How do you stop

[CatEyes]

Is there a way to stop hungering for a D/s relationship and just be happy with your vanilla existence?

If anyone knows of a way I'd really love to know.

CatEyes

 

[Shadowsdream]

My opinion

You can put your needs for D/s on the back burner for awhile, you can fool yourself and re enter the vanilla world.

You can go back to a vanilla relationship....then you are no longer fooling just yourself...you have now begun to fool an innocent partner into a relationship that will almost definately never satisfy you.

You can hide your needs for a day, a week, a month or for years but it will sit like an unscratchable itch just out of reach.

 

[artful]

Shadows

My opinion

You can put your needs for D/s on the back burner for awhile, you can fool yourself and re enter the vanilla world.

You can go back to a vanilla relationship....then you are no longer fooling just yourself...you have now begun to fool an innocent partner into a relationship that will almost definately never satisfy you.

You can hide your needs for a day, a week, a month or for years but it will sit like an unscratchable itch just out of reach.

I agree 100 %

 

[~Dream~]

Is there a way to stop hungering for a D/s relationship and just be happy with your vanilla existence?

If anyone knows of a way I'd really love to know.

CatEyes

if indeed you are 'hungering' as your own words express,then you are showing a very REAL "DESIRE" in my eyes that you truly want that kind of relationship so dont kid yourself..take your time .. do what's best for YOU BUT PLEASE BE HONEST WITH WHOEVER YOU ARE WITH . as well as with YOURSELF... that's the most important part.. I was in vanilla relationships all my life and was so afraid to let the "true me' out and now I AM HAPPIER than I have ever been in my life..I needed and deserve to be controlled by my Master..I AM submissive and am damn proud of it as never before..dont be afraid of the unknown ,educate yourself and go with your gut instincts,worked for me!!

 

[artful]

Re: Re: How do you stop

if indeed you are 'hungering' as your own words express,then you are showing a very REAL "DESIRE" in my eyes that you truly want that kind of relationship so dont kid yourself..take your time .. do what's best for YOU BUT PLEASE BE HONEST WITH WHOEVER YOU ARE WITH . as well as with YOURSELF... that's the most important part.. I was in vanilla relationships all my life and was so afraid to let the "true me' out and now I AM HAPPIER than I have ever been in my life..I needed and deserve to be controlled by my Master..I AM submissive and am damn proud of it as never before..dont be afraid of the unknown ,educate yourself and go with your gut instincts,worked for me!!

Oh yessssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

DON'T DO IT!!!

I am a living example of what happens when you try to fool yourself into believing that the 'nilla world is enough.

I was in a relationship with a woman who was a true submissive. Unfortunately, I was too young and inexperienced to know what I had. She needed someone more worldly and I let her get away.

I re-entered the vanilla world, fell in love with a slightly kinky woman and was utterly happy... for a while.

It was only after six years of marriage that I realized how important d/s is to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much. There are many wonderful things about our life together. I just feel that it is not complete. I think it would be unfair to ask her to be something she is not and I could not live with myself if I left to persue my hedonistic desires. I made my bed, now I must lie in it.

I am trying my best to be a good husband, companion, lover and friend and not blame her for my mistake.

Be honest with yourself, admit your desires and try to persue them!

...unless you are already in the same boat as me, in which case, just forget everything I said and know that I sympathize with you.

 

[CatEyes]

Thank you all for your responses.

Unfortunately I am in the same boat as you, vulpesvulpes.

I didn't know before I got married that I had these desires. I didn't know anything about BDSM period. But now that I do I can't get it out of my head. I try to forget it for a while but it's always there and has been for 5 years.

It doesn't help that I recently met the one who could make me complete and lost him because of my situation.



CatEyes

 

[Daddyslilpet]

CatEyes - Have you discussed your feelings with your spouse? I was in this same boat too, but was just absolutely sure my husband would think me crazy for what I wanted. It took alot of courage for me to bring this subject up to him. Much to my surprise and delight, he was willing to give it a go, and now we are happily in the most wonderful time of our marriage.

I don't know your situation, I'm just saying this is what worked for me. I can't tell you it would work for you, but isn't it at least worth a try?

Here's hoping things will be the way that makes you happiest.


dixi

 

[A Desert Rose]

TRYING TO STIFFLE.........

Speaking strictly for myself, I don't think you can smother those feelings of submission forever. You can act out one thing but the other will surface again and again. And again, speaking for myself, you may find yourself to be miserable. At least I have.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Boy Howdy

This is my 100th post! YIPPPPPPEEEEEE........ The little picture will be coming up soon, if i can figure out how to do that........

 

[CatEyes]

Dixi, I've thought about it a few times within the last few years. As with you I'm afraid he'll think I'm crazy. I'm also afraid it won't work.

In reality I'd be teaching him which would put me in charge which isn't really what I need. If the tendency isn't there to begin with can he really learn to think like a Dom. Also after so many years how do I change the way I interact with him.

I just can't see how it would work and at this point I can play head games with myself and tell myself that since I never gave him the chance it's my fault I'm not happy, which seems to work for a while, and leaves me with some hope. If I try and it fails then I can't fool myself anymore and I don't know what I could do at that point.




CatEyes

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Boy Howdy

This is my 100th post! YIPPPPPPEEEEEE........ The little picture will be coming up soon, if i can figure out how to do that........

Nice av, Desert Rose!



Catseyes?

I am single, yes. However, I became frustrated with what seemed to be a fruitless search for what I needed.

So, I tried returning to my old ways.

It didn't work. Now, as i posted in a thread not too recently, I don't need the formal BDSM to be happy, nor do I need 24/7. I do, however, need the power exchange and some kink.

I was very unhappy and frustrated with my vanilla bf. It didn't work. Who knows? Maybe it was simply a bad match to begin with, but the "hunger" is there and gnawing at me/

 

[Jim_Henson]

Re: DON'T DO IT!!!

I am a living example of what happens when you try to fool yourself into believing that the 'nilla world is enough.

I just wanted to point out, that the nilla world is enough for people, many people. You really shouldnt demean it like that.

Cat, its a hrad decision many before you have faced, and when you put them all on the scales and still hear the calling of the whip, you have made your decision.

 

[Lancecastor]

Is there a way to stop hungering for a D/s relationship and just be happy with your vanilla existence?

If anyone knows of a way I'd really love to know.

CatEyes

You can choose to feel any way you want about your life.

The power is yours.

So the answer has always been "Yes, there is a way."

But that was never the real question, was it?

The real situation is you're hungry for someone other than your husband and so you're looking for a reason to cheat on him.

BDSM is just the excuse.

At least, that's what I'm hearing.

A lot of people have invested time in talking to you....

Lance

 

[MissTaken]

Dixi, I've thought about it a few times within the last few years. As with you I'm afraid he'll think I'm crazy. I'm also afraid it won't work.

In reality I'd be teaching him which would put me in charge which isn't really what I need. If the tendency isn't there to begin with can he really learn to think like a Dom. Also after so many years how do I change the way I interact with him.

I just can't see how it would work and at this point I can play head games with myself and tell myself that since I never gave him the chance it's my fault I'm not happy, which seems to work for a while, and leaves me with some hope. If I try and it fails then I can't fool myself anymore and I don't know what I could do at that point. \
CatEyes

Many couples begin their involvement in D/s after many years of marriage. One has to initiate. I can't imagine them both waking up one morning with the same thought at the same time.

It can work.

Or, if you feel there are deeper problems extending beyond D/s, you may have some soul searching to do.

However, we all make sacrifices and compromises in our relationships.

It is up to you to decide what is important.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Cateyes, My husband and I began this journey barely 6 months before our 14th wedding anniversary. So length of time together doesn't really matter.

As for me teaching him, no I didn't. We both researched online, and read, read, read, then read some more. At first he was afraid he'd hurt me or maybe that I'd get mad at him. However, he has since discovered how serious I was, therefore, it is serious for him as well.

Honestly, I couldn't talk to him about it at first face to face. We IMed each other, then as our communication has opened up, now we talk more than ever before about everything.....no IM needed.

Of course, the decision is ultimately your's to make. However, I just want you to think about this one thing.....if he doesn't know what you want or how you feel, how can he make you happy? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to yourself? Just some things to think about.

Good luck to you whatever you choose to do.

dixi

 

[CatEyes]

You can choose to feel any way you want about your life.

The power is yours.

So the answer has always been "Yes, there is a way."

But that was never the real question, was it?

The real situation is you're hungry for someone other than your husband and so you're looking for a reason to cheat on him.

BDSM is just the excuse.

At least, that's what I'm hearing.

A lot of people have invested time in talking to you....

Lance

Lance, I'll admit I'm very confused.

Am I hungry for someone else? Maybe, but not someone else specifically but something else. I've cheated on him already so I know I'm not using BDSM as an excuse. I've sometimes wondered about that myself though.

This is very hard to explain. I don't walk around thinking, "that guy is hot and I want to be with him." I barely pay attention to men when I'm walking around or at work or anytime in my everyday life. I do think about being in certain situations or being with certain types of men. No faces or anything just male/situation. And all those thoughts and desires are D/s related.

All I know is that something is missing and it all comes back to D/s. So am I using it as excuse, I don't think I am, but who knows. Anything is possible.

I know alot of people have invested their time in talking to me and I really appreciate it. Because there's really no one else I can talk to. It's not exactly something you can talk to your co-workers, family or friends about. I do thank everyone for taking the time, listening to my confused ramblings and sharing their thoughts and insight.


CatEyes

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: Re: How do you stop

I think it helps to be clear, CatEyes, which is why I challenged you to be clear.

This is not a therapy site, though the people here can be very supportive.

If you're sure it's BDSM on your mind and not just a stale bed at home...only you know the answer to that.

I suggest we all sometimes will get stuck on something we don't have....sometimes because we are trying to figure out how to get it (a positive use of our brains) and sometimes to punish ourselves because we don't (a negative use).

It seems to me there are are thousand ways to bring BDSM into your relationship....there are lots of good books as well as tons of threads on your very dilemna here on the site.

I suggest you start with using the Search function on this site and buy a book or two for your night-time reading.

You never know....until you know.

Lance

Lance, I'll admit I'm very confused.

Am I hungry for someone else? Maybe, but not someone else specifically but something else. I've cheated on him already so I know I'm not using BDSM as an excuse. I've sometimes wondered about that myself though.

This is very hard to explain. I don't walk around thinking, "that guy is hot and I want to be with him." I barely pay attention to men when I'm walking around or at work or anytime in my everyday life. I do think about being in certain situations or being with certain types of men. No faces or anything just male/situation. And all those thoughts and desires are D/s related.

All I know is that something is missing and it all comes back to D/s. So am I using it as excuse, I don't think I am, but who knows. Anything is possible.

I know alot of people have invested their time in talking to me and I really appreciate it. Because there's really no one else I can talk to. It's not exactly something you can talk to your co-workers, family or friends about. I do thank everyone for taking the time, listening to my confused ramblings and sharing their thoughts and insight.


CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Dixi, you're right. It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me and he can't make me happy if he doesn't know. It just scares me to death to tell him. There's a side of me that he doesn't know anything about and I don't know what he'll think of it/me. If you asked him he'd actually say that I was a prude but deep inside I'm anything but and nothing would make me happier than if we could bring that side out together.

I just realized it's not just him I'm unhappy with, I'm more unhappy with myself. Something to think about.

MissTaken, I hope it works because I think I'm going to give it a shot. Now I just have to get the nerve up to do it and think of how to do it.




CatEyes

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Dixi, you're right. It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me and he can't make me happy if he doesn't know. It just scares me to death to tell him. There's a side of me that he doesn't know anything about and I don't know what he'll think of it/me. If you asked him he'd actually say that I was a prude but deep inside I'm anything but and nothing would make me happier than if we could bring that side out together.

I just realized it's not just him I'm unhappy with, I'm more unhappy with myself. Something to think about.

MissTaken, I hope it works because I think I'm going to give it a shot. Now I just have to get the nerve up to do it and think of how to do it.




CatEyes

Its very interesting that you think he would describe you as a prude, and here's why.....once upon a time my hubby described me in those words exactly. I was one of the most sexually repressed people you'd ever meet. Also not happy with myself, so how in the world could I be happy with my marriage? Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart, always have.

The best way to approach this is to be totally honest with your husband. Also I would suggest having this discussion somewhere other than the bedroom and while you are both calm, cool, and collected. Decide for yourself that this will not turn into an argument, refuse to fight, state your feelings and listen to his.

As Lance said, we are not therapists here. I'm telling you what worked for me personally.....I'm not guarenteeing that this will be the same for you. I don't know either you or your husband, however some of what you've said about yourself hits really close to the mark for being me.

These are my suggestions, thoughts and opinions only. Again I hope things work out for you.

Feel free to pm anytime.

dixi

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

excuse me but...

originally posted by Jim_Henson

I just wanted to point out, that the nilla world is enough for people, many people. You really shouldnt demean it like that.

Thanks for telling me what I should say. Without your help, I might come off sounding like an asshole.

I didn't think I had to add for me to the end of that sentance for it to make sense.

I was talking about myself, and people like me, who have strong feelings and desires involving bdsm. I think for people like me, denial is destructive and ultimately pointless.

I didn't think what I said was demeaning in the least.

-Vv

 

[morninggirl5]

Is there a way to stop hungering for a D/s relationship and just be happy with your vanilla existence?

If anyone knows of a way I'd really love to know.

CatEyes

You can lock yourself away and pretend that that part of yourself doesn't exist. I don't recommend it though, if one part of you is dying, no matter how rewarding the rest of your life is, you'll slowly be suffocating your soul.

 

[Lancecastor]

Denial...

You can lock yourself away and pretend that that part of yourself doesn't exist. I don't recommend it though, if one part of you is dying, no matter how rewarding the rest of your life is, you'll slowly be suffocating your soul.

...is more than just a river in Egypt.

And I suggest that Morninggirl5's dramatic-sounding "all or nothing" advice about your soul is equally as cheesy as that joke.

Because there is only 1 person here who can tell you whether BDSM is right..or not... for you.

And that's you.

Enjoy reading and learning here.

Make your own decisions.

And dont forget to have fun!

Cheers;
Lance

 

[DustyWolfe]

I wish that I could make the feelings go away.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I know

I am sure there are many here who wish they could take your hurt away, too. Know that you are not alone in this.