How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

Judging abuse victims is wrong, they need help and support, not have some idiot spout bullshit at them

Thanks MARY you have summed it up well.

 

[Missingmeds]

I apologize if what I said seemed harsh to some here. But I have lurked quite a bit and have read other posts by this person. I try really hard not to feed the trolls but sometimes it just gets the best of me.

It also occurs to me that what this person said to Kiki was actually emotionally and mentally abusive to her. While she is one of the strongest people I know, she still has her limits.

Thank you Gil for your post and you, Sheath, thank you more than you know.

 

[Don K Dyck]

DON..I'm sure your got E's sex wrong as I had a PM about one of E's post stating "HE" loved blow jobs but wouldn't return the favor for the lady ( STRANGE in it's self not wanting to thank a lady for oral sex with oral sex is just right to me).....HIS statement about oral sex makes me wonder more on E's maturity too.... or is it strange that HE figures it's OK for a lady to give him a treat yet no willingness to do the same....bet he don't give them a kiss after oral either.

Hi Gil . . . I think you're correct . . . ecstacey appears to be MALE by his own admission . . . speed reading can have its difficulties . . .

i know your story all to well. infact its quite similar to mine. my brother was married to this woman, me and her became instant friends we would talk on the phone for hours she was like a girl version of me. he began suspecting us of an affair but that wasnt the case we were like brother and sister. one night me and my brother got into a heated arguement. needless to say i got beaten up severely to the point i could barely move. he took his pocket knife or some sort of sharp looking object *my vision was highly blurred at the time*and craved lines in my face that were suppose to symbolise tear drops of a p*ssy in his words. but he really got them from a comic book character i and his wife were real fans of and simply immitated that tatoo the character had on me. i didnt press charges, i guess cause of the whole man is a man thing and have since pretty much devoted my life to staying at home on the internet. the scars have faded but are still highly visible. im hoping to one day meet my family again who i wont see till the scars have faded a bit in order not to frighten them.[/B]

If you read his story it appears to show that he was sweet on his brother's gf and got trashed because of it. Then to compound the problem he appears to have failed to report the assault . . .

Now was it brotherly love that prevented the reporting? . . . or, was it that there was some basis of fact in his brother's concerns about ecstacey's relationship with his gf??

Is ecstacey staying away from his family because he thinks that they will take his brother's side because there has been a history of similar events earlier in life??

There are many speculations, and only ecstacey can resolve his facts . . . I hope he seeks professional assistance . . . soon.

 

[fnnyworld]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

Patience above all, with unconditional acceptance. Moods have a way of slamming you, if a "flashback" occurs. Most people think you should have a "time or place" for that sort of thing....There isn't one.

There are times when my partner would act like because it is not the same person you are with, that the old fear won't rear it's ugly head. Sometimes it does. Just because you care deeply for someone and are now able to enjoy sex and love, doesn't mean that your memory banks are cleared.

If I have a sexual problem (albeit psychological) with giving oral to a man. It never fails (EVER) that a lover and even my husband of twenty years, thinks they can make you like it.

It doesn't work that way.

Finding out that there are so many ways to enjoy sexual pleasures within the comfort zone and re-assuring that you are accepting them "as-is" does help.

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

Patience above all, with unconditional acceptance. Moods have a way of slamming you, if a "flashback" occurs. Most people think you should have a "time or place" for that sort of thing....There isn't one.

<snip>
It doesn't work that way.

Finding out that there are so many ways to enjoy sexual pleasures within the comfort zone and re-assuring that you are accepting them "as-is" does help.

That is so true fnnyworld.... I find there are some times I get slammed, and feel its inappropriate to "feel it".... I hold it in....waiting for a moment when I can release it out from me.... not everyone understand this....and I've found a few who just say "you have to get over it"......as if its erasable....it never is, but it is possible to get through.... with time...engergy and patience..

Thank you for your post!

 

[fnnyworld]

That is so true fnnyworld.... I find there are some times I get slammed, and feel its inappropriate to "feel it".... I hold it in....waiting for a moment when I can release it out from me.... not everyone understand this....and I've found a few who just say "you have to get over it"......as if its erasable....it never is, but it is possible to get through.... with time...engergy and patience..

Thank you for your post!

I hope "appropriate" doesn't stay a question in your mind. Feelings can never be inappropriate in my mind, they just are.

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

I hope "appropriate" doesn't stay a question in your mind. Feelings can never be inappropriate in my mind, they just are.

that was an ooppps....I meant that the moment was the right time...not a safe person with whom to share my emotion.... that kind of appropriate.... feelings are just that....they are...thanks..

 

[fnnyworld]

Re: Re: Re: How do you help someone get over being abused

that was an ooppps....I meant that the moment was the right time...not a safe person with whom to share my emotion.... that kind of appropriate.... feelings are just that....they are...thanks..

Boy do I understand the timing...good luck lady, I hope you will talk when you feel like it.

 

[fnnyworld]

Hi MM!

I apologize if what I said seemed harsh to some here. But I have lurked quite a bit and have read other posts by this person. I try really hard not to feed the trolls but sometimes it just gets the best of me.

It also occurs to me that what this person said to Kiki was actually emotionally and mentally abusive to her. While she is one of the strongest people I know, she still has her limits.

Thank you Gil for your post and you, Sheath, thank you more than you know.

Wise, as always. Never feed the trolls, but don't be too harsh on yourself for this one. I wanted to smack him too.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Hi MM!

Wise, as always. Never feed the trolls, but don't be too harsh on yourself for this one. I wanted to smack him too.

Unfortunately in this world we have way to many narrow minded fools who can't see their own ideas are not sane or normal.

Thanks for dropping in & posting.

ALL reasonable ppl are welcomed on the thread.

 

[Missingmeds]

It occurs to me that one of the things that abused people need is continued support, especially emotional support. They don't need someone pointing out what some might consider their shortcomings.

Deciding on one of two basically instinctal courses of actions can be almost deafening. Fight or flight response and then the cost to families and friends when either option is used, would be enough to immobilize most people.

To those of you that have gotten out, you have my prayers for continued strenght. To those that are getting out, you have my prayers as well.

Good morning Gil_T

 

[Gil_T2]

It occurs to me that one of the things that abused people need is continued support, especially emotional support. They don't need someone pointing out what some might consider their shortcomings.

Deciding on one of two basically instinctal courses of actions can be almost deafening. Fight or flight response and then the cost to families and friends when either option is used, would be enough to immobilize most people.

To those of you that have gotten out, you have my prayers for continued strenght. To those that are getting out, you have my prayers as well.

Good morning Gil_T

SUPPORT FOR THE ABUSED IS WHY THIS THREAD KEEPS GOING.It as most know started to help one lady but since then we have become the support thread for many who have needed to find the help to escape their abuse or to cope with starting living again & that & no other reason this thread exists.

 

[Missingmeds]

Good morning and this might get a little long winded but I need to get this out of my system.

I have a friend, she was in a emotionally and mentally relationship with a boyfriend who passed away 5 years ago. She keeps telling me that she wouldn't have stayed with him as long as she did, but she made a promise to his mother.

Anyway, I am wondering if someone can tell me what kind of councilling to talk with her about getting. You see, she didn't take care of herself when she was with him and it has taken it's toll. She is now in hospital, and I am afraid that she is going to lose both legs from the knee down.

She is now 52 years old, weighs over 400 lbs, and her legs are in really bad shape. Her mother was telling me that while this "boyfriend" was living he drank alot and treated her really badly. If she so much as mentioned going to a doctor for anything he accused her of only going to get more diet pills. Not that she ever got them in the first place.

Can anyone give me even a hint of a direction to start in? I don't want to lose a friend this way.

 

[ecstacey]

Like I said...I lurk a bit on this thread, and I have to agree with Missingmeds. It seems this particular poster likes to call others liars, make judgment calls across the board, and basically just stir up trouble. I put him/her on ignore after reading the comment that Kikmosa should have done something to prevent her abuser from abusing someone else, yet then ecstacey stated he/she did not press charges against his/her attacker, either? Hypocritical to the letter, and that was when my ignore button got pushed.

I agree, there are problems that need to be addressed. Problems that include vast bitterness and attacking others. I sincerely hope ecstacey gets some intensive counseling...soon.

S.

OH MY GOD, DOES ANYONE READ POSTS ANYMORE?!? at first i didnt report it but eventually i did. and i wasnt berating anyone for not going to the police when they had the chance i asked kimosa why she didnt! and you CLAIMED to have pressed the ignore button before i even posted my story of abuse i went through.

DON..I'm sure your got E's sex wrong as I had a PM about one of E's post stating "HE" loved blow jobs but wouldn't return the favor for the lady ( STRANGE in it's self not wanting to thank a lady for oral sex with oral sex is just right to me).....HIS statement about oral sex makes me wonder more on E's maturity too.... or is it strange that HE figures it's OK for a lady to give him a treat yet no willingness to do the same....bet he don't give them a kiss after oral either.

i would like to return the favour but simply cant i dont know why. im very honest with the person i have sex with, i let them know first hand that if they want to give me oral i wont be likely to return the favour.

Tending to agree with you Don..... I certainly want people to give me a second chance....a third, fourth and so on.....who am I to judge now that she has let a bit of herself to show.....

Esctasey....I wish you well....I'm sorry for your pain.

thankyou its nice to know some of you care. as i said before my intentions were not to attack anyone just to get a glimpse of understanding.

 

[fnnyworld]

Good morning and this might get a little long winded but I need to get this out of my system.

I have a friend, she was in a emotionally and mentally relationship with a boyfriend who passed away 5 years ago.

<snip>

Can anyone give me even a hint of a direction to start in? I don't want to lose a friend this way.

Hi MM,
I don't know if this is the place to say this, so I'm going for it. A friend who suffers hopelessness needs more than a shrink.

They need hope.

Help her find Jesus Christ and purist love there is, from God...who never judges, always forgives, never turns away, is never shocked, never disappointed, and will never leave.

good luck!

 

[fnnyworld]

[/QUOTE] i would like to return the favour but simply cant i dont know why. im very honest with the person i have sex with, i let them know first hand that if they want to give me oral i wont be likely to return the favour. [/B][/QUOTE]

That's all you can do, is be honest. This is not at all unique. I have to do the same.

 

[ecstacey]

Hi Gil . . . I think you're correct . . . ecstacey appears to be MALE by his own admission . . . speed reading can have its difficulties . . .



If you read his story it appears to show that he was sweet on his brother's gf and got trashed because of it. Then to compound the problem he appears to have failed to report the assault . . .

Now was it brotherly love that prevented the reporting? . . . or, was it that there was some basis of fact in his brother's concerns about ecstacey's relationship with his gf??

Is ecstacey staying away from his family because he thinks that they will take his brother's side because there has been a history of similar events earlier in life??

There are many speculations, and only ecstacey can resolve his facts . . . I hope he seeks professional assistance . . . soon.

no there was no bases for me getting slased in the face. we were merely close friends, infact most of my friends are female.and for the last time i did report the attack not immediately like i should have. and i would like to thankyou for..some of your posts i think i will see my mother probably this weekend.

 

[ecstacey]

I've held back & let things slide but BERATING victim of abuse is NOT your right unless your in full detail of their situation & comments your making on ppl isn't anywhere near those of a knowing, mature person....NOT ONLY do these ppls post not include all that has happened to them in their abuse so don't think you know what,how or why they did as they did, my whole reason for starting this thread was to help one lady who was in need of help & was at a very low point thinking of killing herself to rid the demons of abuse from haunting her even though the abuser was out of the scene his self worth destruction of his victim was so total that she just couldn't cope with feeling unwanted & unlovable, since then we have had a lot of male & females enter with their own posts & ppl WHO DO KNOW & UNDERSTAND to a degree what they are feeling trying to make sence of life.

i never said i knew all that happened to them. i like i said i was analysing what they told me and from that data came to a conclusion. when it was sufficent enough i asked more questions to get a better understanding. wish i could say they same for you. *oh, you poor thing* does not help sometimes the brutal honest truth like what don k dyke told me helps.

Thank you both Gil and Don. You both know that I am not one to usually say much about anyone else but I have to say this.


Gentlemen, you are wasting both your time and energy on this one.

It is impossible to have a battle of wits with an unarmed idiot.

oh this idiots armed sweetie.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Good morning and this might get a little long winded but I need to get this out of my system.

I have a friend, she was in a emotionally and mentally relationship with a boyfriend who passed away 5 years ago. She keeps telling me that she wouldn't have stayed with him as long as she did, but she made a promise to his mother.

Anyway, I am wondering if someone can tell me what kind of councilling to talk with her about getting. You see, she didn't take care of herself when she was with him and it has taken it's toll. She is now in hospital, and I am afraid that she is going to lose both legs from the knee down.

She is now 52 years old, weighs over 400 lbs, and her legs are in really bad shape. Her mother was telling me that while this "boyfriend" was living he drank alot and treated her really badly. If she so much as mentioned going to a doctor for anything he accused her of only going to get more diet pills. Not that she ever got them in the first place.

Can anyone give me even a hint of a direction to start in? I don't want to lose a friend this way.

Hi MM . . . yoiur friend seems to have created their own prison, both emotionally and physically. The physical constraints are a medical nightmare . . . ideally she should lose about 200 lb as quickly as her diet will allow, and the concurrent exercise programme will permit, and the re-balancing of her metabolism can achieve. There may be a hormonal problem of even a familial tendency, you have not given sufficient detail to tell. Then does she have a personal history of mental or physical abuse, either discussed or suppressed . . .

The over riding problem appears to be a squashed self-esteem, so re-building that would probably be beneficial.

The leg problem you describe suggests poor circulation with subsequent tissue trauma due to lack of blood and oxygen flow.

In the first instance, get her walking . . . a little at a time, say 20 -50 metres to start, and a little more each day . . . Change her diet to fresh, whole foods and clean water . . . if possible get her tested for food allergies, especially the common foods like bread (wheat gluten), citrus, milk & dairy . . . these allergies cause the body to inflate by retaining water to dilute the "poisons" held within the body tissues . . .

This a a problem beyond my experience, but those points may give you a start . . . good luck . . .

 

[Missingmeds]

Thanks Don. The physical part is being handled and right now she can't walk from room to room. The hospital is handling that, along with the diet thing and they want to do allergy testing but I don't know if she will let them.

The mental and the emotional abuse signs are all there. She wouldn't have let him physically abuse her. But I agree with the self esteem, she has none. I am going to try to talk to her doctor to see if they will get someone in to talk with her instead of just handing her pills.

 

[Don K Dyck]

<BUMP> back to Page 1.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks Don. The physical part is being handled and right now she can't walk from room to room. The hospital is handling that, along with the diet thing and they want to do allergy testing but I don't know if she will let them.

The mental and the emotional abuse signs are all there. She wouldn't have let him physically abuse her. But I agree with the self esteem, she has none. I am going to try to talk to her doctor to see if they will get someone in to talk with her instead of just handing her pills.

The main thing that has shocked me about your post is that your friend is in medical treatment for her legs yet there is no support for them with the base problem which has caused the health troubles & this should be also included to improve her health by showing the way to better mental attitude to combat the destroyed self esteem.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
The main thing that has shocked me about your post is that your friend is in medical treatment for her legs yet there is no support for them with the base problem which has caused the health troubles & this should be also included to improve her health by showing the way to better mental attitude to combat the destroyed self esteem.

It is unsettling knowing the patient does not get the proper care to help your friend aside from the medical treatment for her legs. I've seen it happen before and especially when I worked in a hospital for a few years. I guess the only way to get that addressed is persistence but try not to be annoying (some hospital personnel take things personally when someone keeps on their case(s) about inquiries as to the help someone needs aside from physical attention). I hope someone in the hospital will wake up and realize your friend needs to be shown a way to achieve a better mental attitude and to help rebuild her self esteem.


Hang in there and you and your friend are in my prayers so she can receive what she needs overall.

Aloha

 

[Gil_T2]

It is unsettling knowing the patient does not get the proper care to help your friend aside from the medical treatment for her legs. I've seen it happen before and especially when I worked in a hospital for a few years. I guess the only way to get that addressed is persistence but try not to be annoying (some hospital personnel take things personally when someone keeps on their case(s) about inquiries as to the help someone needs aside from physical attention). I hope someone in the hospital will wake up and realize your friend needs to be shown a way to achieve a better mental attitude and to help rebuild her self esteem.


Hang in there and you and your friend are in my prayers so she can receive what she needs overall.

Aloha

Alas the ways of government in this world is gearing towards charging as much as possible & giving as little as possible in all things in life but it does make the hospital & health system an unfriendly system to deal with because of the strain on resources causing details like this ladies other health problems get lost. It does sadden me to say that I've had my own insight into it here in AUSSIE (our government is aiming to bring our health system into line with the American system ) as many know I have renal failure & have known for many years it was going to happen yet when it did there was medical treatment but till I brokedown no effort to see how I was handling the news it had come tome to go on dialysis, my help came in the hands of a older nurse who took time to chat to patients to gauge how they were able to cope with what was happening.

 

[fnnyworld]

It is unsettling knowing the patient does not get the proper care to help your friend aside from the medical

<SNIP>
... needs aside from physical attention). I hope someone in the hospital will wake up and realize your friend needs to be shown a way to achieve a better mental attitude and to help rebuild her self esteem.

Aloha

Hi MM,
I don't know if this is the place to say this, so I'm going for it. A friend who suffers hopelessness needs more than a shrink.

They need hope.

Help her find Jesus Christ and purist love there is, from God...who never judges, always forgives, never turns away, is never shocked, never disappointed, and will never leave.

good luck!

I still think you should try...what's the harm?