How to fix things after you fuck up

[silverwhisper]

[warns bi about making sure she wears a seatbelt]



ed

 

[bisexplicit]

[warns bi about making sure she wears a seatbelt]



ed

Don't worry, when I cross the street tonight I'll make sure to hold someone's hand. hehe.

 

[Revel_Less]

I sincerely hope that thats not how my boyfriend is, because he really seemed genuinely concerned when I talked about how some of his behaviors can be somewhat controlling.

None of this sentence actually said that your boyfriend wasn't this way. Only that you HOPE he wasn't and that he SEEMED concerned when you confronted him about it.

If you aren't convinced that he is safe, how convinced do you think we are?

 

[SweetErika]

None of this sentence actually said that your boyfriend wasn't this way. Only that you HOPE he wasn't and that he SEEMED concerned when you confronted him about it.

If you aren't convinced that he is safe, how convinced do you think we are?

I don't really understand this...what does how convinced she thinks we are have to do with anything? I think it's healthy Bi's keeping an open mind and not jumping to his defense/blaming herself like she seemed to be doing earlier in the thread, or at least it's a step in the right direction.


Bi: I'll shut up at some point, but this thought just occured... I believe in helping people, especially when it comes to helping them get the help they need. However, sometimes I'm guilty of helping them too much, and forget they would be making a significant effort if they really felt they wanted or needed to. In other words, don't let yourself fall into that trap...if he really wants and feels he needs to address these issues, you'll likely see him seeking out resources and taking steps forward on his own initiative.

 

[Revel_Less]

I don't really understand this...what does how convinced she thinks we are have to do with anything? I think it's healthy Bi's keeping an open mind and not jumping to his defense/blaming herself like she seemed to be doing earlier in the thread, or at least it's a step in the right direction.

Exactly.

I guess I phrased it wrong. Here is what I meant.

"Bi, your phrasing seems to imply that he is entering the honeymoon phase."

 

[Quoll]

Actually, you do all seem to care, which is incredibly nice of you - especially to be concerned about, give advice to, a stranger

You`re not a stranger, you are BiJack The Magnificent

 

[bisexplicit]

You`re not a stranger, you are BiJack The Magnificent

hehe, quoll, you are so awesome.
(And I did manage a tiny little bijack earlier, yay! )

 

[bisexplicit]

I don't really understand this...what does how convinced she thinks we are have to do with anything? I think it's healthy Bi's keeping an open mind and not jumping to his defense/blaming herself like she seemed to be doing earlier in the thread, or at least it's a step in the right direction.


Bi: I'll shut up at some point, but this thought just occured... I believe in helping people, especially when it comes to helping them get the help they need. However, sometimes I'm guilty of helping them too much, and forget they would be making a significant effort if they really felt they wanted or needed to. In other words, don't let yourself fall into that trap...if he really wants and feels he needs to address these issues, you'll likely see him seeking out resources and taking steps forward on his own initiative.

I suppose you're right. Seeking out his own resources and trying to get things started by himself would really show that hes interested in having things change...I just want things to improve so very badly that its hard to sit back and do nothing. I mean, I know I can work on my own things...but, still...

 

[SweetErika]

I suppose you're right. Seeking out his own resources and trying to get things started by himself would really show that hes interested in having things change...I just want things to improve so very badly that its hard to sit back and do nothing. I mean, I know I can work on my own things...but, still...

I know, Bi, I really do. But are you actually sitting back and doing nothing? It looks like you're working hard on yourself, trying to voice your concerns and improve the relationship, and being very supportive. Whether you stay together or not in the future, you're in a position right now to look back and say, 'I did the best I could, everything right, and I'm a happier, healthier, better person for it.' Hopefully he'll take those steps and find himself in a place where he can make positive contributions. If he chooses not to, you'll have the knowledge and strength to move on and won't have lost anything.

 

[Quoll]

To add to what Erika said, or say the same thing in a different way.

It may seem honourable and nice to constantly put yourself in the wrong for the sake of someone you love, however it can become a very disabling habit.
Many times you will feel strongly about something and start to discuss it with your SO, and by the end of the conversation you are apologising for ever having brought it up and the situation does not get resolved, only to be brought back up again at a later date, often with the same outcome.

The longer this sort of cycle continues the harder it is to stop. Eventually you just stop voicing your opinion and go along with the flow until it builds up and bursts out. This might happen 5, 10, or even 20 years down the track and it is very hard to go from saying "It`s ok this was all my fault" to "You know, what you did hurt me greatly" or whatever discussion you would like to insert there.
Of course the other thing that can happen is that should you finally decide to make a stand after a long time, you may be accused of lying as well because you will be contradicting long held beliefs on the part of your SO.

I hope this is in the right thread, if not, just consider it Jacked, Bi.

 

[bigman507]

Fortunately, I have my own therapist that should be able to help with this (because, I tend to get overly involved and try to "save" everyone, not just him...hes different, though 'cause he seems to want me in that role as well.)

Wow, that's interesting. That describes me too... I sometimes really want to and try to "fix" everyone's' problems when they're upset or venting or whatnot, thinking I'm being helpful, when sometimes they just want me to listen and want to fix it themselves.

 

[SweetErika]

Wow, that's interesting. That describes me too... I sometimes really want to and try to "fix" everyone's' problems when they're upset or venting or whatnot, thinking I'm being helpful, when sometimes they just want me to listen and want to fix it themselves.

I can't remember where I heard/learned it, but have found it helpful to ask, "Do you just want me to listen and support you, or would you like observations as well?" either before the conversation or after they've finished talking. Often I'll preface a conversation with, "I just want you to listen." or "Could you listen and give me your opinions and advice on this situation?"

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: hope you had a good time friday night. :>

ed

 

[bisexplicit]

bi: hope you had a good time friday night. :>

ed

Thank you. I really did. Its nice to get out and just have fun and be silly and not worry about things. And we seriously spent almost the whole time laughing.

 

[silverwhisper]

good: i'm glad to hear it. :>

ed

 

[bisexplicit]

good: i'm glad to hear it. :>

ed

Thanks.

 

[Aussie JP]

i thought this was one of those ' the secret to life' threads where everything will be revealed so i could go on and screw more things up but then get out of it.

interesting problem though....

 

[DarkMuse]

I suppose you're right. Seeking out his own resources and trying to get things started by himself would really show that hes interested in having things change...I just want things to improve so very badly that its hard to sit back and do nothing. I mean, I know I can work on my own things...but, still...

I was with a guy (my ex fiance) for 5 years. He was very manipulative, and controlling, and emotionally abusive. Of course, I didn't see that.

So, when I finally did, and dumped him, he said he would get counselling (the conditions of us staying together was him going for counselling, since I was in counselling on my own, and my counsellor gave me the strength and resources to leave him). He said he was, but he actually wasn't.

Make sure you have PROOF that he is getting help. Because, manipulative people will say ANYTHING to make you THINK they changed.

 

[bisexplicit]

*sighs* Things get better, and then they get worse. Sometimes it seems like you work and work and make no progress at all.

 

[Quoll]

*sighs* Things get better, and then they get worse. Sometimes it seems like you work and work and make no progress at all.

If this is a recurring pattern it is going to take some serious work from both of you to try and resolve this. It may be time to put your foot down Bi and accept the consequences, otherwise you may be stuck on the rollercoaster for many years.

*Humble apologies for all the cliches*

 

[bisexplicit]

If this is a recurring pattern it is going to take some serious work from both of you to try and resolve this. It may be time to put your foot down Bi and accept the consequences, otherwise you may be stuck on the rollercoaster for many years.

*Humble apologies for all the cliches*

I know.
Well, I've gotten to ultimatum time - either he goes to an ACoA meeting or gets to a therapist in the next two weeks or thats it.
(But, even though I say "thats it" I'm worried if I could actually do that if he doesn't...I mean, I really think he will, but...)

 

[Revel_Less]

Maybe you should ask your friends to help you with an intervention?

 

[bisexplicit]

Maybe you should ask your friends to help you with an intervention?

Intervention doesn't make sense. ACoA stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics (if thats what you're mentioning the intervention for...).

 

[Revel_Less]

I meant the intervention for you.

But, even though I say "thats it" I'm worried if I could actually do that if he doesn't...

Maybe you should ask your friends to help you with an intervention?

Hope that clears things up.

 

[chris9]

edited to delete former text that I wrote before reading the whole thread and didn't know where things went from the original "Is masturbating in public ok" to a topic about serious problems in a relationship that can only be solved with professional help and about which I can't say anything except good luck to you and I wish for a happy outcome for you