How to approach my partner about kinks?

[Daddys_little_slut_]

I have a really high sex drive and a desire to explore the many different kinks that interest me - ranging from dd/lg to degradation to CNC.

My boyfriend of 5 years is very vanilla and has a low sex drive. I love him very much but am struggling to feel sexually fulfilled and am starting to feel frustrated and sometimes unwanted.

Suggestions? Advice? Anything would be appreciated. I know the answer is communication but would love guidance about how to go about it?

 

[Privates1stClass]

Of course communication is the key to your issue. You could just tell your boyfriend you'd like to be more adventurous in bed. Nearly every guy would like to hear his girlfriend say those words.

If you've been with him for five years, think about what really turns him on. A blow job just might grab his attention and help you get your idea across.

Perhaps your boyfriend has a low testosterone level? A doctor could determine that. Both of you could enjoy better sex if his testosterone increases.

The best of luck to both of you.

 

[Lady2020]

Tell him what you need. He can go for it or not. But do you want to stay in a relationship where your needs aren't getting met, esp if his interests and needs are different?

 

[NightL]

Dress mask to foot in finest latex, brandish the biggest whip you can find then jump suddenly from a darkened corner approaching swiftly shouting "Who wants to be Mommys' bitch?!" - I'm sure that will provoke a lasting change

 

[davion2308]

The disparity in sex drive is already the biggest issue. If you two had similar wants and needs from a frequency standpoint, you're going to do a lot better opening up discussion regarding kinks and other wants/needs.

In the mean time, you can figure out the most low-key, non-invasive way to play out one of your fantasies. Require no roleplay from him and see just how you can meet your own needs. Ask him if he would (be very specific and script out exactly what you want to try). If you're open-minded and you're showing some vulnerability with what you want and why you want it, he may try it with you.

I don't know him or you so I can't speak as to what's going to work well but having a conversation when you're not trying to have sex, when neither of you are on any intoxicants, and you can allow him to absorb the information and the ask without pressure ... that's the best way to go about this. Maybe there's a secret sex freak in the after all? Or maybe not.

Good luck!

 

[marcussad]

I have a really high sex drive and a desire to explore the many different kinks that interest me - ranging from dd/lg to degradation to CNC.

My boyfriend of 5 years is very vanilla and has a low sex drive. I love him very much but am struggling to feel sexually fulfilled and am starting to feel frustrated and sometimes unwanted.

Suggestions? Advice? Anything would be appreciated. I know the answer is communication but would love guidance about how to go about it?

I think you need to increase his desire for sex . Little bit of sports and / or some activty , healthy food and good sleep can make your man pervert for sex

 

[LadyElsbeth]

I will give my two cent's worth here and just add that timing is everything if your lover is not someone who has explored any type of kink at all. Just having a "dry" conversation about this like an everyday topic probably will not be your best bet. The next time you are making out, foreplay, etc. whisper to him one of your fantasies. Say it like it was a dream you had and see his response. In the heat of the moment, talking dirty or sharing fantasies can be incredibly sexy vs trying to discuss it during dinner or watching television. I hope that made sense.

 

[rockstardaddy]

I will give my two cent's worth here and just add that timing is everything if your lover is not someone who has explored any type of kink at all. Just having a "dry" conversation about this like an everyday topic probably will not be your best bet. The next time you are making out, foreplay, etc. whisper to him one of your fantasies. Say it like it was a dream you had and see his response. In the heat of the moment, talking dirty or sharing fantasies can be incredibly sexy vs trying to discuss it during dinner or watching television. I hope that made sense.

I second this, both on the timing and also that telling a fantasy while having sex can be a really fun and safe way to explore the fantasy space without the pressure of acting it out. The brain is the most sexual organ.

 

[R34D]

I have a really high sex drive and a desire to explore the many different kinks that interest me - ranging from dd/lg to degradation to CNC.

My boyfriend of 5 years is very vanilla and has a low sex drive. I love him very much but am struggling to feel sexually fulfilled and am starting to feel frustrated and sometimes unwanted.

Suggestions? Advice? Anything would be appreciated. I know the answer is communication but would love guidance about how to go about it?

I have many of the same fantasies and desires you have shared. I am also in the same boat, that my wife is not as kinky and does not have the same sex drive that I do.

We have talked about it several times. I’ve tried to do it in a safe and respectful manner.

I have also written stories for her to read about the things I fantasize about. She doesn’t always share the level of excitement for my desires.

She has come around a little bit, but it has been slow.

It can be frustrating at times. I’m always up to chat more.

 

[Goldenfinger]

We talk, or she tells me.

 

[SmokingFap]

This may not be the best or most appropriate approach for everyone, but I have found it very helpful to broach these subjects when you and your partner are having a fun night getting drunk together. It gives you the liquid courage to bring delicate subjects up. It creates a more open mind in your partner. And if what you talk about freaks your partner out, you can always blame it on the booze the next day and say you didn't mean any of it. Just my one cent.

 

[magic_rat]

I have a really high sex drive and a desire to explore the many different kinks that interest me - ranging from dd/lg to degradation to CNC.

My boyfriend of 5 years is very vanilla and has a low sex drive. I love him very much but am struggling to feel sexually fulfilled and am starting to feel frustrated and sometimes unwanted.

Suggestions? Advice? Anything would be appreciated. I know the answer is communication but would love guidance about how to go about it?

You're basically incompatible. Separate.

 

[Britva415]

You're basically incompatible. Separate.

I mean, this might be the situation.

I guess it depends how bad @Daddys_little_slut_ wants it.

"How to approach" is not a very helpful question. There's no magic formula for doing it in just the right way so that the partner is guaranteed to be into it and agree to try everything you want. There's not even any magic formula for doing it in just the right way so that the partner doesn't cringe and have a negative reaction.

If you want it badly enough, do dare to talk about it, but, as far as "how" goes, just be respectful, make it about you and not about the partner (no blaming or shaming), take No for an answer if that's what they say, and don't make ultimatums. If the lack of sexual excitement is going to split you up, so be it, but, don't manipulate them by wielding that as a threat. Just do it, if it comes to that, without making them the bad guy.

 

[Jordanjack]

Knowing what I know now about my current situation, I’d have run from it long ago. I have a very high sex drive and desire to explore all things sex. My partner is very vanilla, and expresses no desire to talk about or explore sex. We’ve been married 20+ years and the sex is so blah.

If sex is really important to you and it’s not for your partner then my suggestion is to get out. It won’t get better. People don’t change.

 

[magic_rat]

Tell him what you need. He can go for it or not. But do you want to stay in a relationship where your needs aren't getting met, esp if his interests and needs are different?

This. If this is where you're at now, imagine how shit things will be in 20 years? I've been there. I was in a sexless marriage for the last 10 years and it kiled me. Since then I've left my wife and found a woman who shares all my kinks and interests and I share hers.

 

[davion2308]

There's no one single best way to do it. It depends on what you want and how your relationship looks.

It's been five years and you two haven't brought out other things you want to try? I think your best approach is to look at your list of kinks, decide which is the most vanilla or vanilla-adjacent, decide on why you like it, and bring it up in a non-threatening, non-sexual environment. Make it as objective a conversation as possible without any actual sex on the horizon, and try to be as open-minded, vulnerable, and sharing as you can.

"I want to have an important conversation about sex. Can you please focus on me and this for the next five minutes?" Capture his attention, ask him to be locked in for a short amount of time, and then simply tell him. Start easy with something that is new but not challenging.

"I want to lick your ass. I think it's really sexy that it's serving you, it's for your pleasure, and it turns me on. I think me showering you, getting you clean, then putting my mouth on your ass with all the nerve endings back there is really sexy. Can we try that, please?"

Take it from there. Have the conversation, ask for his feedback and his feelings, see how he responds, go from there.