at), the top reason for issues with drive and interest in sex is probably stress and/or depression., so when I read:

She uses work stress as a reason for disinterest a lot, and there's nothing I can do about that.

I think that should be taken seriously.
It’s not your job to fix her stress, but it is definitely a relationship job to discuss the problem and possible solutions and/or consequences, because sex is just the canary in the coal mine for a lot of issues to raise their head with time, if this continues.

 

[lisaharlot]

Who managed to get some flavor in their boring bedroom?

Sex is a bare minimum activity and not very interesting.

No foreplay unless I go down on her. Once a year when she finally returns the favor, it's the least inspired, 60 second lick job she can muster.

I'm bordering on a sexless marriage, but she puts out just shit the time my frustration is peaking. Conversations about it are short and full of excuses. Usually ends with "I'm fine being boring"

Who's managed to fix this in their marriages?

“… no foreplay unless I go down on her…”

Is that only only foreplay she allows or does she need that to give you any foreplay? I can read that sentence a few ways. Some women only or mostly orgasm from oral. If she’s wanting that, I suggest you develop of deep passion for eating her out. Spend quality time down there.

I’d also like to know what “flavors” you’ve discussed adding to your vanilla. Was it something that maybe she got concerned about?

 

[Britva415]

Who's managed to fix this in their marriages?

Me and my spouse, but I'm blessed with a spouse who takes me seriously and wants me to be fulfilled and happy. And so is she similarly blessed.

The way we're handling it is, I get it elsewhere.

Everything everybody else above said is of course critical: Ensure that you're holding up your end of the rest of the relationship, Nothing will come of this if your wife doesn't trust you to fulfill the needs she has.

One of those is acceptance. You're using some really gross language when you talk to her like she has a mental health issue (ADD, bipolar). Don't label her! At all! Even with labels which don't seem to have anything to do with sex! You might as well just call her frigid and then see if it makes her want to work on this with you. She won't.

Whatever you do, don't ask for cooperation on this until you're positive you're already doing things she needs. If you don't know what those are (I guarantee you don't), ask, and then follow through. Show her that you believe her. Show her that you take her seriously. If you don't know what her love language is, find out, figure it out, and then start using it to show her how much you love her and are committed to her.

Does she trust you to listen to her and hear her without making it about you? Are you capable of listening and not reacting right away to what you're hearing? Most of the time we don't have to react at all, we just need to show that we can listen and that we can be present for our partners. That's it. Sometimes we hear something we do have to address or react to, but, are you capable of waiting for another time to come back to that and show your side of it? This is important.

Give her a safe place, a place she already wants to be in, before you start rocking the boat over something as delicate as unmet sexual desires or needs.

So, that's all the stuff on your side of the street. On hers, is she capable of being non-defensive? Or does she take things which aren't meant in a negative way and react to them with out-of-proportion negativity? Is she capable of empathy? Or does she take your feelings into account only when it suits her? Is she capable of communicating, in both directions? Listening authentically without making it about her? Telling you her feelings without keeping things to herself?

Then there's the stuff which both of you are responsible for. If you're censoring yourselves when talking to each other, if you're hiding things from each other, not being honest and transparent, is that because you've shown each other that it's not safe to be transparent? Is there distrust because you've burned each other in the past? Are you reflexively defensive with each other because of past experiences? It's possible to get over this and move on from it, but it takes both people to work on it and to extend some trust for the process and for each other. Is she capable of that? Are you?

If you both really want to improve your marriage, not just over sex but over whatever it is she's missing too, then you might really benefit from professional help (marriage counselor.) This can't work at all if only one of you is willing to put any effort into it.

 

[ZfrkS62]

First off, sorry for the long wait for a response. Reading a few of your responses made me realize that trying to engage in this conversation was not going to work using the phone, which is where I spend most of my time on Lit. If you've ever tried to post a response on a mobile device, then you're familiar with the site timing out and losing most of what you wrote (and as I try to address other posts, I'm finding the same issue is present on the desktop version). Not conducive, as I find myself trying to shorten responses. As a result of it, I've left quite a bit of room for interpretation, some of which has allowed for some glaringly inaccurate conclusions, borderline assumptions, to be drawn. I'm going to ignore the more spiteful comments as I just don't see the point to responding to comments designed to be inflammatory.

Since it was mentioned by @Britva415 last, I'll address the ADD and bipolar comments first. Those were not meant as a diagnosis of anything, more as comparisons to sum up what had been happening. On the loss of focus issue, which had been more of a problem several years ago, but I mentioned it because I felt it was a relevant point in that general struggles in bed were not new, where we would be rolling around in bed and into the mood, and then she'd start talking about something completely random and forget what we were doing. She was aware of doing it and wasn't sure why, but I do recall that we were joking as we were in the middle of one of these moments and she started laughing as she realized what she was doing and started laughing. I had followed up using that phrase jokingly, but it stuck in my head.

The bipolar comparison was likely the wrong term to use, rather severe mood swing as was mentioned by @MrDevereaux. I usually shake them off in the moment, but they were fairly common for a bit, and I pretty much expected them. Can I recall a specific one, or trigger? Or even the last one? No, but they were rather frustrating to deal with. About an hour or so later, she'd be back to calm and pleasant. I stopped trying to alleviate whatever was setting her off and started letting her work through it on her own. It's been a little while since it's happened, but it's also not a distant memory.

“… no foreplay unless I go down on her…”

Is that only only foreplay she allows or does she need that to give you any foreplay? I can read that sentence a few ways. Some women only or mostly orgasm from oral. If she’s wanting that, I suggest you develop of deep passion for eating her out. Spend quality time down there.

I’d also like to know what “flavors” you’ve discussed adding to your vanilla. Was it something that maybe she got concerned about?

Oh, I love going down on her and will enthusiastically do it, but rarely do I get any feedback so getting her off is rare. What worked several years ago doesn't phase her anymore.

Typically, she'll reach back and tease me a little, then roll over and pull her shirt up so I can lick/suck on her tits for awhile. While I'm doing that, her hands are idle for the most part. Sometimes she'll make some kind of request that I go down on her, but more often than not, I have to make that move. After a bit, I don't know if she gets bored, or what the parameter is, she'll pull me up and tell me to poke her. Typically though, she'll go from getting her tits attended to, and just want to get right into sex.

The last time she asked what I wanted, I answered that I wanted her to go down on me as enthusiastically as I go down on her. There was not much enthusiasm on her end.

The way we're handling it is, I get it elsewhere.

Are you getting the things she doesn't want to do elsewhere, or all of it? I'm curious what your dynamic is.

I almost suggested a hall pass when she went on a trip with her friend recently, but it would have been pointless as she's not going to seek it out, and anyone trying to pick her up needs to be a stellar pick up artist that looks like Mark Webber.

If you're censoring yourselves when talking to each other, if you're hiding things from each other, not being honest and transparent, is that because you've shown each other that it's not safe to be transparent? Is there distrust because you've burned each other in the past? Are you reflexively defensive with each other because of past experiences? It's possible to get over this and move on from it, but it takes both people to work on it and to extend some trust for the process and for each other. Is she capable of that? Are you?

my sense of humor is the typical crass auto shop talk. Crack open the door for a dirty one liner and I'm probably going to barrel through it. She's HR friendly, but knows when she's set herself up and tells me to shut up before finishing her sentence, so I don't get too many chances at home to let it out. It's not so much that I NEED to censor myself, but I do more for her sanity. She doesn't have to censor herself at all.

(there's an expansion coming, I hit submit by accident. Part 2 coming)

 

[Hypnobitch01]

Who managed to get some flavor in their boring bedroom?

Sex is a bare minimum activity and not very interesting.

No foreplay unless I go down on her. Once a year when she finally returns the favor, it's the least inspired, 60 second lick job she can muster.

I'm bordering on a sexless marriage, but she puts out just shit the time my frustration is peaking. Conversations about it are short and full of excuses. Usually ends with "I'm fine being boring"

Who's managed to fix this in their marriages?

The key to good sex is good communication. May I recommend starting with an “I feel…” statement, and if things are going well, maybe try some role playing, I found it much easier to try new things as a character

 

[ZfrkS62]

Whatever you do, don't ask for cooperation on this until you're positive you're already doing things she needs. If you don't know what those are (I guarantee you don't), ask, and then follow through. Show her that you believe her. Show her that you take her seriously. If you don't know what her love language is, find out, figure it out, and then start using it to show her how much you love her and are committed to her.

Does she trust you to listen to her and hear her without making it about you? Are you capable of listening and not reacting right away to what you're hearing? Most of the time we don't have to react at all, we just need to show that we can listen and that we can be present for our partners. That's it. Sometimes we hear something we do have to address or react to, but, are you capable of waiting for another time to come back to that and show your side of it? This is important.

My love language is touch and physical affection, her main language is food, and that's what she grew up knowing. Her mom is the type that just puts food in front of you (language barrier, is likely most of it), so my wife likes cooking and is more concerned with what I want for breakfast. I like food, but I'm not planning what I want for lunch at 6:30am. My go to breakfast is also eggs, so I have zero imagination for that meal. She'll want to hold hands or cuddle on the couch usually, but it's more about food for her.

I've been working on the habit of asking if she wants my opinion or if she's just venting when she's telling me about a situation (am I 100%? not even close). I don't turn the conversations around to the "well this is what happened to me", but I can't help but insert the qualifier "if it was me" in my response, since I can only evaluate the options through my point of view.

Yes, she's empathetic, but more of the general life happiness sort of way. We can typically talk about anything without arguing, which we don't do anyway. I can count maybe 4 actual arguments (note, not fights), in the almost 21 years we've been a couple. We've known each other since we were about 15.

Is your gut reaction toward my post of anger or of consideration?

When I initially read the responses I was skim reading and missed this closing question. I've honestly been confused as to where some of your conclusions were coming from, but reading back at my hastily written second post, I can see how you are hearing my responses, so I'll raise my hand and say I fucked that up.

While I'm hearing your points as being spoken in a highly critical voice, I do hear them as points, rather than attacks.

I can assure you I'm not Al Bundy or Peter Griffin (or whichever inept lump you want to use), which I am presuming is how you are picturing me based on your replies.

The balance of work around the house is fairly even. If she needs me to take something else off her plate, she asks, and I take care of it. If I mess something up when I'm cooking, I'll give her the better looking piece. I still buy her flowers or her favorite snack for no reason. I've gotten up with the dog when he needs to go out at 2am every night for the 3+ years we've had him, and when he gets me at 5:30-6:30am on the weekends for his walks.

 

[Britva415]

my sense of humor is the typical crass auto shop talk. Crack open the door for a dirty one liner and I'm probably going to barrel through it. She's HR friendly, but knows when she's set herself up and tells me to shut up before finishing her sentence, so I don't get too many chances at home to let it out. It's not so much that I NEED to censor myself, but I do more for her sanity. She doesn't have to censor herself at all.

I wasn't talking about censoring yourself in that way. You're really not describing communication, just chit-chat. I was talking about obstacles to being able to communicate: Like hiding feelings and avoiding topics because of not trusting the partner to listen.

 

[Britva415]

she's empathetic

Do you trust her to take you seriously if you were to share (not vent, just share) with her how the bedroom mis-match affects you?

I don't mean saying "what you put out is 'just shit'" (I'm quoting from your first post), because of course you'd never do that anyway, right? That's blamey, puts her on the defensive, and isn't owning your own feelings.

What I mean is saying how you feel about it, how upset or sad or bereft it makes you, how unfair it feels, how damaging it is to not be taken seriously when you say you wish there were more. I'm talking about leaning on her, as your loved one, as someone who you're supposed to be able to count on to share your emotional difficulties with.

Do you think she's empathetic enough to (A) feel you, if you were to do any of that, and (B) become invested in seeing what she could do to contribute to a solution?

If not, do you think it's something she could grow into? Can you think of any obstacles you could remove, so that she could?

In case you haven't noticed, the question "is she empathetic enough" isn't entirely about her. If she isn't, it probably isn't just because she's a witch, it's probably because she's learned not to be.

I don't say that to criticize you, it's just to show what kind of thinking it really takes to have a chance at making a significant change you both have to work on.

 

[ZfrkS62]

I wasn't talking about censoring yourself in that way. You're really not describing communication, just chit-chat. I was talking about obstacles to being able to communicate: Like hiding feelings and avoiding topics because of not trusting the partner to listen.

Do you trust her to take you seriously if you were to share (not vent, just share) with her how the bedroom mis-match affects you?

I don't mean saying "what you put out is 'just shit'" (I'm quoting from your first post), because of course you'd never do that anyway, right? That's blamey, puts her on the defensive, and isn't owning your own feelings.

What I mean is saying how you feel about it, how upset or sad or bereft it makes you, how unfair it feels, how damaging it is to not be taken seriously when you say you wish there were more. I'm talking about leaning on her, as your loved one, as someone who you're supposed to be able to count on to share your emotional difficulties with.

Do you think she's empathetic enough to (A) feel you, if you were to do any of that, and (B) become invested in seeing what she could do to contribute to a solution?

If not, do you think it's something she could grow into? Can you think of any obstacles you could remove, so that she could?

In case you haven't noticed, the question "is she empathetic enough" isn't entirely about her. If she isn't, it probably isn't just because she's a witch, it's probably because she's learned not to be.

I don't say that to criticize you, it's just to show what kind of thinking it really takes to have a chance at making a significant change you both have to work on.

Sex is the only topic that I think things get hidden on my side. I always figured she'd slowly get more interested in different things, so I didn't try to introduce too much early on thinking she'd suggest or at least ask for new things, but that hasn't happened. I haven't told her about the toys I bought myself and have been experimenting with. I know she'd be put off by the idea.

No to both A and B.

She only has toys because I bought them for her, and they're nothing special. If she was single, I'm not sure she'd have them.

I don't know what her obstacles are, so I'm not sure how to remove them.