How do you say goodbye?

[Lost Cause]

The events of 9/11 left me with this to ponder, I would like your feedback.
How do leave people in your life?
Whether it is going off to work, to the store, or on vacation.
Have you gone to sleep mad at the person next to you?
Have you mended bad feelings left after a relationship gone bad?
Got a beef with a family member(s) that hasn't been resolved?
Have you tried to change these lingering loose ends?
Why not?
How would you feel if they weren't here tomorrow?
Things left unsaid, smiles not seen, laughter not heard.


If this topic is too heavy, tell me why.

 

[MissTaken]

I learned this lesson after my dad's first heart attack. At the time, I wasn't speaking to him.

Now, I always clear the air and let my loved one's know how special they are.

I also learned to accept other's limitations. With dear old dad, he loves me as well as he knows how....... and that is now okay.

A heavy thread, maybe? It certainly has the potential to be a good thread.

 

[MidnightAngel]

I always tell my son "I love you. Have a nice day" before he leaves for school in the morning; every morning. When I talk to my Mother, Dad, anybody that I care a lot about....I always tell them I love them before I leave/hang up/etc..

I lost three family members in an accident, my only sibling and her children. It teaches you that you never know if those people will be there tomorrow; make the most of today.

 

[Rambling Rose]

I don't think anyone who is important to me has any doubt as to my feelings for them. I am expressive and immediate. If I am angry or hurt I say it. If I am feeling tender and affectionate I express it. No matter the immediate circumstance, if I love you I will tell you. I do not want anyone to wonder.

By the same token, I know I am loved. My friends and family are very good at giving me that affirmation with not only their words but their actions, as well.

It doesn't have to be so hard. People build walls and sometimes fortresses around their hearts so they do not hurt. I have been hurt many times but I love and I am loved. It makes the hurting seem insignificant in the end.

 

[Adoratrice]

My husband is a Police Officer in a not so nice part of town.........I deal with this every day.............it is very hard at times, I do not have the luxury of letting anything go unresolved for even a few hours......everything must be dealt with as soon as it comes up because I know I would not be able to go on if he left the house while I was upset with him and something happened to him. I am a very expressive person anyway so everybody around me pretty much knows what I am feeling as I am feeling it. Up until the beginning of this year I had gone 10 years without speaking to my mother....she was very abusive & let (knew about) others doing horrible things to me as a child. Still, it was very hard to resolve that . My biggest fear was her dying and me being left with regrets...............so I forgave her...........then I called her, wrote her many letters. She will never be my best friend but the choke hold is gone and I will rest easy when she is gone knowing there was nothing left unsaid.

 

[MysticSwing]

After my Dad died on December 15th of last year I spent many tear filled nights asking myself if he knew just how much I loved him? How much he has given me through out the years by just being a part of my life? How much he has taught me as a Father and a friend? How much he has helped to mold me into the caring, responsible human bieng I am today??
I HATED having those questions!
I swore to myself that I would NEVER let anyone leave me again with out knowing just how much I love them and just what they mean to me.

~~Mystic

 

[EnchantedBeauty]

I say the most important words you can say to someone you care about "I Love You". My husband always has a hard time expressing himself. Well one day we got into this huge fight and he finally told me why. He explained that everyone he always showed his love to has died. So somewhere in his mind he figures if he doesnt show his love that person will stick around. I know it seems silly but thats how he honestly felt. Well I explained to him that wouldnt you want that person that you loved to know how much you cared about them while they are alive? Instead of mourning them after they die. I think I got through to him...he definitely has changed since then. Yeah I know I am rambling....

 

[juicylips]

Sometimes you can't

My grandmother passed away when I lived in another state and though I tried to get to the hospital in time to see her before she died, I didn't make it.

It has taken me 11 yrs to get rid of the guilt of not being there and not telling her one last time how much I loved her. I still imagine her hand in mine and my heart bleeds.

Cassidy

 

[KillerMuffin]

When I was 19 I sent my StudMuffin off to war. I learned very well to make sure that everyday I let everyone I love know that I love them. I just don't think that death is saying "goodbye." I think it's saying, "See you later."

 

[Savage Kitten]

How do leave people in your life?

It's very hard, even before 9/11. Every day I go to work with the realization that I may not make it home. I physically show affection to my children as often as I possibly can. There is not one time that I leave them that I don't tell them I love them and kiss them goodbye.

Sometimes I wrestle with the idea of how I would say goodbye to my children if one of them were to die before me. I honestly don't know what I would do or how I would handle it.

 

[Guest]

Re: Sometimes you can't

My grandmother passed away when I lived in another state and though I tried to get to the hospital in time to see her before she died, I didn't make it.

It has taken me 11 yrs to get rid of the guilt of not being there and not telling her one last time how much I loved her. I still imagine her hand in mine and my heart bleeds.

Cassidy

juicylips,

The words you wrote could actually be my own. I went to live in Sicily for a few months when I was 21. My grandmother had been ill off and on for several years at that point. On the day I left, she was so very angry at me - for what, I didn't have a clue. It wasn't until I was walking out the door that she turned to me and I could see the tears in her eyes. She knew in her heart that she wouldn't see me ever again and as I looked at her, I, too, had that same feeling. We never spoke those words to one another, it was just something that was passed between us with our eyes. I hugged her and kissed her and told her how much I loved her.

One week after I had gone, I received a phone call and was told by my father that my grandmother had passed away. There was no way I could get home for her funeral as I didn't have the money. It was one of the most terrible times I've ever had. What makes it worse, though, is that 2 months later, I received a phone call telling me my dad had passed away. I still have no idea how I made it home, but I did.

Just as Enchanted Beauty said about her husband and his fears about those he loves leaving him through death, I too have those same fears. It's so very difficult for me to say good-bye to anyone. I don't think that will ever change. It's just a natural fear because of what I've been through.

When I moved to Ohio, I was only here for a few months when my mom took ill on Thanksgiving Day. I can remember making that 7 hour drive not knowing what I would find when I arrived. I was so afraid to call because I didn't want to hear those words I dreaded so much. My mom was able to make it through her ordeal, but just recently did pass away.

Whenever I have to leave someone, I always make sure to hug them and hold them as tightly as I possibly can.....because you just never know. I always tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. When my son leaves for school in the morning, I always tell him how much I love him and need him with me. And, I always tell him how very proud of him I am.

Lost Cause, I guess there is no easy answer for this except to always tell those you love and care about just that. I never let an arguement linger, and I never hold a grudge against anyone, which is probably because of what has happened in the past.

No, this is not an easy topic, but it does cleanse the soul.

 

[cymbidia]

Years ago, i was the last family member to see my brother alive before he killed himself. He was 18. I hope he knew i cared for him and loved him; the thought that he might not have known still tears at me in dark places of my guilt and grief.

A couple years ago, my daughter was in intensive care. She was 11 and she was dying of anorexia. Her docs had told us she had only a handful of days left to live, that she would likely die in 5 to 7 days without some kind of major turning of the tides. She pulled through and is fine today but it was horrible beyond the telling back then. Her father and i didn't leave her side for days and days, screaming "I love you" and "you cannot die" when just talking and holding her hand and singing and crying didn't seem to matter. I think i might have died if she had died, back then.

I've learned that you must tell the people you love that you love them, all the time. They can't know it if you don't just come out and say it.

I have almost-ritualistic "I love you's" that i say to my kids when i kiss them good night or send them out the door to school or see them after school or look at them sitting around the dinner table at night or.... or... or...

No one in my life wonders if i love them.
Not anymore.
Not ever.

When it's time to say good-bye to someone in a permanent manner, i'll know that they knew that i loved them.

 

[StondTmplPilot]

this thread brings tears to my eyes...

My parents are both advanced in age and this thread has made me realize that 1) I do not call them enough to tell them I love them, that will change immediately 2) I do not visit them often enough...this too will change

I want to thank all that have told of their experiences...and also to Lost Cause for starting the thread

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Saying the words is never enough....

Love is not a mantra; it's a mindset. Mouthing the words is meaningless unless you are committed to a loving relationship.

For the past several years I have worked hard to repair and nurture reltionships to the people who are important to me. There is no doubt in my mind that if something ever happened to me or any of them that there would be little doubt of our feelings for each other. My love for them is unequivocal and the words that we speak about our love for each other only confirms that.

So many people bear the extra weight of anger and hate that distorts their view of those close to them. It takes hard work to change a relationship with a loved one. For me, it has been the most rewarding work that I have ever done.

blue

 

[MysticSwing]

Re: this thread brings tears to my eyes...

My parents are both advanced in age and this thread has made me realize that 1) I do not call them enough to tell them I love them, that will change immediately 2) I do not visit them often enough...this too will change

I want to thank all that have told of their experiences...and also to Lost Cause for starting the thread

STP,
My Dad was only 56 when he died quite unexpectedly. I think it's important, no matter what age our loved ones are, to tell them how much you love and appreciate them. Hey, and when you get the chance, give both of your parents a great big hug! I would do anything to hug my Dad just one more time! *smile*

~~Mystic

 

[Georgia Girl]

As a rule, I never tell anyone "Good-bye", I end all conversations with "Talk to you later" regardless of how well I know the person. I spent many years away from my family as my ex was in the navy, I never wanted to say those words because they are too final in my heart. This began my habit of not saying good-bye and it is one I have continued for many years now. Each day as I drop my son off at school I give him a hug, a kiss and tell him how much I love him. He and I spend quite a good bit of time on the road commuting so I never want him to have a doubt if he lost me that mommy did in fact love him a great deal. So any of you I see over in chat will see that even there, I never say good-bye.

Talk to ya'll later, have a good day.

 

[sarahuk4]

Well I wasn't as lucky to say "Goodbye " to my fiance at the time , I was only 17 , and I lost him to a car crash .....his mother blamed me , wouldn't let me go to funeral , blamed me all the time , but his father allowed me to put "our " song , a record , (sorry for you young ones that is what we had before cds)....."Heart of Gold ", Neil Young ....I visit his grave every month still ......and a good friend on here , found me the words for that song , I will be ever grateful to him , as I have had them laminated and put them on his grave , held down with a huge stone .......

So now , I always tell my boys and hubby that I love them every day , and my parents and every body that means something to me ........it is so important ......

 

[MissTaken]

As a rule, I never tell anyone "Good-bye", I end all conversations with "Talk to you later" regardless of how well I know the person.

That reminded me.....I do the same. It is either "Talk to ya later or "See you soon."

I lost an aunt (age 41) and an uncle (51) to cancer within 12 months time. (I was particularly close to my aunt as we were nearly the same age.) With both, I knew the last time I saw them was the final time I would. I made sure they got to touch my babies and even though I knew I would never visit them alive again, it was..."Well, we will see ya soon!"

So, in response to the thread, I don't do good byes.

Of course, I periodically right my aunt letters, still. I hope that doesn't make me crazy. I would rather think it helps keep me sane!

 

[Debbie]

KillerMuffin said it so well.
quote" I just don't think that death is saying "goodbye." I think it's saying, "See you later."

Thank you for this thread Lost Cause and to everyone who has shared with us. I cried as I read. And remembered one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever had to make.

April 1999 my husband had an emergency triple bypass. He had been having small heart attacks and hiding them from me. I had found my soulmate. I love him so much and I thought he might not make it. This is a snippet from a poem I wrote him as I waited the long hours as they operated on him. Surrounded by older people who were more concerned about me and how young I was. Saying things I will never forget. The beautiful small memories they spoke of the things they had done together. Saying that if their loved one passed away they had many good years and that they would be together again some day.

"I walked away with tears in my eyes
As we parted and said no goodbyes
I mouthed the words "I love you"
Our eyes met and your face said it too"

He lived and each day I show him in small ways I love him and tell him before I go to sleep that I love him.

Life is short.

CYA later and take care

 

[*Lazer*]

Sometimes the sad reality is you profess your love but the words are not heard ......

It is human nature to cling together after a tragedy. Just as it is human nature to forget it as time fades the pain of the loss. Corny as it is, I say, I love you to Roger so often he must be sick of it. I feel it so I say it. I was that way before Sept 11th and so it did not change my behavior.

What changed my behavior had more to do with being totally alone in the world without anyone who cared. It was frightening for a young kid but it also taught me to value love when offered to me. It takes strength to put aside false modesty or fear and reach for what you love with both hands. I do know that once you take that step towards your heart's desire, win or lose you gain something important. I am rambling here but it is my opinion, that if those you love do not know you love them, it is time to take their sweet faces in your hands and let them know.

 

[alexander tzara]

I love you.

 

[Debbie]

*bump* for Lost Cause
I wanted to say thank you again for this thread and bump it up for others who hadn't seen it.

 

[Chuckus]

I have and always will never say GOOD BYE. I just say I will catch you later..............and that has been ever since I was a kiddo.

I had a traumatic event change the way I leave things.

I don't goto bed mad at people. I tell people I love, that I love them. I don't say Good Bye. IMHO Death is only, See Ya Later or See You on the Other Side.

So to me, Good Bye is not correct. People I know and who know me, understand what See Ya Later means.........and why I say that.

 

[Lost Cause]

Reading the posts sure kept my eyes well watered. The reason for the thread is the way I say goodbye is, "Have Fun!". From high school on I've had people close to me die. In the military, I held my friend in my arms with his forehead gone, I talked to him and soothed him till he passed. It seems like it never ends. Being a biker, I lose alot of friends to the road. My Parents are seniors now, I always let them know how much I love them, and how grateful and proud I am for them being there. I know someday when they are gone, that I will be truly alone in the world. Thankyou all for these posts, I hope it did not open any old wounds in your souls.
LC

 

[Debbie]

Thank you Lost Cause, it did not open any old wounds in my soul, it was a reminder in a time that I needed to be reminded how much people mean to me. It was refreshing in a sense. Sometimes we get bogged down in life's crap. Till someone comes along and reminds us about the 'bigger' issues.