How do you help someone get over being abused

[theshadow]

All you can do i guess is what has been said before, paitience, love, and understanding.. In my situation which is on a different threat in this forum, I have made a mistake by pushing a person too much to get things back on track.. This probably is the worst thing to do towards someone who has been in an abusive relationship and finds it hard to trust someone..

Patience is the key and being there for them, but sometimes that is not enough... It makes me think do women really want nice guys these days?..

 

[Native Alien]

yes shadow we really do want nice guys these days.

the part that you are not seeing here is that she has to heal herself before she can even begin to have any type of relationship that would be considered healthy. the one thing that she must do is to get out of the abusive relationship.

 

[Gil_T2]

yes shadow we really do want nice guys these days.

the part that you are not seeing here is that she has to heal herself before she can even begin to have any type of relationship that would be considered healthy. the one thing that she must do is to get out of the abusive relationship.

NA your words are so true the person who has suffered the abuse has heard for way to long that they are worthless andasoutsiders it's clear to us that this is crap but the person will need to see they are a good person.

 

[Native Alien]

the point is that no matter how much an outsider tells one that, it must also start to come from within and then the person who has been abused has to start believing it. That is what we were speaking to...

The abused person has to start standing on their own two feet again and become responsible for themselves before they can have a relationship that will be all it can be.

Bandit brought up a very valid point in that she is the exception to the rule, but if you look at her you see that she got out on her own and was already standing on her own to feet, (which I commend her highly for). In her case, ( please forgive me Bandit, but you are a very good example), she had already started the healing process on her own. Therefore when she met her love, she was ready and therefore the relationship had a chance and was not doomed before it got started.

 

[kikmosa]

Then what about those of us that had no rescuer and didn't get out on their own? I didn't get out, he left me. Believe me, I'm not complaining. ohhh nooo.. Just wonder if that makes a difference also. I mean, I knew it was a bad relationship (understatement) and I wanted out (more then you'll ever know) but I wasn't helped out and I didn't get out on my own. Is that why I feel like I'm stuck in limbo? And the comments about selfworth are very true. I've been put down and belittled for so long (even before him) that I've always believed it. Like my sister said..."If you want love then you'd better buy it because there's no way any man is going to WANT someone like you. Your short, fat, ugly and stupid and the sooner you realise that the better off you'll be."
You hear that often enough and you start to believe it. How do I break that cycle? How do I start believing in myself again? I have nothing but contempt for myself. For listening to them, for not getting away from him, even for living in fear all the time. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this.

 

[Native Alien]

Kikmosa,

i would so love to chat with you sometime...i think that it does make difference in the way that the abusive relationship ends. When is the abuser leaves and is just gone, you are left with so much self doubt...it is like you think to yourself, not only am i not good enough for a normal relationship, but now i am not good enough to even be abused. it could very well be why you seem to be stuck.

You are better than you know and you have courage that makes mine pale in comparison...believe that...you have strength that you don't know about. you will get past it and it won't be easy. i won't lie to you about it. recovering from this is a long, hard road and it takes a special person in my mind to make it.

as to what your sister said, did it ever occur to you that maybe she is jealous? that she wishes that she had the inner strength and resolve that you do? I usually find that when people belittle another person it is for one of two reasons. one, they are jealous, and/or they are trying to compensate for their own insecurities.

Kikmosa, any time you just need holler. my email is on the profile and i use msn messager and yahoo IM. Gil has the screen handles and tell him I said to send them to you. I am off to shower so that I can get my ass to class and take this stupid math midterm...i hate math, i hate midterms, and i hate that college cuts into my play time....

damn it rambling again....

 

[Don K Dyck]

What amfig and I were speaking of are the relationships that come from getting out of the abusive relationships with the help of someone and then becoming dependent on that person.
....just overlook me....

Hi Alien, what you have said is too important to overlook . . . you are warning others of the tendency for a "victim" to substitute their "rescuer' for their first "abuser" . . . out of the frying pan and back into the frying pan . . .

Recovery includes building self-esteem to the point where YOU choose the relationship, not out of desparation but because you want to be in it with THAT person . . . it takes time to unlearn the experiences of a lifetime . . . to learn that "I am worhwhile and valued", especially if the childhood feedback was not positive . . . it is important to take the time to re-build yourself before rushing back into a relationship.

For some people there is Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), for family of alcoholics there is Al-Anon, for children of alcoholics there is Al-A-Teen and the Adult Child Programme . . . and alcohol plays a role in many of the abusive situations in which kids grow up. Contacts for these organisations can be found in local telephone books or on the web . . .

 

[Don K Dyck]

Normal Situation for Now

Then what about those of us that had no rescuer and didn't get out on their own? I didn't get out, he left me. Believe me, I'm not complaining. ohhh nooo.. Just wonder if that makes a difference also. I mean, I knew it was a bad relationship (understatement) and I wanted out (more then you'll ever know) but I wasn't helped out and I didn't get out on my own. Is that why I feel like I'm stuck in limbo? And the comments about selfworth are very true. I've been put down and belittled for so long (even before him) that I've always believed it. Like my sister said..."If you want love then you'd better buy it because there's no way any man is going to WANT someone like you. Your short, fat, ugly and stupid and the sooner you realise that the better off you'll be."
You hear that often enough and you start to believe it. How do I break that cycle? How do I start believing in myself again? I have nothing but contempt for myself. For listening to them, for not getting away from him, even for living in fear all the time. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this.

Hi Kiki, this rush of feelings that you are having is quite a usual positive reaction at this stage of your recovery . . . it demonstrates that you recognise the true situation that you have left behind you, and want to move on to something better . . . you'll get past this stage, we all do . . . the doubts are a natural consequence of surviving until now, despite the horrendous circumstances . . . you are doing fine, keep going forward.

Oh, and tell your "loving" sister the next time she shoot off her mouth that Don thinks she is an unwiped arsehole . . .

 

[Native Alien]

While I agree wholeheartedly with you Don, ( and i hope you don't mind that I call you Don), I have a major problem with AA and Al-anon. But that is neither here not there in this case.

There are no groups really for truly battered women or men. Our best bet for support is to find people who have been where we are at the time. I have a doctor who told me up front that he had never dealt with anything like what happened to me, but if I was willing then he would do what he could. Our first concern with me was the extensive physical injuries that had to be dealt with.


When I see him (which i still do on an ongoing, regular basis for medical care and follow-ups)...he always says that he wishes that they had better prepared him for the aftermath of the savagery of some human beings...I have spoken to councilors and therapists...only to see them recoil in fear, because they know that it could be them that it happened to.

I have a couple of very close friends that know what happened and one of them is a surviver of abuse...He has been my rock at times to lean on, but just when it all got confusing and I couldn't find daylight. He insisted that I move on and get whatever was confusing me and/or scaring me into the daylight to get it gone.

Kikmosa you are not alone and if you need me I am here. I will give you the same thing that he gave me...not thru a relationship but just the opportunity to vent and question and be the me that I needed to be to move forward...

 

[kikmosa]

...................
Kikmosa you are not alone and if you need me I am here. I will give you the same thing that he gave me...not thru a relationship but just the opportunity to vent and question and be the me that I needed to be to move forward...

My main question is, How do I learn to trust again? And not just men. I don't even trust myself anymore. I should have seen the signs. Even before I ended up there he was a very jealous man. I was flattered at first, I've never had anyone pay me any attention until him. But then it got to where he sulked if I even spoke to anyone but him. He made sure that we always were assigned together at work. He started hanging out around me and my roommates all the time. How could I not see what was happening? Am I truely that blind or am I just stupid? I can't trust my own judgement anymore. The more I like someone the more I push away from them. How do I learn to trust myself again?

 

[Bandit58]

I was never physically abused as in being beaten, but I was forced (by emotional blackmail) into having sex when I didn't want to. I was put down very subtly for so long until I really believed that being stuck on a farm and being at his beck and call was all I was good for, and I was doomed to be just so and so's wife for the rest of my life.

I thought I was unattractive and fat and no one else would want me. I had no where to go and no job (I hadn't worked outside the home for almost 23 years). Slowly but surely I changed myself, I lost weight (without even trying, I lost 5kg (11lbs) and got my shape back), I got a job (which was offered to me), I was only 3 papers away from getting a qualification. I guess I got out from under without even realising it, and then I realised that I didn't have to put up with this crap, that I was worth something after all.

Kiki this all didn't happen overnight, I had known that things weren't right for years, but didn't have the self-esteem and the courage to do anything about it until this year. Be strong hun, you have lots of friends and support here.....

I have been lucky. Even now, because I can't be with the one I love, it is giving me the time I need to grow as a person in my own right, so that when we do get together we will both be ready to start a new life

 

[Native Alien]

Kikmosa,

there is no way you could have seen what he was upfront...that is the way that they are...and they are insidious in the way that they operate...do not blame yourself, the golden rule in these cases. You had no way of knowing and they are at the top of the charmers list...i think it is a common question for someone who has been abused to ask the question of why...it has nothing to do with you being blind or stupid. as to the more you like someone the more you push them away...that is because of fear. you have to learn to say to yourself...okay self, i realize that i am afraid and this is why. allow yourself to be scared and then get control of that fear.

trusting again is the hardest part and usually the very hardest part of that is to learn to trust your self again. start with the small things that you can do...you go to work, that is a decision. trust yourself on that one. you just keep adding the small ones and the big ones just happen. you learn with time and experience to trust yourself again.

it will happen, honest...and after a while of trusting you, you will slowly start trusting others....hell, i think that you already have started to trust others...you may question that trust at times but we all do that.

 

[lovechild27]

Be strong, be aware there will be some baggage. Be available to listen to sobbing nonsense at any hour of the day. Be aware that she is sensitive. And just be willing to show her there is a different kind of man out there. And encourage her to maybe try therapy or a group so she can work things out. It is a tough job! But I think you can do it...

 

[Gil_T2]

Your sister is WRONG

Then what about those of us that had no rescuer and didn't get out on their own? I didn't get out, he left me. Believe me, I'm not complaining. ohhh nooo.. Just wonder if that makes a difference also. I mean, I knew it was a bad relationship (understatement) and I wanted out (more then you'll ever know) but I wasn't helped out and I didn't get out on my own. Is that why I feel like I'm stuck in limbo? And the comments about selfworth are very true. I've been put down and belittled for so long (even before him) that I've always believed it. Like my sister said..."If you want love then you'd better buy it because there's no way any man is going to WANT someone like you. Your short, fat, ugly and stupid and the sooner you realise that the better off you'll be."
You hear that often enough and you start to believe it. How do I break that cycle? How do I start believing in myself again? I have nothing but contempt for myself. For listening to them, for not getting away from him, even for living in fear all the time. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this.

I hope that you know that your sister is wrong,wrong,wrong you might be short nobody can change that and the rest of her comments are just CRAP..... I think you have gathered from your do men really like BBW that there are lots of guys who do LOVE BBW.

 

[Monazwx]

Good to see ya at Lit. again Gil.

 

[Native Alien]

this is a little off the topic but ,

Mona i really like that av...

 

[Monazwx]

Why thank you so much, to you and Ms. Terious.
I have tons to say on the thread, but right now I'm trying to size down my halloween AV.

I'll be posting again ASAP. I saw Gil and wanted to say hello.
Thanks again cutie.

 

[Amfig]

While I agree wholeheartedly with you Don, ( and i hope you don't mind that I call you Don), I have a major problem with AA and Al-anon. But that is neither here not there in this case.

There are no groups really for truly battered women or men. Our best bet for support is to find people who have been where we are at the time. I have a doctor who told me up front that he had never dealt with anything like what happened to me, but if I was willing then he would do what he could. Our first concern with me was the extensive physical injuries that had to be dealt with.


When I see him (which i still do on an ongoing, regular basis for medical care and follow-ups)...he always says that he wishes that they had better prepared him for the aftermath of the savagery of some human beings...I have spoken to councilors and therapists...only to see them recoil in fear, because they know that it could be them that it happened to.

I have a couple of very close friends that know what happened and one of them is a surviver of abuse...He has been my rock at times to lean on, but just when it all got confusing and I couldn't find daylight. He insisted that I move on and get whatever was confusing me and/or scaring me into the daylight to get it gone.

Native Alien, I have never met you, but I admire both your insight and your gentle spirit. It suprises me how often I see that you and I think alike on this thread, although our experiences appear to be quite dissimilar.

One core concept of the 12 Step program groups recovery model is that a group of people, all of whom suffer from a common problem can help and support others in recognition and recovery from that common issue. While I agree that there is no true support group for survivors of abusive relationships, there are resources. One free one is alt.abuse heirarchy in usenet. Here are some groups in that heirarchy:

alt.abuse
alt.abuse.offender
alt.abuse.offender.recovery
alt.abuse.recovery
alt.abuse.transcendence
alt.abuse-recovery

If anyone does not know how to access usenet newsgroups and might be interested in these, PM me an I will give you a few basic instructions.

 

[Native Alien]

thank you for the kind words amfig, but there are people who would seriously disagree about the gentle nature with you.

i don't have a problem with most 12 step programs and thank you for the links...i just have a problem with AA and Al-Anon because to me and the few meetings of both that i attended they were not only condoning the abuse but teaching people how to live it.

but that is just my opinion and if it is working for someone else, please don't stop going...all are not the same as the ones that i went to.

 

[Gil_T2]

Good to see ya at Lit. again Gil.

Thanks Mona It's good to be back

 

[Native Alien]

good evening Gil and see what you started...a how to thread that actually makes sense and that can help others...glad to have back with us.

 

[Gil_T2]

and now

I must rest again


amfig maybe you could include the link to that site so those that might look at it can.

Thanks for your effort to assist this thread which is so important to me.

 

[Amfig]

Re: and now

amfig maybe you could include the link to that site so those that might look at it can.

Thanks for your effort to assist this thread which is so important to me.

It is not a site, as such. It is an internet newsgroup. Outlook Express is a newsreader. There are many other, better ones. In Outlook, go to the "set up newsgroups" tab. To set up a newsgroup, you need to get the name of your newsserver from your ISP. Retrieve the available groups from your isp's newsserver. Subscribe to the groups that interest you, download the headers and double click the article or post headers to read.

If your isp newsserver does not have the groups you are interested in, there are services available for subscription, such as supernews, newsfeeds, newsguy, easynews and altopia. The url to each of these would be www.newsguy.com, etc. Some of these subscription services offer web based newsreaders.

Newsgroups are similar to discussion boards at lit in the way that they work. There is also a newsreader in Netscape, but I do not know how to use it.

The internet is not merely the world wide web. Lot of stuff on the "internet" that web/IE/Netscape users may not know about, or ever have seen.

 

[Native Alien]

i think that the one thing (after giving this it's due consideration, during class when i should have been listening to a very dry, dull, and boring lecture), Kikmosa shows is that biggest problem that most (not all) abused people have is the guilt...

why didn't i see this coming, how could i have not known this was going to happen, how could i trust this person?

the answer is actually quite simple...no one can...and the bad part is that the abuse usually starts very slowly and is very carefully hidden by both the involved parties...

as to the regaining the trust in one's self...that is something that will come with time...as to trusting others...that takes even longer in most cases...

i really hate to be so general here but there are exceptions to every rule...no one case of abuse is the same as another...the common factor is that the end result can be the same thing...a broken human that feels uncapable of being worthy enough for anyone to love...

 

[kikmosa]

i think that the one thing (after giving this it's due consideration, during class when i should have been listening to a very dry, dull, and boring lecture), Kikmosa shows is that biggest problem that most (not all) abused people have is the guilt...

why didn't i see this coming, how could i have not known this was going to happen, how could i trust this person?

the answer is actually quite simple...no one can...and the bad part is that the abuse usually starts very slowly and is very carefully hidden by both the involved parties...

as to the regaining the trust in one's self...that is something that will come with time...as to trusting others...that takes even longer in most cases...

i really hate to be so general here but there are exceptions to every rule...no one case of abuse is the same as another...the common factor is that the end result can be the same thing...a broken human that feels uncapable of being worthy enough for anyone to love...

That's it. that's exactly how I feel. I can't trust myself so how can I trust anyone else. Even though my abuse started right away and no one there cared, I still feel that I should have know it before he got that close to me. I was just so lonely at the time that the little attention he gave me felt so good. Looking back I can see what I should have then. The possiveness, the times he got angry, the drinking. I guess the drinking didn't bother me so much then though. My father was an alcoholic so I was pretty used to it by then. But I should have seen and I should have run then. But I let his flattery blind me to the truth.
And I feel more then broken. I feel like discarded trash. Why would anyone else ever want me. I'm used up and destroyed. Beyond worthless. If I ever had a value it's long since gone. Now just being near me take value from the other. I hate me. And I's so ANGRY