How do I relax more?

[urbanchaos]

Hi everyone,

long time lurker, first time poster. I just need to get this off my chest and if anyone has any advice to offer I would be grateful.

I had sex last night for the 1st time in a long while however it turned out to be bloody awful!

I couldn't relax at all, even though I have known the guy for 6 months or so and we've actually done pretty much everything there is to do except for the penetration bit. I'm 5ft 3", small build and he's 6ft 4", large build and when he did penetrate me it hurt and I had to keep asking him to stop/slow down. He then wanted me to come whilst he was inside me but I couldn't, I started to feel stressed out about everything which didn't help either and I ended up not being able to orgasm at all and he started getting a bit impatient with me.

Anyway, he didn't even stay the night he just left in the early hours and I'm just sitting here on this beautiful Sunday morning feeling like absolute crap and wondering wtf is wrong with me.

 

[human_male]

Perhaps you weren't ready. And he doesn't sound very understanding and sensitive. And from what I understand most women don't cum from penetrative sex.

Why should you feel bad just because the oaf just climbed on you and shoved it in? Why's it your fault?

 

[Eilan]

.....

 

[only_more_so]

There's absolutely, positively nothing wrong with you! The guy was an insensitive asshat. If he knew that you'd never had sex before, he should have done whatever it takes to make it as comfortable for you as possible.

I think it was the first time in a while, not first time ever. But other than that I fully agree with you.

Men are definately more ego driven than women, and it hurts his pride if the girl doesn't orgasm (if that's something he cares about at least). But that doesn't mean he should project his perceived failure onto you, urban.

So like everyone else is saying, it's not you.

 

[Otto26]

I suggest:
-Talk to him about this. Tell him what's going on and that it's not a reflection on him.
-Tell him you have a plan and you'd like his help
-Play. Just do fun things and don't worry about the end result. If something isn't working for you, say so, move back to something that was working or move on to something new and see how that goes. This will work better if he's got the promise of gratification to look forward to at the end of this (a blowjob, handjob, etc...)
-Ask yourself why you can't relax. Are you stressed about an unresolved task? Are you worried about a coming confrontation? Just as with meditation, consider these worries, aknowledge them, and let them go for the moment. Deal with them at the appropriate time. Are you comfortable with the guy? Because, frankly, it seems like the guy was jerk. He may have just been uncertain of what you needed and left because he was feeling more than a little inadequate (not bringing a woman to orgasm during sex is a big blow to my ego unless there are extenuating circumstances that I'm aware of).

As always, the best solution is to talk to the guy if you're still interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with him (my gut feeling is that the guy is an asshole). There's nothing wrong with you at all. Everything you described sounds like routine issues. I've been in that situation (male side) and I've been 'confused and leave early' and I've also been 'oh, no problem, we can be intimate without penetration'.

 

[emap]

Urban quite honestly, I really do not think any woman has never been a bundle of nerves before during and after sex at least once. Relax it's normal.

I have found the best way to go about it is to get him to help you act out a fantasy, so long as it's not another woman fantasy, those are best left to you unless he would be involved to.

Besides that, perhaps you should sit him down and give him a talk on whatever it is that made you that bundle of nerves, like say where you are in your relationship, what each of you wants out of your sex lives, what old lady McGilligudy is doing down the way, no seriously that one has gotten me to be a little bundle of nerves.

Just have to give him one of those talks to set your mind at ease about him and you together and what you both want out of it. After that, assuming you have not kicked his rear to the curb you should be able to enjoy sex with him. Yes I have done that after a talk.

Now if there are bigger things that are affecting you, like say, the world's reliance on fossil fuels and it's depleting supply, all I have to say to that, is to relax. No seriously, there is nothng you can do about that except buy yourself a bicycle and ride it everywhere or walk. No way to make people stop doing something or start doing something so your kinda stuck with changing your own little peice of the world and being happy with it.

 

[urbanchaos]

Hey peeps,

thanks for your replies and all the sound advice they contain.

I was feeling pretty down when I posted yesterday as it had all just happened and I hadn't had much sleep! I then spent all day with friends and relatives which helped put it into some sort of perspective.

He and I had lots of conversations about sex before we actually did it and I thought I was being clear about my feelings on the matter (I also thought he was listening to me, so wtf do I know )

So, anyway we spoke last night and have decided to go our separate ways which I feel pretty ok about actually.

I just wanted to thank you all again for replying especially since it was my first post and I was feeling so awful, I'll remember the advice for the next relationship I get into - well, assuming there is a next one

hugs & kisses to all